Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Colonoscopies

A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately males) while he was performing their colonoscopies. Okay, just bend over, grab your ankles and enjoy! Hehehe!

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

:rofl:
 
An old but good one:

Why airplanes are better than women

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when your airplane goes quiet, just like a woman,
it can be a very bad thing!
 
Test for Dementia

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to
answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)


First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.


Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?


Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000. Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right....

....Maybe.


Fourth Question:


Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you Answer Nunu?

NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again!


Okay, now the bonus round:


A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating
the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the
shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



He just has to open his mouth and ask...

It's really very simple.... Like you!
 
OK, Troy, I got the math one right. (hangs head in shame)
 
Got 'em all, thankyouverymuch. heheheheheheh... :)

(though I recognized the urge to answer each one in those exact wrong ways!! Until I thought about it, 'cause I know they're tricky questions!)

Oh, and by the btw, the "answer" to the second question is wrong... if you overtook the last person, you would STILL BE THE FIRST, having just lapped him or her. :)
 
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etsisk said:
Oh, and by the btw, the "answer" to the second question is wrong... if you overtook the last person, you would STILL BE THE FIRST, having just lapped him or her. :)
Click to expand...

Actually, I think you could be in any place except last. Especially if the last guy runs as fast as me. Everyone would have lapped him, maybe several times. :D

Barb
 
.



A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, sir"

"£85?", the Scot exclaims. "Ha' ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," replies the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"


"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still withoot an anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful but the price could drop to £40."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, 'ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students" mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5, but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?
 
Letter to the FAA
Federal Aviation Agency,
Washington 25, D.C.

Gentlemen:
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.

The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. But on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis.

On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.

When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much
easier to fly. I think that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. I didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.

We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's ridiculous. I never saw sow many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape.

The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book _style_ says it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Department Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I just turned off the radio.

You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?

It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring ahead with sort of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.

Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a whiz at that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning. I decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.

As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.

To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer.

Evidently there were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talking about some damn stupid son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.

Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something. Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license airmail, special delivery.






[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Regards,[/FONT]
 
You know, when I sent them that letter, I was of the understanding that such correspondence was PRIVATE! :mad: I don't know HOW you got it, but...


:D
 
DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids
what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes .'
The little girl screams to her brother,


'Don't eat it, it's an ***hole!'
 
3 things to ponder

From my sister:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the
mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't
we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it
has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore

.T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adu ltery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment
 
Re: 3 things to ponder

As to the three "C"'s... That was a good one... and so sadly true.
 
Redneck Marketing

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time, the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3, you were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray, it ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."
 
Parrot joke with slight aviation theme

heck we need jokes every day of the week, not just Fridays:

click on pic, await animation - about 10 seconds

hmmm how to make it bigger?
 

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Lets try a word doc; new joke --

there are 11 of them, I like the last one best
 

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I like the Parrot Chute.
 
young ensign is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he clocks out of his office at about 8 P.M. he sees the Admiral standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the Admiral asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young ensign, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.

"Thanks," says the Admiral, "I just need one copy..."
 
WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERSPart I
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Chinese Recall

chinese_recall.jpg


China recalls playground toy after complaints!​
 
Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
 
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute).
You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching
her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and
Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret
in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again
said,
'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the
rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted......
 
Re: Parrot joke with slight aviation theme

Let'sgoflying! said:
heck we need jokes every day of the week, not just Fridays:

click on pic, await animation - about 10 seconds

hmmm how to make it bigger?
Click to expand...
I tried clicking on the 100 percent in the bottom right corner and changing it to 400. that makes it bigger. Thats funny by the way.
 
Re: Parrot joke with slight aviation theme

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about
I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your
older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *****
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they
Santa
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his *** constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play Station 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set
you up with a Barbie.
Santa
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the sh**s and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of Scotch.
Santa
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the a**es of cocktail waitresses while
losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa
************ ********* ***** **** ********* ********* ****

Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please,
PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiny begging crap may work with your folks, but that bull
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater..... ......... again.
Santa
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
*** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in
a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
the bogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
 
An athiest was walking through the woods. What beautiful trees, he thought. What a great river, how magnificent are the animals, he said to himself.

As he was walking along the river he heard a rustling in the brush. Out stepped a giant Grizzly bear which started to charge him.

As fast as he could he started to run along the trail. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was gaining on him. He ran even faster. He looked over his shoulder again and saw the bear was even closer.

He tripped over a tree root. He rolled over to get to his feet but saw the bear was right on top of him with the right paw ready to swipe at him.

The atheist cried out, Oh, my God! At that moment time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

A bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky, You deny my existence for these many years, you teach others to deny me, you even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?

The athiest answered, It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian but could you make the bear a Christian?

Very well, said the voice.

With that the bright light disappeared and the sounds of the forest returned. The bear dropped his right paw, brought both front paws together and bowed it's head. The bear spoke:

Lord, bless this food from which I am to receive from thy bounty. Amen.
 
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked
with an old Afrikaans farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your
farm.'
The old Afrikaner said, 'OK Boet, but doesn't goes in that field over
there.'

The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go
WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep
running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned
prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every
step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately
threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....

'Your card! Your card, Boet! Show him your card!'[/FONT]
 
Dave Krall CFII said:
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked[/font]
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']with an old Afrikaans farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your[/font]
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']farm.'[/font]
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']The old Afrikaner said, 'OK Boet, but doesn't goes in that field over[/font]
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']there.'[/font]

[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the[/font]
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go[/font]
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.[/font]
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'[/font]

[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.[/font]

[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'] Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep[/font]
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'] running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned[/font]
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'] prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every[/font]
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'] step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately[/font]
[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'] threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....[/font]

[FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'] 'Your card! Your card, Boet! Show him your card!'[/font]
Click to expand...
Good one, Robbie.
 
Total momsense...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM

"The Mom" song, sung to the William Tell Overture, by Anita Renfroe.
What a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds! Hilarious and talented!
Lyrics for "The Mom Song" is given below.

"The Mom Song"

Get up now
Get up now
Get up out of bed
Wash your face
Brush your teeth
Comb your sleepyhead
Here's your clothes and your shoes
Hear the words I said
Get up now! Get up and make your bed
Are you hot? Are you cold?
Are you wearing that?
Where's your books and your lunch and your homework at?
Grab your coat and gloves and your scarf and hat
Don't forget! You gotta feed the cat
Eat your breakfast, the experts tell us it's the most important meal of all
Take your vitamins so you will grow up one day to be big and tall
Please remember the orthodontist will be seeing you at 3 today
Don't forget your piano lesson is this afternoon so you must play
Don't shovel
Chew slowly
But hurry
The bus is here
Be careful
Come back here
Did you wash behind your ears?
Play outside, don't play rough, will you just play fair?
Be polite, make a friend, don't forget to share
Work it out, wait your turn, never take a dare
Get along! Don't make me come down there
Clean your room, fold your clothes, put your stuff away
Make your bed, do it now, do we have all day?
Were you born in a barn? Would you like some hay?
Can you even hear a word I say?
Answer the phone! Get off the phone!
Don't sit so close, turn it down, no texting at the table
No more computer time tonight!
Your iPod's my iPod if you don't listen up
Where are you going and with whom and what time do you think you're coming home?
Saying thank you, please, excuse me makes you welcome everywhere you roam
You'll appreciate my wisdom someday when you're older and you're grown
Can't wait till you have a couple little children of your own
You'll thank me for the counsel I gave you so willingly
But right now I thank you not to roll your eyes at me
Close your mouth when you chew, would appreciate
Take a bite maybe two of the stuff you hate
Use your fork, do not burp or I'll set you straight
Eat the food I put upon your plate
Get an A, get the door, don't get smart with me
Get a grip, get in here, I'll count to three
Get a job, get a life, get a PHD
Get a dose of,
"I don't care who started it!
You're grounded until you're 36"
Get your story straight and tell the truth for once, for heaven's sake
And if all your friends jumped off a cliff would you jump, too?
If I've said it once, I've said at least a thousand times before
That you're too old to act this way
It must be your father's DNA
Look at me when I am talking
Stand up straighter when you walk
A place for everything and everything must be in place
Stop crying or I'll give you something real to cry about
Oh!
Brush your teeth, wash your face, put your PJs on
Get in bed, get up here, say a prayer with mom
Don't forget, I love you
And tomorrow we will do this all again because a mom's work never ends
You don't need the reason why
Because, because, because, because
I said so, I said so, I said so, I said so
I'm the mom, the mom, the mom, the mom, the mom!!
Ta da!!!
 
vontresc said:
WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERSPart I
attachment.php
Click to expand...

As we all know from thrid grade word problems... And is a word that means addition so:
woman = time + Money
and since time = Money
woman = Money + Money or women = 2 x money
So... finding a women doubles your money. :princess::princess::princess:
Must have been a male enigneer doing the orignal problem since he made such a simple mistake. :blowingkisses: and a male teacher grading to not catch the mistake...
 
Last edited:
Missa said:
As we all know from thrid grade word problems... And is a word that means addition so:
woman = time + Money
and since time = Money
woman = Money + Money or women = 2 x money
So... finding a women doubles your money. :princess::princess::princess:
Must have been a male enigneer doing the orignal problem since he made such a simple mistake. :blowingkisses: and a male teacher grading to not catch the mistake...
Click to expand...
Actually it is a women = time x Money. It is not an addition problem. I guess maybe women aren't as good at math than men :D;):D;):D;):D (kidding)
 
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"

 
smigaldi said:
Actually it is a women = time x Money. It is not an addition problem. I guess maybe women aren't as good at math than men :D;):D;):D;):D (kidding)
Click to expand...

So.... you must have failled 3rd grade math too. :p

The first statement is that "To find a woman you need time AND money" AND signifies addition... It did not say it takes "time multipled by money" nor "time times money" nor "the product of time and money", it simply said
"and" Which doubles your money.

:blowingkisses::blowingkisses::blowingkisses::blowingkisses::blowingkisses::blowingkisses:
 
Missa said:
So.... you must have failled 3rd grade math too. :p

The first statement is that "To find a woman you need time AND money" AND signifies addition... It did not say it takes "time multipled by money" nor "time times money" nor "the product of time and money", it simply said
"and" Which doubles your money.

:blowingkisses::blowingkisses::blowingkisses::blowingkisses::blowingkisses::blowingkisses:
Click to expand...
Actually this is not third grade math it is a complex idea of relationships and logic. Therefore I used Boolean logic where AND is signified by the times sign. http://www.geocities.com/cmoslayoutdesign/gmask/gmask03.html

The idea being presented is that if one has Time AND Money then they would have a woman. Without one or the other no women.

03_01.gif

A = B * C

Where
A= Woman
B= Time
C= Money

I don't recall any women in my logic class. Come to think of it..... Naw I won't go there ;);););););)

:D:D:D:D:D:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance:

It's a geek smack down ;)
 
smigaldi said:
Actually this is not third grade math it is a complex idea of relationships and logic. Therefore I used Boolean logic where AND is signified by the times sign. http://www.geocities.com/cmoslayoutdesign/gmask/gmask03.html

The idea being presented is that if one has Time AND Money then they would have a woman. Without one or the other no women.

03_01.gif

A = B * C

Where
A= Woman
B= Time
C= Money

I don't recall any women in my logic class. Come to think of it..... Naw I won't go there ;);););););)

:D:D:D:D:D:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance:

It's a geek smack down ;)
Click to expand...

I don't know if I'm a disgrace to my gender for this but.

Scott, Scott, Scott, I guess for some of us it does take more money.

Joe
who's not trying to compensate for ANYTHING with a T28
 
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