How to avoid someone?

[DavidWhite]

So I have a pretty small group of friends, and one of the people who hangs out in this group I like. However, every single time we hang out afterwards I go into this caustic self doubting spiral and I feel about as big as a newt (I do get better) I always wonder why I'm not good enough etc etc, so basically I've just decided I need to avoid this person. (I'm really glad I finally recognized this) Is there any way to continue to hang out with this group and avoid said person, or do I just need to find another group to hang out with? Sounds easier than it is, although I do start school in 8 months most likely, I just need people to hang out with in the interim.

I seek thee advice PoA.

 

[Jhernandez04]

Wrong idea, you shouldnt avoid this person. If you really them, you should confront them. You only live once. Ask this person if they want to go flying maybe?

Its worth a shot if your really interested. If your only scared, you can overcome that.

 

[EppyGA]

So I have a pretty small group of friends, and one of the people who hangs out in this group I like. However, every single time we hang out afterwards I go into this caustic self doubting spiral and I feel about as big as a newt (I do get better) I always wonder why I'm not good enough etc etc, so basically I've just decided I need to avoid this person. (I'm really glad I finally recognized this) Is there any way to continue to hang out with this group and avoid said person, or do I just need to find another group to hang out with? Sounds easier than it is, although I do start school in 8 months most likely, I just need people to hang out with in the interim.

I seek thee advice PoA.

David you are a great young man who has accomplished quite a bit in his young life and have nothing to be ashamed nor should you allow anyone to try and talk you down. You cannot go through life caring what folks like that think of you or how they may try to cut you down in size. Generally they are compensating for something lacking on their side. You just need to let your confidence show through.

 

[TMetzinger]

Why do you feel not good enough? Does this person actively make you feel bad?

Or are you smitten and you just feel unworthy? Believe me, that's VERY common.

More details are really needed. I can't tell what's going on.

 

[DavidWhite]

Wrong idea, you shouldnt avoid this person. If you really them, you should confront them. You only live once. Ask this person if they want to go flying maybe?

Its worth a shot if your really interested. If your only scared, you can overcome that.

We used to hang out all the time, I have concluded that this person is not worth my time or worry.

 

[Jhernandez04]

Oh, I thought it was something like you were interested and just get cold feet kinda thing. But if you've come to the decision and that person is always apart of the group, then its going to be tough. You can always tell a few of the group that you'd rather just hang out without that person because you have differences, usually good friends will understand.

 

[wabower]

Get over it. Somebody will always be smarter, richer, cuter, better hung.

If somebody else is really better, and it involves something you need to achieve, use your interactions to identify the specifics that you need to work on to get there. Otherwise, work on the things that you're good at. It's not like you don't have a pretty good head start on things that many people will never accomplish in a lifetime.

So I have a pretty small group of friends, and one of the people who hangs out in this group I like. However, every single time we hang out afterwards I go into this caustic self doubting spiral and I feel about as big as a newt (I do get better) I always wonder why I'm not good enough etc etc, so basically I've just decided I need to avoid this person. (I'm really glad I finally recognized this) Is there any way to continue to hang out with this group and avoid said person, or do I just need to find another group to hang out with? Sounds easier than it is, although I do start school in 8 months most likely, I just need people to hang out with in the interim.

I seek thee advice PoA.

 

[DavidWhite]

Oh, I thought it was something like you were interested and just get cold feet kinda thing. But if you've come to the decision and that person is always apart of the group, then its going to be tough. You can always tell a few of the group that you'd rather just hang out without that person because you have differences, usually good friends will understand.

She is a more established member of the group than I am unfortunately.

 

[TMetzinger]

Well, I suggest you hang out with others, and maybe avoid your old group, you may be suprised to find that some of your friends will hang out with you.

 

[DavidWhite]

Don't get me wrong, I do care for this person deeply however my affection is taken for granted and she is very mercenary. It's just not good for me, I've correlated feeling like **** and hanging around this person to be things that go together.

 

[TMetzinger]

Don't get me wrong, I do care for this person deeply however my affection is taken for granted and she is very mercenary. It's just not good for me, I've correlated feeling like **** and hanging around this person to be things that go together.

Sounds like you recognize the need to change. And having been there and done that, I think that you avoiding her is a good start. And if she chases after you to get you to come back... You can and should be honest with her about how you feel bad after hanging out with her. One of two things will happen. You'll either see that she really is the toxic person you are afraid she is, or... she may make changes.

 

[Tony_Scarpelli]

Women are trouble stick to airplanes and Pilots. They still take all your money but you got something left when its over.

 

[pbramlett]

You will find out who your real friends are. If friendships are based on a group then that's not a very good friend. A friend is someone who would run into the fire to get your ass out of a 210.

I've only got 3 friends but a lot of acquaintances. You'll realize how to categorize them soon enough.

Cheer up. We are here for you. Now where you gonna fly tomorrow?

 

[Geico266]

Women are trouble stick to airplanes and Pilots. They still take all your money but you got something left when its over.

 

[Geico266]

Dave, let her go. She is playing you like a fiddle. A true friend would not do that. Find another group of friends and kiss her good bye. She just doesn't see what you see in the relationship.

 

[flygirl34q]

Don't get me wrong, I do care for this person deeply however my affection is taken for granted and she is very mercenary. It's just not good for me, I've correlated feeling like **** and hanging around this person to be things that go together.

It's not always easy to get away from someone that can make you feel like **** when you are around them. Especially, when sometimes, it's fun to be around them. But then, they do have a way of turning things around and making it not good for you, like a roller coaster you can't get off even when it's no longer fun. It sucks, but it may be the only answer, no matter how much you care about them.

 

[John221us]

Don't get me wrong, I do care for this person deeply however my affection is taken for granted and she is very mercenary. It's just not good for me, I've correlated feeling like **** and hanging around this person to be things that go together.

Just take a break for a while. If you want to stay in touch with some others, invite them for lunch or something. Find something to keep your mind off of it like starting a project or something.

 

[wabower]

In which case, go the other way. Learn to live with it, laugh it off, even make light of the situation publicly ("year, right, I know I'm just one BBD away from another dumping") and move on.

She will notice (they always have their antennae tuned to max gain) whether she acknowledges or not, and whatever happens happens. Handle yourself well, stay cool and above it all, and don't ever let them see you sweat. At some point good things will happen. Whether Precious ever notices or not, somebody who does will show up. At this point I've heard almost enough about her to think she might need a good leaving-alone anyway. A friend once said of my old GF "she reminds me a lot of somebody's future ex-wife." As it turned out he was right except for the 4X.

PS: And it this point it sounds like she has her "woof" in on you and you sure as hell don't want to start any relationship that far down. Deck can be stacked just a bit one way or the other, but the game is no fun if the other player has all the aces.

Don't get me wrong, I do care for this person deeply however my affection is taken for granted and she is very mercenary. It's just not good for me, I've correlated feeling like **** and hanging around this person to be things that go together.

 

[AdamZ]

David, I take it the problem is not so much avoiding this woman but rather avoiding her an staying involved with the group she associates with, is that correct?

If so I'd say the only way it will be possible to stay with the group is to get past this person if not I can't see it working. There is a saying I like, " you can't change other people you can only change yourself and by doing so other people may change"

Your a good man David, I'm confident you know in hour heart how to work this out.

 

[Sac Arrow]

Oh. I had to read down to understand the context.

In general, I choose not to spend time with those people that are caustic to me, it's as simple as that. I have a couple of friends that, while they don't make me feel inferior or anything like that, are just real drags and pains in the ass to be around. People I consider a-holes. How much time in a year do I spend with them? Probably less time than I spend reading my birthday card.

Female friends are a different dynamic though. Guys we can brush off. Chicks we always have a vested interest in, conscious or not can't tell you how to act there, either have the willpower to blow her off or live with the fallout.

 

[Jaybird180]

I found it incredibly empowering to learn how to have the women I wanted chase me. Once you understand this part of female psychology getting this one to go away is equally possible.

Davids case sounds like an emotional drain.

I would say more, but not in a public forum. If David wants to know more, he knows how to reach me.

 

[Sleepingsquirrel]

I was your age once and the answer to your question in not as easy as it is for me at my age now. These days I just get a restraining order. :wink2:

 

[Henning]

Don't get me wrong, I do care for this person deeply however my affection is taken for granted and she is very mercenary. It's just not good for me, I've correlated feeling like **** and hanging around this person to be things that go together.

Have you considered just coming forward and telling her how yo feel? Girls can be just as dense as guys in these regards.

 

[DavidWhite]

Have you considered just coming forward and telling her how yo feel? Girls can be just as dense as guys in these regards.

She's not looking for a relationship, she's looking for one night stands. I went out last night with said group. 5 went out, only 4 returned.

 

[wabower]

Disagree. They're so far ahead of us on this stuff that we'll never catch up. She knows exactly where everybody stands in this pecking order and enjoys her spot in the lineup. That may never change, so he can either pine and play here game or move on. Seeing as how he will be off to college in the fall, there's no reason to pine for Precious since she will be like John Adams (history) in less than a year anyway.

If she really doesn't give a rats about him, it doesn't matter and he can free himself of the doubts and what-ifs. But hanging around hoping it will change is a failed strategy from the get-go, and he's a fool to think that anything will be different until he changes the rules of engagement. Starting now he needs to assume the deal wasn't meant to be and re-bait his hook for other fish. If push comes to shove, he needs to tell her that he has more to do than sit around wondering what she may do next, and "frankly, Scarlet"

Plenty of them out there to pick from, and it will be good practice for him to play on a level field with the same detachment for her that she obviously has for him. It's not an easy lesson, but he won't be the first to encounter the "queen of the hop" chicke-poo, and sure as hell won't be the first to find her circling back when she finally figures out she might be missing out. By then he will have hopefully seen enough of the others to know where she rates on his order of endearment and react accordingly. I'd give her about five years.

Have you considered just coming forward and telling her how yo feel? Girls can be just as dense as guys in these regards.

 

[DavidWhite]

Disagree. They're so far ahead of us on this stuff that we'll never catch up. She knows exactly where everybody stands in this pecking order and enjoys her spot in the lineup. That may never change, so he can either pine and play here game or move on. Seeing as how he will be off to college in the fall, there's no reason to pine for Precious since she will be like John Adams (history) in less than a year anyway.

If she really doesn't give a rats about him, it doesn't matter and he can free himself of the doubts and what-ifs. But hanging around hoping it will change is a failed strategy from the get-go, and he's a fool to think that anything will be different until he changes the rules of engagement. Starting now he needs to assume the deal wasn't meant to be and re-bait his hook for other fish. If push comes to shove, he needs to tell her that he has more to do than sit around wondering what she may do next, and "frankly, Scarlet"

Plenty of them out there to pick from, and it will be good practice for him to play on a level field with the same detachment for her that she obviously has for him. It's not an easy lesson, but he won't be the first to encounter the "queen of the hop" chicke-poo, and sure as hell won't be the first to find her circling back when she finally figures out she might be missing out. By then he will have hopefully seen enough of the others to know where she rates on his order of endearment and react accordingly. I'd give her about five years.

Wayne you are 100% right. I keep doing the same thing and hoping something changes, I just need to go meet other girls.

 

[Rayden]

Wayne you are 100% right. I keep doing the same thing and hoping something changes, I just need to go meet other girls.

 

[N747JB]

Wayne you are 100% right. I keep doing the same thing and hoping something changes, I just need to go meet other girls.

David, unless you are really ugly, I mean Quasimodo ugly, there are tons of girls your age that would love to meet a decent guy! Actually, there are tons that would even love to go out with a total a-hole, so your odds are good!
My boys 19 and 17 have girls chasing them all over town, the youngest one keeps running, while the older one lets himself get caught a lot.

 

[wabower]

David, do you really think I'm able to recite all this stuff because it happened to someone else other than me when I was about your age?

Wayne you are 100% right. I keep doing the same thing and hoping something changes, I just need to go meet other girls.

 

[DavidWhite]

David, unless you are really ugly, I mean Quasimodo ugly, there are tons of girls your age that would love to meet a decent guy! Actually, there are tons that would even love to go out with a total a-hole, so your odds are good!
My boys 19 and 17 have girls chasing them all over town, the youngest one keeps running, while the older one lets himself get caught a lot.

I feel quasimodo ugly sometimes, but in reality I'm a pretty average looking kid.

(shameless bathroom mirror selfshot)

 

[wabower]

I think it's deeper than that. You need to reassess yourself and develop a plan that allows you to translate the successes you have enjoyed and the competence and confidence you have developed to other areas of your life without becoming the stereotype big-watch-little-dick pilot type that none of us enjoy.

The ability to fly an airplane and the decision-making and all that come with it is extraordinary for any person of your age. Learning how to translate that to other ares is probably harder than flying, at least at first, but some similarities are obvious. Remember when you first started flying and held on with a death grip to maintain control, thinking how it was probably necessary to keep from crashing? And how one day you learned to relax and fly with two fingers while carrying on a conversation and maintaining your cool without really thinking about it?

The same fundamentals hold true with social situations and with the ladies. I've seen you in social situations and know for a fact that you acquit yourself well. So keep up the good work on that front and figure out how you'd like to be perceived by your age group/peers and how to make the necessary changes.

They won't be huge changes, and most will be apparent only to you. The
two biggest--eliminating self doubt and increasing self-confidence and self-worth--are almost identical, so your challenge is to come to grips with the issue and start projecting yourself as you'd expect to do if you were a CFI with a student in the plane rather than a high-school kid hanging with his homeys.

I've read your somewhat-less-than-flattering critiques of your brother, so you're obviously aware of some of the changes you think he needs to make to grow up and have a life. Now's the time to make a similar self-evaluation and follow your own advice. Many resources are available (psych, life coach, etc) if you need help, but the next few months will present a great opportunity for you to make the necessary transformation.

Wayne you are 100% right. I keep doing the same thing and hoping something changes, I just need to go meet other girls.

 

[DavidWhite]

I think it's deeper than that. You need to reassess yourself and develop a plan that allows you to translate the successes you have enjoyed and the competence and confidence you have developed to other areas of your life without becoming the stereotype big-watch-little-dick pilot type that none of us enjoy.

The ability to fly an airplane and the decision-making and all that come with it is extraordinary for any person of your age. Learning how to translate that to other ares is probably harder than flying, at least at first, but some similarities are obvious. Remember when you first started flying and held on with a death grip to maintain control, thinking how it was probably necessary to keep from crashing? And how one day you learned to relax and fly with two fingers while carrying on a conversation and maintaining your cool without really thinking about it?

The same fundamentals hold true with social situations and with the ladies. I've seen you in social situations and know for a fact that you acquit yourself well. So keep up the good work on that front and figure out how you'd like to be perceived by your age group/peers and how to make the necessary changes.

They won't be huge changes, and most will be apparent only to you. The
two biggest--eliminating self doubt and increasing self-confidence and self-worth--are almost identical, so your challenge is to come to grips with the issue and start projecting yourself as you'd expect to do if you were a CFI with a student in the plane rather than a high-school kid hanging with his homeys.

I've read your somewhat-less-than-flattering critiques of your brother, so you're obviously aware of some of the changes you think he needs to make to grow up and have a life. Now's the time to make a similar self-evaluation and follow your own advice. Many resources are available (psych, life coach, etc) if you need help, but the next few months will present a great opportunity for you to make the necessary transformation.

Some days I'm really confident and other days I'm not. It's weird, maybe it has to do with lunar cycles or something. You are right, it is something I need to work on. I've been considering some volunteer stuff like recommended on the PB - I think that would be good for me.

 

[Mtns2Skies]

Some days I'm really confident and other days I'm not. It's weird, maybe it has to do with lunar cycles or something. You are right, it is something I need to work on. I've been considering some volunteer stuff like recommended on the PB - I think that would be good for me.

that's called being a hormonal teenager. volunteering is always good not just when you're down in the dumps

 

[Doggtyred]

So if I'm reading this right, she's someone you desire, and she doesn't desire you. You also give the impression that she's into hooking up, but also not with you.

Welcome to the friend zone. Accept it for what it is, and dont try to change it in this instance. Broaden your horizons, meet more people, make new acquaintances, find things to do with your time that dont involve the group. If you've made an overt advance at her and got the brush off, then she knows how you feel and doesn't feel the same way. I may be twice your age, but I've been on both sides of the coin. Friendzone can suck, especially if you've become smitten with someone.

I am not recommending walking away from the group OR avoiding contact with her. Only you can decide if that's for you. But take control of your situation and your own entertainment. Dont be the tag-along or someone else entourage, be the event planner and you plan the event and invite who you want there. It can be an empowering experience.

 

[Doggtyred]

Some days I'm really confident and other days I'm not. It's weird, maybe it has to do with lunar cycles or something. You are right, it is something I need to work on. I've been considering some volunteer stuff like recommended on the PB - I think that would be good for me.

Some days you're the windshield.. some days you're the bug. Where you heading off to school eventually?

 

[bbchien]

David, she's mercenary because with you, she knows she can be. Many many moons ago the first love of my life made me think I was messed up. 35 years later, and still being on the "starter" wife, she is on spouse #4. Now who's messed up here?

 

[DavidWhite]

Some days you're the windshield.. some days you're the bug. Where you heading off to school eventually?

Probably do a couple years at a community college to save some money, and I can get away without taking the SATs/ACTs. It'll give me a good idea of what a big school is going to be like. I'm thinking ACC probably.

 

[DavidWhite]

So if I'm reading this right, she's someone you desire, and she doesn't desire you. You also give the impression that she's into hooking up, but also not with you.

Welcome to the friend zone. Accept it for what it is, and dont try to change it in this instance. Broaden your horizons, meet more people, make new acquaintances, find things to do with your time that dont involve the group. If you've made an overt advance at her and got the brush off, then she knows how you feel and doesn't feel the same way. I may be twice your age, but I've been on both sides of the coin. Friendzone can suck, especially if you've become smitten with someone.

I am not recommending walking away from the group OR avoiding contact with her. Only you can decide if that's for you. But take control of your situation and your own entertainment. Dont be the tag-along or someone else entourage, be the event planner and you plan the event and invite who you want there. It can be an empowering experience.

Yes, yes, and I am friendzoned. I am smitten, it sucks.

 

[Henning]

She's not looking for a relationship, she's looking for one night stands. I went out last night with said group. 5 went out, only 4 returned.

Wayne you are 100% right. I keep doing the same thing and hoping something changes, I just need to go meet other girls.

You didn't answer my question, honesty may have an incredible effect of starting a conversation that can cure your problem one way or another. The greatest barrier to sanity between men and women is honest open communication. It could turn the corner on your relationship or give you some information that keeps you from feeling so bad about yourself.

 

[wabower]

You were ga-go goo-goo over that Mooney too, now you don't fly it nearly as much as the other plane, don't like to fly by yourself as you did in the other one, yada yada. You'll get over her too.

Among guys a few years older the accepted wisdom about a single gal is "no matter how good-looking she is, some guy finally got sick of her crap." That's obviously not universally true, but it's handy when you're trying to find ways to man up and move on.

Yes, yes, and I am friendzoned. I am smitten, it sucks.