Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

A young man moved out from his parent's home and into a new apartment, all his own.

He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...
That was me.'

​
 
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
 
The wife...


This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks them if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married and can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, and is a good cook too."




 
Is this statuetory rape?

Or is it just a moosedemeanor?

Stop laughing! This is serious.


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italian gentleman
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to
the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the
Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if
you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''​
 
Eric Holder and Anthony Weiner are running for president It will be a Weiner Holder ticket.
 
What's the difference between a Peeping Tom and a Pickpocket?

A pickpocket snatches watches.
 
THE CARING GRANDFATHER

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets (candy) in the sweet aisle, biscuits (cookies) in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop (soda) in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy"

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . . . The little ****'s name is Archibald!
 
A wife says to her husband, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"


He says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."


"Excellent," she replies,
"I won 12 bucks, here's $6 - now F*ck off
 
Gotta love those Ukrainians,



















In a small town in Manitoba , a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.

They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Ethelbert rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant... And drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Ethelbert old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck."



















 
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my
testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am
every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.. No
point in you coming in for that."
 
Let'sgoflying! said:
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my
testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am
every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.. No
point in you coming in for that."
Click to expand...

That, there was funny.
thanks
 
Some of us arer just a bit slower than the rest of ya.
 

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Little Johnny showed up an hour late for school one day and the teacher asked for an explanation. He said " it was because my dad sleeps naked". Of course the teacher was stunned and asked for an explanation. Little Johnny said that late in the evening the chickens started a fuss in the coop so his dad grabbed the shotgun and ran out to check it out since they've had a fox going after them. His dad snuck up and eased the shotgun through a knothole in the coop and was peering in. Their dog ole blue walked up and stuck her cold nose in his butt crack and Little Johnny said " we've been cleaning chickens since 3 this morning!".
 
The Gynecologist who became a Mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with hospital politics, staffing
nightmares, middle of the night phone calls, pharmacies
calling all the
time, malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and drug salesmen
dropping in, and was basically totally burned out on medicine
as a career.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be
beneficial, he decided
to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening
classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time
of the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the
Instructor, Saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding score,
but I wonder if
there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total score. You put
the engine back
together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the
score." After a pause,
the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
it all
through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
career."
 
reminds me of the one where the Harley mechanic was comparing himself to a surgeon, where they both did similar work. Since they both removed parts, repaired parts and reinstalled parts, the Harley mech said he should be able to charge the same as the surgeon.

The surgeon said "When you can do it while the engine's still running, you can charge my rate."
 
The Dali Lama walks into the pizza place and asks, "can you make me one with everything?"
 
OK, so the guy buys a hot dog from a vendor on the street in NY... the vendor asks how do you want it and he says he wants a Buddhist hotdog...the vendor snarls and says "what?" and the guy says "ya'know a dog that's one w/ everything" chuckle chuckle he cracks himself up

Guy gives the vendor a $10.00 bill and then waits and waits. When he asks for his change the vendor smiles and says "Ah, change comes from within"
 
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Stolen from Larry the Cable Guy: "I'm so scared of that Swine Flu, I won't even watch The View!"
 
Tom-D said:
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama.

It will be named the “Union Worker”.

It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.
Click to expand...

I'll bet the guys and gals in ALPA would love that. :rolleyes:
 
A union worker, a Tea Party member, and a corporate CEO are sitting at a table with a dozen cookies. The CEO takes eleven of the cookies and turns to the Tea Party member saying, "Hey, I think that union guy is going to take your cookie!"
 
If I google on the word joke, I get about 285 million hits in about .04 sec. Why would anyone feel compelled to start another joke thread, especially in a flying forum?
 
If I google on the word joke, I get about 285 million hits in about .04 sec. Why would anyone feel compelled to start another joke thread, especially in a flying forum?
Click to expand...

It's not a thread to discuss the pros and cons of a joke thread. It's an actual joke thread.
Start your own if you'd like to discuss the that topic! :D
 
kontiki said:
If I google on the word joke, I get about 285 million hits in about .04 sec. Why would anyone feel compelled to start another joke thread, especially in a flying forum?
Click to expand...

Why not indeed? Pilots tell pretty good jokes.

One of my favorite childhood memories was when Dad got back from a trip (UAL pilot) and told my brother and me the latest knee-slapper from the cockpit. My mom would roll her eyes, which made the jokes twice as funny! :D
 
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