Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

A few days ago a friend of mine sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' hat. I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vet Nam Vet?"

"No" I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that hat?"

"Because I couldn't find my hat from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936"

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too fun.

"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously Awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah." he gave me the "don't threaten me look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat...
 
Best usage of post it notes
 

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Well, I just read an explanation for the square root of -1 and now know that there are imaginary numbers. Cool.

Geoff, you must have some electrical engineering background because it said that y'all use j instead of I to designate the imaginary number because i stands for another property in electrical formulas....
 
Jeanie said:
Well, I just read an explanation for the square root of -1 and now know that there are imaginary numbers. Cool.

Geoff, you must have some electrical engineering background because it said that y'all use j instead of I to designate the imaginary number because i stands for another property in electrical formulas....
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Imaginary numbers are fascinating considering that they work to solve non-imaginary problems.

The use of "i" in Ohm's Law is the reason for the letter swap in Electrical Engineering disciplines, since E=IR is core to EE. (Voltage = Current * Resistance)

Then you learn about impedance and reactance when the electrons are flopping around a whole bunch and not traveling with a Direct To clearance.

And of course we radio geeks who use a lot of Ohm's Law usually like to keep our antenna systems as close to 50+j0 as possible. 50 ohms, no relative reactance or impedance.

Which is exactly what was wrong with my transponder. Definitely not 50+j0.

More like "tiny number"+j"who knows".

Shorted cables suck at carrying RF power. Well, past the short, anyway. Mr. Transponder no likey. :)

Gotta keep your Zout and your Rload conjugate-matched or ATC says kind words like "Radar contact lost." ;) ;) ;)

It costs around $300 in labor to run a new coax cable to fix the above real world problem in a Skylane, as described in math -- in case anyone is wondering. About four hours. :)

Sorry. Geeked out there for a minute or two.
 
Police Monkeys.



A man walks into a pet store and is looking around when he spots a chimpanzee in a cage marked, "$1000". The man looks a little closer and discovers that the chimpanzee is wearing a tie and a hat and is twirling a set of handcuffs around his finger. Curious, the man summons the shopkeeper and asks him what the deal is with this thousand-dollar monkey. "Sir, You have discovered our Police Officer Monkeys. This one is our basic Patrol version. It's got a POST Basic certification; can fire 'Expert' with a Glock, Remington 870, or an AR15; knows the Penal Code and Traffic Code by heart and is up-to-date on Cultural Diversity and Active Shooter Response. Very good value for a thousand dollars!"

The man is suitably impressed and moves to the next cage, which is occupied by a gorilla -- also wearing a hat and tie, but is gnawing on a pen instead of the handcuffs. The price on this one is $5000. Shopkeeper exclaims, "Ah, sir! You have discovered the Sergeant model! This one has a POST Advanced certification, is capable of training any other monkeys in basic firearms skills, mechanics of arrest, physical training, investigation and small unit tactics! It can even type! Very good value for five thousand, sir!"

Impressed, the man moves to the next cage. Inside, he finds an orangutan, dressed in the same hat and tie as the others, but holding only a coffee cup. "What does this one do that he's worth $12,000?" asks the man. The shopkeeper clears his throat, "Ah, sir, well .... we've never actually seen him do anything except drink coffee and play with his dick, but he says he's a Lieutenant."
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A guy was walking down the street in Belfast when someone came up behind him and stuck a gun in his back.

The guy in back said, "What are you?"

The guy in front thought - aww, *&(*$. If I tell him I'm Protestant and he's Catholic, he'll shoot me. If I tell him I'm Catholic and he's Protestant, he'll shoot me.

So the guy thought about it and said, "I'm Jewish."

Then the guy in back said, "Wow! I'm the luckiest Arab in Ireland!!!"
 
denverpilot said:
The use of "i" in Ohm's Law is the reason for the letter swap in Electrical Engineering disciplines, since E=IR is core to EE.

...

And of course we radio geeks who use a lot of Ohm's Law
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Aw c'mon, if you used it that much you'd know it was V=IR. ;) ;)
 
I learned it as E in 1979.... Guess I'm not a newbie... But then I only took a course that dealt with electronics for one semester in grad school so promptly forgot most of the formulas and why I should care.....
 
Jeanie said:
I learned it as E in 1979.... Guess I'm not a newbie... But then I only took a course that dealt with electronics for one semester in grad school so promptly forgot most of the formulas and why I should care.....
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I learned it as E in 2004...
 
When I'm bored, I send a text to a random phone number saying, "I hid the body like you told me to. Now what?"
 
kimberlyanne546 said:
OMG I would be tempted to try this but how do you know the phone numbers are cell numbers?
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http://www.411.com/reverse_phone

Submit a number and it will tell you if it's a cellphone (try it with your own).

I think I'd send two texts, first would be "How did you get this number, it's a secure line at (insert city) FBI regional offices" Followed shortly with "Please ignore the previous message from this number".
 
Forgive me.....



At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink
penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners.The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

 
Haha. Good one John.

-----

When we get older we think different, don't we? This is a touching story just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principals office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens’ luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely, Ethel Jones
 
Ghery said:
I didn't know you worked at Intel. :D Only we call them ARs, for Action Required. Not much difference, however. :D
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No, but I used to work for a company which was in 120 countries. That was when I got that comic. I had it on my cubicle wall (due to all the meetings I was forced to attend and memos I was forced to write).
 
Written in 2000, and still just as relevant today as it was then. Thanks Kimberly. Shared that with some coworkers that needed to see it.
 
TangoWhiskey said:
Written in 2000, and still just as relevant today as it was then. Thanks Kimberly. Shared that with some coworkers that needed to see it.
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Yep remember it from the first time around, but it got forwarded again today too! Thanks Kimberly!
 
heroes
 

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A guy goes to a woman's house for the first time with the expectation of bumping uglies, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.


He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my husband's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I...uh..."


She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
 
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