Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
More boys will be boys.
Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!
- Thread starter Let'sgoflying!
- Start date
John Baker
Final Approach
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John Baker
I didn't Snops this, so I put it here.
John
=========================================================
John
=========================================================
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST AD
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
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Bob Noel
Matthew
Touchdown! Greaser!
No need to Snopes this one. Sometimes you just can't make this stuff up:
http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/Mugger-Left-Bloodied-After-Attempt-on-MMA-Fighter-135049528.html
http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/Mugger-Left-Bloodied-After-Attempt-on-MMA-Fighter-135049528.html
Jeanie
Pattern Altitude
That's not a knife .... Now this is a knife. 
John Baker
Final Approach
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John Baker
Lipstick in Catholic School
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister
Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers..... And then there are educators
John Baker
Final Approach
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- San Diego, California
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John Baker
Supreme Court rules no Nativity scene in DC
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United
States' Capital this Christmas season.
States' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find
Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
Nick's gonna love this story!
Ghery
Touchdown! Greaser!
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Ghery Pettit
timwinters
Ejection Handle Pulled
So, last Saturday night Craig Fuller & Randy Babbitt were sitting in a bar when Craig pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar and said, "That's us in 10 years".
*
Randy replied, "That's a mirror, dip-****!
*
Randy replied, "That's a mirror, dip-****!
Skylane81E
Final Approach
Tim, you owe me an iPad, just blew coffee all over it
Tom-D
Taxi to Parking
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Tom-D
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees
that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He
approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well...., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money
in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the
three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he
stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have
to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have
to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't
do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all
those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's
the damn tequila?"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears
stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in
58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a
pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and
sounds of a terrible fight -- then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into
the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all
over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He
approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well...., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money
in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the
three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he
stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have
to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have
to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't
do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all
those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's
the damn tequila?"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears
stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in
58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a
pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and
sounds of a terrible fight -- then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into
the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all
over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
Tom-D
Taxi to Parking
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Tom-D
Differences in Aviators
Naval Aviator
On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer
("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger
above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all
flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat
officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy/Marine tradition of asking
permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while
swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that
permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.
Air Force Pilot
We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just
before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's
thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees
the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This
time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to
confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.
Army Aviator
If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you
will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is
given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin
of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified
which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly
operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to
show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is
up.
Naval Aviator
On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer
("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger
above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all
flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat
officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy/Marine tradition of asking
permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while
swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that
permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.
Air Force Pilot
We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just
before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's
thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees
the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This
time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to
confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.
Army Aviator
If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you
will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is
given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin
of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified
which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly
operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to
show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is
up.
denverpilot
Tied Down
Funny...
Lawreston
En-Route
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
GIRLS NIGHT OUT
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I took a taxi home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. (Even when totally smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".
He didn't seem ticked off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said,
"We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, crap!!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I took a taxi home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. (Even when totally smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".
He didn't seem ticked off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said,
"We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, crap!!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
"THANK YOU for all your emails to me in 2011...."
As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and dissolve skeletons.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and dissolve skeletons.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
Nice, Troy.
This one is about the apparently overbearing TCEQ, who some tell me are the state cleanup nazis, and I believe it would survive a snopes - it looks bonafide to me after a bit of searching.
If not, pretty good joke.
This one is about the apparently overbearing TCEQ, who some tell me are the state cleanup nazis, and I believe it would survive a snopes - it looks bonafide to me after a bit of searching.
If not, pretty good joke.
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
It's funny, but I can't find it by that Regulated Entity number (RN104051438) number in the document, for open or closed cases:
http://www10.tceq.state.tx.us/epic/CCD/
I do so want it to be true! Burkeen is the county judge in Limestone County, however.
Ghery
Touchdown! Greaser!
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- Feb 25, 2005
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- Olympia, Washington
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Display name:
Ghery Pettit
Adults only
NUDE SANTA ----- Careful .....
NUDE SANTA ----- Careful .....
Scroll down to see the nude Santa
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For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa !
Sometimes I just can't believe you!!!
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Tom-D
Taxi to Parking
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- Feb 23, 2005
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Tom-D
Holiday Warning...
Please, take care of yourself.
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by *******s who drink bottled water, Starbucks , soda, juice, energy drinks, and **** like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.
Please, take care of yourself.
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by *******s who drink bottled water, Starbucks , soda, juice, energy drinks, and **** like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.
Richard
Final Approach
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- Feb 27, 2005
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Ack...city life
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!
One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!
John Baker
Final Approach
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- Oct 4, 2008
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- 7,471
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- San Diego, California
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John Baker
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage, Alaska man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers."We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ." [/FONT]
[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]"Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "and What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
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Tom-D
Taxi to Parking
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2005
- Messages
- 34,740
- Display Name
Display name:
Tom-D
Tough year so far, but I made it! But not everyone is as lucky as I am......
The economy is so bad that:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you
afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and
ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The ***** is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars,
jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal,
they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Tom
Hanford,Ca
The economy is so bad that:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you
afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and
ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The ***** is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars,
jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal,
they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Tom
Hanford,Ca
Tom-D
Taxi to Parking
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2005
- Messages
- 34,740
- Display Name
Display name:
Tom-D
THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS....
FEEL WARM & FUZZY
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother
to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her
Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room .....
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly,
"As soon as Grandma comes into the room,
make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa."
Please, please, please make a noise like a frog ........
because Grandma said that as soon as you croak.........
we're all going to Disneyland !"
FEEL WARM & FUZZY
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother
to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her
Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room .....
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly,
"As soon as Grandma comes into the room,
make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa."
Please, please, please make a noise like a frog ........
because Grandma said that as soon as you croak.........
we're all going to Disneyland !"
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
caution pg13 language
Wisdom from an old Jewish man!
Ahhhhh……the wisdom of the ages.
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Like I'm talking to a ****ing wall."
.
.
Wisdom from an old Jewish man!
Ahhhhh……the wisdom of the ages.
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Like I'm talking to a ****ing wall."
.
.
rainsux
Line Up and Wait
Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent. After a while, the first two men turn to
the third and ask, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?"
The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees." The first two men were dumbfounded. "Wow! What happened next?" they asked.
The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then
she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
the third and ask, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?"
The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees." The first two men were dumbfounded. "Wow! What happened next?" they asked.
The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then
she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
HPNFlyGirl
En-Route
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- Jun 9, 2005
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- 2,722
- Location
- I live in a house.
- Display Name
Display name:
iBrookieMonster
John Baker
Final Approach
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2008
- Messages
- 7,471
- Location
- San Diego, California
- Display Name
Display name:
John Baker
At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to that one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death.
The bartender was crushed to death.
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
As my daughters near ages where they could get married, I find this funny. And, if I was single, I'd be filing away this British retort to use when rejected by a woman:
"Damn and blast!! To hell with you then! I'm off to knife a pensioner and desecrate a church!"
"Damn and blast!! To hell with you then! I'm off to knife a pensioner and desecrate a church!"
denverpilot
Tied Down
Tom-D
Taxi to Parking
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2005
- Messages
- 34,740
- Display Name
Display name:
Tom-D
INSENSITIVITY
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
Question -Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
Question -Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
How things have changed.
Jeanie
Pattern Altitude
Dave, that's sad
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
Yep. I was thinking sad, but true.
ajstoner21
Cleared for Takeoff
That is kind of funny Dave, in a sad kind of way..