Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Hangar Talk' started by Let'sgoflying!, Feb 9, 2007.
Is that Wilford Brimley reading the menu?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
My father-in-law told that joke several times over the years to different people. He always ended it at the part about saying she's left-handed.
Yeah, I know it looks more like a phage.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Northern or southern hemisphere?
Today at DisneyWorld, a boat sank in the middle of the Jungle Cruise ride.
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.
The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.