Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?



BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change ! The chicken wanted change !

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.



HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.



GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.



DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?



COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.



AL GORE: I invented the chicken.



AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.



DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.



OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.



ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.



NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.



PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.



MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.



DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.



ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.



GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.



BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.



ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.



BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.



ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?



COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.' Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
 
Things to do in an elevator:

26) While waiting for an elevator with people staring at you wearing motorcycle crash gear: Step into the elevator and look up through the crack in the ceiling at the door for a second. Say to yourself "yea, they're probably right." Then put your helmet on and say to whoever is staring "Elevator technician. Top floor please." And quietly mumble "If it'll make it this time." as you grab the handrails and brace yourself in the corner.
 
my wife sent me this one.

BBspeech.jpg
 
Probably a repeat, but funny nonetheless...

**Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:**

**1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.**

**2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.***** **

**3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a 'touch and go.'***

**4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.***

**5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.**

**6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.**

**7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.***

**
cool.gif
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.**

**9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've
flown before.**

**10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time****. **

**11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes. ****

**12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.***

**13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.**

**14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills*****.***

**15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.***

**16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's
usually not good.*
 
A man is walking homealone late one foggy Halloween night,when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.


FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.


With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


Bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,


(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)


The coffin stops
 
A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the secretary, I would like to join this damn church.'

The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'

'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.'

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that
the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?'

There is no damn problem, the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn
church to get rid of some of this damn money.'

'I see...' said the pastor. 'And is this ***** giving you a hard time?'
 
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"​
 
Two Jewish gentlemen, long-time friends, happened to meet, and one noticed that the other seemed depressed.

"What's wrong?" he asked

"There's terrible trouble in my family, " the first fellow said. "I sent my son to Israel so that he would come home a better Jew and believe it or not, he came home a Christian."

"It's funny that you should mention that," said the second man. "Exactly the same thing happened to me. I sent my son to Israel so that he'd become a better Jew, and he too, came home a Christian."

They both decided to seek the advice of their rabbi. They went and told their rabbi what had happened in their families.

"It's funny that you should mention that," said the rabbi, "because exactly the same thing happened in our family. I sent my only son to Israel in hope that he would become a better Jew, and, believe it not, he also came home a Christian."

At that, the three men fell to their knees, and with tears streaming down their faces, addressed God the Father Almighty directly. When each of them told the Lord their stories, they heard a voice from heaven reply:​

"It's funny that you should mention that . . ."​
 
One MEAN Pit Bull !

Mean Pit Bull
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long
black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a
leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like
this.

Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband
when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
women.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."
 
Passed along to me:

"Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ####?"

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing."

HR
 
Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'

Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'Magic Mirror' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Angelina Jolie eyes were all a-glitter as she cheerfully observed, 'And I now know for certain that I am the most gorgeous of them all!"

Brad Pitt lifted his chiseled, sad little face and said 'Will somebody please tell me who the HELL is Tango Whiskey?!' :rofl:
 
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."
 
No joke! I was just at a website that served up THIS ad from Google Ads... it was so blatantly wrong, I had to snag a copy of it. Whoever created it needs to get a VISUAL proofreader. Apparently, you can lose weight AND your race, at the same time!

loseweightANDrace.jpg
 
heard from outside the secret briefing,

" No Sh--, Nobody told it was that bad, I want a recount".

The economy is sooooo bad people are using the layaway plan at the dollar store.
 
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Frenchman from Maine were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.


The Frenchman from Maine fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'!!!

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Excuse me, Sir! Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group fell silent for a moment.


Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters Union in honor of these brave souls'!!

The Frenchman from Maine said, 'Why can't they play at night?
 
VERY FUNNY FOR US WHO REMEMBER
Hollywood
Squares:
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the
days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde:
If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver:
Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q.
True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel:
Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts:
That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie:
No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver:
My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price:
No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel:
I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie:
You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde:
Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver:
Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie:
Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde:
Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie:
Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen:
Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde:
Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde:
Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver:
It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde:
Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel:
Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde:
Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver:
I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver:
His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde:
Point and laugh!
 
Zen of sarcasm

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.


02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.


03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.


06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.


10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.


12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.


14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


AND



22.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 
Tksgvg joke

Got a seasonal joke today:

Subject: The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep, was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird said, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
 
Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.' She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'. 'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to get lost.
 
I haven't read them all, this might be a repeat, I just received it.

The boss had to fire somebody, so he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.


Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off .'


'Could you jack off?' she says......'I feel like crap.'


________________________________________________________


John


.
 
Lifesavers

icon1.gif
Lifesavers
[URL="http://www.slidewright.com/Misc/Humor/lifesavers.jpg"][/URL]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange................Orange
etc

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father. One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're a$$-holes!'
 
Why, Why, Why?

Why,
Why, Why?








Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are almost dead?







Why
do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already
know there is not enough money?







Why
does someone

believe
you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check
when you say the paint is still wet?






Why
doesn't Tarzan have a beard?






Why
does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?






Why
do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?






Whose
idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?







If
people evolved from apes,

why
are there still apes?






Why
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?






Is
there ever a day that mattresses are not on
sale?






Why
do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?







Why
do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then
put it down to give the vacuum one more
chance?






Why
is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
try?






How
do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?






When
we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's
all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That
really hurt, why don't you watch where you're
going?'






Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else
over?






In
winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?







How
come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Why,
if something is flammable it can burn then
why does something that is inflammable also burn?







And
my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of
every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental
illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay,
then it's you.


 
Red Marbles... (not necessarily a joke)

Copied from another site-


I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

'Hello Barry, how are you today?'

'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.'

'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'

'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'

'Good. Anything I can help you with?'

'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'

'Would you like to take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.

'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'

'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'

'All I got's my prize marble here.'

'Is that right? Let me see it...' said Miller.

'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'

'I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.

'Not zackley but almost..'

'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble,' Mr. Miller told the boy.

'Sure will. Thanks, Mr. Miller.'

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.'

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles. Several years went by, and while on a visit home I learned that Mr. Miller had died.

They were having his visitation that evening and I went. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort I could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

My turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt.'

'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho '


With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.


IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER, BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER THAT TELLS WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED.
 
Found this on the onion today....

[onion]70622[/onion]

Should work now
 
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An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.' The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you# the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
 
The Seattle Seahawks football practice was delayed nearly 2 hours this morning after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Head coach immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called in to investigae.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the substance, unknown to the players, was actually the goal line.

Practice was resumed this afternoon after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
 
From an e-mail from a colleage:
To
Undisclosed-recipients:;
cc
Subject
: Inspirational Phrases You Will Never Hear At Work...





1. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better
company someday.
3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget
cuts.
4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
killing all those who oppose them.
7. 2 days without a human rights violation.
8. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
9. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
10. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
13. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
14. Plagiarism saves time.
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
The Seattle Seahawks football practice was delayed nearly 2 hours this morning after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Head coach immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called in to investigae.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the substance, unknown to the players, was actually the goal line.

Practice was resumed this afternoon after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

They didn't today, that's for sure. :nonod:
 
From an e-mail from a colleage:
To
Undisclosed-recipients:;
cc
Subject
: Inspirational Phrases You Will Never Hear At Work...





1. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better
company someday.
3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget
cuts.
4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
killing all those who oppose them.
7. 2 days without a human rights violation.
8. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
9. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
10. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
13. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
14. Plagiarism saves time.
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If you like these, you owe it to yourself to go to www.despair.com! :D
 
Unit conversions:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
Bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

52 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

2 monograms = 1 diagram

4 nickels = 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at
Cornell University Hospital = 1 IV League

100 Senators = Not 1 decision
 
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