Deferring Marriage and a Family to fly professionally

  • Thread starter Thread starter Aspiringpilot1
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Aspiringpilot1 said:
I've hesitated to make this post for awhile, but I'm at a real crossroads with life decisions. I am what some might consider to be a recent college graduate and have settled into a career/job that I really enjoy and I'm happy with. I've also actively been working at earning my flight ratings to pursue a career move in the next couple of years flying professionally, as it's always been something I've wanted to do. Long story short, I met a girl... oh boy I know... during my tenure of college and we have been dating for a couple of years now. She is very well in the know about the potential for my career change soon and seems to understand my goals in life. She is however, along with her family, beginning to put the heat on for engagement and marriage. I am mature enough to understand, that once engagement and marriage occurs, life suddenly starts getting in the way and things that were once a priority, seem to shift until those priorities are in the rearview mirror. She said earlier on in our relationship that she wanted to have children rather soon after getting married as her biological clock is ticking, which i fully get, but that is yet another reason the flying aspirations tend to get pushed aside and those life goals from before don't end up happening. I've told her quite a few times that I at least want to finish my programs with the flight school before getting engaged, as I simply cannot balance a full time job, flight lessons, planning a wedding and hobbies etc., without becoming stressed out with a plate that's too full. I feel like that's reasonable. Recently she's asked me whether or not I'll jump on a flying job as soon as the opportunity arises, or if i'll wait a bit, as she'd like to have some time after the wedding to live just the two of us before I start to be gone and living the pilot lifestyle. I told her that I would probably jump on an opportunity as soon as i get one.

Anyway, she's a good girl, but there are some things that I'm not sure about. She's been working a very low income job ($36k annually) and while she has tried to apply for other jobs, she doesn't seem to be terribly motivated to find better, basically where if someone comes knocking on her door, she'll answer it. This kind of bugs me, and in my opinion, she needs to be working on certifications or applying for jobs or going back to school or doing something to advance herself professionally. Ultimately, I am not sure how that lifestyle will work with her long term, even though she says it'll be fine. I understand that sacrifices have to be made living the lifestyle of a professional pilot. Im curious how many of you deferred getting married and having a family to fly? Honestly, I'm just not sure that I'm ready to be tied down right now, and if she's unwilling to wait, then maybe she just isnt the right one...?
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I'm late to this post and haven't had a chance to read all the prior posts, so some of what I say my be duplicative. You sound like you're in your early to mid 20s, which is very young. You have so much life ahead of you. And if your girlfriend is the same age, then she also has a lot of life ahead of her and plenty of years to have kids. It is much more common now to get married and have kids in your 30s. I live in NYC and it's basically unheard of to get married and have kids before you are 30. This is common for big cities, which is where you could easily be as a pilot. You may feel like you have figured yourself out at your young age and that you know what you want for the rest of your life, but statistics and experience show that you will change and you will feel much differently about life and what you want in your 30s and 40s. It sounds like you may have some doubts about her as it is. You should carefully consider those doubts and don't feel pressured (by yourself or her) to get married and start a family this young. I'm very glad I waited until my later 30s to get married and have kids. I'm in my early 40s now and am very thankful that I didn't get married young (I almost did), miss out on so much life that cannot be experienced with a demanding home life, and frankly, have to deal with a divorce, because the girl I was madly in love with in my early to mid-20s is not someone that would have made me happy long term. I only learned that through experience.

I think you've realized that if you get married and start having kids right now, you have a high probability of having to give up your dream. Wives and kids take a lot of time, presence, and money. Things that you will not have in your early aviation career. Once you are more established in your career, you will still be plenty young enough to think about starting a family. Don't live with regret for the rest of your life by giving up on your dream.

Speaking of regret, the timing of seeing this post is so coincidental. I was just looking at my grandpa's log book from the late 40s. He used his GI money for flight lessons and was working on his commercial pilots license. I like to look at his log book from time to time because I know it documents some of his favorite hours of his life. He had 183 hours in his last log book entry. Nine months later my dad was born. He never flew again. He said he couldn't afford a family and flying. Not a day went by that he didn't think about planes and flying (and, I'm sure, what could have been). I got my love of aviation and desire to be a pilot from him. And I'm glad that through careful planning and patience I was not forced, like him, to choose between a family and what I wanted to do with my life.
 
I would leave my husband if he joined the airlines. Kids are not something that you can just leave at home for the mom. They need two present parents who are emotionally available every day. I’ve seen unstable kids, I’ve worked with them for only 4 years. The pattern I see with behavior problem children is that there is one parent that is missing/never around. I mean that one parent is working HARD. Too hard that they don’t take care of themselves properly. Yes I understand there are many hardships for people. However correlation still exists.

Personally, I’ve always hated my father working all the time and him too as a kid. now I don’t engage with him anymore. He is also a lying serpent that makes life intolerable. I bet he really regrets that time he lost during my childhood. What a joke of a man.
 
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Nihilistichag1995 said:
I would leave my husband if he joined the airlines. Kids are not something that you can just leave at home for the mom. They need two present parents who are emotionally available every day. I’ve seen unstable kids, I’ve worked with them for only 4 years. The pattern I see with behavior problem children is that there is one parent that is missing/never around. I mean that one parent is working HARD. Too hard that they don’t take care of themselves properly. Yes I understand there are many hardships for people. However correlation still exists.

Personally, I’ve always hated my father working all the time and him too as a kid. now I don’t engage with him anymore. He is also a lying serpent that makes life intolerable. I bet he really regrets that time he lost during my childhood. What a joke of a man.
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I'm curious why you think your kids would be better off with you divorced from their pilot dad than married to him. If you believe the problem with troubled kids is lack of two present parents, this seems like the wrong thing to do.
 
Nihilistichag1995 said:
I would leave my husband if he joined the airlines. Kids are not something that you can just leave at home for the mom. They need two present parents who are emotionally available every day. I’ve seen unstable kids, I’ve worked with them for only 4 years. The pattern I see with behavior problem children is that there is one parent that is missing/never around. I mean that one parent is working HARD. Too hard that they don’t take care of themselves properly. Yes I understand there are many hardships for people. However correlation still exists.

Personally, I’ve always hated my father working all the time and him too as a kid. now I don’t engage with him anymore. He is also a lying serpent that makes life intolerable. I bet he really regrets that time he lost during my childhood. What a joke of a man.
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Sounding programmed by a bitter spouse (mom).

Men can't win. Its either "you don't make enough $" or "you are not home enough" either way it is ALWAYS their fault. These women are always miserable. Then they can program the kids to be miserable too, cause misery loves company.
 
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Lindberg said:
I'm curious why you think your kids would be better off with you divorced from their pilot dad than married to him. If you believe the problem with troubled kids is lack of two present parents, this seems like the wrong thing to do.
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It's all in the name.

Kudos to "em" for using an 8-year old, long dormant sock with 6 total posts to uncork that one.
 
Nihilistichag1995 said:
I would leave my husband if he joined the airlines. Kids are not something that you can just leave at home for the mom. They need two present parents who are emotionally available every day. I’ve seen unstable kids, I’ve worked with them for only 4 years. The pattern I see with behavior problem children is that there is one parent that is missing/never around. I mean that one parent is working HARD. Too hard that they don’t take care of themselves properly. Yes I understand there are many hardships for people. However correlation still exists.

Personally, I’ve always hated my father working all the time and him too as a kid. now I don’t engage with him anymore. He is also a lying serpent that makes life intolerable. I bet he really regrets that time he lost during my childhood. What a joke of a man.
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So... If (hypothetically), your husband got a job offer for, say, $250,000 a year but he'd be gone every other week, you'd just up and leave him? To protect your kids? From his absence? His absence that you would make worse by leaving him?
 
Nihilistichag1995 said:
I would leave my husband if he joined the airlines. Kids are not something that you can just leave at home for the mom. They need two present parents who are emotionally available every day. I’ve seen unstable kids, I’ve worked with them for only 4 years. The pattern I see with behavior problem children is that there is one parent that is missing/never around. I mean that one parent is working HARD. Too hard that they don’t take care of themselves properly. Yes I understand there are many hardships for people. However correlation still exists.

Personally, I’ve always hated my father working all the time and him too as a kid. now I don’t engage with him anymore. He is also a lying serpent that makes life intolerable. I bet he really regrets that time he lost during my childhood. What a joke of a man.
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Wow, I never realized that I was a problem child with a horrible childhood with behavior issues. Thanks for letting me know. Hmm, never seemed to be a big issue for me. I had a very successful career after attending a top rated university and included being accept for USAF pilot training.

FYI, my father was a carrier aviator based on the west coast. So the ship would go away for 9 months at a time for long cruises, and many shorter week to 10 days ones and some shorter. Plus doing cross countries in slow airplanes when the ship was in port.

Compared to being gone for 2 - 3 days, then more for that long or longer.
 
It's more of a consent type of thing. You spring proverbial 7 on 7 off, or heck 6mo on 6 mo off for 20 years (hyperbole, even for most of the military, submariners probably exempt) up on someone who didn't sign up to be a part-year single parent, and yeah I think the grievance is warranted. But to suggest children of traveling occupation parents are definitionally neglected, of course that's easily falsifiable, as has been highlighted already.
 
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Pinecone said:
Wow, I never realized that I was a problem child with a horrible childhood with behavior issues. Thanks for letting me know.
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Baby don’t be sarcastic. I’m just trying to help all my guy friends make good decisions, that’s all.
 
Nihilistichag1995 said:
Baby don’t be sarcastic. I’m just trying to help all my guy friends make good decisions, that’s all.
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Good decisions for them, or good decisions for you? There are plenty of dads who are airline/military/truck drivers that can't be there every night and there are plenty of ways to still be a present and active parent even when you're not there physically. I've worked with my fair share of children from broken or otherwise messed-up homes, too. It is a lot better for a child to talk to his dad on the phone every night and know that his daddy loves his mommy and him and is looking forward to being together with them all again at the end of his trips than it is for a child to know that his mommy and daddy hate each other so much they won't live together anymore and all because daddy wasn't home every night to tuck him in.

Yes, it is harder on mom (or whichever parent doesn't travel), but life isn't Easy Street. If you're almost thirty and still naïve enough to believe that it should be, I envy you that ignorance. Honestly, the things you hinted at as being part of your childhood would have made me assume you realized that promises should not be lightly entered and should be kept at almost all costs at a young age had you not expressed that you intended to inflict your father's childhood mistakes on your own children as soon as you're given the opportunity to do so. It sounds harsh, but that is what you're saying. A father who loves his children and who knows how to have a healthy relationship with his children does not simply forgot that his children exist if he isn't in the same room or town as they are.
 
Princesspilot206 said:
I am 33 and becoming an airline pilot. I have pretty much accepted that marriage and kids will not be a part of my life. It is what it is.
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I refer you to this thread:
pilotsofamerica.com

34, feeling lost, lonely

Hey everyone, Still a complete amateur with respect to flying as I slowly chip away at my sport pilot license (hopefully private pilot one day). Anyways, I'm going through a rough patch right now and I thought I'd come here for some advice after reading a recent thread about marriage (you all...
pilotsofamerica.com pilotsofamerica.com

:)
 
Resurrecting this thread after almost 2 yrs.......

As a pilot who's flown for United for almost 3 years........I'm shaking my head at these responses.

Are you guys sooooo dependent on having a significant other in your life than you put practically no weight on other accomplishments?? Sure does seem like it.

What a SAD EXISTENCE that must be to put all your eggs in one basket.

And I'm saying that as someone in a committed relationship w my GF but not married. Oh.....and she's flown w me in my Mooney for just over 100 hrs in the past 13 months to some amazing destinations....like Churchill on the Hudson Bay to see polar bears!

The difference between me and you is you DO NOT DIVERSIFY! You put 95% of your well being into a relationship---and you would have NO IDENTITY if your partner walked away tomorrow---and you know it.

God forbid when things go south (pilot have a much higher divorce rate than most others) your fall is longer and harder than most others----yet you have this attitude that it won't happen to YOU.

To the OP........I you are still lurking....I would absolutely peruse the fastest path to your career destination job (likely either a legacy airline or fortune 100 corporate job) and not only not look back, but give the middle finger to those on here who can't imagine a life without being w their wife or GF (and I say that as someone w the latter).

Being in their shoes to me would feel exactly like flying along fat dumb and happy towards their destination with just 1 hr fuel that is reporting 200 and 1/2 with no suitable alternate above minimums. Yes....sure it might work out, but it's a house of cards that will get their butt handed to them if the slightest thing goes wrong.

SMH
 
beestforwardspeed said:
Resurrecting this thread after almost 2 yrs.......

As a pilot who's flown for United for almost 3 years........I'm shaking my head at these responses.

Are you guys sooooo dependent on having a significant other in your life than you put practically no weight on other accomplishments?? Sure does seem like it.

What a SAD EXISTENCE that must be to put all your eggs in one basket.

And I'm saying that as someone in a committed relationship w my GF but not married. Oh.....and she's flown w me in my Mooney for just over 100 hrs in the past 13 months to some amazing destinations....like Churchill on the Hudson Bay to see polar bears!

The difference between me and you is you DO NOT DIVERSIFY! You put 95% of your well being into a relationship---and you would have NO IDENTITY if your partner walked away tomorrow---and you know it.

God forbid when things go south (pilot have a much higher divorce rate than most others) your fall is longer and harder than most others----yet you have this attitude that it won't happen to YOU.

To the OP........I you are still lurking....I would absolutely peruse the fastest path to your career destination job (likely either a legacy airline or fortune 100 corporate job) and not only not look back, but give the middle finger to those on here who can't imagine a life without being w their wife or GF (and I say that as someone w the latter).

Being in their shoes to me would feel exactly like flying along fat dumb and happy towards their destination with just 1 hr fuel that is reporting 200 and 1/2 with no suitable alternate above minimums. Yes....sure it might work out, but it's a house of cards that will get their butt handed to them if the slightest thing goes wrong.

SMH
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Life is a journey. Focus less on where you want to end up and how much you want to enjoy the journey.

You may make big plans to structure your life in such a way to end up at a certain point and not even get there.

I'll give you the big reveal that no one ever gave me. The end of the journey isn't a finish line it's just another path on more journey.

Do you want this person and a couple of kids to be with you along that path?

It kinda doesn't sound like it.

I've never referred to somebody that I loved as " She's a good girl" the implied "but" in that sentence suggest you might both dodge a bullet if you opt for the flying route and a couple more years of sowing your wild oats.

I'll say you absolutely can balance a full-time job, wife, kids, hobbies. You don't want to because you're looking for people to reaffirm the decision that's churning in the back of your head which is how do I get out of this situation?

As far as the answer to your question I was 36, had a full-time job, three year old and a 5 year old in an endless slew of hobbies when I decided to pursue aviation. I guarantee you at your age you have more energy than I did

Give her the bad news now before she has to wait any longer for you to string her along.

Sorry, I'm in A-hole mode this morning.
 
beestforwardspeed said:
…
As a pilot who's flown for United for almost 3 years.......
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Oh? When did UA drop their requirement that applicants be English proficient?

But hey, this is the internet, and anyone can be anything here. Now if you will pardon me, I have to pick up the Batmobile at the shop (Robin took the weekend off to diversify).
 
beestforwardspeed said:
What a SAD EXISTENCE that must be to put all your eggs in one basket.
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What a sad, lonely existence it must be to live life without loving someone completely and making them the most important thing in your life, and to have them be equally devoted to you.

beestforwardspeed said:
And I'm saying that as someone in a committed relationship w my GF but not married.
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That's a contradiction, as proven by....

beestforwardspeed said:
...but it's a house of cards that will get their butt handed to them if the slightest thing goes wrong.
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If a relationship can be wrecked by having the slightest thing go wrong, that's barely a casual friendship, and hardly a "committed" relationship.
 
Half Fast said:
If a relationship can be wrecked by having the slightest thing go wrong, that's barely a casual friendship, and hardly a "committed" relationship.
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We’ve been married 40 years.

The “slightest thing go wrong”? We’ve had some epic adventures. But teamwork makes the dream work. With two people committed to working together, well, it works.
 
Going to visit my Great Grandson today, with my two Granddaughters from my other son.

Biggest anticipation of the year.

I put in many hard hours/days making the necessary adjustments to bring all that together. Currently living with my first wife, who has also worked hard for this outcome.

We have visited 3/4 of the states in our airplane, a dozen foreign countries, and taken 3 cruises.

Life has been very fulfilling, and the accomplishments of our children has been the largest part of that. Marriage to the proper spouse is not a trap, it is the beginning of the greatest part of your life, but it is hard work along with the great joys.

Do you look forward to hugging those Churchill polar bears in a couple of decades? I will take Grand children, myself, and their hug back is priceless...
 
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Kinda reminds me of the part in the story of Alice in Wonderland when she comes to the fork in the road and asks the cat which way to go. The cat wants to know where she's going and she says she don't know. The cat then informs her that it didn't matter ... meaning you can travel in any direction because you'll never get there. Being a free spirit doesn't infer never making and keeping a promise or rejecting a vision of forever together with someone you can't live without.

I've been blissfully married to the same lovable bride for 38 years and we're presently cruising at high altitude without turbulence. But that was not only the goal ... but the vow. If you're not willing to make the commitment you have no right to say you are committed ... and thus you have zero experience to speak to those that have.
 
I'll NEVER understand the desire to 'celebrate' a wedding. Spending tens of thousands of dollars on one day for people who mostly couldn't care less about you the next day.

I was married at the Magistrates office. $35. Took 20 minutes.

You have self inflicted problems. All of your problems can be fixed with a few well placed 'NO's.
 
beestforwardspeed said:
Yes....sure it might work out, but it's a house of cards that will get their butt handed to them if the slightest thing goes wrong.
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Wishing you the best. Let me offer a couple data points from a long life: first marriage I thought it was the thing to do. Turned turbulent quickly. Ended nasty.

Fast forward a few years: attended an apartment party and in walked my future wife. We locked eyes and we both knew that was that. Bought the diamond a few weeks later. Going on half a century now, and it only gets better.

Moral of my story might be this: when the Universe decides you're ready for a life companion, don't worry - she will find you.
 
beestforwardspeed said:
Resurrecting this thread after almost 2 yrs.......

As a pilot who's flown for United for almost 3 years........I'm shaking my head at these responses.

Are you guys sooooo dependent on having a significant other in your life than you put practically no weight on other accomplishments?? Sure does seem like it.

What a SAD EXISTENCE that must be to put all your eggs in one basket.

And I'm saying that as someone in a committed relationship w my GF but not married. Oh.....and she's flown w me in my Mooney for just over 100 hrs in the past 13 months to some amazing destinations....like Churchill on the Hudson Bay to see polar bears!

The difference between me and you is you DO NOT DIVERSIFY! You put 95% of your well being into a relationship---and you would have NO IDENTITY if your partner walked away tomorrow---and you know it.

God forbid when things go south (pilot have a much higher divorce rate than most others) your fall is longer and harder than most others----yet you have this attitude that it won't happen to YOU.

To the OP........I you are still lurking....I would absolutely peruse the fastest path to your career destination job (likely either a legacy airline or fortune 100 corporate job) and not only not look back, but give the middle finger to those on here who can't imagine a life without being w their wife or GF (and I say that as someone w the latter).

Being in their shoes to me would feel exactly like flying along fat dumb and happy towards their destination with just 1 hr fuel that is reporting 200 and 1/2 with no suitable alternate above minimums. Yes....sure it might work out, but it's a house of cards that will get their butt handed to them if the slightest thing goes wrong.

SMH
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From the movie “Tropic Thunder”:
“Son, you've got a lot to learn, and you best start now".
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
Life is a journey. Focus less on where you want to end up and how much you want to enjoy the journey.
Click to expand...

Daleandee said:
Kinda reminds me of the part in the story of Alice in Wonderland when she comes to the fork in the road and asks the cat which way to go. The cat wants to know where she's going and she says she don't know. The cat then informs her that it didn't matter ... meaning you can travel in any direction because you'll never get there. Being a free spirit doesn't infer never making and keeping a promise or rejecting a vision of forever together with someone you can't live without.
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WDD said:
Happiness is found by sacrificing for your spouse and family.
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You guys, and others above, are kinda screwing up that pilot image of a guy with no pants on looking for the nearest bar.

When I was in my 20s I met a couple of folk singers in a college bar. They'd been traveling around the country in their RV promoting their new album. The premise was along the lines of something that they picked up from a book recommended by a Native American friend of theirs. "Black Elk Speaks" was the book, and their take was simply that the journey was all their was. Aileen and Elkin Thomas. I don't think they ever made a lot of money, but they seemed as content and at peace as anyone I've ever met. Couldn't remember their last names, but from the Internet I found that, and this:


Sometimes the concepts that sound the simplest are the hardest to appreciate.
 
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