Inheritance etiquette PSA

My story: my dad was going to leave his estate to his nine grandchildren, figuring that us 4 kids were all set. But my brothers and sister had a fit over that, as four of the 9 grandchildren are mine, so “I” was getting more. He ended up willing it to the 4 kids. Whatever.
 
eman1200 said:
I've told my parents several times, I don't want their money. unfortunately I feel like they're starting to believe me. I need to stfu.
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When my parents were alive, I encouraged them to enjoy their money, spent it on travel or whatever they'd like to do. They didn't listen, they bequeathed it to me. And I've been determined to save all of it to the extent possible, and spend only what I absolutely need to, and never on frivolous things. I think I've done that - in particular, I bought my plane with my own money, not theirs. But I've always been a little saddened that they didn't take my advice.
 
Iflydogs said:
My story: my dad was going to leave his estate to his nine grandchildren, figuring that us 4 kids were all set. But my brothers and sister had a fit over that, as four of the 9 grandchildren are mine, so “I” was getting more. He ended up willing it to the 4 kids. Whatever.
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That’s the one thing I’ve seen in my family…I find it to be an interesting perspective, especially considering that “I” would end up with less than the brother who was making the argument. Although he did try to draw me in on his side.

I think his ultimate goal was to start divvying things up now, while my mom is still alive, so it really want about the way it’s going to the kids of our generation.
 
EdFred said:
I've told my mom and dad to spend their money on themselves. But they keep refusing the rock-climbing, shark-diving, and running with the bulls adventures I have offered to pay for over the past couple years. Can't figure that out.
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My mom’s investment guy told my mom that it would be easiest for everyone if she passed away in the next year. She feigned taking appropriate offense.
 
My wife wisely suggested I start allotments for bonds specifically for my four grandchildren's college education, beginning when each was born. Happy to say three of them have master's degrees now. The other one dropped out, but he has a financial incentive to re-enroll at some future time because our gift has strings attached.
 
ArrowFlyer86 said:
If your kids are ever fighting with you about what money they deserve as an inheritance, or what the split should be with siblings/step siblings/etc, you should give them zero.

Zip, zilch, zero.
Absolutely nothing. Not a dollar.

Leave them a letter about the lifetime of responsibility it took to acquire what you have while raising them as a parent. Remind them the decision of how to spend (or not spend) that is entirely up to you. And that someday they'll understand that. The financial legacy you choose to leave behind (or not leave) is YOUR choice.

I say this because I have an elderly close relative in poor health whose conversations with their son have taken a really awful turn and it's messed up stuff. It doesn't impact me financially, instead just seeing his dad in bad health and his relationship with his own child failing all because his kid thought he could use his dad's assets to fund his own lifestyle.

If you ever find yourself in that situation, don't cave to them. The best lasting gift you can give them is not money, it's wisdom and perspective.
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While I tend to agree generally, I have seen where the adult kids have had to coach their parents on how to avoid heatache. In two cases, I know that the well meaning older person was being very unbalanced in what they were giving during life to their 3 kids and the three of them got together and said they needed to be equal. Mom got the message and now she is even handed and it has made everything MUCH better.
 
MIFlyer said:
… I know that the well meaning older person was being very unbalanced in what they were giving during life to their 3 kids and the three of them got together and said they needed to be equal. Mom got the message and now she is even handed and it has made everything MUCH better.
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Interesting. We haven’t crossed that bridge, but did have to have a conversation with one who felt they weren’t being helped enough.

Though we agreed to disagree, the core of it came down to perception. One did not use all the 529 money due to scholarship and graduated debt free; the other lost a scholarship, burned through their 529 and the leftovers from the other 529, and took on student loans and felt they should be able to graduate debt free, too.

That would have provided equal outcomes in one sense, but a $40K delta between the two in another.

Life & lifestyle choices drove the extra time in school despite both starting simultaneously and eventually both having BAs and full and gainful employment in their chosen professions.
 
TCABM said:
Interesting. We haven’t crossed that bridge, but did have to have a conversation with one who felt they weren’t being helped enough.

Though we agreed to disagree, the core of it came down to perception. One did not use all the 529 money due to scholarship and graduated debt free; the other lost a scholarship, burned through their 529 and the leftovers from the other 529, and took on student loans and felt they should be able to graduate debt free, too.

That would have provided equal outcomes in one sense, but a $40K delta between the two in another.

Life & lifestyle choices drove the extra time in school despite both starting simultaneously and eventually both having BAs and full and gainful employment in their chosen professions.
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Yeah, that sounds like a difference between providing equal financial opportunity versus guaranteeing equal financial outcomes.

I imagine you don't want to be in the business of giving equal outcomes, otherwise one doesn't have much of an incentive to make the most of their opportunity...
 
I am about to inherit a 300 million dollar trust fund. To qualify for the inheritance I must spend $30 million in 30 days under a complicated set of rules that forbid me from donating too much to charity or retaining any new assets when the period is up.

Oh wait, that was a movie I saw once...

But seriously, I have only seen my sister once in the last 29 years. As a teenager she fell into the anti-American, anti-constitution pro-communist crowd. She blames everyone (including me) for her problems and claims I was the ''golden child'' in the family. If she really wants to see the person responsible for her problems all she needs to do is look in a mirror.

My mom has strict instructions in her will on what my sister will and will not get. Basically she only gets a small lump sum of cash. The will states that if she wants to contest the will she has to use her own money, not inherited money. All the major items are already in my name as the owner of.

The way it is going my mom might outlive my sister and me...
 
Zeldman said:
...Basically she only gets a small lump sum of cash. The will states that if she wants to contest the will she has to use her own money, not inherited money...
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My parents gave a sibling a small lump of cash while they were still alive. To get the cash, my sibling had to sign a contract/document he would not contest the will/estate where he was excluded.
 
Zeldman said:
I am about to inherit a 300 million dollar trust fund. To qualify for the inheritance I must spend $30 million in 30 days under a complicated set of rules that forbid me from donating too much to charity or retaining any new assets when the period is up.
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It's too easy these days anyway. Just open multiple cloud storage accounts and have them all move data to each other.
 
My parents are getting up there in age. I keep telling them to spend their money. Enjoy life. Visit me in Texas (my dad would never go on a transatlantic flight though lol), downsize their home and live where they want to live. They don't listen. They still treat me like I'm a poor college student wanting to send me money and chocolate. I always decline. I'm now in my mid 30s - bought the plane with my money, mortgage payments is my money, car was bought with my money - they know it but ignore it. I probably earn more now than my dad ever earned even at the height of his career. But, they've always been frugal, saved all their lives, tried not to live too large - it's probably hard to give up that habit after having followed it for nearly 70 years. My siblings live close to my parents. We don't talk about money but I don't think they're doing as well as me. I hope they take my "share" of whatever my parents want to "give to the kids" every now and then but knowing them, they probably also decline, my parents stack it somewhere and when they're gone, I find out there is an account with all the money I always declined to take from them over the years.
 
My sisters and I were fairly successful (computer company exec, big time attorney, geneticist married to a neonatoligist) so we never really needed or expected anything from our parents (they had put us all through school which we were grateful for and helped us out over the years). My brother on the other hand is a school teacher (married to another teacher) with three kids from two marriages. When my dad passed, we were surprised with a pretty big inheritance. It's life changing for him, but I don't think it changed much other than assurance that the kids will get their fullest education.

My daughter could make nickels cry. I was prepared to pay her way thorugh college, but she only took me up on the first two years. She had a full ride for the junior and senior years and all of grad school. She did let us pay for her wedding and her first car. We're socking away funds for her sons' education. When she got a junker car from another family member as a teen, I figured she better have a credit card "in case." I foolishly just signed for one on my credit and it came with a $25,000 credit limit. She never abused it. In fact in all the years she had it, I only saw a handful of charges. She'll probably get a good slug of cash when we pass, but hopefully that won't be for a while.
 
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wanttaja said:
Not a lawyer, but I've heard you should NEVER leave a close relative out of your will. Bequeath them a small amount ($1). Makes it harder for them to claim you were mentally unfit because you "forgot" to mention them.

Ron Wanttaja
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Yeah I believe some states you can get the will cancelled and go with the standard distribution ratio that the state sets. And most people I know have contested a will, involved lawyers, and it got messy.

If you’re in your 60s and have excess cash, start paying off some of your kids mortgages or something that will benefit them for some time. That way you know where the money actually went. Having no mortgage is a true sense of freedom, no one should have to worry about bills every month.
 
ArrowFlyer86 said:
If your kids are ever fighting with you about what money they deserve as an inheritance, or what the split should be with siblings/step siblings/etc, you should give them zero.

Zip, zilch, zero.
Absolutely nothing. Not a dollar.

Leave them a letter about the lifetime of responsibility it took to acquire what you have while raising them as a parent. Remind them the decision of how to spend (or not spend) that is entirely up to you. And that someday they'll understand that. The financial legacy you choose to leave behind (or not leave) is YOUR choice.

I say this because I have an elderly close relative in poor health whose conversations with their son have taken a really awful turn and it's messed up stuff. It doesn't impact me financially, instead just seeing his dad in bad health and his relationship with his own child failing all because his kid thought he could use his dad's assets to fund his own lifestyle.

If you ever find yourself in that situation, don't cave to them. The best lasting gift you can give them is not money, it's wisdom and perspective.
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No problem, I am going to die of a heart attack walking back from the mail box with a bank statement indicating I am out of money.
 
DFH65 said:
These are designed to remove you from your money. I tell my friends all the time take care of your parents if you can.

I don't plan to live like a pauper when I retire just so my kids get wind fall but I also don't plan on living much different than I do now. If we spend it all, so be it. If not, I am happy for my kids to get something when we go. I suspect my wife although a few years older will outlive me by a bit.
Having said all that, generational wealth can be a game changer. Says the man with two kids 32 and 28 not married yet). :rolleyes:
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My wife and I bought a bigger house so our parents can live with us when they are no longer independent. Not a fan of any of the properties I’ve toured.
 
Tarheelpilot said:
My wife and I bought a bigger house so our parents can live with us when they are no longer independent. Not a fan of any of the properties I’ve toured.
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That's our plan with the Tennessee build. Extend the hangar 12 feet on one end and attach a 1 bedroom apartment that's about 700sf. They will be close, we will both have our privacy.
 
I think this is ingrained in people with kids. My father in law asked me to come to his office last month to fix a printer. I got there and said where's the printer? There was no printer. He sat me down and gave me all the bank account info, passwords to all of his financial investments, codes to his safe, etc. I got sad and asked if he knew something? Are you sick? "No but I am 83 and I am not stupid". My parent's are similar. I have told them for years, spend it. My sister and I are fine. But they sat us down and went over where everything is. As much as I want to shake them and say go spend it on you, my next thought is I am going to stockpile all of this so I can give it to my kids. I think every generation wants to make sure the next round has what they need.
 
My mom showed me all of her info when I was there…I took pictures of the file locations and sent them to my brothers.

My wife built a 3-ring binder with all of our info so the kids could find it if necessary.

Inheritance aside, it’s good to not make the heirs hunt for stuff to close out your life. Quite honestly, my wife and I are probably going to have to spend a couple of months figuring out all of her dad’s stuff when he passes.
 
EdFred said:
That's our plan with the Tennessee build. Extend the hangar 12 feet on one end and attach a 1 bedroom apartment that's about 700sf. They will be close, we will both have our privacy.
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That's actually my plan with the garage apartment I'm currently working on. It's roughly 750 SQ ft. Mom is 65 and still running marathons. When the stairs become an issue I'll move her into my 1,000 SQ ft house after I build a bigger one.

Got a unique property with 2 houses and detached garage on 5 acres.
 
eman1200 said:
which used to be an honorable thing. now those losers vilify it.
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I wouldn't call it "vilifying" it. I truly think that they deserve to spend more on them and enjoy life while they can. They're relatively healthy still, kids are doing fine and they always cut back on the things they wanted. Different story if the kids are struggling I guess but if they aren't, I truly think they should live life a little while they can and do the things they always wanted to do. At least for my dad, I know the things he always wanted to do and never did because of us kids - well, he ain't gotta feed us anymore so he should go for it. Buy his dream car, get his condo by the sea, etc. He has the money and he's still healthy enough to enjoy those things.
 
Chrisgoesflying said:
I wouldn't call it "vilifying" it. I truly think that they deserve to spend more on them and enjoy life while they can. They're relatively healthy still, kids are doing fine and they always cut back on the things they wanted. Different story if the kids are struggling I guess but if they aren't, I truly think they should live life a little while they can and do the things they always wanted to do. At least for my dad, I know the things he always wanted to do and never did because of us kids - well, he ain't gotta feed us anymore so he should go for it. Buy his dream car, get his condo by the sea, etc. He has the money and he's still healthy enough to enjoy those things.
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not sure if you understood what I was talking about.
 
If my kids are bickering about "their inheritance" before I'm in the ground, then I'm a dumbass who just brought a couple more dumbasses into the world. I've perpetuated the problem and will take that knowledge straight to hell when I die. Screw the money, generational wealth is about much much more than a bank account.
 
Zeldman said:
As a teenager she fell into the anti-American, anti-constitution pro-communist crowd. She blames everyone (including me) for her problems and claims I was the ''golden child'' in the family. If she really wants to see the person responsible for her problems all she needs to do is look in a mirror.
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Wow....I didn't know I had another brother. My parents never mentioned you. LOL
 
MauleSkinner said:
I would also note that there are limits to taking care of your elders, whether it’s their condition, the caregiver’s ability, or some combination thereof. Sometimes it’s better to have professional help.
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I agree 100% I have several friends with parents with dementia and Alzheimer's to the point it would be literally impossible to care for them in the home.
 
DFH65 said:
I agree 100% I have several friends with parents with dementia and Alzheimer's to the point it would be literally impossible to care for them in the home.
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That's one of the reason we're hoping to have enough that we can have a live in caretaker if either or both of us get to that point. Bring the professional to you.
 
MauleSkinner said:
agreed…a modest inheritance when my grandparents passed paid down a chunk of my house, ultimately allowing me to divert income elsewhere a few years later, allowing me to move toward retirement now. I should be able to give my kids/grandkids a similar opportunity.
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I have a similar story.

My grandmother never had a lot, she was a child of the depression. Always carried a $100 bill in her wallet because hey, you never know. The depression taught her and and she taught me you always save something from what you make.

They were never wealthy although they did have a small cottage on a nearby lake. She worked at Agway just down the road from her house because she didn't drive and my Grandpa was a welder. After Grandpa died (she really came out of her shell but that is whole other story).

Back in the day when CDs were a thing she would keep putting a little away and just keep rolling them over. When I was in college every once in a while I would get a check and the memo would say, "just because". Man I miss her. When she died (of cancer please don't smoke) she left half of what she had to my Mom and the other half went to the three grandchildren. I don't think my parents were thrilled with that arrangement but it was her money to do with as she pleased. It was enough for a decent down payment on our first home and allowed us to forego the PMI insurance. It really set us up for future success.
 
I am dreading dealing with this when my parents pass. I am the listed executor, and I know at least one or more of my siblings are probably counting their chickens. They will be looking to snag whatever money or possessions they think they are "owed". I've told my parents to spend it, donate it, or burn it. I don't need it, and I certainly don't feel like fighting over anything.

My in-laws have been going through a similar situation. When one of their elders passed, one of the "children" accused the executor of hiding or stealing all the money. They for some reason had the belief that their parent was sitting on a ton of money from their other parent passing many years ago, which was far from the truth. They were expecting to inherit thousands of dollars and received next to nothing, and think their sibling stole it all, which is ridiculous. Their last surviving parent lived in a tiny one bedroom house, drove a 20 year old minivan, and has lived off nothing but SS for the last 15 years. They barely had enough money to pay for the funeral.
 
DFH65 said:
I have several friends with parents with dementia and Alzheimer's to the point it would be literally impossible to care for them in the home.
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This is my parent's greatest fear. My pops has told me on numerous occasions that should things start going that direction, he wants that to be game over. He normally says something to the effect of: "let me take a long walk off a short pier" and he means it.
I don't envy or judge anyone, parent or child, who is put in the position of being the victim or caretaker of someone with memory problems. It's an impossibly difficult problem with no good solutions. Each person has to choose from the best of bad options.

My grandma lived long enough to not be able to recognize me, or any of her 7 children, 3 of whom rotated in and out taking care of her everyday for the last 8 years of her life. That was not an easy way to leave this earth for anyone involved. Seeing the toll it took on the sisters, I could not in good conscience recommend that approach to anyone. It maximizes pain for everyone involved. But each family is different.
 
DFH65 said:
I agree 100% I have several friends with parents with dementia and Alzheimer's to the point it would be literally impossible to care for them in the home.
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1 of my neighbors has Alzheimer's. Another one has both parkinson's and Alzheimer's. The family finally put her in assisted living when the psychosis took over. She called the cops screaming there's blood on the walls. They somehow the family let her live alone prior to that.
 
My mother-in-law we put in the memory unit. My father had the means to have on-site help, basic care and later hospice-in-place. Still a lot of it fell on my sister (to which I will be eternally grateful for). My father was mentally sharp until the end at the age of 87. His body (mostly cardiac) just gave out on him.
 
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