Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Discussion in 'Hangar Talk' started by Let'sgoflying!, Feb 9, 2007.

  1. etsisk

    etsisk En-Route

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    An old man is walking down a wooded path and come upon a frog, who says to him, "I'm a beautiful enchanted princess, and if you kiss me, I'll turn human again and be your wife."

    The old man looks at the frog and puts it in his pocket and continues walking.

    The frog calls out, "Didn't you hear me? You have to kiss me to break the spell and make me your wife!"

    The old man opens his pocket, looks in and tells the frog, "I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."
     
  2. gprellwitz

    gprellwitz Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Would you please stop Stringing this along?
     
  3. TangoWhiskey

    TangoWhiskey Touchdown! Greaser!

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    This one is why some parents drink:

    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw and envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with tremblinghands and read the letter:

    Dear Dad:

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

    Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

    In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

    Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Love,
    Your Son John

    PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
     
  4. TangoWhiskey

    TangoWhiskey Touchdown! Greaser!

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    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

    Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

    A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

    The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack up everything to take to their new home . . . . . including the curtain rods.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2007
  5. Let'sgoflying!

    Let'sgoflying! Touchdown! Greaser! PoA Supporter

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    just wanted to let you all know I am still following, and really enjoying the contributions to this thread - thanks!
     
  6. KennyFlys

    KennyFlys Guest

    Troy,

    Those are right up there with the best! But, you do know one of your daughters is going to use your wit against you one of these days? :D
     
  7. SkyHog

    SkyHog Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Everything Offends Me
    What am I missing there?
     
  8. etsisk

    etsisk En-Route

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    It's an inside geek joke, apparently, best I can tell ... normal people won't get it! :D
     
  9. SkyHog

    SkyHog Touchdown! Greaser!

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    ahh...best I can tell, is a reference to char, string and unterminated....I think I get it.

    Oh, ok, I just read William's joke that started the whole thing. duh.

    Here's my joke (created it in flash chat the other night):

    What did the dangling preposition say to the gerund?

    "I am not telling if you don't know what it is about."
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2007
  10. Matthew

    Matthew Touchdown! Greaser!

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    >>
    It's an inside geek joke, apparently, best I can tell ... normal people won't get it! :D
    <<

    heh, wait until the big/little endian jokes start.

    ...

    ok, never mind.
     
  11. flyingcheesehead

    flyingcheesehead Touchdown! Greaser!

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    One little, two little, three little-endians... :D
     
  12. TangoWhiskey

    TangoWhiskey Touchdown! Greaser!

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    For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
    little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.

    I have solved the mystery.

    The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
    rest of it is comments.

    Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
    follows:

    ===
    /* HUMAN_DNA.H
    *
    * Human Genome
    * Version 2.1
    *
    * (C) God
    */

    /* Revision history:
    *
    * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
    * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
    * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
    * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
    * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
    * elephant-dna.c
    * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
    * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
    * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
    * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
    * darker to match my own image.
    * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
    * Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
    * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
    * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
    * density, to try and slow the overpopulation
    * problem.
    * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
    * CD.
    */

    /* Standard definitions
    */

    #define SEX male
    #define HEIGHT 1.84
    #define MASS 68
    #define RACE caucasian

    /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
    *
    * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
    * inheritance features.
    */

    #include "mother.h"
    #include "father.h"

    #ifndef FATHER
    #warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
    #include "bastard.h"
    #endif

    /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
    */
    #include

    /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
    * library sometime soon.
    */
    struct genitals
    {
    #ifdef MALE
    Penis *jt;
    #endif

    #ifdef FEMALE
    /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
    Vagina *p;
    #endif
    }

    /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
    * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
    */
    DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

    /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
    *
    * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
    * to display at birth.
    *
    * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
    */
    Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
    ===

    ..and so on.


    [ Note that God programs in C, uses three-space tabs and /* */ style
    comments]
     
  13. etsisk

    etsisk En-Route

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    This guy's wife comes running into the house shouting "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!!"

    He meets her in the living room and says, "Honey, that's great!! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach??"

    She cries out, "I DON'T CARE - JUST GO!!" :eek: :D
     
  14. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    OK, so it's Sunday.... who cares!

    A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds
    his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there
    for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
    3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

    "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”
     
  15. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. [FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif]
    [/FONT][FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif]2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
    4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke[/FONT].

    [FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif]5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
    6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
    7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
    9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif][FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif]10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

    12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
    13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    [/FONT][/FONT]
    [FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif]15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
    17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
    18.. Procrastinate Now!
    [/FONT][FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif]
    19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? [/FONT]
    [FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif]20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    [/FONT]

    [FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif]21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
    22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
    23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif]
    24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. [/FONT]
    [FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif]25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
    26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
    27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
    28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
    29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
    [/FONT]
     
  16. Areeda

    Areeda Pattern Altitude

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    My sister sent me this. PostIt notes are a man's friend:

    [​IMG]
     
  17. KennyFlys

    KennyFlys Guest

    At least she didn't require the "Post It Paper Bag"! :)
     
  18. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    Divorced and Drunk

    A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,
    "Do you know her?"
    "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
     
  19. vontresc

    vontresc En-Route

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    And now for a tangentially aviation related joke.....


    What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?






    A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

    A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack

    Pete
     
  20. Areeda

    Areeda Pattern Altitude

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    My sister's on a roll today. Here's another from her:

    A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!"

    The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

    The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

     
  21. Lawreston

    Lawreston En-Route

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    A North Carolina redneck passed away and
    left his entire estate in trust for his
    beloved widow. However, she can't touch
    it until she turns 14.

    Folks in Georgia now go to some movies
    in groups of 18 or more. They were told
    17 and under are not admitted.

    The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has
    been raised to 32. It seems they want to
    keep alcohol out of the high schools.
     
  22. etsisk

    etsisk En-Route

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  23. JasonCT

    JasonCT Pattern Altitude

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    Devout Catholic
    Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
    husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next
    husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

    At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally
    together."

    A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you
    mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

    "I mean her legs!" ​
     
  24. mikea

    mikea Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Signs:

    I went to the door of Sally's Pancake House for breakfast and saw the sign on the door, "No food or drink in restaurant." So I went home.

    My relatives from Cleveland drove here to visit. They never showed up. They came to the sign on the Chicago Skyway, "Chicago LEFT" so they went home.
     
  25. Matthew

    Matthew Touchdown! Greaser!

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    This one used to work for my kids, but they've LONG since outgrown it:

    What's brown and sticky?







    A stick!
     
  26. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    Wedding Anniversary

    Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really upset with him.

    She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

    The next morning, Mark got up really early before work.

    When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.



    Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.
     
  27. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    Two Women Playing Golf

    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
    "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me."
    "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?
    He replied, "It feels great............................but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
     
  28. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    I know it's not St Paddy's Day... But here's a great Irish Joke!

    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

    "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

    Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

    "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, 3 of his coworkers dove in to save him, and he fought them off bravely!"
     
  29. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    And another Irish Joke...

    A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his
    toastmasters club.
    One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a
    contest at who could make the best toast.
    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
    "Here's to spending the rest of me life Between the legs of
    me wife!"

    That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
    He went home and told his wife, Mary,
    "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

    She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

    John said,
    "Here's to spending the rest of me life Sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.

    The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on
    the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
    "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

    She said,
    "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there
    twice!
    Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to
    make him come!"
     
  30. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    And ANOTHER Irish Joke.....

    Picture this: It's Saturday, it's St. Patrick's day, and you're in Paddy's Pub. Two guys have been sitting next to each other and drinking beer for over three hours. Neither has spoken to the other.
    Finally one turns to the other and asks-"Where are you from, my good man?" "I'm from Dublin" relies the other. "I'll be dammed-I'm from Dublin too! Paddy-bring us two pints. To your health down the hatch."
    "And where abouts in Dublin are you from?" "I'm from the East Side", says the other. "Sweet Jesus-I'm from the East side too!' Paddy- two more pints-to your health, down the hatch."
    "Where did you go to High School?" "I went to St. Timothy's." replies the other. "I don't believe this-I went to St. Timothy's too. Paddy-two more pints-to your health, down the hatch."
    "And when did you graduate?" "I graduated in 68", says the other. "Mother McCready- I graduated in 68 too!! Paddy-two more pints. To your health, down the hatch."
    When Paddy returned to the other end of the bar, one of the other patrons asked-"What's all the commotion going on down there?" "Pay them no mind", replied Paddy. "It's just the O'Mally twins-drunk again!"
     
  31. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    Tired of Irish Jokes? Then let's do some LAWYER jokes!

    1. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
    One's a scum sucking, bottom dwelling, good for nothing scavenger and the other one's a fish.

    2. A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

    "How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

    "Three dollars an ounce."

    "How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

    "Four dollars an ounce."

    "How much for lawyer brain?"

    "$1,000 an ounce."

    "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

    "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

    3. The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

    The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

    4. A man goes into an antique store. After looking at most of the articles for sale he spots a beautiful bronze sculpture of a rat. The man is enthralled by the rat and takes it up to the owner to buy it. "How much for the rat?" he asks the proprietor.

    "Ten bucks for the rat and a thousand bucks for the story" says the owner.
    "Keep the story, I'll just take the rat" says the guy, who then pays the owner and walks outside with the rat under his arm.
    Almost immediately a handful of rats fall in line behind the man and his purchase. The further the man walks, the more rats that congregate behind him. Eventually there are so many rats that the man becomes afraid and runs down to the river that cuts through the town.
    At the edge of the river, with all the rats in town squealing and milling around him, he throws the bronze rat as far out into the river as he can. Without hesitation all the rats in town jump into the river to follow the bronze rat as it sinks to the bottom -- and all of the rats drown.
    After recovering from the ordeal, the man makes his way back to the antique store.
    "Aha!" says the store owner. "You came back for the story about the rat." "Nope," says the man. "I was just wondering if you had a bronze lawyer"

    5. A lawyer is cross-examining a doctor on the stand about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

    "No," the doctor said, "I did not check his pulse."
    "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.
    "No, I did not," said the doctor.
    "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor, having enough of the lawyer's redicule, stated, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."

    6. There was once a man who was as nice as could be, except he absolutely hated lawyers. Whenever he would see a lawyer on the side of a road, he would swerve his pick-up truck and run over him or her.

    Then one day, he was driving down the freeway when he saw a priest next to his car, which had broken down. Being such a nice man, he pulled over and offered the preist a ride to the next gas station.
    While he was driving, he saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He started to swerve over, when he realized there was a priest in his car. He thought he missed the lawyer, but he still heard a loud bang. Then he pulled over and confessed to the priest about his problem and said that's why he swerved the car. He told the priest that he thought he missed the lawyer when the priest interrupted him and said, "That's okay, I hit him with my door!"

    7. Did you know that 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name?

    8. The Lawyer and The Cop:

    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

    Deputy says,"License and registration, please."

    Lawyer says, "What for?"

    Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

    Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

    Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

    Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

    Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that' s the law. License and registration, please!"

    Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

    Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

    9. A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

    10. A lawyer and his client are walking down the street. Jessica Simpson walks by in a short dress and the client says, "Boy, would I love to screw her." The lawyer replies, "Out of what?"
     
  32. KennyFlys

    KennyFlys Guest

    A Marine stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

    The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The Marine left.

    A few days later the same Marine stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?"

    The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The Marine left.

    A week later the same Marine stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

    The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The Marine left.

    The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

    A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

    Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
     
  33. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    2 Videos for sale... which one to get?

    2 Videos for sale - Which to Buy?

    Titanic or The Clinton Video
    A comparison of two different, yet strangely similar stories.

    TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
    CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

    TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
    CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

    TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,
    and subsequent catastrophe

    CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden
    love, and subsequent catastrophe

    TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
    CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bull**** artist

    TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
    CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

    TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
    CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

    TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
    CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there


    TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
    CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts

    TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
    CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack

    TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
    CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind

    TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
    CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ...
    basically the same thing.
     
  34. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    Cell Phone

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk.
    MAN: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    MAN:"Yes"
    WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"
    MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much"
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$80,000"
    MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options"
    WOMAN: "Great! One more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000"
    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $420,000."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
    MAN: "Bye, I love you too"


    The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment.

    Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
     
  35. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    Finally... a smart blonde joke!

    A blonde woman walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. She leaves.The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.14. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are happy to have your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

    The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2007
  36. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    The Men's List....

    Finally, the guys side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

    *Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answerer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    1. Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
     
  37. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    Golf and Nuns

    A nun is talking with her Mother Superior. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

    "When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.

    "Well, I was playing golf and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

    "Is that when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior.

    "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

    "Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

    "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle zoomed down out of the sky, grabbed he squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

    "IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior.

    "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

    "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.


    "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.", replied the nun.

    The two nuns were silent for a moment.

    Then the Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?"
     
  38. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    OK, another Irish Joke...

    An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

    An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.

    Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.

    "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
    "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

    The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

    Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

    The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."

    The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
     
  39. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    14 things PMS stands for...

    1. Pass My Shotgun
    2. Psychotic Mood Shift
    3. Perpetual Munching Spree
    4. Puffy Mid-Section
    5. People Make me Sick
    6. Provide Me with Sweets
    7. Pardon My Sobbing
    8. Pimples May Surface
    9. Pass My Sweatpants
    10. Pi$$y Mood Syndrome
    11. Plainly, Men Suck
    12. Pack My Stuff
    13. Putting up with Men's ****

    And my favorite one...
    14. Potential Murder Suspect
     
  40. colomtnflyer

    colomtnflyer Cleared for Takeoff

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    Sportscasting at its finest!

    Here are the top nine comments actually made by NBC sports commentators (or participants) during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

    1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

    2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

    3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

    4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

    5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

    6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

    7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

    8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

    9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... ..Oh my God, what have I just said?"