Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

The Dam

The Dam



This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.


A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.


The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.



These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS
 
Re: A trip to WalMart

mikea said:
Funny! I headed out for errands including a sandwich Costco Sunday and pretty much did the above.

I enjoyed the view of lots of pretty girls but they all were married moms. Welcome to suburbia.
Click to expand...

You should go to the one in Morgan City LA, it's all 14yr old single moms.:hairraise:
 
I thought this was a good way to get a complaint across.

I know it's been around awhile, but it's still funny.
 

Attachments

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A young pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. On his first nighttime approach into a field in rural Iowa, instead of making any official request to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

In response, the controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?"
 
A Grandma's Letter

(She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.)

She writes:

Dear Granddaughter: The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
 
thats a classic ric, thanks for reminding me of it. i think my parents had it hanging on the fridge for quite a while.
 
The Hypnotist

icon1.gif
The Hypnotist
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"


His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
 
Giving 100%

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Heres a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G [/FONT]
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** [FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]and [/FONT]Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
 
How To Achieve Inner Peace......

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.


By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."


So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel. :)



Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace....
 
Proof that Barney is Evil:

We all had our suspicions, but here is the proof.

First, what is Barney? He is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR.

Now, let's look at this like the ancient Romans would have:
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

Speaking of Romans, let's take out the Roman numerals:
C V V L D I V

Now, let's convert them to Arabic numbers:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5

Add them together and you get:
666!!! Barney is SATAN!!! :)
 
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by; the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.






 
Hillary and The Cowboy

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt,faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.

"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right, ma'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm. "How about Iraq?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know s..t?"
 
Ah, so it's political jokes now? Okay!

Bush was complaining to Laura that people thought Rove was smarter than him and he didn't know why, seeing as how HE was the President and not Rove. Laura suggested he call Rove in and ask him about it.

Bush calls Rove into the oval office and asks, Karl, why is that I'm the President, but everyone thinks that YOU are the brains around here?

Rove takes Bush over to a wall and holds his hand out in front of the wall, palm facing Bush. "Hit my hand" he says, and Bush gives a mighty swing! Of course, Rove moves his hand before he's hit and Bush strikes the wall with his fist. As Bush hops up and down, shaking his hand, Rove says, "That's why", and walks out.

Later that day, Bush and Laura are walking in the Rose Garden. Laura asks him if he talked with Rove and Bush said that he had. Laura asked him if Rove explained anything to him and Bush said that he had, sort of. Laura asked him what - Bush said "I'll show you". He looked around and, being in a garden, saw that there were no walls close by, so he put his hand up in front of his face and said, "Here, hit my hand ...". :D
 
You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that " dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block p arty.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jim my Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1.You has never met any celebr ities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND you can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
 
An couple boarded a plane in Chicago headed for Los Angles. The wife took the window seat and her husband took the seat beside her. A younger gentleman took the Isle seat next to the husband. They struck up a confersation.
Husband: Where are you from?
Stranger: I have lived in Chicago.
Wife: ( to husband) What did he say? What did he say?
Husband: He said he has lived in Chicago.
Husband to stranger: Wher are you headed?
Stranger: I'm moving out to Los Angles.
Wife again: What did he say?
Husband: He said he is moving out to Los Angles.
Husband( to stranger ) : How come you are leaving Chicago.
Stranger: Well, to tell you the truth, I met this gal and she turned out to be the worse piece-- or the worse lover in all of Chicago!
Wife (to husband) What did he say? What did he say?
Husband (to Wife): He said he thinks he knows you!:redface:
 
Lawreston said:
You can live in the Midwest where...
1.You has never met any celebr ities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
Click to expand...
Here, here....!
 
Ole ant da hooker

Ole ant da hooker-

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- it's a police officer."What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making luff to my vife ," Ole answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry." says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine that damn light in her face."
 
Lawreston said:
You can live in the Midwest where...
1.You has never met any celebr ities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
Click to expand...

i can vouch for pretty much all of those
 
A Lawyer to love!

THIS IS A LAWYER TO LOVE!

Only in Louisiana - you have to love this lawyer - It's too good not to share! Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be
granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: (Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: (Actual Letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain
named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful
about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world, as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our loan?"

He got the loan.
 
Lawreston said:
You can live in the Midwest where...
1.You has never met any celebr ities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
Click to expand...

bbchien said:
Here, here....!
Click to expand...

Well except for the Chicago area I guess becasue;

1.You has never met any celebr ities, but the mayor knows your name.

Laureen Holly lives only a couple of miles from me.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

Um no. It took 1.5 hours to go 13 miles today into work.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
Yep

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
I hear that all the time. Also add, "You want to go or no" as one of my favorite Midwestern phrases.

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
Guess I live by people who travel much more than other Midwesterners as I have never heard that.
 
tonycondon said:
whos that?? :dunno:
Click to expand...
She is the redhead in Dumb and Dumber, played a cop in Pickett Fences, and is currently in Navel CIS.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000452/

I see her from time to time at the Starbucks in Barrington.

Also 7 of 9 (Star Trek Voyager Fame) lived a bit further away. She used to attend a gym that a close friend of mine worked. There are also a lot of other stars here in the Chicago area. Several of the Cusaks (Joan for one) still live here as did the dad from Fraiser (he lives in Oak Park).
 
The funniest thing I have read lately, from the babes boards

""Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear end and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

WALMART WON'T let me shop there anymore!!! """
 
You can live in Colorado where...

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 
Have you folks heard about this new movie?? Its called "Constipation"

























































It hasnt come out yet
 
smigaldi said:
Also 7 of 9 (Star Trek Voyager Fame) lived a bit further away. ...
Click to expand...

For her, I'd be assimilated! :yes:

In fact, I think she's at least Nine of Ten.
 
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