Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Disney/Pixar is continuing the series.

"Toy Story 4 - Mom's Toys". No Woody, but Buzz is a constant.
 
12106968_452430341614850_6485982466859010747_n.jpg
 
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'My Life' by Bill Clinton and 'Titanic'.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember anything .

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
 
One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Dave was taken aback. "And who's in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well."

Dave asked,"Can I borrow your dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
 
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
Do you really think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
 
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the CIA.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at LAX to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars", the owner says.
"$10!!?

But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.
 
A friend of mine, his 10 year old daughter came home from school crying.

He asked her what was wrong.

She told him that she is not allowed into the school library.

This upset my friend so he called the school to find out why his daughter is not allowed into the library.

He was told there is no reason and she can go there anytime she wants to.

My friend asked his daughter why she thought she was not allowed in the library.

She said she is not allowed because she wears glasses.

She started crying again and said I don't have super vision and need glasses so I am not allowed in the library....
 
Man calls home: (ring...)
Woman: Hello
Man: Honey, I'm in East Geblip and I'll be staying overnight until the morning when an A&P looks at the plane and tells me how many AMUs it's going to cost to fix. It will probably be several.
Woman: Oh, my and we were saving up for a nice vacation. But I suppose...
Man: I had to declare an emergency today. I was on an approach back to the Homefield when I realize that I lost the gyro. I informed ATC that I want to declare, went missed and began a climb back to VMC on partial panel. It took all of my concentration in the moderate turbulence.

As I began the climb, I pushed full power, reset the pitch trim, cleaned up gear and flaps, opened the cowl flaps while watching the engine monitor for rising temps, then dialed in some rudder trim so I can relax my leg. Then I could increase prop RPM for best climb while I get out of the soup, I checked that pitot heat was on and it was, so I turned my attention to the mixture to properly run lean of peak. All this while doing my inoperative gyro instruments partial panel scan.

Woman: Wow!
Man: Then just as I punched through on top, I heard a loud bang! A check of the panel revealed that I'd lost the alternator, and the bang I heard must have been the alternator belt. So I radioed ATC to tell them that I was going NORDO because I only had about 20mins reserve battery and needed to get to VMC about an hour away.

Some quick mental math said I should arrive with 1hr reserve, which should be enough for the night approach, since I noticed that the sun was just setting. That's when I realized that I could use the SVT on my iPad to let down and fly a non-precision circling approach at my alternate which I briefed at 1,000ft ceiling.

That's when I also realized that I had my cellphone and could call ATC and let them know my plan, so I did that. They gave me a number that I could use to text them updates on a regular basis. It was just too much, so I had to task shed with some CRM by giving my phone to Sharon to handle texting wit ATC.

Headwinds were higher than expected and with just 30mins fuel remaining, I did an amazing letdown through the ice, but because I didn't have electrical I didn't have pitot heat. I made the most amazing greaser and I'm glad to be on the ground.

Woman: That's nice dear. Who's Sharon?
Man: (silence....)...(dial tone...)
 
Last edited:
Young Lady is Dog setting for friends, late at night she hears a bunch of whining going on, goes to look, and find the dogs are engage and stuck as dogs do. She panics and calls the vet's emergency number, when he answers she explains, and asks how to get them apart.
he thinks a minute, then says " hang up, and lay the phone by the dogs" she then asks how that will do it?

he says "it worked on me".
 
This is probably here already, but it's new to me.

A man enters his son's room and says, "Tommy, if you keep masturbating you will go blind" to which the son replied, "Dad, I'm over here."
 
The Baptist & The Marine


A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Texas
After the plane took off, the Marine asked for a whiskey and soda,
which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute,
than let liquor touch my lips."

The Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
 
Not friday, but still worthy of a post....



A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves of teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears dressed in different outfits all along the bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears in every color covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy. To have such a large collection of teddy bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But she doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

'Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds.

And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:



















'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
 
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Navy pilot was seated
next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother
began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended
not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance
to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother
expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby,
and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician
said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure
in the baby's ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion
exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
 
Why some folks do not attend high school reunions.
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too, shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq.ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables and marijuana. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his pecker.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at WalMart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary says the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
 
A woman wrote to tech support, and
their reply is a stroke of genius.
This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both
family happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is
simply looking for an answer to her questions. How do you
maintain a relationship? How do you bring back the
excitement of the first date. She wrote a letter to the tech
support to find her answers. She sent the letter as a joke
and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an
email notification with a response.


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried
running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate



Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please
enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to
download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt
3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband
1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry
2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy
Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very
bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring
Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that
will eventually seize control of all your system
resources.)
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the
Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications
and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve
memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot
Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!’
 
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough!

:rofl:
 
A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."


I wish I could think that quickly.
 
A Little Irish Humor

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him & fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a 3 person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
 
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

An Irishman and a Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.

Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?

Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.

You put down, 'Neither do I.'
 
One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump.
("fixin to" in Texas means getting ready to)
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."
He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo ."
He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''

She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart!-You just go ahead and jump..you little Yankee Democrat Bastard.. You’re holding up traffic”
 
Do you know why pilots like to watch their porn backwards?

They like the part where the girl gives the guy the money.
 
The three best things in life are:

A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.

A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.
 
A co-worker just told me this one (didn't know she knew any good jokes!)

-----------------------------------------

A redhead, brunette and a blonde share an elevator with a strapping young man.
Once he leaves, the redhead comments: "Wow, that was a full cutie package, heads, shoulders, knees AND toes".
The brunette replies: "Oh yes, heads and shoulders, I definitely gotta give him that".
The blonde leans toward the redhead and - with a puzzled look - whispers: "Hey, how do you give shoulders???"
 
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies I don't think I am" "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
 
I've got some good ones but the prudes that censor this site wouldn't approve...oh well.
 
Two rednecks are sitting on the front porch. One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

The other says " Aww s*#% I just joined the American Legion."
 
I got to thinking.....

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag but... I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?
Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented... I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 50. I learn something new every day... and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

PS: Sunday, March 13, 2016 began Daylight Savings Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
 
Ok, I'll try one, unusually non-political, and see if the touchy-feely censors here leave it alone...
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, “What's your hurry?”

To which she replied, “I'm late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”

“I'm a rectum stretcher” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what”????

“A rectum stretcher!”

“And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?” he asked

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge”

Traffic Ticket $398.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top