Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

A blonde who had lived in Buffalo all her life wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of Spot coffee, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF HSBC ARENA."
 
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on that planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, they pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow, and, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

St. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
 
Hey Guys ........... don't fall for this ...



The scam is on again. This same group was doing this a year or so ago. Read up. Be careful.


> Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot
> customers.
> Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
> Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
> Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
> Here's how the scam works:
>
> Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are
> packing your stuff into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield
> with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their
> skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
> When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead they
> ask you for a ride to Lowes . You agree and they get in the backseat.
> On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the
> front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals
> your wallet.
>
> I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
> 20th, 24th & 29th.
> Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three
> times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
>
> So tell your friends to be careful...
>
> P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.
 
Let'sgoflying! said:
Hey Guys ........... don't fall for this ...



The scam is on again. This same group was doing this a year or so ago. Read up. Be careful.


> Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot
> customers.
> Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
> Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
> Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
> Here's how the scam works:
>
> Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are
> packing your stuff into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield
> with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their
> skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
> When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead they
> ask you for a ride to Lowes . You agree and they get in the backseat.
> On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the
> front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals
> your wallet.
>
> I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
> 20th, 24th & 29th.
> Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three
> times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
>
> So tell your friends to be careful...
>
> P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.
Click to expand...
Nah, this is an old Internet wives tale. I checked Snopes on this.





They said that the sale was for a limited time and that wallets are now $3.99. Besides, it was at Ben Franklin's.:yes:
 
Cajun Hunting Trip

The Cajun Hunting Trip
Two Cajun hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six.

As Boudreaux and Thibodeaux start loading the plane for the return trip, the Pilot says 'The plane can only take four of those.' The two Cajuns object strongly. 'Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Boudreaux asks Thibodeaux, 'Any idea where we are?'

'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.' says Thibodeaux.
 
LSU Grad

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a Cajun were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The Accountant finished,zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands.... clear up to his elbows.... he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented,
"I graduated from Ohio University and they taught us to be clean".

The Lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Southern California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The Cajun zipped up and as he was walking out the door said,"I graduated from LSU and they taught us not to pee on our hands."
 
Don't make a bet with a Cajun

A Texan walked into the City Bar last weekend and started bragging that nobody could drink like Texans can and bet that if any of the Cajuns there could drink a whole case of beer in an hour or less he would pay them $100.00. No one took him up on his offer, and in fact Boudreaux got up and walked out.

A little while later Boudreaux came back inside and asked the Texan if his offer was still good. The Texan said that it was, and he would, in fact, even pay for the beer.

Boudreaux told the bartender to line em up, and made short order of the case of beer, finishing in well less than the hour.

The totally amazed Texan held up his part of the deal and paid the $100.00. But he was a little curious and asked Boudreaux, "By the way, when I made the offer, you left. Where did you go?"

Boudreaux answered him, "I went to the other bar across the street. I had to make sure I could do it."
 
Cajun Carpenters

Boudreaux an Thibodeaux were working on a house. Thibodeaux was nailing down siding and would reach in his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. Boudreaux kept watching and when he couldn't stand it no more he asked, "Why you throwing away those nails?"

Thibodeaux says, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointing toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointing toward the house, then I nail it in!"

Boudreaux got really upset an yelled, "You some kind of stupid! The nails pointed toward you ain't defective! They's for the other side of the house!"
 
Re: Cajun Carpenters

colomtnflyer said:
Boudreaux an Thibodeaux were working on a house. Thibodeaux was nailing down siding and would reach in his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. Boudreaux kept watching and when he couldn't stand it no more he asked, "Why you throwing away those nails?"

Thibodeaux says, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointing toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointing toward the house, then I nail it in!"

Boudreaux got really upset an yelled, "You some kind of stupid! The nails pointed toward you ain't defective! They's for the other side of the house!"
Click to expand...
Are Boudreaux and Thibodeaux blond?:goofy:
 
Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
 
No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!'

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'
 
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.


One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!
 
Internet Forum Lightbulb Maintenance...

How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.... __________________
 
Everskyward said:
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
Click to expand...

Now you just know somebody on this forum went and wrote a reminder in their calendar on February 8, 2009... just you wait and see.

By the way, did you notice today has 08/08/08 08:08:08?
 
TangoWhiskey said:
Now you just know somebody on this forum went and wrote a reminder in their calendar on February 8, 2009... just you wait and see.

By the way, did you notice today has 08/08/08 08:08:08?
Click to expand...
If you had posted this only five hours earlier? :)
 
One word or two?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

'Is that one word or two?'
 
US Marine to the rescue!

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
 
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What's on the menu?

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride across Nevada, walks into a roadside bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker,'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I sure am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.'
 
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Doctor in Dulut....

A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting so he approached his assistant.

"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and dun wanna close da clinic. I needjya ta take care of da clinic and take care da patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, how was tings today?"

Ole told him that he took care ov tree patients.

"Da first one had a gosh durn headache so I gave him summa dat der TYLENOL."

"Gud job, an da second one?" asks the doctor.

"Da second one had stomach burning sumpthin awful so I gave him MAALOX." says Ole.

"Sounds bout right! You're good at dis and what bout da terd one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sittin here an all ad vonce da door flung open an a woman comes. Like a flame, she begins at rippen her clothes off, everyting down ta nuthin dontcha know. Den she lies down on da table an shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!"

"Tunderin Lard Yeezus, Ole, whadya do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."
 
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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home .

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'
 
Dalut'? Well, yah shure, I been down ta' Dalut', don'cha know! 'Bout every summer we gots ta get down to Dalut' from Two Harbors to lay up on the groceries, don'cha know?
 
gkainz said:
Dalut'? Well, yah shure, I been down ta' Dalut', don'cha know! 'Bout every summer we gots ta get down to Dalut' from Two Harbors to lay up on the groceries, don'cha know?
Click to expand...

The first two places I went in Minnesota in the 60s. And you have to pick on them. :p
 
Geography Dumb-Oh-One

A Washington , DC , airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod is in Massachusetts! CapeTown is in Africa.' Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'(OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada ' I said, 'No.' She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask.' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!' After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?'

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'

10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola ,Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Fl. on a commuter plane. She said,'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said,'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' The reply 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'
 
Re: Geography Dumb-Oh-One

colomtnflyer said:
A Washington , DC , airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
Click to expand...

I spent half my junior year of high school (spring 1969) at Newton High School in Newtonville, MA.

1. My math teacher had been "out West to Ohio"

2. People thought we were still fighting Indians

3. A Bostonian's view of the world has Cape Cod sticking out about half way across the Atlantic

4. And if it didn't happen within about 20 miles of the Prudential Center, it wasn't important and didn't get reported in the news.

Talk about provincial. :D
 
The Italian Lover

Guido the Italian Lover

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there was passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked her again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,"No, I'm Norwegian."
 
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Final Wish....

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."

Next time you're last in line..........Be Happy!
ROTF.gif
 
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Little Katy comes home from school. Her mother asks what she learned in school that day. Katie replies that they learned where babies come from. Her mother asks, "well, where do babies come from?" Katie replies that daddy takes his private part and puts it in mommie's mouth, and 9 months later mommie gets a baby.

Her mother corrects her, saying "you got it wrong. Daddy takes his private part and puts it in mommie's private part. When daddy puts his private part in mommie's mouth, mommie gets jewelry.
 
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A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's d!ck off."

The man takes another look through the scope, hands back one of the bullets, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot."
 
New job search...

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, (putting me in the top 1% of all earners) and given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year, a pension plan that will pay my salary until the day I die, and a health plan that most people can only dream about.

Despite this, I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when I find it convenient, and will draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.
Oh yeah... if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back to my position with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.

Sincerely,


Every Senator or Congressman running for President.

----------------------------------------------------


Try that at your job and tell me how it works out.
 
very good! Did you make that up or find it somewhere?
 
Texas Hospitality

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, the woman at the front of the crowded line became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
 
A blond gal was out weed wacking and cut her cats tail off.
She took the cat and the tail to Wal Mart.
The gal at the store asked the Blonde why she brought it to Wal Mart?
The blonde said " Doh, you say you are the worlds largest retailer!"
 
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