Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

ROFL!
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I just had to share this email:
July 5, 2012.
Dear Friends,
Every now and then I get an idea that seems so good I can't believe I'm the first person to think of it. What usually happens is that I Google it, and discover that, sure enough, one or more (sometimes many) other people have already thought of it.
So I'm rushing this one to you, because it does (so far) appear that I may be the actual originator.
It's about Peter Higgs, the British physicist, who, as you've no doubt recently become well aware, was himself the originator of the concept of a particle now known as the HIGGS BOSON.
Mr. Higgs was once married, to an American Linguistics lecturer named Jody but, after he became somewhat famous, she divorced him, feeling that he was excessively absorbed in his career.
My contribution to this story is the thought that she didn't want to become known as the HIGGS BOSON'S MATE.
All the best,
Ashleigh Brilliant
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT, 117 W. Valerio St. Santa Barbara CA 93101 USA. Phone (805) 682-0531 Orders:(800) 952-3879, Code #77. Creator of POT-SHOTS, syndicated author of I MAY NOT BE TOTALLY PERFECT, BUT PARTS OF ME ARE EXCELLENT. 10,000 copyrighted BRILLIANT THOUGHTS available as cards, books etc.World's highest-paid writer (per word). Most-quoted author (per Reader's Digest.) Free daily Pot-Shot cartoon: www.ashleighbrilliant.com CATALOGS:[h&m included]. Starter $2. Complete Printed Text version: $75. Electronic Text-Only (emailed $25, on CD $30). Electronic Illustrated Catalog/Database (CD only) $105 (includes shipping anywhere). Details: www.ashleighbrilliant.com/IllustratedCatalog.html
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How can a blind man distinguish between a blonde and brunette that were caught
outside in the rain?

- The brunette's hair smells like wet hair
- The blonde's hair smells like H2O2
 
Math Class

INTRO . . .

Last week, I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2. As I was digging for my change, I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20 ..

5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2000s
If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers.

7. Teaching Math In 2012
Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?


​
 
Phone call to 911:

"Hi - two girls are fighting over me in my living room!"

"That doesn't sound bad, what's the problem?"

"The fat one is winning!"
 
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed'
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
 
There is only 1 place for the "Farmer's Car"
 

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I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod .

By the way, how was your day?

That's what happens when old people start using technology !
 
Coffee Hurts!

Coffee Hurts!

COFFEE HURTS

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with a

friend and his 6-year-old granddaughter.
She was pretty animated as she talked about
school and friends and teachers.

As I sipped my coffee, I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said, "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid. So, I asked, "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for her reply with something about Washington or

Lincoln, etc. She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps
out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have one more year

of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose…
 
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then She made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...
 
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Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.

I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!
 
A self-important college freshman walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the steps why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said loud enough for others to hear.
'
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. We have nuclear energy, ships, and cell phones, computers with light speed and so much more."

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows:

"You're right son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little sh*t, what are you doing for the next generation?"
 
Condoms do not necessarily provide totally safe sex. The news said the victim was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
 
Know what the single doe does after deer hunting season? Goes over to the elks club to blow a few bucks.
 
Three friends married women from different parts of the US: ​


The first man married a woman from Alabama. He told her to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. ​


The second man married a woman from New Jersey . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ​


The third man married a girl from California. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

​
 
"In a Bar"

A well-known Anti-Semite, walks into a bar and
is about to order a drink when he sees a guy
close by wearing a kippa. He doesn't have to be
an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly,
that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone
in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over
there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out,
he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and
waving to him and says ' Thank You ' in an
equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear.

This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice,
he once again orders drinks for everyone except
the Jew.

But as before, this does not seem to worry the
Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again
says, "Thank you."

So the guy asks the barman, "What's the hell is
the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two
rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except
for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to
smile and thank me in such a loud voice. Is he
nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns this place."
 
The wife left a note on the fridge.........



"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"



I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........



God only knows what she was talking about!!









​
 
So, for the third week in a row, Bill Clinton was outraged to find that someone peed the words "F you Bill" in the snow behind the White House. He was so angry that he ordered the Chief of the FBI to personally oversee the investigation.

Two weeks later the Chief of the FBI showed up at the White House with his entourage, and reported to Bill Clinton.

"Mr. President, we have the results of our investigation for you" said the Chief of the FBI.

"Okay, so who is it?" Clinton said.

"Well sir, we did a DNA analysis on the urine, and, it belongs to Jesse Jackson."

"Ah knew it, ah knew it, that son of a b***ch. Ah suspected it was him all along!"

"Uh, Mr. President, there's more...."

"Oh?"

"Well sir, we also did an analysis of the handwriting. It's Hillary's...."
 
Waaay too much travel this week. Five [5] encounters with the TSA. Long
lines. Take off your shoes. Take off your coat. Take off your hat. Take off
your belt. Take off your watch. Face me ... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I
*KNOW* the drill. Geez, Louise.

On the way home from the airport a few hours ago, I stopped at the grocery.
Yet another long line. The young girl at the register said, "Strip down, facing
me." Sadly; my mind was still at the airport.
 
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A truer summary, there never was! Obviously, the author of this piece has met every woman in my life!


 MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.


 
It was dark humor but most of us have heard worse. People today are easily offended.
 
denverpilot said:
It was dark humor but most of us have heard worse. People today are easily offended.
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Note that I didn't say I was offended, I just didn't get it or understand what was supposed to be funny! Kind of like the reaction a lot of people have to my jokes! :)
 
gprellwitz said:
Note that I didn't say I was offended, I just didn't get it or understand what was supposed to be funny! Kind of like the reaction a lot of people have to my jokes! :)
Click to expand...

Ahh, I definitely took the comment as "I'm offended", since someone offended these days also won't say they're offended, they'll play passive-agressive games and say "That's not funny" instead. LOL!

I bet the MC (who took it down) thought you were offended too. Or maybe they were. Or maybe we should all be offended at everything on the Internet, all the time. :) :) :)
 
The Aldi Doctor






The Aldi Doctor...
cid:1.269515119@web161905.mail.bf1.yahoo.com
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about It.

It takes ten seconds and costs five dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits $5 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits five euros, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.



























​
 
So a guy walks in to the doctors office for an exam. Doctor says "Before you leave, I will need a stool sample, urine sample, blood sample, and a semen sample."

Guy says "Got it covered, doc, I'll just leave you with my underwear!"
 
THE OSTRICH
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars
or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say..
"WELL, HELLO?"
 

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So this guy was walking by a man sitting at a table with a dog. On the ground was a sign reading "Talking dog for sale - real cheap!"

Curiosity got the best of him so he joined the man and the dog at the table. "So, you really have a talking dog huh."

The dog responded in perfect English: "I'll have you know that I have personally visited with the Dali Lama, led a climbing expedition up Mount Everest, and helped a team of researchers develop an effective cure for colon cancer, all within the last year."

"Wow! That's amazing" the guy said to the man. "He really does talk! How much do you want for him?"

"Oh, just gimmie twenty bucks" the man said.

"Why so cheap?"

"Oh that dog's full of crap. He's never done any of that!"
 
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