St Francis Explaining Grass to God:

Discussion in 'Hangar Talk' started by John Baker, May 13, 2011.

  1. John Baker

    John Baker Final Approach

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    St Francis Explaining Grass to God: Thought you gardeners would enjoy this conversation between God and St. Francis. It’s pretty funny because it’s so true.

    GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.

    But, allI see are these green rectangles.

    ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites! They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

    GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

    ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any otherplant that crops up in the lawn.

    GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

    ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

    GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

    ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

    GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

    ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

    GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

    ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

    GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

    ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

    GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

    ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

    GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

    ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

    GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

    ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

    GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

    ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about...



    GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
     
  2. Jaybird180

    Jaybird180 Final Approach

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    I hold my head in shame as I read this...and it sinks deeper still as I contemplate competing with my neighbor who has the greenest grass on our street.

    Lord, I confess but do I have to give up my John Deere?
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2011
  3. barnstorm

    barnstorm Pre-Flight

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    Fantastic! thank you!
     
  4. Skylane81E

    Skylane81E Final Approach

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    I needed that
    1) I'm buying a house so I get to look forward to all that crap
    2) My bank is attempting to screw up the procces involved with #1 so I needed the laugh.
     
  5. tonycondon

    tonycondon Gastons CRO (Chief Dinner Reservation Officer)

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    heh and yet i turned the sprinkler on last week...although i'm perfectly content just keeping the crabgrass and dandelions knocked down
     
  6. One Short

    One Short Line Up and Wait

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    I like dandelions, violets, wild strawberry and Indian paint brush. Sometimes I mow around them so I can look at them longer. I only mow when I can see the grass sway as I fly over and the wind rows that result give the yard a terraced look. Mowing only every 2-4 weeks allows more time for flying. I don't fertilize and I don't water. The weeds stay green all year even under the snow. I have bees and butterflies and the deer like my yard.
    Me and God must be like this......:fcross:

    Barb
    (Of course, my house is in the middle of nowhere and no one else can see it from the road)
     
    Dana likes this.
  7. John Baker

    John Baker Final Approach

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    My house is pretty much isolated from public view. I live alone and am proud to have God as my landscaper. I don't have a lawn to cut, the only thing I do is spray some water here and there, now and then, and fill the bird feeder.

    My brother stops by once in a while and gives me his same ol lecture about what a great place I would have if I would just have some landscaping done, I don't have to, I like the way it looks. Being as how it's my house, that is as it should be.

    Life is good. :)

    John
     
  8. fgcason

    fgcason En-Route

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    That's good. Is there one like that about houses?

    My backyard is several million square miles. It's too damned big to mess with even if I wanted to which I don't. I figure that since nature took several billion years to make it just this way in precise detail including all the little variations and redesigns along the way, my feeble little mind wouldn't be able to improve on the design and certainly not on the looks.
    Besides, mowing the grass would be pointless: Mow straight for 1500 miles, turn 90 degrees go straight for another 1500 miles, turn 90 degrees... :loco:

    Right now I'm living in foot deep wild grass, weeds and flowers scattered among the dirt patches with trees around me, star filled skies at night and deer in the mornings. There's not an artificial yard in existence that could beat this...and this isn't even the good stuff.
     
  9. rottydaddy

    rottydaddy En-Route

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    I prefer "wild", too... landing the glider on the grass at 47N just wouldn't be the same without the dandelions. And grasshoppers.

    And what's with the explosion of power tools for yard care? Has everyone gone insane? I know some lawns need a power mower to get the job done in one day, but a sharp reel mower cuts grass just as well, and it is no harder than pushing a non-self-propelled power mower. Same goes for small shrubberies or hedges... does anybody use clippers anymore?

    I've only had two small (rented) yards of my own in my life, and never used anything electric or gas-poweredon them; watered only when it was so bad it was getting dusty, left the cut grass where it fell for mulch, and didn't bother with the weeds. Also didn't rake after the first snow; better to let the dead leaves protect things all winter, then rake in the spring. They were very nice, healthy lawns. Not golf greens, just nice green spaces that welcomed non-obnoxious critters.

    Remember the sound of the neighbors raking leaves or sweeping the walk? You could actually talk while this was going on. How can you enjoy your yard if every nice Sunday is filled with the whine, buzz and roar of leaf blowers and powered edge trimmers? I once saw a neighbor spend about 20 minutes trying to get a single wet leaf off his driveway with a gasoline leaf blower. Wanted to go out there and stick that thing where the sun doesn't shine... "Get a rake!!!"

    Last place I lived with a lawn, I soon realized that the deep quiet of winter in the (mostly seasonal) mountain neighborhood was deceptive... from the first day of summer to the last, nonstop mowers, trimmers, weed whackers, blowers, vacs, and of course chain saws. Summer Sundays in the city are more peaceful. :dunno:
     
  10. flyingcheesehead

    flyingcheesehead Touchdown! Greaser!

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    I bet the folks from http://www.stopthenoise.org/ have every power lawn tool in the book. :incazzato:
     
  11. Ghery

    Ghery Final Approach

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    When we relandscaped a few years ago what little lawn we had was removed and replace with a flower garden. I don't evenown a mower anymore. :D

    Now, that ivy covered hillside was a lot less work to maintain than the terraced garden that's there now.
     
  12. fgcason

    fgcason En-Route

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    Are reel mowers sold anywhere anymore other than at True Value or farm supply places? I've never seen one at a HD or Lowes and haven't seen one in a Sears since I was a kid.

    About 6 years ago I took something to a house of someone I worked with about the time we all got laid off. This wasn't 5 acre lots or even half acre lots. It was in one of those zero lot line rabbit hutch residential areas with a front yard the size of a postage stamp and the back yard that requires a micrometer to measure it's size. As I was riding along the street looking for the house a 30something year old guy was out on his riding mower cutting the grass. Kindergarten safety scissors would have taken about two hours to do the entire yard - front and back.
     
  13. rottydaddy

    rottydaddy En-Route

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    I think I got mine at WalMart. Don't remember the brand, but it was a good one, if not quite as sturdy as the ones I recall growing up. When I moved back to the city, I gave it to some friends who have a tiny backyard in Brooklyn.

    :dunno:
     
  14. tonycondon

    tonycondon Gastons CRO (Chief Dinner Reservation Officer)

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    i got my reel mower at Lowe's. Its a Fiskars model, got good reviews online and works pretty good. as is advertised, it will not cut through really tall stuff so if i let the dandelions or crab grass get too long then i have to pull them by hand. it also will not cut through sticks, as noted in the manual. but it keeps my yard knocked down and we have a small lot. i like it.
     
  15. flyingcheesehead

    flyingcheesehead Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Oh, just admit it, you hate engines. ;)
     
  16. tonycondon

    tonycondon Gastons CRO (Chief Dinner Reservation Officer)

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    :rofl:

    although with our small yard a gas mower seemed pretty overkill. it only takes about 15 minutes to cut the grass with the reel mower.
     
  17. steingar

    steingar Taxi to Parking

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    I live in the city, so the yards are small, just the way I like it. I'd rather fly than garden. My neighbor used a push mower for what little grass we have. I offered to go in on a gas mower, and he jumped at the opportunity. Those who like push mowers have never had to use one.

    I'd just let it all grow rank but I am married an in the city. Nicer if the property looks inhabited. Keeps out the riff raff.
     
  18. tonycondon

    tonycondon Gastons CRO (Chief Dinner Reservation Officer)

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    what didn't your neighbor like about his?
     
  19. steingar

    steingar Taxi to Parking

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    It didn't cut the grass very well when it got long (which it does every Spring, like right now.

    It is also hard work.
     
  20. rottydaddy

    rottydaddy En-Route

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    My yards were rather small, for sure, so it wasn't a big deal for me, but what I used to do, if it had been awhile, was first go out there with a hand scythe (not a big one like the Grim Reaper uses, but a light one-hander; and very sharp) and knock everything down a bit. Then I'd use the reel mower. Didn't really weed, except for big clumps of that weird broad-leafed stuff (not skunk cabbage but similar) or poison ivy, and I certainly didn't put pesticides down. I'd do one light pass with the rake, chuck those cuttings in the woods, and leave the rest to mulch. I thought my yard looked pretty good, but then, I like dandelions. :D But the planted grass competed pretty well with the wild stuff; it was a nice mix.

    As for the place looking uninhabited: I've seen very well-kept houses with even tall-grass, wild gardens out front- wildflowers, even small shrubs here and there- and they didn't look abandoned. If one is worried about intruders using tall grass for cover as they sneak up on your house, maybe mines or trip wires are in order. :D
     
  21. tonycondon

    tonycondon Gastons CRO (Chief Dinner Reservation Officer)

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    the reel mower that i got pushes just as easy or easier than any push gas mower that i've ever used. as far as cutting long grass yes if you are mowing hay then the reel mower is not the best option. as i said above it doesnt like my long crabgrass or dandelions. if you are looking for a perfectly level buzz cut then you have two options:

    gas mower

    well maintained all grass yard regularly trimmed with a reel mower.
     
  22. Jaybird180

    Jaybird180 Final Approach

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    Back in the day, I used to own 2 2-cycle Lawn Boy self-propelled mowers (bought 1 used, the other given to me). They were both fickle and it took up to 4.5hrs to cut the grass.

    I moved, bought a new house with same dimensioned real estate, got smart and bought the lawn tractor. Now cutting, trimming, edging and blowing takes 1.5hrs total.
     
  23. steingar

    steingar Taxi to Parking

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    Not my call, never used one. But my neighbor jumped at the opportunity to split the cost of a gas mower. Bought a little Sears mower that I still use. Works fine.
     
  24. BillTIZ

    BillTIZ Final Approach

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    Desert landscaping, shrubs cactus and rocks. There is only 500sqft of grass in the back yard. Saves water, saves mowing. But those dang desert mesquite trees are a mess to clean off the rocks. Worse than pine needles.

    Great story, thanks for the laugh.
     
  25. sohado

    sohado Filing Flight Plan

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    I laughed so hard while I read this! Thanks for sharing. I really think that human beings should be aware that we spend too much money in things which the nature can do alone, like using the leaves as a natural fertilizer. I know a serenta florist who already does it like that- the flowers grow wild and he makes bouquets out of it and it's a big hit!
     
  26. Let'sgoflying!

    Let'sgoflying! Touchdown! Greaser! PoA Supporter

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    Warning; necro. ~1 year.
     
  27. Threefingeredjack

    Threefingeredjack En-Route

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    :rofl: Too true! We live on a small hunk of land in a rural area. We have a lawn just big enough to be a firebreak, a narrow 5' wide rock "garden" surrounds this, and then the only manicuring we do is to mow the natural grass over an area of about 3 acres all around and keep the juniper trees trimmed up off the ground. The deer and rabbits keep it fertilized.
     
  28. John Q. Miller

    John Q. Miller Filing Flight Plan

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    Yes, even before we discuss the cannabis aspect, "grass" is a long discussion, especially in Dubuque, the home of John Deere. Man who bought a Kubota mower? Tarred, feathered, out of town on rail.
     
  29. SoonerAviator

    SoonerAviator Final Approach PoA Supporter

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    Wow, necro thread from 2011-2012 on your first post. Impressive!