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Discussion in 'Hangar Talk' started by Let'sgoflying!, Feb 9, 2007.
How were you taught holds?
Well, now we know what USN pilots are daydreaming about while they fly...
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem ****ed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
over the coffee table and farted.
Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above he cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?”
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one. . . right here.”
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, “Tell me, little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?”
“That’s simple. By the nail over its stall,” Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?”
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”
Gives new importance to practicing protected airspace entries.
Not exactly a joke, but you will giggle. Read the comments,too!
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.
And finally, while you’re passed out and lazy after your Thansgiving dinner, be thankful you’re not highly motivated.
Happy Thanksgiving, all!
Seems like they were overly careful to make that look like an Arby’s hat.
A grumpy old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was a lot of young ladies in gala and one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative,young lady. I am just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action in your duty.”
“Yes,young lady, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy of music and vine.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you made love?”
“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1958! She took his hand and led him to a empty room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Thereafter, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1958.”
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2115 now.”
Ronald joins a very exclusive nudist community. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to walk around.
A gorgeous brunette walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The brunette notices Ronald’s erection, comes over to him and asks, “Did you call for me?”
Ronald replies, “No,what do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a law here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.”
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Ronald continues to explore the community. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within seconds a gigantic,bearded guy lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
“Did you call for me?” says the gigantic guy.
“No, what do you mean?” says the rookie Ronald.
“You must be new,” says the gigantic guy, “it’s a law that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.”
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The rookie Ronald staggers back to the community management office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked hot clerk.
“May I help you?” she says.
Ronald yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the 1000 bucks membership fee.”
“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”
Ronald replies, “Listen young lady, I’m 70 years old. I only get an erection once in a month.But I fart 20 times a day.”
George Bush becomes very sick and dies. He goes to Hell where the Lucifer is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do,” says the Lucifer. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here. So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I’ll even let you decide who leaves.”
George Bush thought that sounded enough good so he agreed.
The Lucifer opened the first room’s door. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his destiny in Hell.
“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long .”
The Lucifer led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of giant rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No! I’ve got this problem with my arm. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.
The Lucifer opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton sitting naked on the chair with his arms staked over his head and he spreads his legs.Monica Lewinsky on the knees, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in doubt for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”
The Lucifer smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”
I went to an automated teller machine yesterday.
While I was there a little old lady asked me if I could please check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says,
'Private property - Stay Out!'"
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it.
That is my ball there.
May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back
and throws it into the yard.
The man says, "What is that for?"
The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman,
and I believe every prick should have two balls."
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor'
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
Boy, ain't that the truth. Indian accents are sometime a bitch to deal with. Otoh, I have personally met people from India who have better command of the English Language than most Americans. It is a second language for them and they strive to get it right. Kudos to those who do. Pans for those who are tech reps for American companies that don't give a damn.
City guy goes duck hunting and shoots a duck that lands in the country boy's yard. City guy goes onto his property to grab the duck, and country boy says, "That's MY duck! It landed in my yard, it's mine." City guy says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I shot that duck fair and square, so it's mine!" They argue for a few minutes, then country boy says, "I reckon we have to solve this like we normally do out here in the country." City guy says, "How's that?" Country boy says, "We take turns kicking each other in the privates until someone gives up." City guy, still new to the ways of the country folk, says, "Well, OK." Country boy says, "Since it's my property, I get to go first." City guy braces himself for the impact, and country boy hauls his leg back and then kicks with all his might. City guy has that sort of delayed reaction, where his eyes get really wide, and then finally the pain hits. He doubles over with his forehead and feet the only parts of his body touching the ground as his hands grab the struck area. He falls over onto one side, then curls up, and that's when the screaming, crying, and sobbing starts. After 30 minutes or so, he's able to finally stand back up. He tells country boy to get ready, because he's going to give him all that, and more. Country boy says, "I give up, you can have the duck."
I’ll see Matthews country duck and raise stakes with one from Long Island...
The Reading of the Will
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the city centre."
"Sarah my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings.
As Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
The wife replies,
"The ******* just had a paper route!"
José and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as José, but collects only about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.
José brings home a suitcase full of $10 dollar bills every day. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to José, "I work just as long and hard as you do... so how come you bring home a suitcase full of $10 dollar bills every day?"
José says, “Look at your sign... what does it say?"
Carlos reads his sign: "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!" says José.
Carlos says, “All right, what is on your sign?"
José shows him:
I wonder if I could use that sign as an angle for a GoFundMe Campaign?
So a moth goes into a podiatrists office.
"Come in," says the podiatrist, "What's the problem?"
The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says "What's the problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I've gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we've ever had to face in this region. Isn't it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn't that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there's my son. Doc, I don't love him anymore. I don't know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn't such a coward, Doc, I know I'd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrel in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I'd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I'm judgemental yet I care about nothing. I'm bitter, hateful and afraid. I'm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease."
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says "Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I'm a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why'd you come in here?"
The moth says, "Your light was on."
Here's the "live" version:
You could study all of the volumes and never pass that test with any more than a B.
That Pet Sweep is an empty box that you buy to put another gift in.
It makes for a pretty cool gag gift - I did that a couple of years ago.
Ever notice when you walk into Subway and you walk out, how you smell like subway for the rest of the day..? The Pizza Hut cologne must substitute it, so you can get the smell without having to go in the building!
A favorite of mine at Chinese auction xmas parties is to take 6 or so cans of tuna, stack them up and tape them, and then very nicely wrap them to resemble a bottle of booze. Cost of tuna $6. Look on booze hounds face when they realize they have 6 cans of starkist? Priceless......