Sac Arrow
Touchdown! Greaser!
- Joined
- May 11, 2010
- Messages
- 21,566
- Location
- Charlotte, NC
- Display Name
- Snorting his way across the USA
First of all, things got off to a bad start.
"Sac, I'm going to Carl's for lunch. Wanna come along?"
"Sure, I'll drive."
"Um, actually... I was thinking we take my new Lincoln."
"Lincoln?"
See here's the thing. Recently there has been a rash of Lincoln commercials featuring Matthew McConaughey. Like the one above. Where, McConaughey is all dressed in a tux, driving a sedate, domestic, old persons car, and all the while he's dreaming about some old black dude dressed in a tux. The commercial has some serious gay interracial undertones in it. And to make matters worse, dude is like nervously tapping his fingers on the wheel with a s**t eating grin, the same exact way. I don't know where this is going.
But see, I seize the opportunity to turn a positive into every negative. Let's... rate a burger! Carl's has a new Steakhouse Thickburger! Yay! Ostensibly it looks like this...
What it really looks like is this...
No matter, we get it, maybe it's the lettuce wrap. Well, okay. Two things of note: 1. It has blue cheese on it. 2. It has crispy onions on it. 3. It has A1 steak sauce on it. Oh I guess that's three.
Blue cheese originated in France. Well I guess there are many forms of it but it's predominantly French. Don't bother calling me on that assertion because I already Googled it. Onions I kind of view more of an Italian product. I guess they have onions in France but Italy is more of an onion growing region I think. And A1 Steak Sauce originated in England, and was later brought to the U.S. See where I'm going with this, conflicted. Conflicted.
I'm not even sure the totally stacked Latina manager was on board with the whole thing. Normally, she gives me this "would you like to try our new..." spiel. But not this time. She didn't even suggest it. But she had a perversely delighted look on her face when I ordered it. Not sure what that meant.
But in actual practice, it wasn't that bad. It grows on you. Kind of like Donald Trump's hair, except that Donald Trump's hair can't grow. I like blue cheese, onions and steak sauce, but it never occurred to me to put them all together in one place. It was kind of like back in the college days when you might have a can of tuna in the dorm, and your roomie had half a bottle of Kraft bbq sauce in the fridge and there was some packets of powdered Parmesan cheese under the bunk left over from last semester. Didn't seem logical, but you did what you had to do.
Well it kind of worked. The flavors didn't all just come together. They took turns with each other. There was the blue cheese, then the onions, then the steak sauce. And then, the onions would jump back in, then some sauce, and after it recovered, the blue cheese again. Kind of being in the middle of a gay interracial orgy. Maybe Matthew McConaughey was on to something.
It's important to note that I gave up something to try this out. Bacon. The default would have been a Double Bacon Western Cheeseburger. Or two singles for six dollars. Or that new Tex Mex "Thickburger", which is actually quite good and it doesn't make you feel like the pivot man in a circle jerk.
As I wrapped things up, something was just... missing. Like, there wasn't enough of it. This is a make or break point. I tell dude to stay in the right turn lane so we can maneuver in to the parking lot with the Burger King in it, despite the presence of a loaded semi in front of us so I could grab a Whopper for the road. Several minutes later, we clear the intersection, and I decide, "nnnnaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh" and we continue back to the office with no further adieu.
See, If I would have stopped for a Whopper, I would have ripped that burger to literary shreds. But I'll give it a pass. It's a C student in the University of Low Expectations. The product of Heald, not Cornell. I felt a little bit like Steve Harvey trying to pick out a winner. Although, in Miss Universe terms, this burger was not a runner up. This burger was a contestant that got eliminated at State level. From the Rhode Island quarter finals.
Would I get another one? Possibly, but only to see the look on the Latina's face again. Maybe she might offer some strange out of pity. (It's not like any other tact is working.)
