Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Discussion in 'Hangar Talk' started by Let'sgoflying!, Feb 9, 2007.

  1. Areeda

    Areeda Pattern Altitude

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2005
    Messages:
    2,189
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Areeda
    This thread is getting so long, I hope this is not a repeat:

    John finishes a long day of cargo runs, goes over to his mistress' apartment, where she has prepared a great dinner, a bottle of wine and evening of passionate sex. Well, John falls asleep (that's what men do after sex) and doesn't wake up until 0200.

    He panics and drives home trying to think of something to tell his wife. About half way home he reaches into his flight bag and pulls out his O2 mask and puts it on, pulling the straps as tight as he can.

    He walks in the door to a very angry woman who says "Where the hell have you been?". He says "I stopped by at my mistress' apartment, had a night of great sex and fell asleep, I came home as soon as I woke up".

    Looking at the marks the O2 mask left on his face she says "Don't lie to me, you worthless SOB, you've been out flying that airplane of yours, admit it"
     
  2. Matthew

    Matthew Touchdown! Greaser!

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2005
    Messages:
    16,106
    Location:
    kojc, kixd, k34
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Matthew
    I'll apologize in advance for the PG-13 rating:

    Old Sven was asked to give a speech to the PTA about his adventures of flying over Germany during WWII.

    "Ya, dat vould be great!", says Sven.

    Sven takes the podium and tells his story: "... and dere I vas, flying along, and den I got jumped by dese 6 Fokkers!"

    A gasp rose from the audience and the more delicate members began to fan themselves with their programs.

    The PTA president immediately jumps up and grabs the microphone, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please understand! A Fokker is a type of a German airplane!"

    The crowd lets out a sigh of relief and Sven resumes his story: "Ya, ya, but dese Fokkers was flying Messerschmitts!"
     
  3. gkainz

    gkainz Final Approach

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    8,099
    Location:
    Arvada, CO
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Greg Kainz
    Texas Rancher

    A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch
    and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

    "Is yer Pa home?" the rancher asked.

    "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

    "Well" said the rancher, "is yer Maw here?"

    "No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."

    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

    "He went with Pa and Maw."

    The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot
    to the other and mumbling to himself.

    "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows
    where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take
    a message fer Pa."

    "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa.
    It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

    The boy considered for a moment. "Well, I recon you would have to talk
    to Pa about that." he finally conceded.

    "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for
    the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
     
  4. mikea

    mikea Touchdown! Greaser!

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2005
    Messages:
    16,975
    Location:
    Lake County, IL
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    iWin
    The mistresses' HUSBAND comes home.

    He says, "Hi honey!"
    She coldly says, "Hello."
    He gets suspicous and looks around...

    He yells, "You've BEEN SEEING THAT PILOT AGAIN!"
    Shes says, "NEGATIVE!"

    He says, "Ok, honey, sorry. Could you make me some breakfast?"

    "Roger, that."







    ...any pilots in the household please advise...
     
  5. Richard

    Richard Final Approach

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2005
    Messages:
    9,078
    Location:
    West Coast Resistance
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Ack...city life
    Didja hear about the one-armed fisherman? He caught the Whopper of the Week...it was this big.
     
  6. Areeda

    Areeda Pattern Altitude

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2005
    Messages:
    2,189
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Areeda
    A man was stranded on a deserted island, all alone for 10 years after a boating accident.
    One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself "It can't be a ship", as it gets closer the thinks "It's too small to be a boat", even closer "It can't even be a raft"

    Then out of the surf comes a tall beautiful women wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

    She comes over and says "How long have you been here?" 10 years he replies. She unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and gives him a cigarette. He lights it, takes a drag and says Oh that's good.

    How long since you had a drink of whiskey? 10 years. So she unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve and hands him a flask.

    She then reaches for the long zipper in the front of the wet suit and says "How long since you had any real fun?" He says "Oh God please tell me you got an airplane in there.
     
  7. Richard

    Richard Final Approach

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2005
    Messages:
    9,078
    Location:
    West Coast Resistance
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Ack...city life
    A frog goes into a bank for a loan. Ms Paddywhack, the loan officer says you don't have any credit, how will you secure this loan? The frog shows a small porcelian figurine and says it's of great value and has been in his family for generations. She thinks that is hardly any collateral but she notices the frog is desparate. She says, Excuse me I have to ask my supervisor about this....

    The supervisor asks to see what the frog is using to secure the loan. Upon seeing the figurine he says, That's a knick knack, Paddywhack, give that frog a loan.
     
  8. Areeda

    Areeda Pattern Altitude

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2005
    Messages:
    2,189
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Areeda
    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
     
  9. TangoWhiskey

    TangoWhiskey Touchdown! Greaser!

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    14,242
    Location:
    Midlothian, TX
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    3Green
    (This would be funny... if it weren't so close to true...)

    Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of the desert. Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

    Then Congress said, “How does the night watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a Planning Department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

    Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

    Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer. They then hired two people to fill these positions.

    Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, and Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

    Then Congress said, “We have had this operating for one year and we are $1,800,000 over budget. We must cut back overall cost.”

    So they laid off the night watchman.
     
  10. alaskaflyer

    alaskaflyer Final Approach

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2006
    Messages:
    7,545
    Location:
    Bay Area, California
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Alaskaflyer
    Sweet mother I work there! Genius!
     
  11. KennyFlys

    KennyFlys Guest

    Three Kick Rule

    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Georgia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Georgia. We settle small disagreements like this; with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

    The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

    The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
     
  12. battmain

    battmain Pre-Flight

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2006
    Messages:
    36
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    battmain
    Computer Dependency

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down... [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif].[/FONT]



    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Look down, not scroll down, dummy! [/FONT]
     
  13. Lawreston

    Lawreston En-Route

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    4,579
    Location:
    Georgetown, ME
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Harley Reich
    It's still Friday, so here y'are:

    Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with
    the Secret Service people directly behind them.

    One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to
    Bill.

    At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the
    agent, and shakes his head "no."

    The agent then says, "Mr.. President, it was a unanimous request of the
    entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

    Bill hesitates... But begins to change his mind when the agent tells him
    the fans would love it!

    Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ok! If that is what the people want.

    Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts
    her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

    She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you !"$#@&!&! The crowd
    goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and
    hollering, and high-fiving.

    Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

    He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never
    believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

    Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong?

    The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first
    Pitch!"
     
  14. etsisk

    etsisk En-Route

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2005
    Messages:
    3,325
    Location:
    Chapel Hill, NC
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    iYiYi
    A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
    The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Sir, some a****** wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

    "Canada, sir," the boy replied.

    "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

    The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

    "Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Canada."

    "No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
     
  15. silver-eagle

    silver-eagle En-Route

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2005
    Messages:
    4,649
    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    ~John
    Since I'm not going to be around Friday....


    [FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]A priest gets to St Peter’s gate just behind a pilot. St Peter gets the pilots name, checks his list, and hands him a silk robe and a golden staff. “Welcome!” he says, letting the pilot through the gate.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Next, St Peter turns to the priest, checks his name on the list and hands him an old used cotton robe and an old stick. “Welcome!” and points towards the gate.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]The priest is, needless to say, a bit befuddled. “All my life, I’ve been doing God’s work yet the pilot gets silk and gold and I get used. I don’t understand.”[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]“It’s easy” says St Peter. “We go by accomplishments here. You give a sermon and your whole congregation falls asleep while the pilot, all the time he’s flying, his passengers are praying!”[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I’m surely going to heaven![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
     
  16. Bill M.

    Bill M. Pre-takeoff checklist

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    289
    Location:
    Boone NC
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    barkleydog
    I met an older woman at a club last night. She was a nice lady, for 57.

    We drank a bit, had a bit of a buzz going, and then she asked

    if I'd ever had the "Sportsman's Double"; a mother and daughter 3-some?

    I said "No"... we drank a bit more, then she says "Well, tonight is your
    lucky
    night".

    We went back to her place.

    She turned the hall light on, then shouted upstairs:

    "Mom are you still awake?"

    :eek: :eek: :eek: :rofl:
     
  17. Tom-D

    Tom-D Taxi to Parking PoA Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    32,726
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Tom-D

    Hey!!!!!!!! I'm Good with that (I'm 67)

    But lucky enough to never be there.

    The only good thing about getting old is it widens the range of availible women. 18- ? who knows.
     
  18. Ghery

    Ghery Final Approach

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2005
    Messages:
    9,966
    Location:
    Olympia, Washington
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Ghery Pettit
    Yeah, have you noticed how young 45 year old women look? :D
     
  19. Tom-D

    Tom-D Taxi to Parking PoA Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    32,726
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Tom-D
    A little religious humor here.


    Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
    rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

    As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She
    walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

    The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned
    out, but she could wait until it was returned.

    Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait
    and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she
    could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
    Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with
    gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

    As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across
    the street. One of the men turned to the other and said, "If it starts,
    I'm turning Cat holic."
     
  20. TangoWhiskey

    TangoWhiskey Touchdown! Greaser!

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    14,242
    Location:
    Midlothian, TX
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    3Green
    It's Friday, and no new jokes?! Here's a couple. This one continuing the last one's "religious" theme:

    One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the
    large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with
    names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

    The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
    pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
    morning, Alex."

    "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
    plaque. "Pastor, what is that?"

    Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
    service."

    Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

    Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
     
  21. TangoWhiskey

    TangoWhiskey Touchdown! Greaser!

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    14,242
    Location:
    Midlothian, TX
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    3Green
    For you Mac Evangelists:

    [​IMG]
     
  22. TangoWhiskey

    TangoWhiskey Touchdown! Greaser!

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    14,242
    Location:
    Midlothian, TX
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    3Green
    And one more:

    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks
    them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine and after a few days, they enter again and the waitress asks: "The usual?"

    "No, being Friday night, I think I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

    The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

    "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that whenever I have to pay for anything, I can just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will always be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

    "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

    The waitress asks, "So, what's with the ostrich?"

    The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with big breasts and long legs, who agrees with everything I say."
     
  23. Terry

    Terry Line Up and Wait

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2005
    Messages:
    732
    Location:
    LaCrosse
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Terry
    A man is lying in the hospital bed and the doctor says, " I have good news and bad news."

    Okay doc, give me the bad news.

    Doctor sighs and says, "We have cut off the wrong leg."

    "Man that is terrible", yells the man!!!

    What is the good news?

    The doctor says, "We can save the other leg."

    :hairraise:
     
  24. KennyFlys

    KennyFlys Guest

    I have been a supporter for a long time. But I believe that it is time to re-evaluate U.S. involvement. I'm sorry that a lot of my friends are going to disagree with me, but this is the way I see it now.


    Every day there are news reports of more deaths. Why are we still there?


    We see images of death and destruction on TV every night. Why are we still there?


    We took this land by force. We occupied it. It causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?


    Many of our children go there but never come back. Why are we still there?


    Murderers, Rapists, Pedophiles and Thugs enjoy celebrity status. Why are we still there?

    Their government is unstable. Why are we still there?


    Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?


    Their land is subject to natural disasters and we are obliged to come to their aid. Why are we still there?


    They have more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Why are we still there?


    Their cultures, foods and diverse ways of life are unfathomable to most ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?


    They cannot secure their borders. Why are we still there They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild. Why are we still there?


    It is now quite clear!




    WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA NOW!
     
  25. Tom-D

    Tom-D Taxi to Parking PoA Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    32,726
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Tom-D
    A little boy was attending his first wedding.
    After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
    "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
    "How do you know that?"
    "Easy," the little boy said.
    "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
    4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer
     
  26. Tom-D

    Tom-D Taxi to Parking PoA Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    32,726
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Tom-D
    TICK WARNING!
    I hate it when people forward bogus warnings,
    and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

    If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!
    THIS IS A SCAM!!

    I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
     
  27. KennyFlys

    KennyFlys Guest

    After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

    There, he was greeted by George Washington.

    "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

    Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

    James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.

    Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

    As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"

    An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
     
  28. ScottM

    ScottM Taxi to Parking

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2005
    Messages:
    42,564
    Location:
    Variable, but somewhere on earth
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    iBazinga!
    My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so
    she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem
    was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog
    could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady
    that if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should
    go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub
    it in its ears once a month.

    The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair
    remover. At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're
    going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a
    few days."

    The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."
    The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't
    shave for a couple of days."

    The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

    The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
     
  29. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2007
    Messages:
    1,008
    Location:
    Guess it depends on what week it is!
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    iAM in AK!
    There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

    "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

    "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

    "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

    After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

    "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

    "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

    "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

    "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

    "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

    "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

    "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

    "Tripod?"

    "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Mrs. Smith fainted
     
  30. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2007
    Messages:
    1,008
    Location:
    Guess it depends on what week it is!
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    iAM in AK!
    THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

    An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
    Love, Dad

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    Don't dig up that garden. That' s where I buried the bodies.
    Love, Vinnie

    At 4 AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love you, Vinnie
    Ciao
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2007
  31. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2007
    Messages:
    1,008
    Location:
    Guess it depends on what week it is!
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    iAM in AK!
    Church Organist

    There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
    Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the
    organ.

    Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
    The very proper church ladies were appalled.
    They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get
    another organist.

    One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up
    some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would
    shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though
    because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't
    be able to talk properly for a while.

    She agreed to try it.

    The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said
    "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon
    tewday"
     
  32. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2007
    Messages:
    1,008
    Location:
    Guess it depends on what week it is!
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    iAM in AK!
    Stuttering

    The teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

    A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

    "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

    "That must've been scary," said the teacher.

    "It sure was," said the little girl.

    "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say "F___ You," the rottweiler ate him!"
     
  33. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2007
    Messages:
    1,008
    Location:
    Guess it depends on what week it is!
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    iAM in AK!
    US Senator Unhurt in Air Crash

    Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007 13:17:23 -0400

    U.S. Senator Unhurt in Air Crash

    The Associated Press reports that New York Senator Hillary Clinton, narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern New Jersey because of bad weather.

    National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a preliminary determination pilot error contributed to the accident, and the senator was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR conditions while only having obtained a VFR rating.

    The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

    Photographs below were taken at the scene show the amazing lack of damage to Senator Clinton's aircraft after it came to rest against a stone wall.

    She was very lucky.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .(open this attachment to see the aircraft)
    .
    Attached Images[​IMG]
     
  34. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2007
    Messages:
    1,008
    Location:
    Guess it depends on what week it is!
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    iAM in AK!
  35. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2007
    Messages:
    1,008
    Location:
    Guess it depends on what week it is!
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    iAM in AK!
    Life in Heaven

    They were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last 2 decades.

    One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane unfortunately crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

    They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the wardrobe.

    They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

    The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

    "Why, nothing," Peter replied; "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

    The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than ever-built on Earth.

    "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

    "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day, any time of day that you want."

    Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, and all kinds of free-flowing beverages.

    "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

    The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

    "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

    "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

    The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"

    "Not unless you want to," was the answer.

    "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

    "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

    The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bloody muesli & wholemeal bread.

    We could have been here twenty years ago!
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2007
  36. Let'sgoflying!

    Let'sgoflying! Touchdown! Greaser! PoA Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    17,532
    Location:
    west Texas
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Dave Taylor
    I am the very last person to be accused of misogyny as I have a great reverence and fondness for the gentler sex, but this is funny and I don't care if the gender involved was completely switched - I would still laugh as hard:




    Husband Store:

    A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
    woman may go to choose a husband.

    Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the Store
    operates:

    You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

    There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
    shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may
    choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
    floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
    Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

    The second floor sign reads:
    Floor 2 - These men have jobs , love the Lord, and love kids.

    The third floor sign reads:
    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
    extremely good looking.

    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the
    fourth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
    good

    looking and help with the housework.

    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes
    to the fifth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
    gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
    reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
    this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
    to please.
    Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
    the building, and have a nice day!

    Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who
    can handle the truth!
     
  37. TangoWhiskey

    TangoWhiskey Touchdown! Greaser!

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    14,242
    Location:
    Midlothian, TX
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    3Green
    The email I saw that had this joke in it also had a section with "The Wife Store". Have you seen that part, Dave??

    EDIT: Found it:

     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2007
  38. Let'sgoflying!

    Let'sgoflying! Touchdown! Greaser! PoA Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2005
    Messages:
    17,532
    Location:
    west Texas
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    Dave Taylor
    ha, it just arrived Troy.
     
  39. Frank Browne

    Frank Browne Final Approach

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2005
    Messages:
    5,786
    Location:
    Jacksonville,Fl
    Display Name:

    Display name:
    FB
    A cocky Minnesota Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer,

    "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that
    field."

    The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of Minnesota to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

    Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step.

    The old farmer called out, "Show him your card, smart ass!!"
     
  40. KennyFlys

    KennyFlys Guest

    Res ipsa loquitur...

    [​IMG]