Dealing With Aging Parents

[Doggtyred]

Update.

Well, mom voluntarily (under threat of death ) signed a power of attorney for medical stuff to my brother, then me.

Thank you mom!


Now we get to make the decisions.

Just so you understand, as long as she's not judged incompetent, the POA does not let you override her wishes.

The POA allows you to make decisions on her behalf when she's unable to do so. Like if she strokes and is unable to express herself.

Keep your powers of persuasion well honed, because until she can no longer express her wishes competently she can override or revoke the POA at any time. Verbally or in writing.

Glad she's making healthier decisions.

 

[Jay Honeck]

My parents watched THEIR parents live long, long lives....and watched as they ended up in the fetal position, with bodies unwilling to die.

THEY decided that this was B.S., and that THEY would never die that way. They lived through the Great Depression and World War II, and decided that they were going to live life the way THEY wanted to. As a result, they smoked, drank, and had generally great lives -- until they hit their 70s.

Then, things started to fail. Much to my dad's dismay, my mom had the doctors do some "heroic" crap to keep him going. He wasn't much for that, and died at 74 -- more than ready to go.

My mom died at 76, having smoked since age 14, and enjoyed good health until she was 74. The last two years were a real *****, but she made sure that she wasn't going to linger into her 80s, like her dad had done.

So, with the gift of hindsight, and enough years to put aside the pain of losing them, I truly admire their approach. In a no-win game, they did things THEIR way, and told the Grim Reaper to go f*ck himself. Some would say they died prematurely, but I like to think that they died when THEY were ready.

Maybe your mom is doing the same thing? You might ask her.

 

[Geico266]

Maybe your mom is doing the same thing? You might ask her.

We have. She says she is happy at home taking care of her birds, the house, ect. She is even making plans to trim trees this fall, ect. Plans on having cataract surgery next month.

I think she is just stubborn.

 

[Henning]

Yep - and they all know what "nursing home" means. It means you'll never leave. Folks in an assisted living or other senior living arrangements are very aware of what happens when you decline to the point where you get moved out of there and into the nursing care facility.

What ever happened to wandering off into the forest to recycle your body? We have a poor general view of life and death.

 

[Bob Noel]

We have. She says she is happy at home taking care of her birds, the house, ect. She is even making plans to trim trees this fall, ect. Plans on having cataract surgery next month.

I think she is just stubborn.

wrt the cataract surgery: Will she be disciplined enough to take the eye drops 3 or 4 times each day? Actually, you don't need to answer, but I asked just in case you didn't know about that part.

It can be very traumatic to leave a home. I wish we could have figured out a way to keep my mother and father in their house.

 

[Bob Noel]

What ever happened to wandering off into the forest to recycle your body? We have a poor general view of life and death.

some more than others.

 

[Matthew]

What ever happened to wandering off into the forest to recycle your body?

That still happens on a daily basis, but it's not usually intentional.

We have a poor general view of life and death

I don't usually try to equate people and animals - but we've dealt with enough pets over the years to know that the animal knows when it's time, and usually manages to find some way to let you know.

I think, in a lot of ways, we also know when it's time. But a big problem we have is convincing our family members to accept it. That's why a living will or other directives are so nice for peace of mind.

That's not to say there aren't stubborn folks among us who aren't able to accept it about themselves, then force their families into a futile, emotional, expensive battle to hold off the inevitable. I'm all in favor of going down swinging, but eventually you have to accept that when it's time, it's time.

 

[Ted]

I don't usually try to equate people and animals - but we've dealt with enough pets over the years to know that the animal knows when it's time, and usually manages to find some way to let you know.

I think, in a lot of ways, we also know when it's time. But a big problem we have is convincing our family members to accept it. That's why a living will or other directives are so nice for peace of mind.

That's not to say there aren't stubborn folks among us who aren't able to accept it about themselves, then force their families into a futile, emotional, expensive battle to hold off the inevitable. I'm all in favor of going down swinging, but eventually you have to accept that when it's time, it's time.

My grandmother was one of the stubborn folks. She refused to die, and kept on holding out hope for improvement after breaking her hip and her back. At age 92, it wasn't going to happen. Her brain deteriorated to the point where she was unable to make a decision for herself, a side effect of being in a nursing home where all she did was sit in her room for 23 hours out of the day and be brought out for meals. Unfortunately (in this case), her other organs worked well enough to keep her alive for another two years until she finally died. Those two years were horrible for everyone involved, but my mother and uncle were also too stubborn to admit that their mother was already dead, she just hadn't passed the message onto her body. They also weren't interested in visiting more than twice a year or so.

In my eulogy at her funeral I said that we had lost her some years ago, this was just her body catching up.

 

[steingar]

Losing my mother to Alzheimer's took away the "humor" of dementia. It's not a laughing matter.

Actually, for the patient it really isn't so bad. My old man knew something was up, but for the most part he had a good time. It was way harder on the rest of us. When I first met the future Mrs. Steingar, I talked about having a fast bike so if I became symptomatic I had a good way out. She thought that was horrid until she met my old man at the Home. After that she said she'd kiss me goodbye.

It is really hard for caregivers to remember that much of what they're seeing is disease, and the their loved one would never do much of that stuff and it truly isn't their fault. I have to commend our resident sufferer for his exemplary attitude. I can only wish him the best. Glad he still had a reason for the viagra.

I can echo something Ted said. My old man was much beloved in his community, unlike his miserable youngest son (a.k.a. yours truly). At his funeral his friends and associates clearly and loudly grieved. There wasn't a tear to be shed by his family; we'd lost him long before.

 

[Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe]

I think it is important to differentiate between the types of accomodations that are available. Retirement homes, assisted living, rehab centers, and nursing homes are all similar, yet different.

I've seen several retirement homes and assisted living centers that provided excellent living conditions and where the residents were very happy with their situation. No more maintaing a house, with the expenses and physical requirements that comes with. No more mundane chores like cooking, washing laundry (or dishes). For a relatively few more dollars a month, the home will manage your med's so you don't have to worry as much about missing a dose or double dosing. Depending on the ability of the resident, many permit residents to have vehicles and the resident(s) are free to come and go as they wish. That ain't a bad deal if you're an older person who isn't interested in doing chores any more. Instead, you have more time to do whatever you like.

Rehabilitation facilities and nursing homes are different, typically because the residents need more care and have less capability to take care of themselves. Obviously, most people in those facilities are there because they need to be, not because they choose to be.

At the last facility my mother was at, her neighbor had originally been there due to some problem that got better. She moved back home, but a short while later she moved back because she liked it better in the assisted living facility. And, there was another guy there that had moved in to be with his wife - after she died, he stayed there because he liked it there. The staff was GREAT, there were things to do, it was a nice place.

Making jokes about dementia:
Different people react differently to the same situation. You can focus on the sad parts (and it is very sad - just thinking about this subject got to me on the way to the airport this morning.) or you can try to look at the relativity bright points and even laugh about some of the crazy things that happen along the way - like the time I had to smash out a window to break into my sisters house - my sister and I still laugh about that one when it comes up.

 

[steingar]

I still fondly remember the time I revved my brother's race bike up to 150 to go chase my old man.

 

[Ted]

I can echo something Ted said. My old man was much beloved in his community, unlike his miserable youngest son (a.k.a. yours truly). At his funeral his friends and associates clearly and loudly grieved. There wasn't a tear to be shed by his family; we'd lost him long before.

My family isn't the crying sort, so they wouldn't have cried anyway. But a bunch of them hadn't realized that she had been lost years ago.

After her funeral, I had about a dozen little old ladies ask if I'd give a eulogy at their funerals. Maybe I've chosen the wrong profession.

 

[Bob Noel]

Actually, for the patient it really isn't so bad.
.

Actually, it depends.

It's true that some patients are pretty calm about it. But the reality is that a lot of Alzheimer's patients can be depressed and afraid because they don't understand what is happening and they don't know what's going on. Imagine the horror of knowing that you are losing basic skills like knowing where you live. Or not realizing that you are in your own bedroom. Or not understanding why you can't talk to your beloved grandfather (who died 70 years ago).

One challenge with Alzheimer's patients is that they lose the ability to reason cause and effect (some more than others). This makes it almost impossible to reason with them, that is, explaining why doing some action will make them feel better in the long run. It takes a special person to enter the Alzheimer's patient's world and have the patience to move them through even the most basic daily tasks.

 

[Ghery]

Losing my mother to Alzheimer's took away the "humor" of dementia. It's not a laughing matter.

Lost my mother-in-law to Alzheimer's, too. Not funny in any way, shape or form.

My dad passed away 3 years ago. At home. Hospice care. Complications from treatment for pancreatic cancer.

Mom (85) is still living in their condo. She still drives (fine) and thinks about moving into the local assisted living facility, but isn't ready yet. There is a local senior center that has a wide variety of activities and trips and it seems she's always going off doing something. Still active in our church in town, as well. She's fine mentally and (generally) physically. She'll make the decision when to move, we likely won't have to make it for her. I'm lucky there.