[NA] Do I go to the funeral?

SixPapaCharlie

SixPapaCharlie

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First Officer 6PC
Started a new Job (fulltime WooHoo) 8 days ago. I oversee the IT department.
Day 3 a guy that has been there for years sets me down and says "Just so you know, my wife is very sick and we don't know if she is going to make it through the week"

She passed away on Saturday so he is out for a bit. Most of the company that has worked with him for years is going to her service next week. I assume you can't go wrong with erring on the side of attending but not 100% sure.

They want a few people to stay back and keep the lights on so to speak.
Would it be weird if I showed up only having known him for a few days?

I don't know how to play this one and I am fine going or not going, I am just not sure what is the more correct action.
 
When my dad passed I had a few of my old Soldiers show up to support me. I had no idea that they even knew what happened but there they were sitting in the back row. I would go and show my support, it just might mean a lot to him to know that you care, it did to me.
 
I would offer to volunteer to stay at work so others can go, otherwise go to the service and then return to work instead of the internment.

Say something to the husband and family, even if it is a quick hug and a soft I'm sorry for your loss.
 
Go. Pay your respects. If you want him to respect you as a supervisor, you should give him (and his wife) your respect during his time of need.
 
That's a good idea

The funeral is at 10 AM on a Friday and there is a gathering at his house after. I think I will go to the service and then head back to the office after.
That way I at least show that even knowing him a short while, I believe this this is far more important than work and I am respectful of his situation but don't get involved in the more intimate stuff after. I think that is the right way to go.

This is going to be a unique situation as well as when he returns. He is going to need a lot of things that I can't predict. Maybe a large workload, Maybe more time off or a super lite workload. I can't say "How's it going" flippantly like people normally do.

I will have to talk to him when he gets back and let him know I haven't gone through this situation before in a working relationship so if I am doing too much or not enough he can let me know and I will adapt.

This just isn't something I have come across much. I have lost friends / family but this is a slightly more unique to me situation.
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
Started a new Job (fulltime WooHoo) 8 days ago. I oversee the IT department.
Day 3 a guy that has been there for years sets me down and says "Just so you know, my wife is very sick and we don't know if she is going to make it through the week"

She passed away on Saturday so he is out for a bit. Most of the company that has worked with him for years is going to her service next week. I assume you can't go wrong with erring on the side of attending but not 100% sure.

They want a few people to stay back and keep the lights on so to speak.
Would it be weird if I showed up only having known him for a few days?

I don't know how to play this one and I am fine going or not going, I am just not sure what is the more correct action.
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I'd send him condolences , and simply beg off.
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
That's a good idea

The funeral is at 10 AM on a Friday and there is a gathering at his house after. I think I will go to the service and then head back to the office after.
That way I at least show that even knowing him a short while, I believe this this is far more important than work and I am respectful of his situation but don't get involved in the more intimate stuff after. I think that is the right way to go.

This is going to be a unique situation as well as when he returns. He is going to need a lot of things that I can't predict. Maybe a large workload, Maybe more time off or a super lite workload. I can't say "How's it going" flippantly like people normally do.

I will have to talk to him when he gets back and let him know I haven't gone through this situation before in a working relationship so if I am doing too much or not enough he can let me know and I will adapt.

This just isn't something I have come across much. I have lost friends / family but this is a slightly more unique to me situation.
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I think you are right on with this plan. Let him know when he gets back that you are there for him, whether that means changing his work to get him through or being available for him to come talk to you. Even if he doesn't take you up on it, you have also sent the message that you take care of your people. Too many supervisors feel like they need to "manage" all the time instead of living by the idea that generally, if you take care of your people they'll take care of you.
 
What is the relationship? Are you his supervisor, either directly or indirectly? Are you subordinate to him? I can tell you this, he probably won't remember who was there and who wasn't. I'll play the contrarian, he, nor any of his family and friends know you. Our cant bring any comfort to them. If you go you will more or less be going for yourself. Having said that, if I were in your place I would absolutely go.
 
A nice bouquet of flowers from the company wouldn't hurt, either.
 
Mike Smith said:
What is the relationship? Are you his supervisor, either directly or indirectly? Are you subordinate to him? I can tell you this, he probably won't remember who was there and who wasn't. I'll play the contrarian, he, nor any of his family and friends know you. Our cant bring any comfort to them. If you go you will more or less be going for yourself. Having said that, if I were in your place I would absolutely go.
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he reports to me
 
.... but tell him to not even think about touching that red thingie.
 
Go. It will show your people that you are concerned about them beyond just what they can produce.

I have seen companies send representatives to funerals that took place in a different city from where the person worked. People who didn't know the person at all but to show company support for the individual.

The guy is hurting, his wife is gone. his world has been turned upside down. If she has been sick for awhile he has been going through not only an emotional turmoil but it takes a physical toll on you as well. Imagine yourself in the same situation. Every little bit of support and compassion helps.
 
It depends on the individual and what he wants.

Back when I worked at the leaky grey engine factory, one of my coworkers had a sister who died from cancer. The boss insisted the whole team was going to the funeral. I knew my coworker well enough to know he probably didn't want us there. I called him up and he confirmed I was right. He said he just wanted to be able to grieve and cry without worrying about his coworkers seeing him, just friends and family. He asked us to come by the family restaurant to show our support one day, so we did that instead.

It sounds like he wants people to show up at the funeral. Since some people need to keep the lights on, I would volunteer to be one of the people keeping the lights on, and if you had enough people for that, then I would go.

When my mom dies, you all are invited to the party (a Christian funeral should be a celebration, as my mom always says - so there will be lots of wine and champagne).
 
When a former co-worker died, I chose to go on a scheduled trip and let my counterpart, who knew the family better, go to to the funeral.
 
We've had a two co-worker funerals recently. One directly, one spouse.

My take - If there is one, go to the visitation, tell him you are sorry for his loss. That's a way to get away from work for an hour or two and you can stagger that to make sure there is someone back at the office.

Maybe go to the service, depends on how comfortable you are with it, depends a lot on religious ceremonies. The internment is generally family. Any reception is sort of a social thing to burn off emotional energy, probably best to pass on that since you don't know him socially.

As far as how it goes when he comes back: I can't imagine losing a spouse, and he's going to be a wreck for a while. Probably a good thing to let him have a day or two to himself to get back into things and get caught up on messages or whatever, people will be stopping by to talk to him, and others might be just wanting to rubberneck like at a car accident. Then talk with him one on one about the transition, what he needs, and what you need from him. Be human, but be professional.
 
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There are two separate issues here. The first is, it sounds like this guy is someone you are supervising. "Just so you know...." isn't necessarily a request to have your presence at the funeral, it's a heads up he isn't going to be there.

The issue of whether it is appropriate or not to attend the funeral out of respect is a separate one. You are new and not that connected yet but on the other hand it's one of your people.
 
If he went out and told you she was sick, I'd say that's all you need to know to make the choice to go.

I like the above comment too about the visitation or the wake, but maybe not the service itself.
 
Do a quiet one on one poll of the team and see how many plan to go. If enough are not planning, then be sure and go. If there isn't enough to keep things going, then volunteer to let someone else go that wouldn't have. If you stay to work, then a private call to the employee letting him know you support him and you are choosing to stay at work to let as many of the team be there in person to support him at the service would be quite appropriate.
 
Sac Arrow said:
There are two separate issues here. The first is, it sounds like this guy is someone you are supervising. "Just so you know...." isn't necessarily a request to have your presence at the funeral, it's a heads up he isn't going to be there.

The issue of whether it is appropriate or not to attend the funeral out of respect is a separate one. You are new and not that connected yet but on the other hand it's one of your people.
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This...

But, personally, I think either choice is fine.
 
I think this question will be answered if we ask the question,

What does the fox say?
 
I fail to see what some BS working hierarchy has to do with this.

Unless the burial is occurring in the office, your job and his job is not even a factor whatsoever, I don't think he gives two chits about anything work related in this setting.

He reached out to you to tell you she wasn't well, DO NOT go as his "boss", go as a human being and as a friend.
 
If there is a visitation, go to that, if not go to the funeral. If it's a matter of someone needing to stay at work during the funeral, make sure that everyone that wants to attend, folks that have known him longer get to go. I just lost my parts manager after a long illness and a short employment term. We were scheduled to have guests visiting us at the beach the weekend of the funeral. After making arrangements to pay for the funeral, I went by and made a personal visit to his home to sit with his family the day before, since I would be out of town. They were very grateful and understood that I couldn't attend. The important thing is to reach out and let him know you care.
 
At this point Bryan only has a "work" relationship. He's been there 8 days. If I had a new supervisor, I would tell him or her if I was going to be absent, but I wouldn't expect them to show up at a family member's funeral.
 
Vaflier said:
Go out of respect for his loss.
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Simply put and correct. If your supposed to be managing this department then the answer should be obvious. You should go and show up in a suit rather than looking like youve been working on you car. Lead , follow, or get out of the way!
 
Everskyward said:
At this point Bryan only has a "work" relationship. He's been there 8 days. If I had a new supervisor, I would tell him or her if I was going to be absent, but I wouldn't expect them to show up at a family member's funeral.
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That's my take.
 
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