Inheritance etiquette PSA

We just moved my mother-in-law to assisted living last week. She's 102. Fortunately, she doesn't have any money, so her nine kids have nothing to fight about. When my mom died, each of us five inherited about $8,000. Again, nothing to fight about.

I am soon to be 80, in good health. Not wealthy but bringing in more than we need to live on. Wisconsin has a marital property act, which allowed us to set up a trust, and spells out the distribution when we both are gone. Our two living children have copies and understand how it will work. Both are doing fine in their 50s, and we cannot imagine any arguments about our estate. They both have urged us to enjoy what we have and not worry about leaving anything. No idea if that will work out, but as I said, we are seeing our investments increase and with social security, pension, disability benefits, mandatory IRA distributions, and a bit of income from my flight instructing and some freelance work, we actually have more right now than ever before.

We need to sell the big house and get rid of all the crap accumulated over the years to make things easier for our kids.
 
Gilbert Buettner said:
We need to sell the big house and get rid of all the crap accumulated over the years to make things easier for our kids.
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May I suggest that you don't just get rid of stuff without letting the kids have an opportunity to grab stuff that could have sentimental value to them, even if you don't realize it.

Yes, there can be a LOT of stuff, but, me and my sisters still have a lot of stuff that belonged to our parents.... stuff that other people might think it silly to hang onto. Not just various knickknacks, but even things like a light that was hanging over our kitchen table. Boxes of papers (e.g., receipts from the hospital when each of us was born).
 
Bob Noel said:
May I suggest that you don't just get rid of stuff without letting the kids have an opportunity to grab stuff that could have sentimental value to them, even if you don't realize it.

Yes, there can be a LOT of stuff, but, me and my sisters still have a lot of stuff that belonged to our parents.... stuff that other people might think it silly to hang onto. Not just various knickknacks, but even things like a light that was hanging over our kitchen table. Boxes of papers (e.g., receipts from the hospital when each of us was born).
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^^^^ This. I asked my parents to keep all the "stuff" they have. Some of it may even be of value e.g. coin collections, some art pieces, etc. but most likely not. My sister is into art, I know she would probably enjoy keeping some of those pieces. My wife is into coins so I know she would enjoy learning about my dad's coin collection. I would enjoy learning more about their history and backgrounds before I arrived and all the "stuff" they have probably tells the story. None of it probably has any life changing value and even if, I wouldn't sell it but it's sentimental.
 
Gilbert Buettner said:
We just moved my mother-in-law to assisted living last week. She's 102. Fortunately, she doesn't have any money, so her nine kids have nothing to fight about. When my mom died, each of us five inherited about $8,000. Again, nothing to fight about.
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We moved my mother-in-law into "the home" in her 80s. She had some LTC coverage and the rest of her "retirement" and still ended up on medicaid. We thought we'd have a pretty much null (or perhaps negative) estate, but right before she passed, an aquaintance she showed kindness to 50 year earlier or so, suddenly left her $80,000. Final expenses pretty much chewed that up, but my wife and her sisters ended up with a tiny payout.
 
Bob Noel said:
May I suggest that you don't just get rid of stuff without letting the kids have an opportunity to grab stuff that could have sentimental value to them, even if you don't realize it.
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as my mom downsizes she emails pictures to all the kids/grandkids. “This stuff is going to garage sale/donation/whatever. If you want anything, let me know.”

She missed one email, and ended up buying something back from the thrift store for my niece. :lol:
 
My folks have notes taped on their stuff with who gets it next. The first time they downsized they happened to know someone who knew someone that was in a tough situation and needed household items. She got first pick of everything and got the dining room set, dishes, and lots of other furniture. Other items went to something like Goodwill, and we took things with our names on them. They were left with bedroom furniture, a couch and chair, a desk, and few other necessities and sentimental items. The next time they downsize I’m sure that process will repeat on a smaller scale.
 
Bob Noel said:
May I suggest that you don't just get rid of stuff without letting the kids have an opportunity to grab stuff that could have sentimental value to them, even if you don't realize it.

Yes, there can be a LOT of stuff, but, me and my sisters still have a lot of stuff that belonged to our parents.... stuff that other people might think it silly to hang onto. Not just various knickknacks, but even things like a light that was hanging over our kitchen table. Boxes of papers (e.g., receipts from the hospital when each of us was born).
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^This.

There may be things that seem meaningless to you, but your children may have some sentimental attachment to it.

For me, it was my father's boat. It isn't anything too special, not terribly valuable, but dad bought it new the year before I was born, and I was practically raised on it every weekend. When dad got old enough he couldn't use it anymore, he was just going to clean it up and sell it. He was shocked when I offered to buy it from him, as he only saw it as his hobby and his toy, not something anyone else in the family would place any value on.
 
Another vote for letting the descendants in on the decision of what to unload. When my grandmother died, my dad basically took her apartment to good will because he doesn't care about 'stuff'. I was really disappointed he did that because, while there was nothing of economic value, my grandparents worked abroad for a big part of their lives and accumulated stuff from a few different countries that I would have liked to cherry pick and see around my own house.
 
My father moved from a large house in DC to a two bedroom suite in my sister's mansion. We were all offered stuff. My sister took my mom's grandfather clock, but there was not anything else we tremendously wanted. I got some pictures (my grandfather in his Fire Chief's unform) but that's about it.

I got more from my in-laws. We had received a gift of my father-in-law's early QSL cards from the early days of radio. This was interesting enough in its own, but if ound that they were framed using for backer board the original artwork that I recognized as a WWII-era Radio Electronics magazine cover (Fred was managing editor working along with Hugo Gernsback and my mother-in-law). When we cleaned out the house, I tell the sisters that we need to check the other framed posters and I found several more copies. Being the one non-blood relative that put out in the cleanup, the sisters let me have all of them.

The other item I got was her 4x5 view camera. This device traumatized the sisters when they were little (mom wouldn't let them open their presents until she took a group photo, which took significant time setting up the lights and all with this archaic thing). One sister said even the sight of the case makes her break out.
 
I am thrilled to have many of my grandfather's tools. He was a carpenter and builder and I still use many of them today in my own projects. I have many more of my Dad's (though I was well enough equipped my sons got more of his than I did). I've got some of my mom's kitchen things and a few of her mom's as well. These things mean more to me than any money I got.

I will say, whatever you decide to do, communicate it clearly. My MIL wrote one of my wife's brothers out of the will because he had gotten a great deal of money from them on multiple occasions and their view was "He's gotten his." But she declined to tell him. The attorney that set up her will urged her to write a letter-even offered to write it himself for her to sign and she refused. So after she died, he was expecting a decent payout (~$150K or so) but got nothing. He has not spoken to my wife or his other brother since. His last words to my wife (almost 20 years ago now) were "Go to h3ll." He's convinced to this day that we somehow influenced her to do it.

Money influences people to behave differently. You might argue that it removes inhibitions, and they were really like that anyway, but still, it changes things.
 
172andyou said:
Another vote for letting the descendants in on the decision of what to unload.
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Yes, agreed. My grandfather was chief engineer for 50 years at the Rockwell plant that made Delta power tools. When he retired, they gave him a complete workshop. Table saw, radial arm saw, band saw, drill press, lathe, etc. All industrial grade, each with a data plate that had his name engraved.

My dad never used it. I made it clear I wanted it very badly, but did not currently have the space. He agreed to hold it for me, since he had tons of room. I was dismayed to visit and find he had donated everything but the table saw to a prison charity.
 
Ed Haywood said:
My dad never used it. I made it clear I wanted it very badly, but did not currently have the space. He agreed to hold it for me, since he had tons of room. I was dismayed to visit and find he had donated everything but the table saw to a prison charity.
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For me that would almost be worse. Not only would I not have the legacy from dad, but I would also feel petty for wanting it when it was out there actually being useful to help someone recover a life.
 
My experience on stuff going to kids is kind of the opposite. I'm the only child of only children, so a lot of stuff came my way. Little of it has sentimental value and my kids really don't want it. The hard part is my mother always let me know this or that particular piece of furniture was valuable. Antique furniture today is mostly worthless, unless its a very special builder. Same with Oriental rugs. Hate to just toss it, but it's almost impossible to sell. I'd love to get down to a minimalist state and will definitely do that if my health gets shaky. I don't want to burden my kids with dealing with tons of stuff. I have done the tag stuff you want exercise. Very little is tagged.
 
jsstevens said:
I am thrilled to have many of my grandfather's tools.
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I have just a couple of tools from each…one of them is a drawknife that I can remember my grandpa using only once…in fact, I used to wonder how he remembered that he had it. ;) but it’s still got grinder marks from him sharpening it for that use. I’ve got it razor sharp-ish, but he dig pretty deep with the bench grinder in places. That memory is the value for me.
 
Hang 4 said:
My experience on stuff going to kids is kind of the opposite. I'm the only child of only children, so a lot of stuff came my way. Little of it has sentimental value and my kids really don't want it. The hard part is my mother always let me know this or that particular piece of furniture was valuable. Antique furniture today is mostly worthless, unless its a very special builder. Same with Oriental rugs. Hate to just toss it, but it's almost impossible to sell. I'd love to get down to a minimalist state and will definitely do that if my health gets shaky. I don't want to burden my kids with dealing with tons of stuff. I have done the tag stuff you want exercise. Very little is tagged.
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Yeah, facing that a lot. My wife inherited a lot of china and Fenton glassware, and it's almost impossible to get rid of. No market anymore. A lot of the china is her grandmother's, but it's all hoity-toidy delicate and worthless for daily use. Goodwill's not even taking it, anymore.

One of the things her mother collected was those stupid old glass chicken candy bowls...
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My wife and her sister inherited about forty of these, all different. Absolutely no interest in them, anymore.

They inherited this stuff right about the time I was getting ready to retire. I contemplated sneaking chickens onto the desks of my co-workers just before I left. But the wife still had hopes of finding buyers.

We just moved into a new house, and the wife wants to replace all our old furniture to match the house's style. Yet, what do you do with the old stuff, most of which is in reasonable shape? Most places won't take upholstered furniture.

Onto the original topic, when my parents decided to move out of their house into independent living, they got rid of most of their stuff. My brother and I had the opportunity to take what we wanted, but neither of us was interested. One item of my great-grandfather interested me, but how do you get a 100-pound antique anvil into your carry-on bag?

In contrast, my wife's parents blew it off...until major health problems arose. Then we and my wife's sister's family were left with trying to dispose of the house contents when they went to assisted living.

Ron Wanttaja
 
Matthew said:
Estate sales are another way to get rid of things.
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My aunt had an estate sale for her aunt’s stuff…this was in the early 2000s and she had been in the house for over 50 years. The sale started at 0800, but people were milling around by 0630 to be first in the door. A couple of them couldn’t even wait until the garage door was halfway open to duck in and start grabbing stuff.

Apparently being in the house that long means unadulterated antiques. ;)
 
wanttaja said:
Yeah, facing that a lot. My wife inherited a lot of china and Fenton glassware, and it's almost impossible to get rid of. No market anymore. A lot of the china is her grandmother's, but it's all hoity-toidy delicate and worthless for daily use. Goodwill's not even taking it, anymore.
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My wife ended up with her great-grandmother’s china, bought off the first ship that came up the St Lawrence to Detroit. She eventually decided she didn’t want to keep it, since she didn’t use it, but ended up keeping one full place setting for house decor, and her brother and cousins thought that was a good idea, so it got parted out to family that way.
 
Matthew said:
Estate sales are another way to get rid of things.
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I had a girlfriend for a while whose mother was always buying things at estate sales. Girlfriend lamented as to what she was going to do with all this when her mother dies. I told her to have an estate sale.
 
MauleSkinner said:
My wife ended up with her great-grandmother’s china, bought off the first ship that came up the St Lawrence to Detroit. She eventually decided she didn’t want to keep it, since she didn’t use it, but ended up keeping one full place setting for house decor, and her brother and cousins thought that was a good idea, so it got parted out to family that way.
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My wife doesn't know what to do with all the old china. I made a suggestion, but she didn't like that the word, "Pull!" was part of the solution.....

Ron Wanttaja
 
wanttaja said:
My wife and her sister inherited about forty of these, all different. Absolutely no interest in them, anymore.

They inherited this stuff right about the time I was getting ready to retire. I contemplated sneaking chickens onto the desks of my co-workers just before I left. But the wife still had hopes of finding buyers.
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My mom collected figurines of angels. When she passed, my sister and I took a couple that we wanted, then we used the rest for table centerpieces at mom's funeral luncheon. At the end, we invited the guests to take home their centerpieces. I think that worked nicely, giving everyone a momento, placing mom's angels with friends and family that loved her, and saving us from hauling the collection to a thrift shop.

OTOH, SWMBO and I now have an enormous collection of Hummels that we inherited from our mothers.
 
The item that drives me crazy is pictures. I somehow managed to get all of the pictures from both sides of the family. We have some nice old albums you know the kind with the little paper corners to hold the pictures. Except nobody ever labeled them. The only person still alive who has been around long enough is my 80+ year old aunt and she has been blind since birth.

My fellow GenXers can sympathize with this every photo has about 6 duplicates. Back in the day with film you wanted to make sure a picture came out so you took 3 pictures of everything. Then paid for the double prints because it was only a dollar or two more.

I have thought about scanning them in but then I think my kids aren't going to want these any more than I do. Probably going to take a few representative pics and scan them and then get rid of most of them.

I do have a lot of video I need to convert as well. I could see the kids watching old videos. I know my wife likes watching old home movies. I am not a huge fan because they remind me of how old I am getting and how time marches onward. I miss so many of the people in them.
 
Wife and I come from very small families...we inherited lots of stuff. A house brimming and overflowing. Starting to think pictures of the stuff (and more importantly our loved ones) are the way to go. YMMV.

 
flyingron said:
...ended up on medicaid...suddenly left her 80,000...ended up with a tiny payout.
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I guess your Mom was not in a Medicaid/state funded nursing home.

Let this be a lesson about the importance of wills. My sister died without a will. Then my dad died. Then my sister's husband died also without a will so his mom, in state run nursing home, got his inheritance. The state ended up with the money that should have gone to my nephews.
 
Before Dad died, he made it clear that "everything in his workshop is Dana's." So now I have all his tools, boxes of hardware, and R/C models, in addition to my own. So now he's still a constant presence in my workshop, every time I pick up one of his tools.
 
Half Fast said:
OTOH, SWMBO and I now have an enormous collection of Hummels that we inherited from our mothers.
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My Mom has a huge display cabinet full of Hummels. I don't think anyone wants them, but I could be wrong.
 
wanttaja said:
One of the things her mother collected was those stupid old glass chicken candy bowls...
View attachment 143448
My wife and her sister inherited about forty of these, all different. Absolutely no interest in them, anymore.
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When I was a kid, one of my great-grandmothers had quite a few of these glass chickens. Some clear, some pink, some amber, some a pale cobalt. Grocery stores gave them and (depression) glass plates away to entice customers back in the 30s and 40s. Grandma would poach eggs in an equally ancient aluminum pot with egg cups and serve them to me, my siblings, and cousins in the glass chickens. Thanks for the memory.
 
Mahneuvers said:
I guess your Mom was not in a Medicaid/state funded nursing home.

Let this be a lesson about the importance of wills. My sister died without a will. Then my dad died. Then my sister's husband died also without a will so his mom, in state run nursing home, got his inheritance. The state ended up with the money that should have gone to my nephews.
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We were extremely lucky to get my m-i-l to sign the package of will, advance medical directive, durable and medical POAs etc... during one of her more lucid periods prior to putting her in the home.
 
wanttaja said:
Mythbusters proved that wouldn't work. They set up a mock china shop in a coralle and turned a bull loose. He was pretty good at threading his way between the shelves......
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We inherited my M-I-L's hideous (to us) china while she was still alive. We used it to serve her a holiday dinner before she was too far gone, but I don't think she recognized it. After she passed (and nobody else in the family wanted it), we gave it to our housekeeper who was overjoyed to have it.
 
kyleb said:
There is a doozy coming in my family. Probably the most valuable piece of undeveloped land around is owned by my aunt who inherited it by marriage. She's always been a hard nosed penny pincher, which was amusing at first, then became a mental illness. However, it has led to a substantial nest egg. Anyway, she has a daughter who stuffed a previous inheritance up her nose, and is hovering over her mom in hopes she can get a bigger piece of the estate. With two other siblings, its gonna be a donnybrook.

In the extended family, I've always been the go-to person to handle estates because I appear to be trustworthy and not a chisler, cheat, or money grubber. But I wouldn't touch my aunt's estate for all the tea in China. Whoever is the executor of that one is gonna be miserable, regardless of the executor's fee.
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Kudos for the use of "donnybrook", lol. I had never heard of it until I watched an episode of Letterkenny and had to look it up!
 
My father just retired and my mother is following shortly. They are in the process of downsizing their home (while upsizing the amount of land) and have been pretty frugal through most of their lives. I only have one younger sibling, so there's not many people to fight with over whatever may remain of their estate. I have told them that I hope they spend every last dime they have. The only item in their possession which I lay claim to is an old jade green Hamilton Beach 3-spindle malt mixer which used to be in my grandfathers' pharmacy/soda shop back in the 50s/60s. Still runs like new, lol. They have 4 full sets of china which my sister and I have zero interest in. There's going to be a glut of china on the estate/garage sale market in the coming decades as Gen X/Gen Y try to offload it since no one uses it anymore. Same with all of the little crystal/glass tchotchkes that people used to value. My father has a large shop full of tools that are mostly duplicates of what I own, so that stuff can be used to build tool sets for my daughter/son or my nephews. I echo that I hope their last check bounces, my sister and I (and our families) are fine.
 
SoonerAviator said:
The only item in their possession which I lay claim to is an old jade green Hamilton Beach 3-spindle malt mixer which used to be in my grandfathers' pharmacy/soda shop back in the 50s/60s. Still runs like new, lol.
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Love this one. My wife is a grandniece from the Heath candy family. Which means nothing in terms of money, but it's a fun connection to talk about. We have a copper pot that had been used in olden times to make heath bars. We put a glass top on it and turned it into a coffee table. Probably only worth the metal value of the copper to anyone else, but we like it!
 
rwellner98 said:
Love this one. My wife is a grandniece from the Heath candy family. Which means nothing in terms of money, but it's a fun connection to talk about. We have a copper pot that had been used in olden times to make heath bars. We put a glass top on it and turned it into a coffee table. Probably only worth the metal value of the copper to anyone else, but we like it!
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I used to make chocolate malts all the time in high school with their malt mixer. They never use it. It currently sits in an upstairs living room bar area and is mostly ornamental at this point. They seem to be worth $500-$1,000, but I wouldn't ever sell it. Just a small piece of functional family history.

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