Flying commercial tomorrow.... last minute tips? (satire)

Discussion in 'Flight Following' started by Jim K, Feb 7, 2020.

  1. Jim K

    Jim K Pre-takeoff checklist

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    Being forced to fly commercial as I don't have access to a plane big enough for the whole family. Looking for pilot specific tips.

    I know I should definitely try to use my certificate as ID, wear as much pilot gear as possible, especially my airport badge (from another airport), and be sure to tell the pilot and cabin crew that I can fly the plane if they get sick. Should I wear my kneeboard, or just keep it in my carry on?

    Im thinking I should probably take my stratux so I can help watch out for traffic. Homemade electronics are encouraged, right? Of course, I'll definitely want my handheld radio so I can talk directly to the flight crew, so I suppose I might as well bring my headset.
     
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  2. Ryanb

    Ryanb Touchdown! Greaser! PoA Supporter

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    Yes, bring your handheld and reply to ATC transmissions before the flight crew does. It’s only courteous and will relieve them of one less thing to do.

    “ATL Center : SWAxxxx climb and maintain flight level 370...”

    jump in really quick right here and acknowledge.
     
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  3. GRG55

    GRG55 Final Approach

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    Epaulets. You MUST wear epaulets or they'll never treat you as a real pilot.

    In fact, without them there's a good chance they will seat you in steerage, at the back of the plane next to the toilet entrance. :eek:

    And don't forget to tell the flight attendant you can't eat the same meal selection the pilots have. Just in case...
     
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  4. Jim K

    Jim K Pre-takeoff checklist

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    Of course... how did I forget!? I knew you guys would catch the stuff I missed! Should I stick with 4 or go for the whole 6?

    f4ce9c3242652301de6bf0b9bc5fa75344be5f85.jpeg
     
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  5. unsafervguy

    unsafervguy Pattern Altitude

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    Wear a flight suit and helmet also
     
  6. Weekend Warrior

    Weekend Warrior Pre-takeoff checklist

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    One word: nomex
     
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  7. jordane93

    jordane93 Final Approach

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    You must go through the crew line in security and show your pilot’s license.
     
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  8. FORANE

    FORANE Pattern Altitude

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    It is not a license, it's a certificate. Get it right.
     
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  9. Checkout_my_Six

    Checkout_my_Six Touchdown! Greaser!

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    make sure you wear your mask.... [​IMG]
     
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  10. Art Rose

    Art Rose Pre-takeoff checklist

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    Brings back memories, and a snicker. For several years my job required that I constantly travel to some far off destination. I was always on an airplane, and driving rent cars. I carried a portable GPS everywhere I went. I would often turn it on while in the air, for entertainment, and a little situation awareness. Used to be, if one of the flight crew caught a glimpse of what I was doing, they'd freak. Nowadays, since they've relaxed some of the electronic device use ignorance, nobody cares much.

    Today, while flying the tube, I watch my cell phone using the Avare app. Get yourself a window seat, and you can call "bull" when some ding dong flight attendant comes on the overhead and speaks some untruth to help keep the cattle calm.
     
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  11. Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe

    Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe Touchdown! Greaser!

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    So, like, I used to travel with a guy from the middle east. One trip, I decided to bring a couple sectionals so I could follow along from my window seat. He freaked. Absolutely freaked...
     
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  12. Pugs

    Pugs Pre-takeoff checklist

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    In the tube for a trip next weekend - way too much weather and ice predicted for me to do the trip. I'll admit, I'm that guy flipping between whatever book I'm reading and Foreflight in the window seat.
     
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  13. Deelee

    Deelee Pre-takeoff checklist

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    Be sure to do the following:

    Wear your A20s/Zulus to listen to music... You know - just because the sound quality is really awesome
    Make sure that your curent cert (heck even the old ones...) are prominently displayed or fall out of your wallet somehow so the person in the seat next to you asks. Or just show the FA to let them know that you are a pilot in case the flight crew needs any help up there.
    Make sure that you talk about everything that is going on during the pre-flight to the people in your row... Let them know what every sound is.. Tell them about the checklists they are going through in great detail.
    Oh, don't forget to share the weight and balance/performance numbers you did on that 738 (using Simbrief, of course).
    And always have your routing already plugged in to Foreflight and make sure it is always up on your iPad throughout the flight. Let your seatmates know that you are now descending via whatever STAR. Keep them informed when you get vectored to the FAF and what the flap settings and speeds are on short final.

    Using these tips will ensure everyone around you knows that you are a PILOT!

    (I stole some of this from ATCMemes.com.... They have a hilarious video of this topic)
     
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  14. GRG55

    GRG55 Final Approach

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    Real pilots don't read stuff on a tablet. Make sure your newsstand copy of Flying magazine is not in the seatback pocket but in a place where the cover is displayed prominently.

    And nothing brings greater admiration from the cabin crew (especially the women) than a man who knows how to work an E6B (the old round ones that didn't need batteries). :ihih:
     
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  15. Jim K

    Jim K Pre-takeoff checklist

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    E6B would've been great to watch TSA try to figure out.

    Not gonna lie... Got the routing from flight aware plugged into my EFB so I can follow along.

    Anybody got a checklist for an A320?
     
  16. GRG55

    GRG55 Final Approach

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    You mean the "Double-engine out, land it in the Hudson" emergency checklist? Nobody is going to be impressed with any of the other ones. :D
     
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  17. iamtheari

    iamtheari Pattern Altitude

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    Listen to LiveATC of your own flight using speakers, not headphones.

    Tell everyone you see, “I fly planes. Do you know what the equipment we are on today (that’s what we pilots call our airplanes) has in common with the 737 Max?”

    Whatever you do, be as blatant but nonchalant about it as Dr. Rumack.

    upload_2020-2-8_9-21-13.jpeg
     
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  18. Zeldman

    Zeldman Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Don't eat the fish....

    Ask fellow passengers if they like movies about vikings...

    Take the train.
     
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  19. Sluggo63

    Sluggo63 Line Up and Wait

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    None of that stuff will convince anybody that you're a real pilot.

    If you want the FAs to know that you're a pilot, forget the certs and headset. First, you need to be in the right "pilot deadheading" uniform. Wear navy blue polyester pants, black shoes and a golf shirt. Fleece pullover optional. Then, what you need to do is walk down the aisle and cobble together an entire USA Today using the various sections people left behind in the seatbacks, grab a handful of Biscoff cookies and a liter of bottled water from the galley and shove them in your bag. Then "accidentally" drop a bagful of hotel miniature soaps and shampoos onto the floor, pick them up and mumble something about "your family likes the tiny toiletries."
     
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  20. bflynn

    bflynn Final Approach

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    Seems like an appropriate time to repost this:

     
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  21. geezer

    geezer Pre-takeoff checklist

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    Don't use your certificate for check in with TSA, use your Concealed Carry permit. The will think you must be an Air marshal, and give you special treatment. You will not be forced to wait with the rest of the Passengers, but shepherded right thru to a special facility.

    A relative of mine did this. After they yanked him out of line, escorted him with armed, uniformed security man, to the strip search room, he pulled out his State Trooper ID, and advised he did not have any arms, and after a magnetic search, they released him.

    His wife came through half an hour later, he was in a food joint waiting patiently. She did not think it fair that he went thru so quick, leaving her to deal with them alone.
     
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  22. NordicDave

    NordicDave Cleared for Takeoff

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    In all seriousness... Enter your flight number into ForeFlight's flight plan area to see your Commercial airliners flight path. I've also stuck a Stratus to the window and followed along with synthetic vision EFIS.
     
  23. AKBill

    AKBill En-Route

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    Upgrade to first class, eat, drink and be merry..:)
     
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  24. smv

    smv Line Up and Wait

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    I am sure it has been asked here before, but if you walk into a room full of strangers how can you tell who is a pilot?

    You do not need to be able to tell, they will tell you.
     
  25. iRyan

    iRyan Pre-takeoff checklist

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    Be sure to be like my seat mate on a deadhead. We had an aborted t/o for a minor issue and this guy gets into the brace position. Told me he was a private pilot and that I should brace as well; I had my regular jacket over my uniform so he had no idea I drove the bus. I just thanked him and said I’m sure we will survive.
     
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  26. Salty

    Salty Final Approach PoA Supporter

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    I admit I bring up foreflight when I'm bored.

    Odd thing happened one time and I have no idea why, I should have asked one of them.... I packed a couple copies of soaring magazine to read on the flight and had them sitting on the empty seat next to me during the flight and every single FA stopped and looked closely at the mag cover at some point during the flight. It was very obvious, like stopped, tilted their head, paused, and then went on. Every one of them did it. No idea why a picture of a glider would have caught their attention to that degree.
     
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  27. Salty

    Salty Final Approach PoA Supporter

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    You're lucky you made it.
     
  28. smv

    smv Line Up and Wait

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    They were well aware that only real pilots have "Glider" on their certificates.

    :stirpot:
     
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  29. N1120A

    N1120A Cleared for Takeoff

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    Make sure to let the flight deck know you're there to help if they need it.
     
  30. GRG55

    GRG55 Final Approach

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    They all were fascinated with having a passenger on board crazy enough to leave the safety of terra firma without an engine. :eek:
    Word gets 'round ya know. ;)
     
  31. Jim K

    Jim K Pre-takeoff checklist

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    We survived, in spite of the French aircraft, and the questionable carrier. Unfortunately I only got to tell one person about being a pilot. He asked about the app I was using to track our progress.

    It was Allegiant, so......

    In all seriousness, it was super fun watching our progress. The flight plan posted on flightaware was correct, and looking out the window is way more fun when you know what you're looking at. Watching the efb actually held my interest for the whole flight. We had a nice tailwind, so we made 500 knots GS for a good while.

    I wish I had taken a picture of the captain. He was a living breathing stereotype. Fur collared leather jacket, Ray Bans, and all. Mind you.... it was 75 degrees outside....
     
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  32. GRG55

    GRG55 Final Approach

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    Whatever it takes to get the girls. :D
     
  33. k9medic

    k9medic Pre-takeoff checklist

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    You mean we shouldn’t use ForeFlight???

    [​IMG]


    In all honesty I was sitting just behind the pilot anyway so I could have just told him what needed to be done in an emergency. Lol.

    [​IMG]


    Had to get somewhere for this guy.

    [​IMG]


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  34. unsafervguy

    unsafervguy Pattern Altitude

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    That's not in a checklist. That's in the qrh, after the qrc. You would need all three handy to really impress.......
     
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  35. James331

    James331 Ejection Handle Pulled

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    Don’t eat the bat soup

    Practice hand to hand combat, especially if passing through Chicago if you’re a small doctor

    Leave your dignity at home, you won’t need it where you’re about to go.
     
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  36. GRG55

    GRG55 Final Approach

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    Looks like he's doing a wheelie to drop the nose gear into the bed of the pickup truck tug... :cool: