Dealing With Aging Parents

[Geico266]

One of those topics most everyone will need to deal with in their life time. Most times things go smooth, then there is my mother.

She lives at home, and seems to take good care of herself except for her medication. She had a stroke two years ago after she decided she felt okay and stopped taking her BP meds. She was given a second chance by recovering, but she is throwing it away! It is like dealing with a 4 year old. She will lie and say she is taking it, but when I took her BP it was 170 / 95. When I called her pharmacy to find out she has not been taking it for 4 months!

She lives 500 miles away so I am not there to monitor it everyday. My brother is less than excited about making daily visits to make sure she takes her meds. It is not money, mom is fine, but she is frugal.

My father in law lives alone, takes his meds religously, and we never have to even think about him lying about anything. He understands and does not want to burden us at all, and he is certainly not a burden.

Why are some old people so stubborn about taking meds?

Think about talking to your parents now about the steps you will take if they don't take their meds. Putting my mom in a home now against her will is a real possibility. We will start with an in home nursing visit, but this is the 3rd time she has lied about meds and it has affected her health. I cannot stand the thought of her having another stroke. This time she will not be so lucky to recover in 10 days.

 

[DavidWhite]

I feel you Geico. My grandma has pretty advanced alzheimers and my grandpa wouldnt let her go into a retirement home (because he would have to go to) She hasn't been talking for a couple weeks now, and yesterday she was wandering around the neighborhood. My mom spent the night at their house last night, and Grandpa will have to deal, because she is going into a home either today or tomorrow. They are in their mid 90s

 

[Geico266]

That is tough. Alzheimers sucks.

This is what I am talking about. Grandpa should be less concerned about himself and more concerned about grandma and his kids dealing with this.

I hope I am not speaking out of turn, but this is what we are dealing also. All people think about is themselves.

 

[DavidWhite]

That is tough. Alzheimers sucks.

This is what I am talking about. Grandpa should be less concerned about himself and more concerned about grandma and his kids dealing with this.

I hope I am not speaking out of turn, but this is what we are dealing also. All people think about is themselves.

My grandpa is the most stubborn person you will ever meet. He had a TIA once and instead of going to the ER he said he was fine and wouldnt let us take him. He treats my parents like crap (particularly my mom), he is a crochety mean old fart.

 

[Geico266]

My grandpa is the most stubborn person you will ever meet. He had a TIA once and instead of going to the ER he said he was fine and wouldnt let us take him. He treats my parents like crap (particularly my mom), he is a crochety mean old fart.

There is a cure for that, a nursing home.

How ungrateful of him, and your poor mom having to deal with his crap. What about her quality of life and piece of mind?

 

[DavidWhite]

There is a cure for that, a nursing home.

How ungrateful of him, and your poor mom having to deal with his crap. What about her quality of life and piece of mind?

Like you said, all he thinks about is himself. It really stresses everyone out, we are worried constantly. If my grandpa falls and cant get to a phone, my grandma wont have the presence of mind or ability to let someone know. We have someone come in from noon-5 daily and that takes alot of the workload off of us, but they need attention all the time.

 

[Henning]

Why do we feel the need to extend everybody's life in the face of overwhelming over population and the own persons will that they don't really care to continue?

If she doesn't want to take her meds have you considered that she knows that the result of that will be he dying a reasonably quick and pain free death? Have you considered the possibility that she's ok with the knowledge and the reality that she will die? Perhaps she doesn't take her meds because she's ready for her natural end? If you don't live near her or require her support, why are you so unwilling to let her finish her life as she pleases?

 

[steingar]

While I get tired of Henning's "lets reduce the population one person at a time staring with your relatives" shtick, there is some wisdom in what he's saying. If the elder relative is just looking for their ticket off the mortal coil, it is their choice. It sounds more like the relative is trying some false sense of frugality, and one might appeal to her reason in that way (emergency room visits are way more expensive than pills).

I don't like pills either, so I sympathize (it took several debilitating attacks of gout to get me to take a medication that is inexpensive and utterly innocuous. I don't get why old folks are so antithetic to custodial facilities. Theo new I've seen are really nice, like 5 star hotels. Most of the elders I've know just sit and watch TV anyway. What's the difference if you do it in your house or a facility?

 

[deltafox]

An on going battle between the right to choose, and the need for safety. Not children, unless mentally impaired they do have a right to make their own decisions. (Unfortunately they sometimes make stupid decisions...like skipping meds.) Where is the line between independence (living in their own place) and dependence (in the nursing home)? When do you take the car keys? Gramps is angry for a reason, probably because the "Golden Years" just aren't.

 

[Geico266]

Why do we feel the need to extend everybody's life in the face of overwhelming over population and the own persons will that they don't really care to continue?

If she doesn't want to take her meds have you considered that she knows that the result of that will be he dying a reasonably quick and pain free death? Have you considered the possibility that she's ok with the knowledge and the reality that she will die? Perhaps she doesn't take her meds because she's ready for her natural end? If you don't live near her or require her support, why are you so unwilling to let her finish her life as she pleases?

I agree!

When we talk to my mom she does not want to leave her home, very understandable. She puts out bird feeders, feeds squirrels, cuts the grass, plants flowers, and says she feels fine. (Reason for not taking meds) Does not sound to me like a person wanting to die though. But the disconnect come when it comes time for meds. Weird.

I get what you are saying. Extending life to unreasonable limits using extrodinary means is not helpful other than to enrichen someone's pockets.

 

[Skip Miller]

I am very lucky in this regard. My parents, now 95 and 90, moved into a modern continuing care facility 15 years ago. Voluntarily. When the time came, first my father, then my mother gave up driving. Mom didn't want to give it up, but Dad convinced her. Now their health has deteriorated to the point that Dad is in the nursing home section. Both suffer from dementia, but Alzheimers has not been diagnosed.

Recently Dad got pneumonia and gave it to Mom (and my brother). Dad was treated in-house, and Mom had to spend three nights in the hospital, and is now back in the rehab section of the home. She is due to be released this Saturday if all goes well.

The sad part is that all of this - compounded by the bad economy - will exhaust their financial resources in about a year, and they will go on Medicaid, if there is any funding left for that.

Because of the dementia we have the assisted living nurses show up at pill time and supervise the pill taking. It is not that Mom doesn't want to take the pills, she just forgets. Or forgets that she has already taken the pills, and will take them again.

It is very sad to see them like this. But they still recognize relatives by name on sight, and so we continue to do what we can to make their life easy. Most of that they have done for themselves by moving into this facility at an "early" age.

My wish for all of you is that your loved ones will age as gracefully as my parents.

Even so, this is not a fun period in my or my brother's life.

-Skip

 

[Henning]

I agree!

When we talk to my mom she does not want to leave her home, very understandable. She puts out bird feeders, feeds squirrels, cuts the grass, plants flowers, and says she feels fine. (Reason for not taking meds) Does not sound to me like a person wanting to die though. But the disconnect come when it comes time for meds. Weird.

I get what you are saying. Extending life to unreasonable limits using extrodinary means is not helpful other than to enrichen someone's pockets.

She is living out the natural process. If she dies of a heart attack or stroke like my grandma did, she will die having been spared the degradation of breaking down first. Quality of life counts too. I share a similar logic process is why I bring it up. Death by misadventure on my death certificate will suit me just fine, if that doesn't happen I aim for quick and mentally capable.

I just spent the last few days with mom and dad evaluating dad's condition a bit more deeply. If it is Alzheimer's the drug therapy is miraculous. My dad's thought process is as sharp as ever, complete cognition there, complete recognition. Long term memory is for the most part still there, he still remembers well and speaks clearly of something that happened when he was 12. Where his deficit is in his link between though process and process control in the short term memory link. The result in this is that my hypercautious mom thinks he's going to wander off and be eaten by cannibals if she ever leaves his side; therefor she endures listening to him ask what he's/they're doing every few minutes driving her nuts.

Now they live in a nice safe retirement community so I devised an experiment for them to run (good thing they were in medicine and research trials all their lives) that when it starts driving her nuts, she can put a tag in his hand that says "walk around property" and she can send him out in the yard like she used to do with us kids. As I said,he's still sharp and loves her and is not unsympathetic to her. So we'll see if it works. As soon as he has to make a decision he comes out of that broken loop and back into thought process and he is clear as ever. He will look down at his hand and say "Right, off I go" to the next decision point or questions it an comes back to thought process. She can intercept him easily and he will recognize home as he wanders by. He has no real physical infirmities and likes walking, so here's hoping.

 

[Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe]

After my father died, we had the conversation with mom - she was literally stamping her foot and insisting that she was going to stay in the house. But there was no way at all that she could really live on her own - so we took her to a retirement facility for a visit the next day. She then decided it might be OK. I think she was happier not being home by herself - they had things to do, there were people to talk to, etc. Plus, they came by with her medications as scheduled.

 

[AuntPeggy]

Thanks for the reminder. I just took my meds.

 

[Matthew]

Tough decisions.

Depending on the elderly parent - some will put together a health-care power of attorney simply so they don't have to make the decisions and then end up abdicating all desicions to a family member. That's a bad spot to be in. If that's your situation, then I can sympathize.

Others will put together a health-care power of attorney so their family member can work with them as much as possible to make sure their own choices are followed out. If that's the situation, then you need to sit down and have a long talk, then understand that she is making her own choices.

We've been dealing with a situation of our own for a number of years - it's no fun.

 

[Florida Cracker]

One of those topics most everyone will need to deal with in their life time. Most times things go smooth, then there is my mother.

She lives at home, and seems to take good care of herself except for her medication. She had a stroke two years ago after she decided she felt okay and stopped taking her BP meds. She was given a second chance by recovering, but she is throwing it away! It is like dealing with a 4 year old. She will lie and say she is taking it, but when I took her BP it was 170 / 95. When I called her pharmacy to find out she has not been taking it for 4 months!

She lives 500 miles away so I am not there to monitor it everyday. My brother is less than excited about making daily visits to make sure she takes her meds. It is not money, mom is fine, but she is frugal.

My father in law lives alone, takes his meds religously, and we never have to even think about him lying about anything. He understands and does not want to burden us at all, and he is certainly not a burden.

Why are some old people so stubborn about taking meds?

Think about talking to your parents now about the steps you will take if they don't take their meds. Putting my mom in a home now against her will is a real possibility. We will start with an in home nursing visit, but this is the 3rd time she has lied about meds and it has affected her health. I cannot stand the thought of her having another stroke. This time she will not be so lucky to recover in 10 days.

Everyone with an older parent feels for you but there is a real limit to how effective you can be in the face of intentional behavior. That is not to say you turn your back but beyond encouraging a loved one to be faithful with their obligations to themselves, you have few choices, that are not outrageous and destructive in their own way.

Our family dealt with this for over 15 years and I can tell you, the loved one will have an end of life event, with or without you worrying yourself to distraction. The only variable is timing. If she follow doctors orders, she might have an elongated period of good health, and might die in the next 20 minutes but the odds are well in her favor. If she doesn't, it will hurry things along and give you years of heartburn but either way, you have to find peace in the truth that these things were her choice.

 

[Doggtyred]

Why are some old people so stubborn about taking meds?
:

Its not confined to old people. This is a power struggle.... This is exerting control over WHAT she feels she can, in the face of perceived powerlessness over whatever - disease process, life, etc. I didn't say its healthy or logical, but I see this a LOT not only with patients but also with families.

And the harder you push, the harder they can dig their heels in, until the house of cards falls in.

Free will is a bugger. Your options are to accept it, or not accept it, but until she is no longer competent to manage her own affairs as managed by a judge (and simply not wanting to take meds and lying about it isn't grounds) you have to respect that shes making the choice and will have to live or die with the consequences.

Courts and medical ethics have repeated asserted that competent adult patients have the right to refuse health care and treatment, even when its beneficial. Even if they will DIE without it. Accept that its her choice.

 

[flightmedic]

I dealt with some of these same decisions for my father. He had been sick with various diseases over 18 years before he died 4 years ago. The last couple years he and my mother lived with me so I could care for him on my off days and I had a nurse (friend) come in when I was working.

I am now dealing with an uncle with Alzheimers. He is like a second father and fortunately had the foresight to buy long term care insurance years ago. So he lives in one of the best facilities in the area. He knows who we are but not much more beyond that. It is no quality of life and it would be best for him and all of us if one day he does not wake up and I have had that conversation with my aunt.

I guess our elderly family members have become our crosses to bear. I feel lucky I have the knowledge and resources to have help along their journeys.

 

[Bob Noel]

Think about talking to your parents now about the steps you will take if they don't take their meds. Putting my mom in a home now against her will is a real possibility. We will start with an in home nursing visit, but this is the 3rd time she has lied about meds and it has affected her health. I cannot stand the thought of her having another stroke. This time she will not be so lucky to recover in 10 days.

Also talk to your siblings. I hear lots of stories about siblings arguing about the right way to handle care for an elderly parent (and this can carry over to fights about who gets what after the inevitable death).

Unfortunately I can't offer any magic techniques that would enable you to convince your mom to take her meds. I was always the one that could convince my mother to take medication. Unfortunately she became more uncooperative in the last year of her life, until we were unable to take proper care of her and we had to place her in long term care.

Good luck

 

[John Baker]

One of those topics most everyone will need to deal with in their life time. Most times things go smooth, then there is my mother.

She lives at home, and seems to take good care of herself except for her medication. She had a stroke two years ago after she decided she felt okay and stopped taking her BP meds. She was given a second chance by recovering, but she is throwing it away! It is like dealing with a 4 year old. She will lie and say she is taking it, but when I took her BP it was 170 / 95. When I called her pharmacy to find out she has not been taking it for 4 months!

She lives 500 miles away so I am not there to monitor it everyday. My brother is less than excited about making daily visits to make sure she takes her meds. It is not money, mom is fine, but she is frugal.

My father in law lives alone, takes his meds religously, and we never have to even think about him lying about anything. He understands and does not want to burden us at all, and he is certainly not a burden.

Why are some old people so stubborn about taking meds?

Think about talking to your parents now about the steps you will take if they don't take their meds. Putting my mom in a home now against her will is a real possibility. We will start with an in home nursing visit, but this is the 3rd time she has lied about meds and it has affected her health. I cannot stand the thought of her having another stroke. This time she will not be so lucky to recover in 10 days.

I think there are a lot of older people out there who honestly believe their life is over. They convince themselves they have no future, so they give up caring if they live or die. They do whatever they want, and there is not much their offspring can do about it. If you can get her declared incompetent and yourself named as her care giver or whatever it's called, then you can stick her in a home. She will only live a few more years at best if you do that. Having someone check on her everyday is really about the best you can do if she is adamant about living in her home.

Another good tactic is to start talking about your inheritance, and how much it will help you when she goes. It might just get her mad enough to want to hang around as long as she can, so she might start looking after herself a little more. It also might cost you your inheritance, but then, so what?

Let her live in her home as long as you can. The woman across the street from my house had 24 hour care at home. She died last year of Alzheimer's.

One of her daughters had put her in a convalescent home and she started going down hill rapidly. That was the "good" daughter who did that.

The "bad" daughter, the family outcast, a full blown lesbian, shaved head, covered with ink, biker *****, one scary looking broad, came down from San Francisco and took her mother out of the facility and set her up back in her home with 24 hour care. She paid for it out of her own pocket. Her mother lived about two years or so longer than the doctors had predicted.

The old woman, her name was Betty, finally passed, in her own home. Her entire estate went to her grandson, the biker *****'s son, she had him while still trying to please her family years ago. He ended up with several million dollars in real estate. She owned a lot.

-John

 

[steingar]

Taking someone out of their home and inserting them into an institutional environment can have severe adverse consequences, ranging from confusion at the new surroundings to outright and willful noncompliance. It should be used as a last resort for the unwilling. That said, I don't understand the unwilling at all. The places I saw ere a lot nicer than my house. And if I don't have to cook it, the food has to be really bad before I won't like it.

 

[Geico266]

Taking someone out of their home and inserting them into an institutional environment can have severe adverse consequences, ranging from confusion at the new surroundings to outright and willful noncompliance. It should be used as a last resort for the unwilling. That said, I don't understand the unwilling at all. The places I saw ere a lot nicer than my house. And if I don't have to cook it, the food has to be really bad before I won't like it.

I agree wholeheartedly.

However, the "adverse consequences" are not my problem they are hers. It was her decision to play Dr. and stop taking her meds because she feels good. Stop taking meds go to home.

 

[Geico266]

Update.

Well, mom voluntarily (under threat of death ) signed a power of attorney for medical stuff to my brother, then me.

Thank you mom!


Now we get to make the decisions.


She is now starting to understand what all the fuss is about, but there is no turning back now. The decision has been made. We will now be in charge of her meds and have a care giver stop by once a day to organize her meds and medical care.


I want to thank all who posted similar stories and advice. I greatly appreciate all.

 

[steingar]

Good to hear. Part of the problem is the source of authority changes from them to you. That is a very difficult one to accept, if acceptance comes at all. I am gratified that it is working out for you.

 

[Piloto]

I no longer deal with aging parents but my children do. Is not that bad and if you keep yourself busy it is a lot of fun. I may have some memory loss but on the other hand I can still enjoy the old movies because I don't remember the outcome. I can talk more freely to the cute younger women because I know they are no taking me seriously. We all laugh together. Having a good sense of humor is important, otherwise you are going to feel depress and miserable. I always look at the funny side of things and that keeps me happy.

As an example on the above when my children sent me to El Manicomio Resort at Puebloloco I was involved in a dispute with two of the residents, Juan and Pedro. Juan was claiming that he was sent to Earth by God. Pedro was also claiming that he was the only one sent by God. Well, I told them the truth, that I didn't sent anyone yet

José

 

[Theboys]

Geico. I took care of my Dad for Four years while he was in ending stages of Alzheimers which he died from. The stress of it or shock then threw my Mom's early stage alzheimers in to high gear and I have now been taking care of her for four years full time. I never realized when they asked me back in the beginning to care for them that I was taking on as much as I ended up doing. There have been periods when the stress and the emotions were almost to much to bear. In my case I have Three brothers but none of them wanted to help or care for our parents. If your brother is the first caregiver it would be really great if you could help whenever possible and try to give him breaks from it. In the beginning of there downhill slide they aren't to demanding on your time or emotions. In the ending stages they allmost overwhelm your life. For me a little bout with flying every possible day and a hour workout is my stress relief. I enjoy both and i can kind of forget for a couple hours. I hope everything works out for all of you and that it doesn't take to much of a toll. My mother is nearing the end of her life now, probably within days. My thoughts and Prayers will be with you and If you would remind me when the EAA breakfast is I will try to make it one of these days soon. I would enjoy visiting with you.

 

[Ted]

My mother, unfortunately, is already showing early stages of dementia. She is following in the path of my grandmother - being stubborn and refusing to believe it. The woman can't handle her own affairs very well, and refuses to be responsible. She's also gotten particularly difficult to deal with.

It's no fun. I've already instructed people to put a bullet in my head if I get that way.

 

[Theboys]

A couple of friends were sitting around my pool in florida having a couple cool ones and we came up with the plan that we would all get together every week or so and if one of us was getting pretty bad dementia we would just throw them in the pool after getting them intoxicated. We would then call in couple hours later and later invite a new member into the group. Seemed like a great idea at the time.

 

[denverpilot]

My grandfather passed away last fall at 94. Looking back over his behavior we all realized collectively that he chose when he wanted to go.

He covered up that he'd taken a fall and broke a couple of ribs a week before my wife and I were out of town, then after he knew we were busy enough with the event out of town that we wouldn't turn right around and come home, he called dad and went to the hospital.

Just prior to us leaving he called me over to his place and had me re-write all of his phone list claiming he "was having trouble reading it". He really was making sure we could read it. A 94 year old's phone list is pretty short. He outlived all but one old friend. That friend was too weak to attend the memorial.

Tuesday of a week long trip dad got word of the ribs from the hospital Docs, and also that grandpa's cancer had come back. He'd already survived successful surgery to remove it once before and hated that entire process. He was a widower and missed grandma very much, but wouldn't say so.

By Wednesday he'd started what we now realize was a hunger strike which had him weak by Thursday night. He was transferred to hospice care Friday.

We were home by Sunday night. He passed away peacefully without really becoming conscious again a week and a half later.

I guess I'm sharing this to say, it doesn't really matter if they choose to take their meds or not. If they're "done" and choose to stop living at that age, they won't survive another month.

I agree with the "respect their choices" sentiment in the end. It's their life. As painful as it is to let go, we all realized that wiley old man, both did exactly what he knew we all needed -- to not see him suffer through a surely fatal relapse of his cancer -- and also exactly what he wanted. He'd watched his sister die of cancer in the late 50's and wasn't going to put us through it.

Things were a whirlwind those two and a half weeks. It was only later when we were talking about his various little "odd" behaviors that we realized he'd had a plan from the day Karen and I said we had to go out of town. His little visit he demanded with the phone number list was also his way of saying goodbye, in a sense. Later I realized that he was looking at me funny and was big on just sitting there talking for a few hours. He knew what he was doing.

In the end, we were all grateful that he was lucid and able to "look out for us" in his own way by making his own decision. He had a long life and enjoyed far more of it than he didn't. I tear up a little thinking of how he was thinking of us that whole time. He wanted nothing to do with nursing homes but also knew if he was sick, we'd have to go that route.

Dying was nothing he was scared of at 94. He was just "done". I can only hope to have that much control of my last days, someday. He got to choose his path and retain his dignity until the end, which is very rare.

 

[Bob Noel]

I no longer deal with aging parents but my children do. Is not that bad and if you keep yourself busy it is a lot of fun. I may have some memory loss but on the other hand I can still enjoy the old movies because I don't remember the outcome. I can talk more freely to the cute younger women because I know they are no taking me seriously. We all laugh together. Having a good sense of humor is important, otherwise you are going to feel depress and miserable. I always look at the funny side of things and that keeps me happy.

As an example on the above when my children sent me to El Manicomio Resort at Puebloloco I was involved in a dispute with two of the residents, Juan and Pedro. Juan was claiming that he was sent to Earth by God. Pedro was also claiming that he was the only one sent by God. Well, I told them the truth, that I didn't sent anyone yet

José

Losing my mother to Alzheimer's took away the "humor" of dementia. It's not a laughing matter.

 

[kyleb]

Dealing with these situations is tough. One thing I have learned is that our mortality isn't something to whisper about. It is healthy and extremely beneficial to discuss end of life issues while your parents (or you, for that matter) are still in good health. What are their (your) requests? Do they have all of their ducks in a row? If not, help get them in a row.

The death of a parent is bad enough, so take the time to make sure you have an idea of what type ceremony your loved one would want. Where do they have their emergency money (which you hopefully could access to help pay for a funeral, for instance). Make sure they have designated successors for their accounts. Right now, I'm fighting to recover custodial accounts my Mother set up for her grandchildren before she passed. Unfortunately, she didn't name a successor on the accounts, so I'm having to go through the legal system to get the accounts out of limbo. Dealing with that kind of thing is insult to injury following the death of a parent.

Another thing to watch for is to make sure one parent's illness and drama don't take down both of your parents. When my Mom's illness accelerated, we (my sister and I) did a very poor job of recognizing how far Dad had pushed himself in taking care of her. By the time we realized how far things had gone, Dad had accumulated enough problems himself that he needed to be placed in a rehabilitation center to rest and recuperate. Of course, he hid his problems from us, but in hindsight we should have picked up on the situation better.

 

[Piloto]

Losing my mother to Alzheimer's took away the "humor" of dementia. It's not a laughing matter.

It never is. But even those with Alzheimer will feel much better when you smile and hug them. Nothing please me more than seeing my children happy and laughing.

José

 

[Bob Noel]

It never is.

Then why try to joke about it?

But even those with Alzheimer will feel much better when you smile and hug them.

Absolutely.

 

[flightmedic]

Doing my job over the years I cannot tell you the number of elderly living at home by themselves and have no one to care for them. We also see many that are too stubborn to accept help. I work in an area that is predominately retirees with all their families up north. It is not a good combination at times.

 

[Piloto]

Then why try to joke about it?

Bob, I was never joking about your loss or illness condition. I was merely describing my viewpoint in life. I has been through very tough times to the point of being declared dead in two weeks (brain tumor in 1998). What kept me going up today is looking at the positive side of things. Like many of my vintage I still play Lotto dreaming of wining that Power Ball.

José

 

[kyleb]

She is living out the natural process. If she dies of a heart attack or stroke like my grandma did, she will die having been spared the degradation of breaking down first. Quality of life counts too. I share a similar logic process is why I bring it up.

One of the realities of today's world is that we typically live longer and better than our predecessors, but arguably die worse. Modern medicine is such a double edged sword in that it can greatly extend the quality portion of your life. But it can greatly extend the non-quality portion of your life too. That's the tough part.

 

[Alexb2000]

Most of my family is now gone. Having faced this situation many times here are my conclusions:

On nursing homes: While there may be exceptions, I would rather put a bullet in my head than go to any of the nursing homes I visited. If you haven't been to one, go take a look, it's inhumane IMO. That said I would have to respect someone else's desire not to go into one either. In our case we brought in help, cost a lot, but made the last years for our loved ones a joy instead of enduring conditions worse than any prison in America. That smell.... yish.

On taking meds: None of us gets out alive, what difference does it really make? By that logic why not disown someone that drinks, smokes, eats fried foods, etc? After all they're making decisions that will increase the odds that they will need the family to help with medical care in the future.

I had an uncle that died suddenly of a massive coronary at 65. He went surrounded by two half burned cigars, a carton of cigarretes, 1/3 bottle of Jack Daniels, and 5 empty milkshake cups. Happiest person I ever met. He saw a doctor a handful of times, took no meds, and never spent a night in a hospital or nursing home his entire life. I only hope to be so lucky.

 

[kyleb]

Most of my family is now gone. Having faced this situation many times here are my conclusions:

On nursing homes: While there may be exceptions, I would rather put a bullet in my head than go to any of the nursing homes I visited.

I think it is important to differentiate between the types of accomodations that are available. Retirement homes, assisted living, rehab centers, and nursing homes are all similar, yet different.

I've seen several retirement homes and assisted living centers that provided excellent living conditions and where the residents were very happy with their situation. No more maintaing a house, with the expenses and physical requirements that comes with. No more mundane chores like cooking, washing laundry (or dishes). For a relatively few more dollars a month, the home will manage your med's so you don't have to worry as much about missing a dose or double dosing. Depending on the ability of the resident, many permit residents to have vehicles and the resident(s) are free to come and go as they wish. That ain't a bad deal if you're an older person who isn't interested in doing chores any more. Instead, you have more time to do whatever you like.

Rehabilitation facilities and nursing homes are different, typically because the residents need more care and have less capability to take care of themselves. Obviously, most people in those facilities are there because they need to be, not because they choose to be.

 

[AdamZ]

Why do we feel the need to extend everybody's life in the face of overwhelming over population and the own persons will that they don't really care to continue?

If she doesn't want to take her meds have you considered that she knows that the result of that will be he dying a reasonably quick and pain free death? Have you considered the possibility that she's ok with the knowledge and the reality that she will die? Perhaps she doesn't take her meds because she's ready for her natural end? If you don't live near her or require her support, why are you so unwilling to let her finish her life as she pleases?

Well Stroke does not necessarily mean death. It very often means a horrible existence post stroke.

As for the elderly parents my folks are still young compared to most my dad is 71 and mom is 70 they are bright and active and can be stubborn as well. If we think about why the older folks resist moving into care facilities or giving things up I think that people need to understand its like giving up your independence bit by bit and that is a tough thing.

 

[Matthew]

If we think about why the older folks resist moving into care facilities or giving things up I think that people need to understand its like giving up your independence bit by bit and that is a tough thing.

Yep - and they all know what "nursing home" means. It means you'll never leave. Folks in an assisted living or other senior living arrangements are very aware of what happens when you decline to the point where you get moved out of there and into the nursing care facility.