Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!
- Thread starter Let'sgoflying!
- Start date
Attention Wal Mart Shoppers!
mulligan
Cleared for Takeoff
Stolen from another board:
Why I am a pilot.
When young, I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who said SPINE are doctors today.
The rest of us went to flight school.
Why I am a pilot.
When young, I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who said SPINE are doctors today.
The rest of us went to flight school.
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth.
I did.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the hell I am now....
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth.
I did.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the hell I am now....
Matthew
Touchdown! Greaser!
^^^
The local morning sports radio guys spent nearly 30 minutes today arguing over who contributed more to the chicken culinary arts: Colonel Sanders or General Tso?
The local morning sports radio guys spent nearly 30 minutes today arguing over who contributed more to the chicken culinary arts: Colonel Sanders or General Tso?
FormerHangie
En-Route
Not a joke, but very funny if you haven't seen the Trunk Monkey commercials, watch this:
mscard88
Touchdown! Greaser!
Why Older People Don't Get Hired
Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty!"
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don't give a **** what you think."
Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty!"
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don't give a **** what you think."
Last edited:
Acrodustertoo
Ejection Handle Pulled
This is the guy i would hire! he is not a puppet and has character.
mscard88
Touchdown! Greaser!
pikespeakmtnman
Pre-takeoff checklist
Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk
This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?
Tarheelpilot
Final Approach
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Display name:
Tarheelpilot
denverpilot
Tied Down
Looks like a Münsterlander. That's what we think our big guy is, or a mix of, anyway.
And yeah, I could see that idiot being molested by a deer. He's constantly picked on by his sister who's half his size and takes it all in stride if he's focused on something else. She could stand on his back and if he was Iocked in, watching something in the distance, he'd pretend she wasn't even up there.
They're bred for hunting birds and smaller game. If it's small he's locked in, or he's bolting after it. I've clocked him at over 25 MPH, and he's somewhere between 85 and 90 lbs. Rabbits hood a particular fascination for him, but he hasn't caught one yet. He's scared a number of them into the next county, though.
mscard88
Touchdown! Greaser!
denverpilot
Tied Down
Damn Nate, it was just a joke!
Haha I know. Just don't see too many Münsterlanders! The photo made me LOL though because he really would do/allow that!
(The US breeders are half a bubble off of plumb. You should see their websites. They interview people and only sell the breed to hunters for big $$$. If they catch wind of a dog left at a shelter they go get it. Some even tattoo their ears as pups to prove it's a dog they bred. I figure they're just trying to keep people from finding out what an excellent family breed that they can be, like they are in Europe and even as close as Canada. Which is also why we figure ours is probably an oops baby who is a mix, or a Canadian import. Ha. He's a really great dog.)
Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe
Touchdown! Greaser!
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Display name:
Light and Sporty Guy
mscard88
Touchdown! Greaser!
Sensitivity Training
1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
2. My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name is Heather.
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."
10. If you get an email entitled, "Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton", don't open it, it contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
2. My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name is Heather.
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."
10. If you get an email entitled, "Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton", don't open it, it contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25
years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the
dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited:
"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He
had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an
affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter
on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs;
was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his
sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful
things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not at all like
that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving
people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and give his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to
go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!!
years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the
dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited:
"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He
had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an
affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter
on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs;
was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his
sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful
things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not at all like
that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving
people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and give his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to
go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!!
mscard88
Touchdown! Greaser!
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and
I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and
I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.
denverpilot
Tied Down
The joke is funny, but real in my family. One person in my family found out their SO was cheating on them, when the two lovers (who also happened to be ex-es) ended up both in the ER at the hospital together after an automobile accident, in the same car...
Kinda ended the marriage real quick after finding hubby in the hospital bed next to his ex, after public safety folks called and said he had been in a car wreck.
Probably all for the better, having met the twit.
