Dad advice needed. Question 1

SixPapaCharlie

SixPapaCharlie

May the force be with you
Joined
Aug 8, 2013
Messages
16,012
Display Name
Display name:
Sixer
This isn't satire so go ahead and move along.

I'm a good dad.
That's the only thing I will truly claim to be good at.
Pilot? meh, employee? B+, Smart? average. Dad? I'm the best!

But I'm perplexed and could use tips from other dads that may have sound advice.
My son is sweet to a fault. Anything I give him, he splits in 2 and gives half to his sister.
I give him money for chores and he asks if we can give it to kids that don't have money.
He is very sensitive, approaches everyone with hopes of them being a new friend, and doesn't seem to have a hateful bone in his body.

Today he came home from school and some boys had been stealing his backpack and throwing it and making him chase it and he would go get it and they would take some of his other things and it went on and on until he had enough. He stood up to a kid and said "knock it off" The kid punched my son in the face. He's 9.

My son is really good at karate and I have told him if ever cornered, and you are out of options, do what you have to do I will never punish you for fighting as long as you don't start it. If you start it, you and me have a problem. He seems to understand that.

Truth is, he is never going to hit anyone though. He is a timid sweet little boy and as such, a natural target. The kids have picked up on this and we happen to live in a town full of red neck *******s that are raising ****ty kids. I swear my generation are the worst parents ever. I don't have many friends that are parents right now because I am fed up with hearing people ***** about their children like they are some kind of burden. "God I can't get them in bed fast enough. Mommy needs her wine". This attitude is rampant in my peer group and its tiring.

I don't want to be a helicopter parent but my job is to protect my kid.

I was also this shy timid little kid that got picked on and made fun of and beat on to the point that in high school, I checked out mentally and became a major loner, tried things I wish I hadn't, and hung out w/ the only crowd that would accept me which was not the best of crowds. The music was good though.

That was the solution 20 years ago. Nowadays, 12 year olds are hanging themselves. Read that again. 12 year olds. I am not really worried about that type of thing yet but in a world full of tough guys, how does a guy that prays every night that for one day everyone will just be nice to him get comfort? I told him tonight "You are young for such a brief period of time and it all goes away one day and you just have to get through this part" he started sobbing and saying "I just want to get past this part and have people be nice even if its just for a day"

I called the school and politely ripped them a new one for not noticing that this had happened. I made sure to note that this was the 3rd or 4th time something like this has happened and I haven't gone all "entitled overprotective parent " on them yet but this keeps happening and no one is looking.

Most of this happens in the extended school day program after school where some college interns are supposed to be watching the kids but are clearly not paying that close attention. In November one of these interns cussed and my daughter goes "OOOH you said a bad word" he said "If you promise not to tell, I will give you a dollar. And he did. He paid her a dollar not to tell. Think about that for a minute. My daughter is a tough smart little cookie. She came home right away and said "This isn't right, Mr. Bryant gave me a dollar not to share a secret" She is an ace. But what if she wasn't?

This is one of the best school systems in the state. One of the reasons we moved here. That and the crazy high property taxes seemed fun to pay.

Anyway, I am mad and I don't know how to proceed. Maybe I say suck it up and cut your chops but that doesn't feel right to me. What do ya do when your kid is a target because he is too nice? I can answer a million other dad questions, but this one is causing me to lose sleep.

Being a dad is pretty easy until its not.

I can take them out of the extended day program but that leads to Question 2 (thread coming)

Thanks in advance.
 
Last edited:
That sucks.

No answers here - your son seems like a decent kid. Someday, somehow, one of those other kids may just push him too far. Be ready for that, it might get ugly. I saw that in jr high once. I was an Army brat and moved all the time, so I was always the new kid. I figured out ways to fit in, mainly by simply watching. I saw one kid, one of the nicest kids you'd ever know, who was picked on mercilessly by one particular kid. The picked on kid would never react, ever. Then one day he snapped - punched the other kid square in the nose, knocked him backwards, and he fell down a flight of stairs and ended up pretty badly hurt. I don't remember if I ever saw either of them again.

If he's building up to an explosion, and you might not know if he really is, you need to find a way for him to burn off that energy inside him. Maybe something physical, like punching a heavy bag in his karate class or finding some other way to get it out.
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
This isn't satire so go ahead and move along.

I'm a good dad.
That's the only thing I will truly claim to be good at.
Pilot? meh, employee? B+, Smart? average. Dad? I'm the best!

But I'm perplexed and could use tips from other dads that may have sound advice.
My son is sweet to a fault. Anything I give him, he splits in 2 and gives half to his sister.
I give him money for chores and he asks if we can give it to kids that don't have money.
He is very sensitive, approaches everyone with hopes of them being a new friend, and doesn't seem to have a hateful bone in his body.

Today he came home from school and some boys had been stealing his backpack and throwing it and making him chase it and he would go get it and they would take some of his other things and it went on and on until he had enough. He stood up to a kid and said "knock it off" The kid punched him in the face. He's 9.

My son is really good at karate and I have told him if ever cornered, and you are out of options, do what you have to do I will never punish you for fighting as long as you don't start it. If you start it, you and me have a problem. He seems to understand that.

Truth is, he is never going to hit anyone though. He is a timid sweet little boy and as such, a natural target. The kids have picked up on this and we happen to live in a town full of red neck *******s that are raising ****ty kids. I swear my generation are the worst parents ever. I don't have many friends that are parents right now because I am fed up with hearing people ***** about their children like they are some kind of burden. "God I can't get them in bed fast enough. Mommy needs her wine". This attitude is rampant in my peer group and its tiring.

I don't want to be a helicopter parent but my job is to protect my kid.

I was also this shy timid little kid that got picked on and made fun of and beat on to the point that in high school, I checked out mentally and became a major loner, tried things I wish I hadn't, and hung out w/ the only crowd that would accept me which was not the best of crowds. The music was good though.

That was the solution 20 years ago. Nowadays, 12 year olds are hanging themselves. Read that again. 12 year olds. I am not really worried about that type of thing yet but in a world full of tough guys, how does a guy that prays every night that for one day everyone will just be nice to him get comfort? I told him tonight "You are young for such a brief period of time and it all goes away one day and you just have to get through this part" he started sobbing and saying "I just want to get past this part and have people be nice even if its just for a day"

I called the school and politely ripped them a new one for not noticing that this had happened. I made sure to note that this was the 3rd or 4th time something like this has happened and I haven't gone all "entitled overprotective parent " on them yet but this keeps happening and no one is looking.

Most of this happens in the extended school day program after school where some college interns are supposed to be watching the kids but are clearly not paying that close attention. In November one of these interns cussed and my daughter goes "OOOH you said a bad word" he said "If you promise not to tell, I will give you a dollar. And he did. He paid her a dollar not to tell. Think about that for a minute. My daughter is a tough smart little cookie. She came home right away and said "This isn't right, Mr. Bryant gave me a dollar not to share a secret" She is an ace. But what if she wasn't?

This is one of the best school systems in the state. One of the reasons we moved here. That and the crazy high property taxes seemed fun to pay.

Anyway, I am mad and I don't know how to proceed. Maybe I say suck it up and cut your chops but that doesn't feel right to me. What do ya do when your kid is a target because he is too nice? I can answer a million other dad questions, but this one is causing me to lose sleep.

Being a dad is pretty easy until its not.

I can take them out of the extended day program but that leads to Question 2 (thread coming)

Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...
You and others won't like my answer but you need to get him out of public schools. I can give you a long answer as to why but that will just draw more criticism from POA. The short answer is that you need to put your kid in a better environment. Many schools nowadays are like Lord of the Flies and the pressure is immensely more intense than it was when we were kids. I feel sorry for children with personalities like your boy's because it makes life difficult until they can start to gain some control over their own circumstances. He will do well in the long run, but for now he needs someone to stand up for him. Public school isn't the only option. Your kid needs you to protect him, and you can't do that in much of the modern day public schools. That's only one aspect of it, the benefits can be tremendous. Our kids' school is wonderful in many regards, but primarily in that we know the teachers and we know that they are committed to the same principles that we are. One of those principles is providing a safe and secure environment for them to learn in. We had a very minor incident similar to what you describe and the teacher intervened immediately and called to get further guidance on how we wanted her to help correct the situation. She stepped in before there was any real bullying or intimidation. She could do that because of the environment the school provides for the children and the way it interacts with the parents.
 
Man it was hard to read this...I don't know what to tell you, im not a parent. However part of me says stay on the school and push them to be more proactive with this crap because Im sure they are getting training on how to handle bullies. The other part of me wants to say have your boy stand up for himself, he gets shoved shove back, but then I see this story that the teachers will see him pushing back and he get in trouble for starting something that he didn't. I don't know man its tough and I hate hearing about this!
But like Mathew I feel like it could build and build until one day he explodes which might not be a good thing.

How did the school react and handle when your boy got punched in the face??
 
Our 6 YO isn't at the age yet where there are real bullies. But, when he gets there, I'm comfortable with him taking up for himself in the situation where the school isn't providing adequate discipline/supervision/protection. I'll be OK staying home with him for a day or two if he ever gets into a scrape with bullies. My experience was that once you hurt a bully, even if you lost the fight, the bully would move on to easier targets.
 
His Dad flys a Cirrus, really, what did you expect?

Seriously, it's tough to see your kid go through stuff like this. We just try to raise my daughter to be the best person she can be, know that the she's loved, and try not to let azzholes bring her down.

Having briefly met you, and from what you have posted here about you and your wife, I think your kids will do just fine in life. It's still going to hurt sharing their growing pains.
 
If this has happened more than once, the school is aware and it's still an issue you need to hold the principal accountable. If the admin is not addressing this issue they are being negligent.

As far as advice for your son. Teach him to behave now how you want him to behave as an adult.

Personally I want my son to avoid physical conflict if possible, be polite/respectful to others and generally be a nice person......but when it's the only option know it's ok to use force to protect himself. By protect himself I mean minimum force necessary to get away and be safe. Obviously it's up to you and your better half to decide how you want your kids to turn out so that will affect what you teach him to do
 
Public schools are failing big time because of parent problems among many other things. Home schooling, charter schools, other private solutions have become popular as a result.
 
Find out what your son wants done. Make sure he knows he is heard. It can take a while for the truth to come out in this situation. Age 9 is way to young to think he might fight back as he is still striving for acceptance.

On another note the parents of the offending children must be confronted. They are the ones at fault here.
 
I spoke to the woman in charge and asked if the other kid's parents were notified that he punched a kid?
If my kid punches a kid, I want to be informed so I can solve the problem.
 
Clark1961 said:
he is still striving for acceptance.
Click to expand...

HUGE!!!! This is one thing I notice. Kids pick on him and 2 days later he says "I think Brady likes me now. He was nice to me today."
He wants to be accepted by these kids that at times treat him like ****.
 
Cooter said:
You and others won't like my answer but you need to get him out of public schools. I can give you a long answer as to why but that will just draw more criticism from POA. The short answer is that you need to put your kid in a better environment. Many schools nowadays are like Lord of the Flies and the pressure is immensely more intense than it was when we were kids. I feel sorry for children with personalities like your boy's because it makes life difficult until they can start to gain some control over their own circumstances. He will do well in the long run, but for now he needs someone to stand up for him. Public school isn't the only option. Your kid needs you to protect him, and you can't do that in much of the modern day public schools. That's only one aspect of it, the benefits can be tremendous. Our kids' school is wonderful in many regards, but primarily in that we know the teachers and we know that they are committed to the same principles that we are. One of those principles is providing a safe and secure environment for them to learn in. We had a very minor incident similar to what you describe and the teacher intervened immediately and called to get further guidance on how we wanted her to help correct the situation. She stepped in before there was any real bullying or intimidation. She could do that because of the environment the school provides for the children and the way it interacts with the parents.
Click to expand...
I want to add that two of the primary roles of fatherhood is providing and protecting. Let the namecallers jump in with their trite accusations of helicopter parenting. To he!! with them and their foolish opinions. Your kid looks to you to protect him and it is up to you to provide the right environment so that he can develop his potential. Don't let him be shaped by the Cretans and be reduced to fighting to establish himself. Many of those little brigands in the making are already on the path to destruction. Don't let them be the ones who influence and shape him and steal from the him sweet nature he's been blessed with.
 
I'm not a dad... although that may change in the next year... but I did get picked on in school so I know things from that perspective.

My father was supportive too like you seem to be, he tried calling the school, suggested some self-defense moves, etc.... in the end though I had to handle it on my own. The faculty listened to his call but what can they really do? They can't really watch all the kids all the time and the kids, especially the type doing this stuff, are probably very good at avoiding being seen. They can talk to the bullies... but from what I remember that only caused me to lose more respect.

What eventually worked for me is first I knew I had value and a lot of that came from having supportive parents, I always understood that these were just ignorant/mean fools I was dealing with. Second I learned to NEVER back down or let myself be bullied. They could say things, they could hit, shove, etc but I realized that the only way they win is if I gave in. Third I had good friends I could group up with and not be a target.

The best thing you can do is just be a caring parent who cares about him and make sure he knows you are always someone he can come to for help. I would certainly keep listening just in case things get to a point where things are dangerous but he'll have to fight his own battles and figure out his own way. I know it is probably hard to just watch, probably was for my dad to but this is just how these things go. If nothing else, it's a learning experience where we find out how to deal with the crappy people we all inevitably have to deal with during the course of our adult lives.

FWIW as a former kid I think you're doing pretty good.
 
One of the hardest parts of being a dad is that it is pretty much all on-the-job training.
 
Matthew said:
One of the hardest parts of being a dad is that it is pretty much all on-the-job training.
Click to expand...
That's no joke. I can't tell you how many times I have told someone that I have been at this for almost 10 years but every day I feel like a new dad because the game changes so frequently. Anyone can be a dad and keep their kids alive but my goal is to be engaged from day 1 until they are self sufficient. It makes me more empathetic than I ever expected. I am so far beyond this stuff but working through challenges with both kids brings me back to a place where I hadn't yet crossed over to where I am now which is a place where I kinda have a tool for every situation. They have very few tools at this point and it is hard to determine where I say "Son, here is a tool" and when to say "You're going to have to make your own"
 
Same thoughts as Cooter. Private school.

In the early 70s integration started in my part of Texas. After one year my parents spent money they really didn't have sending me to a private military school. I wasn't the kind of kid that stood still while a bully tried to pick on me, but it was usually 3,4,5 or more against me and I tried to take them all on, and that was mostly the reason I was taken out of pubic school.

And I am not suggesting military school. But getting me out of those situations helped me finish high school. And at that time the school board really did not want to hear about any problems with kids picking on other kids and would just expel the student of the complaining parent(s).

It sounds to me that you are a great caring parent and I am sure that your kids will grow up into fine, outstanding adults. I wish you all the best for taking on this problem.
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
HUGE!!!! This is one thing I notice. Kids pick on him and 2 days later he says "I think Brady likes me now. He was nice to me today."
He wants to be accepted by these kids that at times treat him like ****.
Click to expand...
That's sad. I'm not a parent, but I remember my dad telling me not to put much stock into what others thought about me. I was not very social, though I eventually learned to embrace being different. In many ways, I'm glad that I was not protected, and learned how to interact with all different types of people. But I wasn't all that happy as a kid.
 
Last edited:
It's a tough environment out there. Plenty of very selfish parents who don't pay attention to their kids, so their kids misbehave, usually to get some attention. But the oblivious parents then "protect" their "perfect little Johnny who won't hurt anyone" which only emboldens the kid to do more hateful, wrongful things.

Martial arts is good to know, but learning how to use it is important too. I have had discussions with my son about his Wushu Kung Fu lessons, and he is apprehensive of hurting anyone. But he knows he can defend himself. Watching movies like the Karate Kid (seriously) helped me to explain to my son the difference between attacking and defending yourself.

It's a tough world out there, and it's natural to want to protect your children. But you won't always be near by in case of an incident. Better to teach your son when it's appropriate to defend himself, and when it's appropriate to walk away.
 
Matthew said:
One of the hardest parts of being a dad is that it is pretty much all on-the-job training.
Click to expand...
I appreciate the sentiment but that doesn't have to be the case. Raising kids is not something that should be done solely by trial and error. To some extent it has to be, but that trial and error process should only take place within the framework of a deliberate plan. Study and application can provide real insights into parenting but not many people prepare themselves in that way or even consider it as a means of development as a parent.
 
Just became a father recently, so no real-life experience to impart, but here's a few thoughts:

1) Your child's temperament is not the problem by any means, but at some point, he may need to actually defend himself. If he likes Karate, maybe get him into wrestling. If he can tackle the next bully who messes with him, the ground is not where a bully wants to meet a wrestler.

2) Friends. If your child hangs out in a group of friends, even just 1 or 2 kids, the bullies are much less likely to engage. It's not avoidance, but deterrence.

3) Public vs Private school to solve a bullying problem is horse****. The same bullies will be at a Private school, and you'll just be paying more for it. If you're in a good school system, there's no reason to look into Private schools. I grew up around a lot of kids from both schools, and the kids at Private schools were just as screwed up as the public school kids.

4) Keep after the school administration to get the issue resolved. Squeaky wheel gets the grease and all that. You show up on premises a few times and I bet they take notice.

I sincerely hope it gets resolved soon for the sake of both of you. It's got to be tough seeing a kind-hearted child having such a rough go of it. I was never really bullied too much as a kid, but I do know that my father only intervened one time. Some neighborhood kids who were 2-3yrs older had gotten me by myself and roughed me up a bit. My father drove to the boys house and scared the hell out of them (and the boy's mother) by sheer volume of his voice. I never saw those kids around my neighborhood again, lol.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Last edited:
Instead of private school, live where the families are of better quality, then the public schools are fine.

I realize that's not an easy solution, but it is a solution.

To name one place, Minneapolis. There are some exceptionally good public schools there.
 
SoonerAviator said:
3) Public vs Private school to solve a bullying problem is horse****. The same bullies will be at a Private school, and you'll just be paying more for it. If you're in a good school system, there's no reason to look into Private schools. I grew up around a lot of kids from both schools, and the kids at Private schools were just as screwed up as the public school kids.
Click to expand...

Exactly. My wife is a teacher in one of the wealthiest private schools in the southeast, and the problems those kids have are sometimes way worse than "normal" public school kids.
As an example of private school life (this was in an extremely wealthy private school in UWS Manhattan), there was a kid with a terrible attitude, but the parents won't believe that their special snowflake could be a troublemaker. This was 4th grade.
He was playing a game on his laptop when they were supposed to be working on a reading project. Teacher asked him what's going on, and the kid sent a message to his mom immediately saying "the teacher is bullying me".
The parents told the teachers in a meeting that their children (they have 4 in that school) should not be "forced" to do things they really do not enjoy doing (such as reading, they prefer to play computer games during class). Problem is, the parents are major donors to the school, in public schools this would not be such a big deal, but in private schools it is. So the school decided the child can play computers when everyone else is reading.

Problem is almost always the parents, hardly ever the kids. Find an area with decent people and the schools will reflect that, no matter if they are private or public.
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
I spoke to the woman in charge and asked if the other kid's parents were notified that he punched a kid?
If my kid punches a kid, I want to be informed so I can solve the problem.
Click to expand...

I hate to tell you this, but there's plenty of parents out there who upon receiving a "notification" that their kid did something bad, will hang up the phone and go back to watching Jeopardy and not be the slightest bit interested in "solving the problem". Worse yet there's parents (stretching the term a bit, let's call them sperm and egg donors) who'll hang up and congratulate little Timmy for being a little badass.

You need to ask for a face to face at the school with them. At the very least you'll be able to form a reasoned opinion about whether or not they give a crap, which may lead to understanding their kid's behavior better.

And it'll annoy the hell out of them that they have to attend if they're the stupid or evil sort. Gives 'em some minor but real consequences for their kid's behavior.

Until you meet those parents you have no idea what's driving their little one-night-stand oopsie-the-condom-broke brat to do what he does.

Or maybe they'll show up and truly be concerned. Don't hold your breath on that one. But make them have to do something.

"Notifications" end up a note that gets thrown out by the abusive alcoholic "dad" with a belch from his six pack as he tells the kid "good job" standing up for himself and fighting.

'Merica.
 
That's too bad. Kids can be mean. I defended a few kids that were picked on when I was a kid, lucky I never got beat up.

You're being too passive. You need to make a bigger deal of it with the school system, bullying has to stop.

Your kid needs to make friends with a big football player.
 
denverpilot said:
I hate to tell you this, but there's plenty of parents out there who upon receiving a "notification" that their kid did something bad, will hang up the phone and go back to watching Jeopardy and not be the slightest bit interested in "solving the problem". Worse yet there's parents (stretching the term a bit, let's call them sperm and egg donors) who'll hang up and congratulate little Timmy for being a little badass.
.
Click to expand...

And plenty of parents who have kids in private schools who think "we pay them $40k a year, they should deal with our child's problems. Now let me get back to my tennis lessons" or "we are multibillionaires, our children are special, just like we are. It's got to be the other child's fault!".

Decent people raise decent kids. There are a**holes in every socioeconomic group. Sounds like 6PC is doing a great job by identifying and reacting to it, the only way to solve a problem like this is active parent participation from both sides.
 
This isn't an answer, but it seems like the key here is that your awesome kid hasn't learned that some people are not worthy to be his friends. If he doesn't learn to avoid "bad" people now, he's going to get caught up in something really bad when he gets older. I don't mean run away, or avoid problems, I mean mentally understanding that he doesn't need friends that treat others badly. It's a GOOD thing if they are not his friends. As someone else says, he needs to hang around with people that aren't behaving badly.

Also not an answer, but might be helpful, dunno.... I was a lot like you describe your kid. I never fought back, was constantly bullied. In 8th grade I'd had enough and blew up on a bully. Guy was twice my size and had friends to back him up. This guy messed with me every day for years and never got caught. I went total psycho on him, and, of course, I got caught standing up to him and got suspended until I apologized. I refused to apologize. Parents backed me up and put me in a Christian school instead for a couple years and I went back to public school in a different district for junior and senior years in HS. I guess I'm saying I agree from personal experience that your son might bottle things up and react in a way you unexpect, and it might not be like I did.
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
This isn't satire so go ahead and move along.

I'm a good dad.
That's the only thing I will truly claim to be good at.
Pilot? meh, employee? B+, Smart? average. Dad? I'm the best!

But I'm perplexed and could use tips from other dads that may have sound advice.
My son is sweet to a fault. Anything I give him, he splits in 2 and gives half to his sister.
I give him money for chores and he asks if we can give it to kids that don't have money.
He is very sensitive, approaches everyone with hopes of them being a new friend, and doesn't seem to have a hateful bone in his body.

Today he came home from school and some boys had been stealing his backpack and throwing it and making him chase it and he would go get it and they would take some of his other things and it went on and on until he had enough. He stood up to a kid and said "knock it off" The kid punched my son in the face. He's 9.

My son is really good at karate and I have told him if ever cornered, and you are out of options, do what you have to do I will never punish you for fighting as long as you don't start it. If you start it, you and me have a problem. He seems to understand that.

Truth is, he is never going to hit anyone though. He is a timid sweet little boy and as such, a natural target. The kids have picked up on this and we happen to live in a town full of red neck *******s that are raising ****ty kids. I swear my generation are the worst parents ever. I don't have many friends that are parents right now because I am fed up with hearing people ***** about their children like they are some kind of burden. "God I can't get them in bed fast enough. Mommy needs her wine". This attitude is rampant in my peer group and its tiring.

I don't want to be a helicopter parent but my job is to protect my kid.

I was also this shy timid little kid that got picked on and made fun of and beat on to the point that in high school, I checked out mentally and became a major loner, tried things I wish I hadn't, and hung out w/ the only crowd that would accept me which was not the best of crowds. The music was good though.

That was the solution 20 years ago. Nowadays, 12 year olds are hanging themselves. Read that again. 12 year olds. I am not really worried about that type of thing yet but in a world full of tough guys, how does a guy that prays every night that for one day everyone will just be nice to him get comfort? I told him tonight "You are young for such a brief period of time and it all goes away one day and you just have to get through this part" he started sobbing and saying "I just want to get past this part and have people be nice even if its just for a day"

I called the school and politely ripped them a new one for not noticing that this had happened. I made sure to note that this was the 3rd or 4th time something like this has happened and I haven't gone all "entitled overprotective parent " on them yet but this keeps happening and no one is looking.

Most of this happens in the extended school day program after school where some college interns are supposed to be watching the kids but are clearly not paying that close attention. In November one of these interns cussed and my daughter goes "OOOH you said a bad word" he said "If you promise not to tell, I will give you a dollar. And he did. He paid her a dollar not to tell. Think about that for a minute. My daughter is a tough smart little cookie. She came home right away and said "This isn't right, Mr. Bryant gave me a dollar not to share a secret" She is an ace. But what if she wasn't?

This is one of the best school systems in the state. One of the reasons we moved here. That and the crazy high property taxes seemed fun to pay.

Anyway, I am mad and I don't know how to proceed. Maybe I say suck it up and cut your chops but that doesn't feel right to me. What do ya do when your kid is a target because he is too nice? I can answer a million other dad questions, but this one is causing me to lose sleep.

Being a dad is pretty easy until its not.

I can take them out of the extended day program but that leads to Question 2 (thread coming)

Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...

10 years ago, I could have written this exact post, to a "T"...I mean everything, me as an A+ dad (but mainly B on everything else in my life), my son being sweet and non-violent but liking karate, my son having bully problems, etc.

What worked for us, was the realization that our son HAD TO CHANGE. Part of that realization sucks, because it was put on us, and I liked how my son was caring and non-violent...but we live in a violent world, and we have to prepare our kids for that. Basically, I changed my son's attitude from "I'd never hit back", to "sometimes we MUST hit back". Once we convinced him of this, it worked surprisingly well. He literally stopped, and I mean stopped, any other bully problems, P-E-R-I-O-D. He actually developed a reputation of being the school "bully stopper" to the point that he was elected as his junior high school president on a "Stop Bullying" campaign...a few years later, he got in a fist fight at his high school, and instead of being subjected to the school's automatic suspension policy for fighting, due to his well-known reputation (as well as school surveillance video showing he was backed into a corner) he was able to argue that both he and the kid he fought stay and speak to the other kids at an assembly. The school agreed and he continued to bolster his reputation. That high school fight/assembly was four years ago now, and he never had a problem at school since then.
 
Last edited:
I was a target in Jr. High School... Not by one, but a gang of bullies that hung together and picked on more than one of the less popular kids... Then they really focused on making me their main target, throwing my books down the stairs, pushing me out of the lunch line, and goading me for a fight. It came to a head when they threatened to attack me after school... I got on the bus and saw them running through the crowd looking for me, eventually finding me, and pulling me off the bus. The leader attacked me and when the dust settled he was as bloodied as I was... They never bothered me or my friends again after that. So as stated above, bullies will be bullies until they are confronted... whether you win or lose they will probably move on to easier targets. I know this doesn't help much but to reinforce what was said by kyleb and 1RTK1... My parents both worked and I was raised to handle my problems without too much parental intervention, but I wish adults, especially those entrusted with our kids during school hours would be more proactive about this kind of thing...
Going through this will be part of the process of forming the man he will become. As hard as it may be to watch, he is learning a valuable lesson. Today, it is better that he greets new acquaintances with a healthy amount of skepticism, making them earn his trust and friendship. But ultimately, if you don't think that this will be resolved, especially if you fear for his safety, pull him out of that environment, IMMEDIATELY!
 
Our three girls went to private school after elementary school; elementary school ends at 5th grade in Georgia. I can tell you the experience in private school is quite different from public school. In public school it is very challenging to kick the "bad" kids out of school. In private school it is the polar opposite, very easy to kick them out. In Atlanta there are 4 or more kids for every spot in the private schools. You misbehave and you can get booted. It's part of the written policy. The school our kids were at has moved to random drug testing, and all of the faculty are drug tested. Kids get booted for drugs, violence and bad grades. Parents are largely successful college educated professionals and want their kids to succeed.

In the public schools it's a mix of good, mediocre and bad parents, which leads to a mix from the kids as well. Plus the kids see that there is little downside for the kids that don't behave well.

I can tell you that through the private school experience our kids were exceptionally well prepared for college. They were often stunned by their classmates in the freshman year by how poorly those classmates were prepared for college. One of our kids talked about how in a lab class many of the kids had no idea how to write a lab report. Her classmates were surprised she couldn't even remember how many lab reports she'd written; too many to remember.

We don't have any boys, so I can't help you as much. With girls the bullying tends to be more verbal and emotional. There's a lack of a physical element that is present in bullying by boys. That and our girls are not shy. To the extent we're happy our middle daughter has a boyfriend, as she "doesn't suffer fools gladly." :eek: They are smart, athletic and sure of themselves, which can be a bit daunting for many guys their age.

Unfortunately, as someone has already said, your son is going to have to come to the realization that he will need to deal with it. There is more than one way to deal with it, but he's going to have to find the way that works for him and do it.

Best of luck.
 
I 100% agree that private school is not the answer. I spent most of my life in private schools and the bullying there was just as bad, if not worse, than what I witnessed during my years in public schools. Teachers not only didn't care, they saw and turned a purposefully blind eye. Even when it was one of their own (a teacher) doing wrong.

In a way, I think private schools are worse because there's $$$ and elites involved, and the teachers cowardly stick together because they are too afraid of the consequences if they dare to do the right thing.

There's no easy answer here, Bryan. Just keep being an amazing dad, make sure your child always knows that they are safe at home and get in the principal's face every single time this crap happens. Even if it means daily. Maybe they'll eventually get sick enough of you to do something about it.

My son is very much like yours and just about to go off to 'big kid' school. This kind of thing scares me.
 
Had a chance to sleep on this. This may sound mean but I do mean well, it seems there are some similarities to the way you described how your son still hangs around with at least one kid that picks on him, the Brady kid, and the way some abused wives keep coming back to their husbands. Maybe it's just that he can't understand there are people out there that are simply just mean and that he can do better.

Someone else said it above, think about wrestling. It forces you to accept physical contact. Where my folks live there is a woman who is big into taekwondo. Big into it, like International competition big. She said the hardest thing for her to accept, when she was young and just getting started, was that it was OK to sometimes hit another person. Sparring was really hard for her until she got over that. Maybe his karate classes are the kind that never really hit another person vs the kind that put on pads and spar?

As far as defending himself, you might put it a different way to him, a way a good 9 yo kid might understand. Instead of saying something like "If he hits you, hit him back" change it to "Don't let him hit you". I dunno, he's young and the world is a hard place and I don't have any answers either, just suggestions.
 
Both my kids, now 23 and 20 went to private school most of their lives. We had a great experience and our kids I believe were better for it. My son was bullied some in public school I told him the same thing just hall off and belt the kid if he touches you but he wouldn't do it.

In our case the private was a small Christian school under a few hundred students with a large boarding population it was an excellent cross cultural experience for them exposing them to kids from all over the world. Certainly not some elite school where the parents are not involved. My son just graduated from college and my daughter is a sophomore in college.

I am not a fan of public school. Here in a VERY rural town the local public costs just shy of $20,000 a year per kid. No that is not an exaggeration and here in the northeast you get all the agenda and crap that goes along with that. Our private is less than half the cost for non-boarding students. I am really hoping we get to a voucher system and/or a public system that is more competitive and allows parents to enroll their kids anywhere and closes failing schools. My kids are done but I still care about yours.

Good luck. Just your knowing and caring about what your kid is doing in school is a HUGE advantage for them.
 
Cajun_Flyer said:
I 100% agree that private school is not the answer. I spent most of my life in private schools and the bullying there was just as bad, if not worse, than what I witnessed during my years in public schools. Teachers not only didn't care, they saw and turned a purposefully blind eye. Even when it was one of their own (a teacher) doing wrong.

In a way, I think private schools are worse because there's $$$ and elites involved, and the teachers cowardly stick together because they are too afraid of the consequences if they dare to do the right thing.

There's no easy answer here, Bryan. Just keep being an amazing dad, make sure your child always knows that they are safe at home and get in the principal's face every single time this crap happens. Even if it means daily. Maybe they'll eventually get sick enough of you to do something about it.

My son is very much like yours and just about to go off to 'big kid' school. This kind of thing scares me.
Click to expand...

Some private schools are good and some are not. I have four kids and each went to a variety of schools including home schooling in the early years. There are six major private schools in our area and five of the six have, or have had, issues with parents with money getting to throw their weight around. (Our kids attended four of the six at different times and many of our friends kids attend the other ones - so we've heard the stories and lived some of it). The one our youngest daughter goes to now does not have those issues, period. I can't say they never did or won't in the future but their financial position seems to be quite stable and I think that has a lot to do with it. Others do to varying degrees (and it can change as kids graduate or leave and parents who throw their money and weight around move on).

In short, the private school option is not as simple as "private schools good/bad" and "public schools good/bad".

As to your initial question 6PC, ouch. We want to see our kids be happy and do well. I think somehow your son's got to learn to stand up for himself as much as it sucks. The school probably can't fix it even with the best intentions. Kids are to resourceful and determined. A different school (ala the private school option) might help, but check the school out very carefully. If there's a systemic problem at your kids school (which your daughter's experience would seem to indicate) then pushing them to fix that is a good idea. But it may not help with the bullying. Bullies find ways. (Heck, even "good" kids find ways to escape supervision. I certainly did-though I was not a bully. I was a victim).

John
 
a punch to the face surely left some evidence you can show the school? it has to be documented somehow with the school, so that if/when your boy gets in touch with his inner ninja that you can at least say "I told you so" to the school.
  • continue to teach your boy that you (your whole family) are g o o d people, not bad. that you don't hurt people, you help people. even take him on a volunteer mission so you can say 'see, this is who WE are, we help people'.
  • use karate to stress that it is the last line of defense, and that avoidance is the first line of defense (I don't know if that is technically correct from a martial arts standpoint but I think it's close). and avoidance by being smarter, not by running.
  • if ALL else fails, make sure he gets the first punch in. seriously. makes a statement, stuns your opponent, gives you the upper hand, and most likely allows enough time for the fight to be broken up. ask a 7th grade eman1200 how he knows this.
by the way, eman went to a boarding school in NY one year in high school and I have far crazier stories to tell from there than from public high school. remind me when we're all liquored up hanging around a campfire, I'll start talkin.
 
oh yeah, one more thing........don't listen to me, wtf do I know? I really just wanted an opportunity to use bullet points.
  • there I go again!
    • woah!
 
I was that kid you are talking about until I had enough and nearly killed a kid in 7th grade. We were waiting for the school to open and he came up behind me and pushed me down. I got up and talked him and after wrestling for a few minutes got him in a headlock and choked him out. No one bothered me after that but I felt bad for years every time I saw him and was afraid what I would do if someone every hit me again. I got over it, went to the Naval Academy, joined the Marines and recently retired. I taught my son (a little guy who at full height is 5'8") never to hit anyone but never to let anyone get away with hitting him. If he was ever hit, he was to, not push, but hit his assailant in the chest. It's a big target, it doesn't cause damage, it doesn't hurt your hand but it does send a message. He did it twice in middle school. No issues since then. He's now teaching his daughter to stand up for herself in the same way.
The keys are 1) never be the aggressor; 2) never get in a fight with a gang; 3) weakness invites attack; and 4) be as aggressive and violent as you can be when you retaliate. It sounds harsh but it is what is needed when dealing with bullies.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top