Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Thank you for shopping at Wal Mart...

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen,you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
 
It is only Thursday but......

[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods [/FONT]
[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif] [/FONT][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. [/FONT]
[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif] [/FONT][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just
about every buttercup in the patch. [/FONT]
[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif] [/FONT][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little
old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to
make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't
have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better
still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of
your life..... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter
for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF!......she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the ***** willows." [/FONT]
[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif] [/FONT][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"[/FONT]
 
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me." And, so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I loved him... I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
 
I'm gonna be a divorce attorney - the work's not physically demanding and the day just zips right along -

Time flies when you're halving funds! :D

(With apologies to Frank & Ernest!:))
 
A father was out with his 3 year old son one Saturday. As they were walking into a Barnes and Noble to look for a picture book the boy was playing with a shiny new quarter. Soon the boy was choking and the quarter was gone. Before he could do anything the father noticed a young well-dressed woman had left her coffee at the table and walked over.

She pulled the boys pants down and put her hand on his privates gently at first then more firmly finally with a quick pull the kid coughed, the quarter went flying, she caught it in her other hand and gave it to the father.

When he finally could speak he said "that's fantastic, are you a doctor", "No" she replied "I'm a divorce attorney"
 
The Silent Treatment


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."


He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM. And he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

It said,


"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
 
Is it Friday yet?

Best,

Dave

Finally, an over-riding reason to get a pilot's licence...



DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT !

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary,
chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten 100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them
out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."
 
etsisk said:
can't we keep the political bias in the spin zone??
Click to expand...
Oops... I'll delete mine. If Chuck or whomever moves the other one by Dave, I'll repost my response.

Now, my response to Tom... Party pooper! :D
 
Sorry:

I didn't even focus on the political party; it could have been either, but I see in retrospect it says Democratic candidates. To me, it could have been any of the candidates--either party(s) <g>

No problems or hurt feelings with me if it needs to be moved <g>

Best,

Dave
 
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As a Mom passes her daughter's closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: What In The World Are You Doing?"

The daughter replied: "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing the daughter said: "Dad, I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, Mom came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: "What the Hell are you doing?"

The husband replied: "I'm watching football with my son in-law."
 
Credit/blame my sister:

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.


He walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me --This very moment."


His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."


Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.


More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken".
 
The Princess and the Frog

The fairy tale that should be read to girls when they are little:

Once upon a time
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so."

That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't freakin' think so!"
 
TO THOSE WHO ARE OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER............

These great questions and answers are from "Hollywood Squares" .

Peter Marshall was the host asking these questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more "growing old" question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
 
Oh, damn, those were FUNNY!!! I'd forgotten how funny those folks were on that silly show!! :D :D :D :D
 
True Meaning Of Marriage


He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered...................



















"THE TEETH".
 
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I
sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper!"
 
Subject: Apple Computers

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants ... The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. :D
 
An elderly gentleman we know made us laugh as he told us this story.. he really had us going til the end, when we finally realized he was pulling a fast one on us:


I went clubbing last night.

Met a lady a couple of years younger than me, maybe 70ish, but still very attractive.

We laughed and talked and drank.

We drank and talked and laughed some more.

Then she asked me a question just about every man has fantasized about: she asked if I had ever indulged in a mother and daughter threesome! When I recovered my wits and replied "no", she said this was my lucky night.

Wow! It was one of those dreams come true!

I drove her back to her house, and she unlocked the door and led me inside. My heart was pounding. Then she shouted up the stairs, "Mom, are you still awake?"
 
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etsisk said:
Oh, damn, those were FUNNY!!! I'd forgotten how funny those folks were on that silly show (Hollywood Squares)!! :D :D :D :D
Click to expand...

A lot, if not all, of those were pre-written by the writing staff/and or the "celebrity." They had a disclaimer that the celebs may have been given the questions and answers before the show. I remember one panelist who was asked about that who said they just said, "if you don't know, say XXX," meaning a reasonable phony answer. What he didn't say was the writers gave them the joke answer. I would imagine the celeb could work with the writers to have a better joke ready. Buddy Hackett wouldn't need a writer.
 
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Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe
says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor
league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you
get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball up there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend
for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by
a blinding flash of light and a voice calling out to him "Moe - Moe"

"Who is it?, asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad
news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet,
all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that,
we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never
rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we
never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!

"So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."
 
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

"Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
 
Re: OK, another Irish Joke...

colomtnflyer said:
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.

Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.
"I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Click to expand...

That is hysterically funny! Even more so because it is so much like the Irish.
 
Lessons on the beach...

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude
beachin Tampa.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the
women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back
to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."


The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean
but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger
things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger the things are, the dumber the man
is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the
ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells hi s
mother:

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the
longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
 
At the risk of sending this to the 'spin zone'....




Chelsea Clinton was interviewing a US soldier and asked him what three things scared him the most.

He answered, "Osama, Obama and Yo Mama."
 
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be too afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Chapped lips? Rub chicken poop on them. It won't ease the chapping, but it will keep you from licking them.

9. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

And finally ... Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

One out of every four people suffer from a mental disorder. If you have three friends, and none of them have a problem -- well .... you do the math!
 
I saw this great bumper sticker the other day:


------------------------------------------------------------
I WONDERED WHY THE FRISBEE WAS GETTING BIGGER
THEN IT HIT ME
------------------------------------------------------------

Gosh, I'm a dork...

--Kath
 
kath said:
I saw this great bumper sticker the other day:


------------------------------------------------------------
I WONDERED WHY THE FRISBEE WAS GETTING BIGGER
THEN IT HIT ME
------------------------------------------------------------

Gosh, I'm a dork...

--Kath
Click to expand...

Naw, you need to appreciate the bumper sticker that was popular in Silicon Valley a number of years ago -

"My kid was Geek of the Week at Wozniak School"

:D
 
Dog Food Diet

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her "No, I'm starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. But, I lost fifty pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms."

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??
 
Fall Classes for Men
at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Oct 30, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
 
Yeah, I know; it's Saturday.

From a retired friend:


Don't I wish...


It's all about perspective....


Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he
just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15
minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in
a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to
tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up job, but your being
late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force.
What did they say if you came in late there"?

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

HR
 
Mistaken Identity

Mistaken Identity

A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover California's Wildfires. He
wanted pictures of the heroic work the Firefighters were doing. He soon
realized that the smoke was so thick it would make it impossible for him to
get good
photographs from the ground. He requested a plane so he could take photos
from the air.

He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".
The pilot taxied out and roared down the runway. Once in the air the
photographer said to the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make two or three
low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for CNN and I need to get some close-up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment but finally stammered,

"So, what you're telling me is you're NOT my flight instructor???"
 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself
a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began
searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could
disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
 
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