[NA] Do I go to the funeral?

what if you put a really sad looking cardboard cutout of yourself in the back of the service?


that may or may not be an appropriate comment, depending on whether or not you thought it was or wasn't appropriate.
 
I assume you are his direct manager and not a skip. Perhaps even if he was a skip level.

Attend. He will remember you were there. Tell him to take his time and ask him to reach out to you if he needs anything. If your wife passed away right after you got a new boss at work, would you like to know that your new boss supported you 100% and had your back?

And congrats on your new job. I'd like to recommend this book - the ideas behind it changed how I approach management and somewhat, life. https://www.amazon.com/Effective-Ma...swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1468611631&sr=1-1

The author (Mark Horstman) is from Dallas. If you can track him down, you might get him to sign it.
 
bflynn said:
Attend. He will remember you were there. Tell him to take his time and ask him to reach out to you if he needs anything. If your wife passed away right after you got a new boss at work, would you like to know that your new boss supported you 100% and had your back?
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I would want my boss telling me those things, yes. But I'm not sure I'd want a new boss at the funeral. That's a very personal question.

We all cry (well, almost all of us), but most of us don't want to cry in front of people we barely know but have to see every day at work.
 
I'm changing my stance on this.....the dudes wife just died, I don't think he gives a shiz if you go or not.
 
Unless your attendance will prevent someone else from going that has known him a long time, you should go.

Between now and then, make sure you know your company's policies and benefits as they relate to this situation. Insurance contacts, grief counseling, paid versus unpaid time off, etc., so that when he has questions you can help. In the midst of his grief and stress, he'll be dealing with family (any kids?), dispositioning the will, getting her credit cards stopped, hassling with insurance companies, having her IDs cancelled, and a thousand other things I can't recall right now. ANYthing you can do to relieve some burden, or at least help him find answers, will be appreciated.

When I've had an employee lose a family member, besides expressing my sympathy and offering condolences, I tell them something like "Don't worry about this place. I want you here when you can be here, but more importantly I want you to take whatever time you need to be away. You'll be busy with all sorts of arrangements and I don't want you to worry about work on top of it. Do the best you can to let me know when you'll be out so I can arrange coverage, but if you need to leave just leave and we'll sort it out. Let me know whatever I or the company can do to help."

If it's someone I know well, the conversation will of course be more personal, but in any case I want to do my best to take away any work stress.

Be aware that there's usually an emotional cratar a while afterward, maybe a few weeks. Initially he'll be busy and there will be family and friends all around, but when things transition to the new "normal" is when reality sets in and serious sadness and depression take hold. Keep and eye on him and help as you can.
 
If you genuinely feel badly for his loss then you could go. That would be unlikely, as you do not know him. Otherwise, you're putting on a show for others' benefit to make it appear that you care. You cannot offer sincere condolences to someone that you don't know. And even if offered, trust me, they will ring hollow and not feel genuine to either party. Don't be that fake guy at someone's most dire time.
 
eman1200 said:
I'm changing my stance on this.....the dudes wife just died, I don't think he gives a shiz if you go or not.
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That too...

But maybe that's just how I would feel, although it's hard to say because I don't have a spouse. On the other hand, I arranged the memorial luncheon for my mom and it was invitation only, with relatives and close friends. I wouldn't have invited anyone from work even if work hadn't been 1000 miles away.
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
Sounds like there is no right or wrong answer.
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There is a right and wrong way to handle it, though. Go or don't go. His loss is about as personal as it gets. You don't know him personally and barely know him professionally. If you go, go as a co-worker not as a boss. And since you really don't know him as a co-worker, might be best to keep your presence low key. That's why I suggested the visitation. You'd get a chance to say something to him, then you can leave by the side door. Some funerals I've attended seem to have someone there that just wants to check off a box, don't be that guy.
 
If you can miss the time from work, I'd say it sure wouldn't hurt to go. It's a nice gesture and would make a good name for yourself since you haven't known each other very long.
 
I can miss. We don't make heart valves.
I just wondered what the protocol is in this instance. He was put in my position after the last IT manager moved out of state.
He is going back to do his old job in 60 days but they want him to report to me for 60 days to transition his domain knowledge to me before he transitions back to his former position in the company.

Its a smaller company very similar to that show "The Office" 15 people up front that have all worked together for 10-15 years and a warehouse crew.
I haven't figured out if I am Jim or Andy. Ugh.. I hope I am not Dwight.

Come to think of it I might be Pam.
 
I am going to go to the church service and hang in the very back and give him my condolences on the way out and then head back to the office.
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
I am going to go to the church service and hang in the very back and give him my condolences on the way out and then head back to the office.
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I'd check to see what they're serving after the burial first. Sometimes the food can be pretty good.

Rich
 
One of the guys at work went to a funeral a couple weeks ago for a co-worker. At the dinner afterward, he got a few drinks in him and started hitting on the daughter. Don't be that guy.
 
Matthew said:
One of the guys at work went to a funeral a couple weeks ago for a co-worker. At the dinner afterward, he got a few drinks in him and started hitting on the daughter. Don't be that guy.
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Ok, I will skip it then. Thanks.
 
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Matthew said:
One of the guys at work went to a funeral a couple weeks ago for a co-worker. At the dinner afterward, he got a few drinks in him and started hitting on the daughter. Don't be that guy.
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Well wait a minute - am I missing something or is dad unable to call him out in that?
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
I can miss. We don't make heart valves.
I just wondered what the protocol is in this instance. He was put in my position after the last IT manager moved out of state.
He is going back to do his old job in 60 days but they want him to report to me for 60 days to transition his domain knowledge to me before he transitions back to his former position in the company.

Its a smaller company very similar to that show "The Office" 15 people up front that have all worked together for 10-15 years and a warehouse crew.
I haven't figured out if I am Jim or Andy. Ugh.. I hope I am not Dwight.

Come to think of it I might be Pam.
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I was thinking Stapler Guy in "Office Space." But I really don't know you either. LOL

 
Oh, yeah - don't take a date.

(Unless, of course, she's a really really hot goth.)
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
Started a new Job (fulltime WooHoo) 8 days ago. I oversee the IT department.
Day 3 a guy that has been there for years sets me down and says "Just so you know, my wife is very sick and we don't know if she is going to make it through the week"

She passed away on Saturday so he is out for a bit. Most of the company that has worked with him for years is going to her service next week. I assume you can't go wrong with erring on the side of attending but not 100% sure.

They want a few people to stay back and keep the lights on so to speak.
Would it be weird if I showed up only having known him for a few days?

I don't know how to play this one and I am fine going or not going, I am just not sure what is the more correct action.
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CONGRATS ON THE NEW FULL TIME JOB!!
 
Mason said:
And how did they take it at the old job when you quit?
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my boss jokingly said she hates me but understands and expects the others on the team to leave soon. It is a pretty rough environment. My boss did say if it doesn't work out, I will always have a job there. That was a really nice thing to say.
 
Alright, I went to the funeral but I am skipping the after deal.
It was a catholic funeral so I can't fly for 8 hours but attending was the right decision.
 
you never mentioned free booze. sht, 'I' woulda went if I knew that......
 
Nah not really. It was actually kinda weird.
They did the communion thing and prefaced with "If you are not Catholic, remain seated during this part"
 
Glad to hear that your decision felt right.

At my dads funeral, people I did not know came up to me just to say a few words. That meant a lot to me.

I don't remember who said it.... "If you don't go to their funeral, they won't go to yours...."
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
Nah not really. It was actually kinda weird.
They did the communion thing and prefaced with "If you are not Catholic, remain seated during this part"
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Different denominations do different things with respect to communion, and sometimes even different churches within different denominations. Catholics tend to be more exclusionary and focus more heavily on the words in the Bible.

I'm Episcopal. We tend to focus on the message rather than the word for word scripture (we also believe that the Bible and science go together wonderfully). I forget the exact words that they had in the bulletin at my church growing up, but it was something along the lines of "All those baptized or drawn to Christ are welcome at His table." The way I read it was it didn't matter what denomination you were, or if you were even baptized as a Christian of any sort, you were welcome at communion if you wanted to be there. I never had a formal "first communion" as a kid, but I had friends who were also Episcopalian, and I recall being at the first communion for their son when he was 5 or 6 since their church did that. It struck me as odd that two churches of the same denomination had customs that were different to that degree.

It's interesting to see the differences.
 
Grats on the new job and definitely think you made the right choice, for you. Many folks on here would have done something differently obviously and it boils down to your own personality and what you think is right.

Being there for the guy doesn't always mean "being there". But he will remember it for sure.

SixPapaCharlie said:
Nah not really. It was actually kinda weird.
They did the communion thing and prefaced with "If you are not Catholic, remain seated during this part"
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I think I'd have a problem with that myself. My parents baptized me three times..Catholic, Baptist and Presbyterian. I've been to all three different services and years later I still don't know where I fit in so..I just call myself a Presbatholic. Some people think I've got some weird addiction to as as yet unnamed "thing".
 
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