Deferring Marriage and a Family to fly professionally

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Aspiringpilot1

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I've hesitated to make this post for awhile, but I'm at a real crossroads with life decisions. I am what some might consider to be a recent college graduate and have settled into a career/job that I really enjoy and I'm happy with. I've also actively been working at earning my flight ratings to pursue a career move in the next couple of years flying professionally, as it's always been something I've wanted to do. Long story short, I met a girl... oh boy I know... during my tenure of college and we have been dating for a couple of years now. She is very well in the know about the potential for my career change soon and seems to understand my goals in life. She is however, along with her family, beginning to put the heat on for engagement and marriage. I am mature enough to understand, that once engagement and marriage occurs, life suddenly starts getting in the way and things that were once a priority, seem to shift until those priorities are in the rearview mirror. She said earlier on in our relationship that she wanted to have children rather soon after getting married as her biological clock is ticking, which i fully get, but that is yet another reason the flying aspirations tend to get pushed aside and those life goals from before don't end up happening. I've told her quite a few times that I at least want to finish my programs with the flight school before getting engaged, as I simply cannot balance a full time job, flight lessons, planning a wedding and hobbies etc., without becoming stressed out with a plate that's too full. I feel like that's reasonable. Recently she's asked me whether or not I'll jump on a flying job as soon as the opportunity arises, or if i'll wait a bit, as she'd like to have some time after the wedding to live just the two of us before I start to be gone and living the pilot lifestyle. I told her that I would probably jump on an opportunity as soon as i get one.

Anyway, she's a good girl, but there are some things that I'm not sure about. She's been working a very low income job ($36k annually) and while she has tried to apply for other jobs, she doesn't seem to be terribly motivated to find better, basically where if someone comes knocking on her door, she'll answer it. This kind of bugs me, and in my opinion, she needs to be working on certifications or applying for jobs or going back to school or doing something to advance herself professionally. Ultimately, I am not sure how that lifestyle will work with her long term, even though she says it'll be fine. I understand that sacrifices have to be made living the lifestyle of a professional pilot. Im curious how many of you deferred getting married and having a family to fly? Honestly, I'm just not sure that I'm ready to be tied down right now, and if she's unwilling to wait, then maybe she just isnt the right one...?
 
Man I’m not sure how old you are but if you’re in your 20’s chase that dream now!! If she truly loves you and knows your passion she will understand. I mean you yourself said you’re not ready to be tied down. Nothing against her or her family but if you have a dream you need to chase it and make it happen, if she or her family can’t understand then maybe have that hard chat. Because if you stop doing what you want there will be resentment later in life and by then you’ll also have kids involved.
 
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Sounds like you are a recent grad, young 20s. Personally, I wouldn’t get married anytime soon. Enjoy your life and get married in your 30s. There is nothing wrong with having children in your late 30s. A woman who cannot demand a better job but pushes marriage and children is just following what their Mom told them and not what they actually want. That’s very old school way of thinking. I bet they will have all these expectations of you and the shouting will follow. I don’t think that’s a good idea personally. Once you get stuck in that life, you are stuck (unless you can walk out and say good luck kids)! I have plenty of miserable friends who did that, and even ended up divorced. Such negative vibes and energy.

Live your life and do the things you want to, eventually you’ll want to settle back on your hobbies and joys and that may or may not include a family. For me, I don’t want children. I don’t want the responsibility or to stop having fun, traveling, etc. I like being irresponsible but that’s me.

The take home message is, no marriage or kids in your 20s, go for your goals now!
 
Years ago i was in a similar situation. I made the decision to move on with my life and let her go.

It was the right decision for me. I still think about her once in a while.

The one thing I've learned is that when a woman is desperate to have a child, the husband will likely take second place in the relationship from then on.

I can understand it, but when you're the guy who suddenly finds out you are number 2 in the relationship it can be a hard pill to swallow.

Being pressured to be the baby daddy is not a good way to start a marriage in my opinion.

You are clearly having doubts. From my experience I would trust your instincts. If you are not her main priority now, you likely never will be.

You only get one chance at life. Make your happiness the number one priority, even if it feels selfish at times. Wait for the woman who makes you her number priority, without demands attached.

Or completely ignore everything I've said cuz it's just my experience and may not be yours.
 
Here's something that just came across my feed: https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:7183873330658054144/

Personally, I'd try to zoom forward to when you might be 70 or 80 and ask yourself who will remember you, and for what. The best airline pilot out there is going to be, well, one of thousands, among thousands, to thousands. Most of us will just be a face. OTOH, if you have three or four really good kids that you invest in, they will be your legacy. Don't put a career too high on the list of accomplishments in life.
 
It’s interesting that you said, “…life suddenly starts getting in the way…” as if marriage and family are a bad thing. That’s a phrase I’ve used in a similar context when talking about my own aviation record. I just never thought carefully about a deeper meaning.

Some people make it work by deferring one or the other. But you need to decide - let her go on with her own life or be a part of her life. But don’t string her along, that isn’t fair to her.
 
Are the parents in town and they can help out if you're a traveling pilot?

And is she a keeper? Supportive, committed, etc? If so, the grass isn't always greener.

But if you don't see a wife and kids for another 10 years, you owe it to her to say something now.

If it were me, and she was the one, I'd marry her, keep flying and start a family.
 
FWIW, I had an instructor years ago who was in a fast track to the airlines. One day he told me he was going to give it up. I asked why.

“I had to decide if I wanted to be an airline pilot or a dad.”
 
Hmmm, you should be discussing this stuff with her, not here. Print your post out and give it to her, but be ready for her to dump your ass.

From what I read you want a bread winner over a wife and mom. Sounds like she would rather raise kids, which is a full time job and a half. That’s most likely a problem.

Getting married is a big decision. Choose wisely. Careers are great but they don’t keep you warm at night. You need to decide what you want.
 
Lot’s to unpack here, but there’s a lot of big topics brought up that should he deep conversations with someone you are considering sharing the rest of your life with. If there’s not alignment and understanding now, it’s not likely to get better.

By the same token, marriage requires compromise and sacrifice. If you’re not in a place where your willing to make the compromises and sacrifices desired, then she’s not “the one.”

Don’t fool yourself and don’t fool her. Commit or cut bait, there’s no in-between.
 
If your goals are not 100% aligned with, with agreement on a plan to complete them, they never will be, and you should split. Or just enjoy it while it lasts. Plans change, but if you don't start on the same page you'll never get on the same page. And no, being with her won't make up for following your dream.
 
Nowhere in your post did you use the word love.

There is only one good reason to marry. Because you love her so much that you can't imagine life without her.

Been married 35 years. My life gets better every year.

Families are great, and kids are incredible. But I have friends with kids from failed marriages. At best, that situation is painful but manageable. At worst, it is a hell of custody and financial disputes.

Find the right one. It will hit you like a train when it happens.
 
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jordane93 said:
Interesting. I’m doing both. That said if it had to come down to it I’d 100% choose being a dad
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As am I, but I think the quote has more to do with the path required to get to where we currently are. Both of us became Dads after we ended up at our destination jobs, and we both live in a junior base where QOL comes quickly.

But to the OPs question, I had the destination job first, then settled down in my 30s. Not by choice necessarily - relationships came and went as I was building a career in my 20s and simply never found 'the one'. The good thing is that I get to focus on being a husband and father without any financial stressors, and I'm around my daughter so much that the other parents at her preschool are convinced that I'm unemployed. On the flip side I'm sure I'll end up jealous of all the empty nesters in their 40s! :)

But like I said, the order was mostly by chance. I love my family more than anything, and I'd quit tomorrow if that's what my wife and daughter needed. I tend to agree with the others that say if you're not in alignment now, you're unlikely to get there in the future.
 
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Aspiringpilot1 said:
She said earlier on in our relationship that she wanted to have children rather soon after getting married as her biological clock is ticking...
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Which says nothing about your feelings. Do you want to be a dad? Right now? Think about it (pray about it), make up your mind. Do it now, not later. This might sound very harsh, I don't mean it to. Don't be scared to break up with her. She may be 'all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips,' but if you're not ready, you're not ready. The sooner you break up with her, the sooner she's free to find the right man.

If you want marriage and kids, have a plan. Nothing too specific ("Oooh, I want our kids to attend Hoity-toity middle school # 3"), but think about how you can parent while traveling all the time. Have an idea of family or friends that can help your wife with the kids while you're gone.

Aspiringpilot1 said:
I've told her quite a few times that I at least want to finish my programs with the flight school before getting engaged, as I simply cannot balance a full time job, flight lessons, planning a wedding and hobbies etc., without becoming stressed out with a plate that's too full.
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That's good. Know your limitations.

Aspiringpilot1 said:
Anyway, she's a good girl, but there are some things that I'm not sure about. She's been working a very low income job ($36k annually) and while she has tried to apply for other jobs, she doesn't seem to be terribly motivated to find better, basically where if someone comes knocking on her door, she'll answer it.
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I'm probably going to ruffle some feathers here...

WHO CARES??? If you follow your career, you're going to fly off into the wild blue, leaving your beautiful bride to parent all alone for long stretches of time. Don't be surprised if she wants to quit working to be a better mother. With you gone, asking her to work a demanding full-time job while being (effectively) a single mom is stupid (IMO). You listed your limitations a bit earlier, listen to hers.

If she's willing to wait while you finish up flight school, you could at least listen to her desires regarding being a wife, being a mother, and being a career-woman. If you're not willing to work with her limitations, you may not be right for her.
 
I would advise you to tell her everything you just wrote and break up with her. You don't sound like you're interested in marriage or family at this point, and it is unfair to her to keep stringing her along with "just wait until I get done with x". She apparently likes you very much and sees you as a good potential husband and father to have stuck around for literal years when she wants to settle down and start a family.

If you do decide that you are going to move forward with her, it sounds like you two need to have many deep conversations about what you expect marriage and parenting and daily life to look like. I imagine she actually wants to be a mother and stay home with her kids at least until they are of school-age and then probably only work part time while they are in school. You may discover that while she is doing her best to be supportive of your goals in life, you will not or can not be supportive of hers and she would be better off finding a man who understands and supports her just as much as she is trying to support you.

As a side note, "unwilling to wait" is perhaps better phrased as "unable to wait". Once a woman reaches 35, she enters what is called "geriatric pregnancy". Any pregnancy after 35 significantly increases chances of birth defects, gene abnormalities, miscarriage and stillbirth, as well as increased health risks for the mother from carrying the child, birthing the child, and recovering after said birth. And that doesn't even include the decreasing fertility that makes even conceiving exceptionally difficult for almost all women as they begin to approach the end of their fertility window.

Also, when @2-Bit Speed met me, I was making a whole walloping $26k/year including overtime as a preschool teacher. He didn't see it as an issue because both of us wanted my primary goal to be being a good mother to our future children. If that is her primary goal and not yours, you need to let her know that.
 
The reasons for divorce are usually money, sex, life goals, religion and politics.

You have already answered the money part as she doesn’t appear to want to increase her earnings to meet your expectations.
 
jordane93 said:
Interesting. I’m doing both. That said if it had to come down to it I’d 100% choose being a dad
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Keep in mind that “being a dad” means different things to different people, and what it means in general has changed significantly even since I was a kid only half a century ago.
 
mandm said:
A woman who cannot demand a better job but pushes marriage and children is just following what their Mom told them and not what they actually want.
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Really? There are no women who prefer marriage and children to career advancement? Interesting. Can you offer data in support of this conclusion?


Lndwarrior said:
Make your happiness the number one priority, even if it feels selfish at times. Wait for the woman who makes you her number priority, without demands attached.
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YMMV, and probably will, but in my experience (married 31 years this June) this is completely backward. Find a mate whose happiness matters more to you than your own and do all you can to make her dreams come true.

Mrs. Fast and I both try to help each other do things we want, including giving up some things to help the other fulfill wants. When seeing the other person happy is what makes you happy, a happy marriage becomes more likely.
 
MauleSkinner said:
Keep in mind that “being a dad” means different things to different people, and what it means in general has changed significantly even since I was a kid only half a century ago.
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Not sure how you define it, but I'd guess my definition of "being a Dad" requires significantly more involvement than how it was commonly defined 50 years ago.
 
kayoh190 said:
Not sure how you define it, but I'd guess my definition of "being a Dad" requires significantly more involvement than how it was commonly defined 50 years ago.
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Yes…like I said, it’s changed. But how significant that involvement is still varies from person to person..does it allow for being gone 3 nights a week, or does it require physically sitting down every night with the kids to help with homework? Both are currently acceptable definitions.
 
MauleSkinner said:
Yes…like I said, it’s changed. But how significant that involvement is still varies from person to person..does it allow for being gone 3 nights a week, or does it require physically sitting down every night with the kids to help with homework? Both are currently acceptable definitions.
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I absolutely agree. But that goes both ways - if someone posts to imply that a pilot career and being a Dad is mutually exclusive, I am happy to show how it works for our family.
 
kayoh190 said:
I absolutely agree. But that goes both ways - if someone posts to imply that a pilot career and being a Dad is mutually exclusive, I am happy to show how it works for our family.
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But it still doesn’t mean it would work for someone else’s family, and it was somebody else’s family that sparked the discussion of whether or not someone could manage a flying career with a family.
 
kayoh190 said:
I absolutely agree. But that goes both ways - if someone posts to imply that a pilot career and being a Dad is mutually exclusive, I am happy to show how it works for our family.
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Heck, it may even enhance raising families. I've known of pilots who have wives and families in several countries simultaneously.
 
MauleSkinner said:
But it still doesn’t mean it would work for someone else’s family, and it was somebody else’s family that sparked the discussion of whether or not someone could manage a flying career with a family.
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That's my point - the only way anyone can make a decision is to hear how it works (or not) from a variety of folks and see if it fits their situation. I'm simply giving my perspective. You mention three nights per week. That was the crux of my argument - starting the family late allowed me to be at a point in my career where I don't have to do that sort of garbage.
 
How miserable would you be if you don't become a professional pilot?
 
SkyChaser said:
Any pregnancy after 35 significantly increases chances of birth defects, gene abnormalities,
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:yeahthat:

1713454305173.png


Pic of SkyChaser with her Downs sister-in-law (and my daughter). I love my daughter dearly, but raising a mentally handicapped kid is incredibly challenging. The odds of having a Downs child go up significantly with the age of the mother.
 
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Half Fast said:
Heck, it may even enhance raising families. I've known of pilots who have wives and families in several countries simultaneously.
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I've seen it first hand - Brazil is big for this. I don't know how they do it - one wife is PITA enough! :D



(juuuuuust kidding honey!)
 
MauleSkinner said:
Keep in mind that “being a dad” means different things to different people, and what it means in general has changed significantly even since I was a kid only half a century ago.
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I agree. Overall, it’s been pretty easy for my wife and I mostly because she’s been on leave from work. If she would have gone back, it would definitely make things more difficult but we would have made it work. I also bid a min schedule and get 18 days off per month so that helps. Most of the trips I bid for are double red eyes down to South America so day 1 I can put my daughter to bed and day 4, I can see her wake up (then promptly pass out for a few hours:)). If I had my buddy’s Gulfstream schedule, it would definitely make things harder. He’s on call all the time and gets like 4 “real” days off so planning anything is almost impossible. Overall it comes down to your spouse. I’m thankful mine is able to hold down the fort for a few days when I’m gone. We also don’t day care and even though we have both of our parents nearby, we never ask them to babysit unless we have a once in a while date night or have to go away for a few days for various obligations. But it definitely is nice having them close by for emergencies.
 
Aspiringpilot1 said:
maybe she just isnt the right one...?
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If you're not sure, she probably isn't the right one... or you're not.

My wife (nearly 40 years now) never had a high paying job, and was happy being a stay at home mom when the kids were young, and I/we think that was best for our kids, too. But I never had any interest in flying for a living.
 
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