Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.

They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tire burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to do the test.

The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.

They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day, they went for their test.

The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...

The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks.......

Q. 1. Which tire?

a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right
 
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup.


Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman (a man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck...........

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership.... Damn guy had no sense of humor.
 
At the retirement party for an old pilot, someone asked him what he was going to do now.

Here is his response:

I'm going to move far away from here. When I get to where I'm going, I'm going to stick a propeller in my front yard. If someone asks me why I have a propeller in my front yard, I'll pull up my propeller and move far away from there. When I get to where I'm going, I'll stick that propeller in my front yard again. If someone once again asks me about the Propeller sticking out of my front lawn, I'll pull up that propeller and move again....

I'll keep doing that until someone walks up to me with a big question mark over their head and asks me... What is that funny-looking thing stuck in your front yard?
 
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom.. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
 
THE IRISH PRIEST

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a moment...........................................
Father O'Malley then replied:
'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
 
Please excuse me if this attorney joke has already been posted (all present company excepted of course).

Best,

Dave
=================================================================

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

The lawyer continues, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
 
NAG NAG NAG

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
Does this belong in Spin Zone, or the Joke Friday thread? You decide...

69GDC.jpg
 
Two good ol' boys from the coast of Maine were sitting on the front
porch talking one afternoon over a cold beer, after having hauled a days worth of lobster.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If I was to sneak ovah
to youwa house Satuday & make love to youwa wife while you was
off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that
make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched
his head, and squinted his eyes thinking really hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know 'bout kin, but it'd shuah make us even."
 
Subject: A pilot gets home late..............

He left home about 8:30 a.m. to do some work in his hanger at the airport with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?"
question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the airport."

1:30 came & went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00pm he rolls in the driveway, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

I finished cleaning the plane about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home,
when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her
car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a
place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that
I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up
the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop,
we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that
this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion
to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door
having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home.

His wife looked him right in the eye and said "don't **** me; YOU WENT FLYING, DIDIN'T YOU?
 
Darcy's Inbox (for fans of Pride & Prejudice; if you're not, this won't make sense):


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Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama.

It will be named the “Union Worker”.

It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.
 
Tom-D said:
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama.

It will be named the “Union Worker”.

It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.
Click to expand...
Why "Obama"? Unions have been around a long time before Obama got elected. Some of the union workers at convention centers (San Francisco and New Orleans particularly stand out in my memory) were difficult to work with when setting up for trade shows, so I get the joke. They were also difficult many years ago, long before Barack got elected.
 
Cap'n Jack said:
Why "Obama"? Unions have been around a long time before Obama got elected. Some of the union workers at convention centers (San Francisco and New Orleans particularly stand out in my memory) were difficult to work with when setting up for trade shows, so I get the joke. They were also difficult many years ago, long before Barack got elected.
Click to expand...

You only carry it when you have on your comfortable shoes, and are walking the picket line.
 
Harlequin novel, version 2011


He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my rib cage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to
my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A
man not used to taking ‘No’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
 
The Irish Caddy

The Irish Golf Caddy

A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole.

He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor

tee shots, to which the caddy replies:



"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of your driver. "

The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the

caddy says:

"No, the other end."
 
I hear McD's now has the McSheen Burger. They ask you if you want some Coke with that.... :cornut:
 
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg, SA.

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported . . . . . .:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) . . . . . passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing their seats, when a flight attendant announced . . . ."People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said . . . . . "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached our cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights . . . . This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings . . . . . . If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

- - - o 0 o - - -

"Thank you for flying Kulula Airlines . . . . . We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker . . . . ."Whoa, big fella . . . . W H O A!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on the flight announced . . . . . "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

From a Kulula employee . . . . "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . . . . .
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

- - - o 0 o - - -

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face . . . . . If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs . . . . If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

- - - o 0 o - - -

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

- - - o 0 o - - -

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation . . . and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings . . . . . Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants . . . . Please do not leave children or spouses!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

And from the pilot during his welcome message . . . . "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry . . . . . Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

Heard on Kulula 255, just after a very hard landing in Cape Town, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said . . . . ."That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking . . . . . I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt they used on the runways!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day, after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said . . . ."Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City . . . . . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis, what's left of our airplane, to the gate!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing . . . . . "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard . . . . . The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited . . . smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline . . . . He said, that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

- - - o 0 o - - -

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal . . . . .!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement . . . . "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today . . . . And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

Heard on a Kulula flight . . . . . "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing . . . . . If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em!"

- - - o 0 o - - -

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . . . . . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom . . . . . ."Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking . . . . . Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight . . . . . Now sit back and relax . . . . . OH, MY GOODNESS . . . . !" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said . . . . . "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier . . . . . While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing . . . . . You should see the back of mine!"
 
OMG - If I hadn't seen that I wouldn't have believed it............
 
Two gators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ******* and a briefcase.
 
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