Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard Friday Airlines. Please make sure that all office supply items are stowed either inside the nearest irritating coworker or hidden completely inside the messenger bag slung across you. If your boss has problems with the proper stowage of your 'couldn't care less' attitude, please let an HR person know and they will be happy to do nothing whatsoever. If you are seated in a windowless cubicle, please read the information on the 'what to do if you are just an imprisoned monkey' card which is located in the half empty fishcracker box on your desk. If you do not meet the criteria for advancing out of this cubicle, or if you do not wish to assist others who kiss butt better than you, let upper management know at this time and they will be happy to dismiss you with a wave of their "I lost my compassion years ago" latte. Prior to departure from the office all cell-phones will spontaneously combust with invitations to numerous Schlitznics. Run while you can. Once again, we welcome you to Friday Airlines.
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,



wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his

testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you,

there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
 
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand. He nervously asks,'Is this your husband? 'No, silly,' she replies, 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, Is it your your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear. 'That's me before the surgery.'
 
~~~~~~~~~ A VARIATION ON THE PILOT WATCH ~~~~~~~~~~~

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman---
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
'What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing
panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'
 
PARAPROSDOKIANS
Definition: 'Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising, or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.'

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with his experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!

4. If I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a Fruit Salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify: I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman!

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know He doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a kitchen makes you a cook!

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember, the Fire Department usually uses water!

Words of Wisdom "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
 
This ain't working..
 

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Ruger is coming out with a new and intimidating
pistol in honor of ALL Senators and Congressmen. ~

It will be named The Politician.

It doesn't work, and you can't fire it.
 
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? Its because she smells like a new truck!


A man lives alone on his farm, he wrote a letter to his son in prison, "I can not plant potatoes this year .. I'm too old to dig the ground up." Soon he gets a letter from his son, "Do NOT dig the ground up, that's where I have stored all the corpses!!!" Next morning the police came and dug up the entire field, but they found nothing. A few days after he received another letter from his son, "There Daddy , NOW can you plant potatoes .. It was the best I could do from here.


Two old ladies outside a nursing home smoking when it starts to rain. One lady pulls out a condom, cuts the end & put it over her Cig, continued smokin. Her friend asks, "Whats that?" "A condom so my Cig doesn't get wet", "Where do get it?", "You get them at a shop". Next day her friend goes to a shop, asks the pharmacist for condoms, surprised he looks at her strangely as she is well over 80 yrs old, but asks her what brand? "Doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel".
 
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see, "replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago..."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
 
An oldie, but always makes me smile!




Subj: Brilliant New Israeli Invention​

​

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter, an announcement:
"Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!" ​

​
​


​





 
So, I was in my hometown this evening for my high school homecoming. It's the typical Missouri small town, this one's German Catholic and I went to the Catholic High School.

So, we're all out at the Legion Hall about 5pm, drinking beer and watch the parade go by. Like most parades these days, it's tradition that all the "floats" throw candy to the kids.

A float labeled "our clergy" goes by. The preists are throwing candy to the kids.

And I think to myself (and tell the folks next to me) "that just ain't right!"


(and as Larry would say..."I don't care who you are...that there's funny")

(true story)
 
NEW STD
 

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Since it's officially Fall now...

4b94241c-2e5d-5e4e.jpg
 
An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote:
"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S. , than you are in Iraq .

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington
 
This really happened, I was working the Fairchild in my hangar and a guy stops by to see what I was doing to what, I had never met him before, but we get to talking and one thing leads to another and he mentioned he had used a online date webpage to converse with a lady. they exchanged picture names and all that which lead to a date.
They were to meet at a local Mexican restaurant, but he had the haunting feeling he had seen her before, they had a great time and arranged for another date.

a couple days pass and he has the occasion to enter a co-workers cubical and low and behold there is her picture on his desk kids and all.
 
Tom-D said:
This really happened, I was working the Fairchild in my hangar and a guy stops by to see what I was doing to what, I had never met him before, but we get to talking and one thing leads to another and he mentioned he had used a online date webpage to converse with a lady. they exchanged picture names and all that which lead to a date.
They were to meet at a local Mexican restaurant, but he had the haunting feeling he had seen her before, they had a great time and arranged for another date.

a couple days pass and he has the occasion to enter a co-workers cubical and low and behold there is her picture on his desk kids and all.
Click to expand...
That needs to go in Kimberly Ann's Social Experiment thread!
 
PittsDriver said:
An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote:
"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S. , than you are in Iraq .

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington
Click to expand...

I think the best joke here is some people probably buy that math:idea:
 
Last edited:
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

RANCHER: "Well, there's my hired hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to . . . the mentally challenged one."

RANCHER: "That would be me."
 
Matthew said:
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

RANCHER: "Well, there's my hired hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to . . . the mentally challenged one."

RANCHER: "That would be me."
Click to expand...

Gotta share that with my Democratic Friends. (FB)
 
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven."
 
Forgive me.....



[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif] The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....
[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


[/FONT]
[/FONT]
 
Friend and I were walking and we spot a penny lying on the ground, I started to pick it up when he say's "Oh that's a Obama penny" I stopped and thought a minute then he says " it ain't worth Sh--"
 
An association strategy for teaching/ learning in kinder:
The school children began to identify the lifesaver's flavors by color:





Red.....................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange





Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!


The teacher had to leave the room!
 
On Bud's Forums the question came up: what is the smallest caliber you trust
to protect yourself...



My personal favorite bear defence gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in
.22 short! I've found over the years when hiking in bear country I never
leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know the first rule when
hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". For those of you who
may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a
friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is
someone to go get help. I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in
northern Ontario . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she
MAD! We must have been near one of her cubs. Any way if I had not had my
little jetfire I'd sure not be here today. That's right, one shot to my
brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a
brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my safe!
 
WARNING!
Some of these are somewhat racy. Even worse though, many are not politically correct. If such things offend you, skip these.

Sent: Tuesday, October 11, 2011 10:00 AM
Subject: A Bit 'O Bleedin' British Humour

A Bit 'O Bleedin' British Humour

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... Although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, "I am not understanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!
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Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!



 
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed
in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene
on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from the Ohio and just graduated from Ohio State with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
 
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children..

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."


"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Queensland.
 
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such
a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said that it didn't.

The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, " Where do you think attorneys come from?"
 
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car especially for women which should be far less susceptible to theft.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus,
calling it the "Clitaurus."

The average male thief won't be able to find it,
let alone operate the damn thing.
 
JEWISH DIVORCE...
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."

All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.

My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece

When it used to be the size of a nickel."

Her mother says,

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,

You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion

You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,

You get $2,000 a week allowance,

You take 6 vacations a year and

You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents?"

Now that's a Jewish mother!!!
 
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