Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

flyingriki said:
Ok, I'll try one, unusually non-political, and see if the touchy-feely censors here leave it alone...
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, “What's your hurry?”

To which she replied, “I'm late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”

“I'm a rectum stretcher” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what”????

“A rectum stretcher!”

“And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?” he asked

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge”

Traffic Ticket $398.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
Click to expand...

:eek: that's a stretch!
 
iu
 
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Springfield, Missouri awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Missouri State University.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks... "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin".
 
A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating shrimp. Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring to dodge or deflect it. He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she'd had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his total disdain of women.
She got up and pulled the train's emergency cord. The Muslim looked at her and said, "you'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid, worthless Catholic infidel *****".

She smiled and said, "listen Haji, in 3 seconds when I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 25 years in prison, you diaper headed Islamic POS."
 
An old pilot sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him….


She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'


He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Taylorcrafts, Cessnas, Pipers, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
 
BAD joke for a Friday. (credit goes to my friend who makes these up as he goes :) )
Brace yourself: (you have been forewarned)
"Did you hear about the Middle Easterner that attacked the sports enthusiast?" - "The Shiite hit the fan."
 
mscard88 said:
A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating shrimp. Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring to dodge or deflect it. He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she'd had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his total disdain of women.
She got up and pulled the train's emergency cord. The Muslim looked at her and said, "you'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid, worthless Catholic infidel *****".

She smiled and said, "listen Haji, in 3 seconds when I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 25 years in prison, you diaper headed Islamic POS."
Click to expand...

Where's the humor?
 
My first stop here. This ones probably been done but I ain't readin all 66 pages to check. Old joke, drunk pilots were in the news and they were all gettin accused of just sittin in the cockpit talking while the plane flew itself.

Man walks in to the saloon with a turd on one shoulder, and a cat on the other. Walks up to the bar and says "whiskey." Bar keep pours a shot, man gulps it down, throws the turd in the air. He pulls a pistol out of his pocket and shoots the turd. Cat jumps off his shoulder and runs out the door with the man chasing after. Four days later he walks in again with turd and cat, walks to the bar and says "whiskey." Barkeep asks him what the hell he's doing. "I'm
Training to be a pilot" he says. Barkeep says "huh." Yup, get drunk, shoot sheet, chase poosie, four days off.
 
gkainz said:
SWIFT - Sure Wish I had a Faster Truck.
Click to expand...

Sure Wish I Finished Training
Sure Wish I Fueled Today (when sitting on the side of the road)
So What, I'm a F*cking Trainee
...

I could go all day. Swift is terrible, always be sure to give 'em a wide berth!

And while we're on truck jokes... This one works for airplanes too:

What's the difference between a Freightliner (Cessna) and a Jehovah's Witness?



You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness. :goofy:
 
"Rednecks revisited" a POA-hosted pdf -ie safe to dl
 

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After a eleven-month deployment to the Western Pacific the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at San Diego's North Island Navy base.
Looking down from the bridge the ship's Captain noticed a sailor on the flight deck waving intently with semaphore flags. He also spotted an attractive young woman standing on top of a mini-van in the parking lot who was waving semaphore flags.
Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this before, the Captain barked at his duty signalman, "What message are those two people sending?"
The signalman concentrated intently and quickly reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT (FF) and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT (EF)."
Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine to escort the flag waving sailor up to the bridge.
The young sailor arrived, out of breath from climbing up the many ladders leading to the bridge, saluted smartly, and said, "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!"
"Seaman", the said Captain gruffly, "who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF with her?"
"Sir, that's my wife, sir, and she wants to eat first!"
 
A boy went to buy condoms for the first time. Embarrassed, he asked the pharmacist for help.
The man asked, "Do you want the 6-pack, 9-pack or the 12-pack?"
The boy asks, "What's the difference?"
"Well, the 6-pack is for our Greek customers. One for Monday, one for Tuesday,
one for Wednesday, one for Thursday, one for Friday and one for Saturday - but never on Sunday."
"OK, what about the 9-pack?"
"That's for our engaged couples. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, one for Wednesday, one for Thursday, one for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
The kid thinks this is sounding good so he asks, "And the 12-pack?"
"Ah, that's for our married couples. One for January, one for February,......"
 
After an airliner encounters a particularly rough patch of turbulence, the captain comes on the intercom to reassure the passengers that everything is okay and that the flight should be smooth one the rest of the way. He forgets to turn off the intercom, however, and everyone in the passenger cabin hears his subsequent comment to the co-pilot: "Boy, I sure could use a blow job and a cup of coffee right about now!" As a flight attendant frantically rushes up the aisle towards the cockpit to warn the captain that his microphone is open, a waggish passenger calls out after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
 
My favorite joke and my opener for all my speaking engagements-

Why is an elephant Big, Grey and Wrinkled?




Because if it was Small, White and round it would be and aspirin!
 
Probably a repeat but still cracks me up! Hope it offends SOMEBODY!
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,
sitting down, naked or with clothes on… It doesn't matter to me. I just love it.”
His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,
"No kidding... I'm in Government too.
Are you federal or state?"
 
I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my butt and said, "You're kind of cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yea, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
 
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."
 
A southern gentleman went to Las Vegas .

Sitting in a cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!", gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Why yes, replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all.

But where ah come from in Alabama , we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."
 
May be another repeat but it SO relevant!
AT THE BAR
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,
sitting down, naked or with clothes on… It doesn't matter to me. I just love it.”
His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,
"No kidding... I'm in Government too.
Are you federal or state?"
 
You just posted that today on post a few posts up #2631 ^^^^. Happy hour out there? :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
 
Bob beat his wife senseless with a golf club...
The police officer asked "how many times did you hit her?"
Bob replied " oh I don't know, maybe four or five times. You better put me down for a four."
 
Florida woman stops alligator attack using a small Beretta pistol



This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!"

"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.... The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible."


"His insurance was the big bonus. I’m comfortable now."
 
See what guns can do to future ex-husbands? Ban Berettas! If that had been a 357 she wouldn't have able to fit it in her hand. :D
 
mscard88 said:
See what guns can do to future ex-husbands? Ban Berettas! If that had been a 357 she wouldn't have able to fit it in her hand. :D
Click to expand...
She could use both hands and put a hurt on anyone.
 
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