Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!


Touchdown! Greaser!
Feb 23, 2005
west Texas
Display Name

Display name:
Dave Taylor
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that
moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what
it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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Adam is walking alone in the garden when God comes along to say, Adam, you look lonely, perhaps you would like someone to talk with.

Adam thinks this is a good idea. Sure, I would like someone to share my life.

God say he'll give Adam a woman who will always be willing to do whatever Adam wants when he wants. She'll lift him up when he's feeling down, she'll share in his joy and always be there to encourage him. She'll shower him with love and respect for all his days.

Such a woman sounds wonderful, Adam says. How much will she cost me?

God responds, An arm and a leg.

Adam thinks about this for awhile then asks, What do I get for a rib?
Adam is walking alone in the garden when God comes along to say, Adam, you look lonely, perhaps you would like someone to talk with.

Adam thinks this is a good idea. Sure, I would like someone to share my life.

God say he'll give Adam a woman who will always be willing to do whatever Adam wants when he wants. She'll lift him up when he's feeling down, she'll share in his joy and always be there to encourage him. She'll shower him with love and respect for all his days.

Such a woman sounds wonderful, Adam says. How much will she cost me?

God responds, An arm and a leg.

Adam thinks about this for awhile then asks, What do I get for a rib?

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
A senior couple was walking out of the grocery store when a seagull splattered the woman. "Hand me a piece of toilet paper Walter." she says.
"What good will that do. The bird's 3 blocks away by now."
Two teenage boys were out of school on summer break and decided to earn some money.
They knock on a neighbors door and inform him they would like to earn money.
The neighbor asks what they can do.
First boy says "I can chop wood".
Second boy says "I'm a pilot".
The neighbor thinks for a moment and tells the second boy he'll hire him.
The first boy asks "why are you hiring him and not me mister".
The neighbor responds: well, you can chop wood but your friend is a pilot.
Well yea, says the first boy, but he can't pile it (pilot) until I chop it.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up
a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the
store he now had a problem - how to carry hi s entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to
get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of
fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but
I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know
that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a
gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I
possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

That's it! Time to check the sports news to see if the Celtics and/or the Bruins lost yet another one.

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
A Florida redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with an ice chest full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the redneck, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this! You don't think I'm that dumb do you."
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
I liked Ken's a lot, I suppose that would not be a good one to bring to your audit in order to lighten the mood!
Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up Max didn't think much about it, figured
maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play
a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where
Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally!

Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said,
"For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"
Wally replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail???," cried Max!! "What in the world for???"
"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah" said MAX, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged
me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like
me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge
then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."
An old married couple are in the kitchen, arguing over who should make the coffee in the morning. The wife says, "You're up first every morning, so I think you should make the coffee."

"That may be true, but you do all the cooking and making the coffee is a cooking-related thing, so I think you should do it," says the husband.

The wife still isn't buying it... "Well, that may be so... But it even says in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."

The husband decides that's the most absurd thing he's heard, and decides to make a wager, which he's sure he'll win: "You know I'm a God-fearing man, and that I'm as familiar with scripture as any preacher. But if you can show me in the Bible where it says that the men should make the coffee, I swear I'll do it every morning for the rest of our lives."

The woman leaves the room, confidently strides back into the kitchen carrying their Bible, and opens it to Hebrews.
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion.

I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: "STERNUM!"
What do ya get when you hit a bird with an airplane propeller?
Shredded Tweet

A lady was walking backward on the ramp and backed into a moving propeller.

How do you get 200 cows in a barn?
Put up a Bingo sign.
Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 40 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 40
years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack
of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course
of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman
shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist
turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a
moment and replied,..

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I fish."
From my (blond) mother:

A Blonde's Year in Review.

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ...Helllloooo!! ...bottles won't fit in printer !!!

Got really excited ...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ...box said "2-4 years!"

Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

Tried to make Kool Aid ...wrong instructions ...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

Tried to go water skiing .couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Lost breast stroke swimming competition ...learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

Got locked out of my car in rain storm ... car swamped because soft top was open.

The capital of California is "C" ...isn't it???

Hate M & M's ...they are so hard to peel.

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

Couldn't call 911 ... "duh" .there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
Subject: birthday

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
Good Morning Boss, and by the way "Happy Birthday ! "

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
I responded, I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"

She said, Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back."
Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic--and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass---and the Priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist but now you are Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors. As the Priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You was born a deer, you was raised a deer, but now you are a catfish
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee and asks, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' "

"I remember that too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said…

"I would have gotten out today."
Is it Friday yet? Well, close enough!

Elaborate Funeral!

Sam died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his widow, Helen,
turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who then lowered her voice and
leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "$30,000."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the
memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."
He just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about what to do about it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

"Bill, I have to tell you, I like your work ethics, but your being late so often is bothersome.

"Yes, I know Boss, and I'm working on it."

"Well good. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Marine Corps. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They always said, 'Good morning, General.'"
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more to the relationship between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom


Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom


LOL! :rofl::goofy:

And to avoid thread creep, I'll throw up a few aviation ones from a site I can't cite.
Here are a few of the lessons you'll learn when taking Aviation 101:

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge.
If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.

Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still in liquid form.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.

Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
Been around a whie, but still funny

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed..."YES!YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Why did the cowboy get a dacshund? He heard someone say "Get along little dogie."

How do you satisfy an Amish woman? With two Mennonite.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Obviously, I'm not the teller of this bit:

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror

complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he

uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of

toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and

stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of

years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of

toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat, he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may

even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his

meals through a straw.

Stupid, Stupid man.
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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.

The girl said, " NO."

Johnny said, " I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, You bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boy friend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......

She said, "He used quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a Bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't CARE.!!
An old southern country preacher form Georgia had a teenage son named David (AKA Rosebud) and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four

- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine

I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and
when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK, But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects
on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up
the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle
and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a
helicopter pilot!"
Is it Friday yet?

Colorado Women....

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Michigan and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results but by the next day it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Colorado girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.

Gotta love them Colorado girls~! :blowingkisses:

Another Marine injured...

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that "Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal democrat drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."