Telemarketers

[Ken Ibold]

I love being on the Do Not Call list. However, some companies try to convince you that you've done business with them before but just can't remember it. For those, I submit the solution I got by email today:

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer?" Not sounding anything like my name, I asked, "Who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get some pictures of the body at various angles and concentrate on the blood smears and bloody footprints."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case. He protested that he was just a telemarketer and knew nothing about any murder.

Ignoring his protestations, I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, cell phone number, who he worked for, Social Security number, driver's license number, had he ever been arrested, how he knew the dead guy, how long had he known Mr. Brummer; where he had been, and could he prove where he had been, about one hour before he made this phone call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned, confused, and his answers were given in a shaky voice, but he continued to answer my questions. He sounded like it was not the first time he had answered a police officer's questions. I then told him we had located his position and police officers were entering the building where they were to take him into custody.

At that point I heard the phone fall to the floor and the scurrying of his feet running away.

As I returned to our dinner table, my friend asked me why I had tears streaming down my face. So help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was now cold, but it was the best meal I had eaten in a long, long time.

 

[Ghery]

I'll have to post that one by the phone in case we are ever bothered by a telemarketer. That's great!

 

[gismo]

Wow! Did you really come up with this on the spur of the moment? If so you are one creative guy. Even if you planned this out for the next telemarketer's dinnertime call, it is beautiful.

 

[Greebo]

Good GOD thats funny! I have to remember that one!!!

Our best story so far is the time the telemarketer called and my wife picked up the phone and said frantically, "MOM DID THEY GET THE KIDNEY???", which confused the caller, and carol went on about how her mom was supposed to get a new kidney and we had to keep the line clear.

I don't think we ever heard back from that one...

 

[Dave Krall CFII]

The telemarketer was getting very concerned, confused, and his answers were given in a shaky voice, but he continued to answer my questions. He sounded like it was not the first time he had answered a police officer's questions. I then told him we had located his position and police officers were entering the building where they were to take him into custody.

At that point I heard the phone fall to the floor and the scurrying of his feet running away.

quote]

Wow, that's borderline evil. I like it.

 

[EdFred]

Find the CD Revenge Of (on?) the Telemarketer by Tom Mabe. Hilarious.

 

[fgcason]

Ken, that's better than my typical routine of when they call for Mrs Day (no clue who anyone named Day is but that's who they consistently call for) I go wacko about how she was just gunned down or run over by a car in front of me in front of the house not 10 minutes before and the ambulance hadn't even got here yet. I can usually get them crying before I'm done with them...and it doesn't matter what their gender is, I can get them crying.

The ones that I can't stand are the ones that call up and start acting like we're friends already. When I ask who they are, they act offended that I forgot then remind me that I gave them my number to call me about donating to their cause in the local bar a couple weeks ago. At that point I'm just, well, not nice. If I don't answer, they leave a message on my answering machine with the same basic script.

 

[poadeleted20]

Fran's favorite, spoken in my best imitation of the voice of the Reverend Deuteronomy Skaggs of the Great White Church of the Old Time Gospel (aka Gary Burbank of WLW in Cincinnati): "I'm REALLY glad you called because I'd like to tell you about getting JAY-zus into your life!"

[click]

Dinner stays hot, and they never call back.

 

[AdamZ]

Ken that is AWESOME. One of my favorties I made up was a few years back. We were getting a lot of calls from home repair businesses. They typically said Hi Mr. Zucker were in your negiborhood doing work and we'd like to give you a free estimate on what ever. Often it was a roofer. I'd tell them I'd love to get an estimate to repair my thatched roof and do they do thached roofs. Or I'd try to sell them the exact service or product they are trying to sell me.

 

[poadeleted20]

Ken that is AWESOME. One of my favorties I made up was a few years back. We were getting a lot of calls from home repair businesses. They typically said Hi Mr. Zucker were in your negiborhood doing work and we'd like to give you a free estimate on what ever. Often it was a roofer. I'd tell them I'd love to get an estimate to repair my thatched roof and do they do thached roofs. Or I'd try to sell them the exact service or product they are trying to sell me.

On a similar note, we had a local chimney sweep that telemarketed us for years to have their service on our last house. Finally, after five or six years of telling them no, and don't call back, Fran said, "OK, come on out and give us one of your free estimates." They showed up, looked at the house, and said, "Lady, you're wasting our time -- you don't have a chimney!" Fran replied, "I've been telling you that for five years. Now will you stop calling us?" It worked.

 

[bbchien]

I love being on the Do Not Call list. However, some companies try to convince you that you've done business with them before but just can't remember it. For those, I submit the solution I got by email today:

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer?" Not sounding anything like my name, I asked, "Who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get some pictures of the body at various angles and concentrate on the blood smears and bloody footprints."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case. He protested that he was just a telemarketer and knew nothing about any murder.

Ignoring his protestations, I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, cell phone number, who he worked for, Social Security number, driver's license number, had he ever been arrested, how he knew the dead guy, how long had he known Mr. Brummer; where he had been, and could he prove where he had been, about one hour before he made this phone call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned, confused, and his answers were given in a shaky voice, but he continued to answer my questions. He sounded like it was not the first time he had answered a police officer's questions. I then told him we had located his position and police officers were entering the building where they were to take him into custody.

At that point I heard the phone fall to the floor and the scurrying of his feet running away.

As I returned to our dinner table, my friend asked me why I had tears streaming down my face. So help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was now cold, but it was the best meal I had eaten in a long, long time.

ROTFLMAO!

 

[fgcason]

Ken that is AWESOME. One of my favorties I made up was a few years back. We were getting a lot of calls from home repair businesses. They typically said Hi Mr. Zucker were in your negiborhood doing work and we'd like to give you a free estimate on what ever. Often it was a roofer. I'd tell them I'd love to get an estimate to repair my thatched roof and do they do thached roofs. Or I'd try to sell them the exact service or product they are trying to sell me.

I get those same calls. If I don't answer, they leave messages on my machine. It's for a roof or yardwork or a new fence or whatever. Most of them just have a phone number. The ones that have my address, I ask them to verify it for me and make sure they're trying to do the roof. Then reverify they have the right address. It usually takes them 3-4 times of repeating my address before they catch onto the yadda yadda APARTMENT # yadda bit. How hard could it be to put a filter on the software to bounce apartments out of a roofing business speed dial sales slime database. Idgets.


Here's a fun one I've done a few times..if you don't mind risking the police showing up at your door (they never have..yet)
RING!!!!
They start leaving a message on the machine.
Lift the receiver then "shhhhhhhhhh. You're way too loud"
"Huh? Hi I'm your friend are you the owner of the house?"
"SHHHHHHHHHH. No he's upstairs asleep."
"Oh ok are you..."
"I said shush. Hold on. Leroy, yea the stereo too."
"Dangit, you klutz!" "Look, I gotta go, the alarm just went off."
"Wait a minute, who are y"
"RUN!"
CLICK

 

[p8cleared2land]

I just realized it's been a loooonnnng time since I got a call from a telemarketer. Bummer....

 

[Steve]

The dome is highly resistant to siding and roofing salesmen!

 

[bkreager]

My parents got the telezapper, it actually works incredibly well. My mom told me that when I was two or three a telemarketer called, asked for ____, so she gave the phone to me, wonder what the guy on the other end thought

 

[EdFred]

Of course the quick and simple one to thrown them off their game is if they ask for Mrs (and you are a Mr.) say you are her.

 

[Ken Ibold]

My parents got the telezapper, it actually works incredibly well. My mom told me that when I was two or three a telemarketer called, asked for ____, so she gave the phone to me, wonder what the guy on the other end thought

One day the home line rang and I answered it.

"Hello, is Steven Ibold there?"
"Steven? You want to talk to Steven?" I started laughing. "Can I ask who's calling?"
"This is so and so from XYZ Visa."
"You want to give Steven a Visa card?"
"Can I talk to him, please?"
Laughing, I managed to get out, "Um, no, he's at school right now."
"Why are you laughing? This is Steven, isn't it?"
"No. Uh, Steven is 4."
"He's 4?"
"Yep. He's at day care."
"Oh. Well. Nevermind I guess."

 

[kevin47881]

I am relentless in asking for their home phone number so I can call them back when it's convenient for ME. When they respond that they cannot give out that information I ask if they work for the KGB or Mafia. I just love when they hang up. These folks really are scum of the earth as a good percentage (no, not all) of them are locked up anyway calling on behalf of xyz company from jail or prison.

 

[flyingcheesehead]

Of course the quick and simple one to thrown them off their game is if they ask for Mrs (and you are a Mr.) say you are her.

Yeah, I love the ones I get for "Mr. or Mrs. Shook"

 

[Let'sgoflying!]

What is with the taped telemarketing? makes it easier to hang up but gives no option to tell them to knock it off (I thought that was a legal option we had).
Also seems like the DNC list is only partially effective... we still get all sorts of 'charitable organizations' and political candidate calls.

 

[poadeleted20]

Also seems like the DNC list is only partially effective... we still get all sorts of 'charitable organizations' and political candidate calls.

IIRC, those are two of the three exceptions to the rule (the first on the basis that it's charitable, and the second on First Amendment free speech grounds), the third being prior business relationship.

Side note: I keep reading the First Amendment over and over, and while I have no trouble finding the part giving everyone the right to speak freely, I've never been able to find the part that gives them the right to a free audience.

 

[JRitt]

I just tell them to hold on a minute so I can get my wife on the other line. Then I set the phone down and go back to what I am doing. All of my friends call me on my cell phone. But now I think I am going to find that CD to get revenge on them.

 

[RogerT]

I just tell them to hold on a minute so I can get my wife on the other line. Then I set the phone down and go back to what I am doing. All of my friends call me on my cell phone. But now I think I am going to find that CD to get revenge on them.

You know .. that's pretty much what I do. Except when they call and ask
for me I just say "just a minute, I'll get him". Then I lay the phone down
and go back to what I was doing.