Funniest Aviation Story thread

Ed Haywood

Ed Haywood

Final Approach
Joined
Jul 12, 2020
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Location
Tampa FL
Display Name
Ed
Home Airfield
FD77
I know you all have heard some wild ones. I'll start.

A close friend bought a PA-28-180 from a British man who lived in central Florida. During the purchase inspection, he noted a LOT of dust under the interior panels and asked why.

The seller told him he and his wife took the aircraft up to scatter his grandfather's ashes over Tampa Bay. His intent was to release them through the scoop vent on the left side window. He had a paper bag filled with ashes that fit the vent. The plan was to place the bag over the vent and collapse it, ejecting the ashes into the slipstream.

When he placed the mouth of the bag over the vent, the bag exploded. Instantly the cockpit interior became IFR with grandpa's ashes.
 
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I heard a story from a reputable source (AKA "TINS") about a glider pilot who tried to build a relief tube with a condom catheter bonded to surgical tubing which ran out the wheel well. The story ends with the surgical tubing wrapping around the axle on landing rollout. Hilarity ensues.

Nauga,
who is not a snappy dresser
 
A high profile warbird guy once told a story about a cargo flight in a Beech 18, a dire need to pee, a relief tube that filled (a funnel) but would not empty, trou on the floor, a funnel of pee in one hand, his wee-wee in the other hand and a tank running dry at an inopportune moment.

His pressing thought: "How's THIS gonna look in the NTSB report?"
 
I was lucky enough to be tasked as a junior Naval Aviator to take a Strike Fighter from Florida to Maine on what is known as a Boondoggle. My taxpayer funded mission was to help a warship (just coming out of the shipyard) to exercise it’s anti-ship defenses by flying specific profiles against it.

But, my secondary mission was to fill a blivet (basically a converted drop tank with an access panel) with locally sourced Maine lobsta’ for a squadron party upon my return. And I had been warned about terrible failures of prior aviators in tactical aircraft, arriving home with a blivet full of exploded crustaceans, due to not being mindful of the rate of pressure change while flying such cargo.

Successful in both endeavors, I launched out of Maine for my return to Florida. I checked in with Boston Center, who replied with a significant Southie accent.

“StreetCar 307, Boston, climb and maintain FL270” (a typical cruising altitude for my airframe).

“Boston, StreetCar 307, I’d like a slow climb to thirteen thousand as our final today, we have some pressure sensitive cargo onboard.”

“StreetCar 307, Boston, roger.”

<Pause>

“StreetCar 307, Boston, would there be a whole lot of those pressure sensitive cargos onboard?”

Me, grinning: “Boston, StreetCar 307, affirmative.”

There then ensued, on frequency, a fairly long, totally inappropriate conversation with this controller about several of my predecessors who had performed the same mission. Some successful, some not so much.

I succeeded, we had an epic squadron party.
 
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Recently flying a YE passenger we left the pattern and headed out towards the lakes when he asked, "does this airplane run on gas?" I thought the question a bit strange but confirmed that it did use aviation fuel. His next question was, "is it full?" :rofl:
 
Back in my Baron charter days I was flying a short trip to drop a guy off, and he asked if his wife and daughter (5-ish?) could ride the round trip. “Sure.”

The daughter asked all of the relevant questions (Do we have enough gas? Do we have parachutes?) and I gave the appropriate answers (I think so, but I’m a glider pilot, so if we run out of gas we’ll still be fine. Only I get a parachute.)

When we got safely back home and into the FBO lobby, the little girl looked at me and said, “You’re my favorite of all the pilots I know, but I don’t know any pilots.”

I guess I deserved that one.:rofl:
 
Taking my buddy and his 6ish year old son for their first flight in a small plane. I go over everything about the plane. Ask if he's got any questions... "Can we get culver's!?" Sigh
 
Ed Haywood said:
I know you all have heard some wild ones. I'll start.

A close friend bought a PA-28-180 from a British man who lived in central Florida. During the purchase inspection, he noted a LOT of dust under the interior panels and asked why.

The seller told him he and his wife took the aircraft up to scatter his grandfather's ashes over Tampa Bay. His intent was to release them through the scoop vent on the left side window. He had a paper bag with the ashes that neatly fit the vent. The plan was to place the bag over the vent and collapse it, ejecting the ashes into the slip stream.

When he applied the bag to the vent, the bottom of the bag exploded. Instantly the cockpit interior became IFR ... with grandpa's ashes.
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Dude went Full Lebowski on that one.

I used a PA-28 to release some ashes over a Great Lake; lost a night's sleep worrying about it beforehand, cancelled due to IMSAFE and finally figured on a triple paper sandwich bag manouver a few days later; paper would dissolve in the water.

First on my list of "things to never do again."
 
A friend was flying to another airport for his private checkride. On takeoff there was smoke so he aborted and taxied back. After the ramp folks confirmed what it was, they asked if he did a good preflight? Yes. Did you look in the cowling? Yes. Come here and look. There was a massive bird nest with straw poking out of the cowl (face palm). Yes he passed later that day.
 
nauga said:
I heard a story from a reputable source (AKA "TINS") about a glider pilot who tried to build a relief tube with a condom catheter bonded to surgical tubing which ran out the wheel well. The story ends with the surgical tubing wrapping around the axle on landing rollout. Hilarity ensues.

Nauga,
who is not a snappy dresser
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Never heard that one. But it might be the same Sad Sack who peed on the electric fence separating the cow pasture from the 'drome.
 
I told this story in March 2024 but it fits this thread so here we go again.

A while back, I helped prank a CFI at the school where I was renting a plane. I'd finished flying and was standing near the flight school desk BSing with some other pilots when over the radio we heard one of the CFIs have some momentary confusion and make a minor mistake talking with the tower at a nearby Class D. I got an idea and suggested a bit of a gag....

So, when he got back to our airport and walked in, the guy working the desk said, "The Leesburg tower just called and asked who was flying tail number 123AB. They left a number for you to call."

After a momentary "Oh sh;t" reaction, our victim hesitantly called the number on his cell phone. The number was actually the cell phone of another CFI who was hiding in a back room. He started balling the guy out, and our victim was trying to make all kinds of apologies as the other instructor came walking up still talking on the cell. When our victim realized he'd been had, he almost collapsed from laughing so hard and being so relieved.
 
I’m working Approach at Lemoore KNLC. Long time ago, we didn’t have automated Radar, handoffs all had to be done manually. Transferring controller would call the receiving controller and say handoff, receiving controller would say go ahead and the transferring controller would give the planes position relative to a fix displayed on both controllers scopes. Sometimes the receiving controller wouldn’t see the target yet and would often say ‘keep him coming, I’ll call you when I see him.’ I’m handing a plane off to Castle Approach. She sounds flustered, probably in training. I make the handoff and she says “keep him calling, I’ll come when I see him.”
 
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Half Fast said:
So, when he got back to our airport and walked in, the guy working the desk said, "The Leesburg tower just called and asked who was flying tail number 123AB. They left a number for you to call."

After a momentary "Oh sh;t" reaction, our victim hesitantly called the number on his cell phone. The number was actually the cell phone of another CFI who was hiding in a back room. He started balling the guy out, and our victim was trying to make all kinds of apologies as the other instructor came walking up still talking on the cell. When our victim realized he'd been had, he almost collapsed from laughing so hard and being so relieved.
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Someone at a flight school I worked at approached me after I landed and told me the FAA called and wanted to talk to me. I thought he was joking. Then he gave me a phone number on a sticky note. It was for the FSDO.

I called. The inspector wanted me to give him a flight review.
 
dmspilot said:
Someone at a flight school I worked at approached me after I landed and told me the FAA called and wanted to talk to me. I thought he was joking. Then he gave me a phone number on a sticky note. It was for the FSDO.

I called. The inspector wanted me to give him a flight review.
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I got home from a trip and our other King Air instructor said, “I flew with an FAA inspector today for currency (the FAA leased our King Air for that periodically) and the inspector said she knew you.”

Well, for starters, I wasn’t aware of a female inspector at our FSDO, and so the fact that she knew me was a little startling. Telling me her name didn’t help…I knew her by her maiden name. Then he said I gave her a ride in a Stearman when she was a flight instructor, and I figured out who it was. I still wasn’t thrilled, as I had almost taxied into a 172 when I gave her the Stearman ride. :rolleyes1:

But I also had some dirt on her, so we got along well. ;)
 
I was working PAR approaches while deployed to Prince Sultan Air Base, Saudi Arabia. We had a terrible fly problem and everyone had their own swatter with our initials on it and hash marks for every 100 killed. Anyway after the handoff from Approach (who was sitting right beside me on another scope) of an F15, I noticed a fly had landed on my scope. I leaned forward and inadvertently keyed up my foot switch. Instead of “Baller two seven, prince Sultan final approach how do you hear me?” the pilot heard, “watch me kill this …ker.”
 
(apologies if I've told this story before)

I was the FO on a chartered MD-80, taking an arena football team to Norfolk. The six of us (two pilots and four FAs) knew each other well and got along great. The lead FA was a young woman named Sandra, who was fantastic to work with and a lot of fun.

So we start our descent into Norfolk, and because the CA is flying the leg, I make the standard PA to the passengers with the weather, time to landing, blah blah blah. Now on the MD-80, the handset to make a PA or talk to the flight attendants sits vertically on a cradle at the base of the center pedestal. To make a PA, you grab the handset, push the PA button on the overhead panel, and then press the trigger on the handset itself and start talking. Once you're done, just hang up and a microswitch on the cradle shuts off the cockpit's PA system.

You can guess where this is going. I made my PA, but when I hung up, the microswitch didn't do its thing. Now because I'm no longer pushing the trigger, we don't have a hot mic or anything, but our PA system is still 'active', meaning it's preventing the flight attendants from making theirs. So Sandra tries to make hers and can't, and calls forward to the cockpit to figure out why.

We get the chime from Sandra's call and I use that exact moment to screw with her a bit. I pick up the handset and pull the trigger, thinking I'm only talking to her (but no, I'm talking to the whole plane):

"Dammit Sandra, I told you to stop calling me on this number! You know my wife checks this phone - call the burner phone! Dammit, the burner phone!"

I stop talking because I'm hearing banging on the flight deck door, and that's when I notice the blue light illuminated on the PA button on the overhead panel. Ummmm....oops.

My CA: "Oh man, tell me that went over the PA! Haha - you're standing in the door and saying goodbye to our passengers!"

Which is exactly what I did. Fortunately I had a football team onboard, and they thought it was hilarious. And that blue PA light became a bigger part of my scan from then on.
 
As a CPL student in a class D I asked for a wind check on final because we were getting tossed around a lot more than the reported wind (G15?) would suggest.

On rollout I muttered something along the lines of "gusting fifteen my a$$..." and then realized I'd keyed the mic for that. There was a long pause as we waited for tower to say something. When the silence stretched out long enough we both had a good laugh.
 
First or second solo flight out to the practice area I was jazzed and singing to myself (Elton John's "I guess That's Why They Call it the Blues"). When I started back in I realized I'd had a stuck mic. I'd been serenading the entire frequency for 1/2 hour. Forced them to move to the alternate tower frequency. :oops: After I landed and received my taxi instructions from ground, the controller said "Thanks for the karaoke".

I was a voice major in college so at least it wasn't horrible karaoke.
 
Student XC to also knock out solo towered field requirement. Z98 -> MKG -> LAN -> GRR -> Z98 in a 152 II. Around 150nm, but 2-3 hours in length. After I left MKG I had the urge to pee. Eh, I should be fine. I should have stopped in LAN, but I hadn't been there before and wasn't sure about which FBO to use, etc. I figured I'd press on to GRR where I'd been to a couple times already. I'm on a loooooooooong final for 26L and I'm really starting to squirm. About 4 miles out, tower says "XXXXX give me a 2 minute right 360 for jet traffic landing on 35." Ugh. I finish the 360 and now I really have to go. Short final tower asks my destination on the field. Having no shame I reply back with "wherever the nearest bathroom is." The reply was immediate and the woman on tower frequency is laughing while giving me instructions to (now Signature) while I hear other voices in the background behind her also laughing. I'm sure they watched me sprint across the ramp since you're almost below the tower.
 
Long time ago, a friend was in figher jet.
About 10 minutes after departure he radios that he needs to return to base immediately. When queried about the nature of the emergency, a terse "physiological" was the answer. He made it to a bathroom before the engines had a chance to spool down. His lunch had declared war on him.
 
Back in the early '80s we had a 2 helicopter detachment that was continuously deployed out of Atsugi, Japan aboard a Navy supply ship. A senior lieutenant and very skilled pilot was due to rotate back to the squadron. This guy was wrapped about 150psi too tight and we were glad to see him go. So we wanted to give him a good send-off.

For his ride home, once we got the bird all turned up on the ships flight deck, about 30 miles out from Diego Garcia, I respectfully asked our VIP passenger (the LT.) come up to the cockpit so he could see 'something'. The entire detachment was there, in good military formation, and on cue gave a snappy salute. On the order "to", the crew did an equally snappy about-face and to the man dropped trou, giving the LT a proper moon shaped FU.
 
One story comes to mind, after reading everyone else's stuck mic story.

Not sure who the pilot or aircraft was in this story, I was just one of many people that had the luxury of hearing it.

Someone had a stuck mic in the New Orleans metro area. We know that because the pilot mentioned several prominent landmarks, he was giving his passengers quite the tour. At some point the conversation turned to being able to some lovely young ladies sunbathing at the back yard pool. You could hear the pilot and passenger discussing what a great view they had, and the passenger asked if it was legal to be this low. The pilot responded, "Oh no, if we got caught I'd be in big trouble!"
 
The transponder thread reminded me of @eman1200 story of the guy who didn't know how to recycle his transponder.
 
Back in the day, one would monitor Flight Watch (122.2 IIRC) to hear updates on weather and issues.

So did a sight seeing fall flight of the leaves turning along the Shenandoah. On the way some, some airliner had a stuck mic. The pilots were discussing a certain red-head FA onboard and her "talents" and "interests." This went on for over 20 minutes (the FA had a LOT of "talents" :D ). Then we hear and "OH S**T" click. And IMMEDIATELY several calls asking for her number. :D :D

Another time was flying GA-7 Cougar from KFTY to N71 (home base for plane). One passenger. Near Lynchburg he had to pee. REALLY badly. I was IFR, so called the controller and asked to divert to KLYH. The controlled asked why. I told him "physiological reasons." He asked, in a puzzled voice, what??. I repeated. He then said, "What do you mean physiological reasons? OH, YOU MEAN...." followed by much laughter. Then he cleared me direct, descent at PD. :D
 
I was time building last year focused on night XC when I flew a mission down to S Indiana and back - each leg crossing directly over KBMG (at altitude). I wasn't on flight following and was scanning the various frequencies as I traveled the countryside. Each time I crossed KBMG (tower open the whole time), I tuned in to see if there was any traffic. On my return leg I listened to a 172 tune in, get clearance to land, then touch down. When the tower asked where they were parking, the conversation proceeded with (paraphrased some, it was a while ago):
Pilot: "is the FBO open"
Tower: "no i don't believe it's open, are you parking at the FBO?"
Pilot: "you guys have a place I could just park and take a leak somewhere in the grass?"
[silence]
Tower: "N1234, taxi to the ramp via..."
 
Racerx said:
The transponder thread reminded me of @eman1200 story of the guy who didn't know how to recycle his transponder.
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Reminds me of a story my CFI tells about coming in to land at a strip with flight school planes in the pattern. He heard tower ask some hapless student to ‘say intentions’ and everyone on freq heard ‘my intentions are to become an airline pilot’.
Surprised planes didn’t drop out of the sky.
 
A decade ago, there was a fabulous story, “Diarrhea in a Freighter”
I assumed everyone had read it, as it had appeared on so many sites.
Alas. no one has reposted it and I cannot find it.
Twas a literary marvel.
 
Was that John Deakin's story of an intestinal issue when flying a C-46 for Air America?

For a BUNCH of good and funny stories, pick up a copy of his book, Full Throttle.
 
Many years ago, as a new pilot living in southern Arizona, I decided it would be a good idea to take my family on a x-country trip on a summer afternoon; first mistake. My wife & young kids (8 & 2) were reluctant flyers but excited to turn a 6-hour drive into a ninety-minute flight. Everyone can picture what it was like in a C172 on a hot, summer afternoon. Wife was sitting right seat, kids asleep in the back, she asks “can I open the window?”. Not really thinking, I said “sure”; second mistake. She opens the large Cessna window and attempts to puke outside. Of course, both kids get a face full and immediately wake up, adding their own contribution. I diverted to the nearest airport and was barely able to keep it down myself. We waited for nightfall before continuing; only decent decision of the day.
 
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Showed up for an early morning T-38 contact ride as a stud and while we normally woke at 5 for a 6 go and didn't have bfast I walked past the vending machine and returned to plink a quarter for a hot chocolate. Briefed and headed out to the bird. Taxi out I'm thinking should I say something, no I can hold it. Takeoff and climb out as cabin pressure drops and internal pressure rises. It lets go and I tell Capt. Bennett, great guy. He takes the bird and terminates the lesson and we come back to land although I think he enjoyed a tighter pitchout than normal. On taxi in he tells me it's no big thing. He ferried an F-4 to Norway and when they chocked in the crew chiefs would put the ladder up and then jump off to get away from the smell of what the pilot had done in his poopy suit. I felt better after he told me that and I didn't even catch **** from my classmates. To segue from #2 to #1, later as an IP and mobile controller I advised the IPs to brief wind direction when a stud had to pop the canopy and pee after landing. Saw way too many guys peeing into the wind.
 
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