NA. How to treat parents?

bflynn said:
Add on - retirements homes are a no. I don't care what it takes, figure out how to do it without them. If you ever visit and it looks like a bunch of old people waiting to die, you're spot on. You can hire a home care service 4 hours a day to clean, provide company, and make food for far less. But probably your parent should live with one of you.
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55+ or older communities are great for older parents. They're around people their own age, they tend to be planned communities with a central building with things to do. They tend to have contracts with landscapers and housekeepers, and home health care aids nearby if needed.

Would I live in one? Hell no. But maybe when I'm 80.
 
Bob Noel said:
kind of like the people who spend their time staring at their phones... um.....
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Touche, however I look at computers and the phone far far less now than when I was working. I used to cycle when I was a young man, and I've joined a bicycle club, redescovered cycling, and I'm having a blast. So far this year, 185 rides, 4,900mi, and 271,000ft of climbing. Great scenery, it's fun, social, and so good for you. When I'm not cycling, I'm doing some sailboat racing, motorcycling, and flying. The TV only gets turned on in the evenings, and only when there is college football, college basketball, or NFL on TV. Otherwise I have no use for TV. I've not watched a single newscast or news station in over a year, and I'm happy as a lark.
 
falconkidding said:
Figured i'd ask the hivemind here since i'm sure someone has experience in this area.
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It's possible to *politely* fight fire with fire.

"You know I'm not really a believer anymore, but the lessons you taught me growing up still stuck in a lot of ways..."

Tipping:
“A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed” (Proverbs 11:25)
“The wicked borrows but does not pay back, but the righteous is generous and gives” (Psalm 37:21)

Alcohol:
“And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit.” (Ephesians 5:18)
“So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Cor. 10:31)
“Drink your wine with a merry heart.” (Ecclesiastes 9:7)
wine “that makes glad the heart of men.” (Psalm 104:14-15)
"I will bring my exiled people of Israel back from distant lands, and they will rebuild their ruined cities and live in them again. They will plant vineyards and gardens; they will eat their crops and drink their wine." (Amos 9:14)
"“Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price." (Isaiah 55:1)
Not to mention that Jesus turned water into wine *for a party* (a wedding reception specifically). It was actually one of his more notable moments and first miracle and something like 120 gallons.

Cable news:
"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him." (1 John 2:15)
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." (Romans 12:2)
"And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light." (2 Corinthians 11:14)
"For they loved the glory that comes from man more than the glory that comes from God." (John 12:43)

Rock Music:
The bible is filthy with instructions to sing and enjoy music, so I can only imagine that they are more concerned about music that glorifies satan or man and surely must be aware that christian rock exists and (I hope) would find it acceptable.

I don't know what to tell you about their fad diets and the implication that neutral or acidic beverages will cause cancer. It isn't the bible, but I deflect nonsense like that with simple statements like "Mayo clinic doesn't seem to agree with that". And make them argue that places like that are part of a grand conspiracy.

newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org

Mayo Clinic Q and A: For most people, drinking plain water is the best way to stay hydrated - Mayo Clinic News Network

DEAR MAYO CLINIC: I’ve heard that alkaline water is better at rehydrating your body than nonalkaline, or plain, water. Is this true? ANSWER: In short, for most people, plain water is better. But first, it’s important to understand the definition of alkaline water. Scientists use pH to describe...
newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org
 
Morgan3820 said:
I think it’s interesting that you all assume that it’s the parents problem.
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I can only go on what he described. Based on what he described, it's the parents problem.

Best case, they don't know the bible very well and sincerely believe the parts they have cherry picked.

Worst case, they have become corrupt by the false angels on cable news and have fallen from grace.

Unfortunately, if the description is at all valid, it sounds more like the latter.
 
Feeling pretty fortunate that my relationship with my parents has always been great. We certainly have our differences, but nothing that causes any sort of tension. I am my father's son, no doubt, lol. Mom's certainly more traditional/devout on the church involvement, but that's a product of her upbringing as well. They are certainly more conservative than I am, politically, but not so much that is causes a problem. They don't watch mainstream news much, so that probably helps. They realize American politics has become increasingly hostile and voting is a choice between a douche and a turd sandwich. They never drank to excess when I was growing up, neither do I. No smoking, no drugs, fairly frugal spenders who saved/invested wisely for retirement. Not ultra-wealthy, but certainly very comfortable. Hopefully my sister wants all of their stuff when they do pass on.
 
Bill said:
I just don’t get people who spend their retirement indoors watching network drivel. Holy hell, people, there’s a beautiful world out there!
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Me either. One set of grandparents are that way. Considering physical activity and a love for the outdoors being in my DNA, it blows my mind that’s all they do on a daily basis.
 
robin ardoin said:
We are all imperfect beings trying to live the best we can in an imperfect world. Live, and let live.
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But most people are imperfectly sitting in the vast middle ground keeping our opinions mostly to ourselves. We have our opinions but accept other's. We don't need to couch every conversational topic in terms of our politics or religion. We're biased but not overly racist. From the sounds of it the OP's parents don't accept differences and imperfections and are relentlessly judgemental. That would be exhausting and I wouldn't put up with it.

I have family and friends that I've either cut out of my life completely or limited contact. Not because I disagree with their politics/religion but because they didn't know when to shut up about it. I specifically cut out a racist family member because I didn't want him spouting his hate around my children.
 
I lost my parents in 2020 and 2021. They lived long lives My father was 93; my mother, 99. They both had dementia.

-You get only two chances at the parent/child relationship. First, as the child. Later, as the parent.

-Tell them that you want to have a better relationship with them. Tell them that you are grateful for all that they have done for you that has allowed you to become a healthy, happy, successful adult. Write this down and leave that with them after the discussion.

-You are all adults and are entitled to your own options. Ask them to avoid the contentious issues so as to cultivate a better overall relationship. When they don't, let them finish what they have to say then change the subject. You have to choose between having a better relationship with them and making sure they know that they are "wrong". They may have already lost the ability to make that choice.

-Respect them by avoiding the things that they don't like when you are with them. Don't drink, avoid swearing, keep the alcohol out of view, don't play music they wouldn't like, etc.

-See if you can get them to write down memories from their lives that you can pass on to their grandchildren.

-After a certain point, none of their issues will get better. They will continue to decline. All you can do is mitigate the consequences and keep them as safe and as healthy as possible.

-They will not recognize their own decline and will fight your efforts to limit the activities that they can no longer safely do. Keep a log of their problems so that you can go back and compare to sooner identify further decline. By the time you notice that they've lost abilities, it will have been going on for some time.

-Have an estate attorney look over their wills, POAs, and other documents. You need a separate POA for medical matters. Make sure all accounts have either designated beneficiaries or a pay-on-death specified. The SSA has their own POA process that must be gone through separately, they won't accept a general POA. Make sure that both of their names are listed on all real estate and other titled property so that the surviving spouse doesn't have to get it transferred. Do this while they are still competent to make changes so that the court doesn't have to do it later.

-Find out what they want to be done when they pass.

-If there are siblings, or other heirs, keep in touch and make sure that there is agreement on responsibilities and expectations.
 
I try real hard to stay out of someone else’s checkbook unless I have power of attorney or guardianship for them financially.

If either of my kids was asked how and where I spend my money, I will gladly tell them it’s none of their business. If my parents asked me for financial advice, I would give my opinion with no expectations. At no point would I become personally liable for their finances outside of a POA/guardianship relationship.
 
Why don’t you just do everything they ask you to do, stop drinking, takeout that nice girl they have been trying to set you up with, mow their grass, join the choir, attend some political events, go meet Tucker, study up on medicine so you can have meaningful conversations about their ailments, and life will be much easier for you. I swear you people always do things the hard way.




PS: tuck in your shirt!
 
Larry in TN said:
-Find out what they want to be done when they pass.
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And to avoid awkwardness, the conversation should definitely not be:

Dad: You are a terrible person, a sinner, a heathen and an alcoholic. You need to get your life together and get back to church!

Son, menacingly: What do you want me to do with your body when your dead?
 
texasclouds said:
Why don’t you just do everything they ask you to do, stop drinking, takeout that nice girl they have been trying to set you up with, mow their grass, join the choir, attend some political events, go meet Tucker, study up on medicine so you can have meaningful conversations about their ailments, and life will be much easier for you. I swear you people always do things the hard way.




PS: tuck in your shirt!
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Meanwhile the OP:
IMG_5368.jpeg
 
I consider myself lucky - I am certainly cut from the same cloth as my parents and we think alike in most every way and have great relationships. I tend to lean moderate with both religion and politics and feel that productive, civil conversations can be had about both topics if each party is willing. That said, I know folks who are in similar situations as yours, especially when politics and religious beliefs differ. It’s hard for parents to accept that their kid may not believe the same as them and therefore view them as deeply troubled. It’s a tough spot and I cannot personally relate to it, but I still wouldn’t outcast yourself from them. I would continue trying to have a good heart to heart discussion and reach some common ground of understanding.
 
172andyou said:
And to avoid awkwardness, the conversation should definitely n̵o̵t̵ be:

Dad: You are a terrible person, a sinner, a heathen and an alcoholic. You need to get your life together and get back to church!

Son, m̵e̵n̵a̵c̵i̵n̵g̵l̵y̵: Judge not, lest ye be judged. Now, what do you want me to do with your body when your dead?
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FIFY
 
This problem hits close to home! I think respectful honesty is the best policy. You want to respect your parents but you also don't want to see them go down the rabbit hole of craziness.

I've had to be upfront with my own parents about their ridiculous post-retirement obsessions. They fixate on stupid political, religious, whatever topics. Having known them since day 1, I know it's for no other reason than their world got a lot smaller the day they retired and the person to keep them company all the time is the 24/7 news cycle constantly barfing up bullshi* into their ear.

The only cure to that problem was me being upfront with my pops that he's too obsessed with certain things and it's made it hard for us to hang out. It genuinely hurt him to hear that b/c he thought nothing would kind of be a barrier there. I told him that I want to talk about *his* life and experiences and not about some weird YT video, BS documentary, or fringe scientist/attorney/politician/economist offering bat**** crazy predictions about <insert the current outrage item here>. Following that -- we haven't had that problem and he's been way more cognizant about it. I would hope someone close to me would do the same for me if they saw I was going off the rails.
 
falconkidding said:
If I had kids I'd want them to be themselves even if I disagreed with their choices. But then again if I believed those choices led to an eternity of hellfire that would cause a lot of distress.
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:yeahthat:

EXACTLY.

Try to keep in mind their perspective. If you haven't already, read through this thread:

pilotsofamerica.com

**** Cancer

I know nobody really knows me here. I'm an infrequent poster with normally not much to say. Maybe this post will be therapeutic. Maybe not. It's been a week since I lost my youngest son to cancer. His 26th birthday would have been next month. I still can't wrap my head around how quickly it...
pilotsofamerica.com pilotsofamerica.com

Try to imagine the crushing heartache of losing a child. Then consider that your parents are feeling this about you, probably even more so because they're losing you for all eternity.

Your life is yours. Make your own choices. You're an adult and you're not obligated to conform to your parents wishes. But some empathy and compassion might be in order, and you might consider thanking them for the love and concern that are behind their worries. Even if you don't believe in the God they're praying to, you can still be grateful for the love that's behind those prayers and tell them so. Rejecting their beliefs doesn't mean you have to be cruel about it. They're still your parents, so be kind.

And if you do feel obligated to be kind toward them, despite your frustrations, thank them for raising you to feel that way.
 
Wow. Well, I'm going to give the dissenting opinion on this one. Why would you spend a MINUTE of your life with someone you don't like, without it being part of your job? At this stage in your life, respect for parents should be natural, and earned over the years. If you don't have it, then that's not on you.

I don't see it as abusive, you're an adult, you choose where you go. I do see it as nonsense, and I think you should be able to explain that. Sit them down, perhaps, and say "Look, I know you used to listen to these voices on the radio, and they used to seem true, but now it's just nutty stuff, no matter which station you tune to. So put the radio down, put the silly books down, and listen to your son." And if they don't like that, just walk away.

You're never going to regret walking away from anyone in your personal life that you don't like or don't respect. So my advice would be to figure out where you stand there. Maybe you can go and nod and smile, as you would if they had dementia and who they are now isn't who they really are. From the sound of it, though, they really never great people to begin with, and you're looking for an OK to do what you need to do. From a complete stranger on the Internet, it's fine with me.
 
jsstevens said:
One concrete suggestion I can offer, see if you can get your parents to talk of either 1) memories (Hey, mom, where did we take that vacation with Uncle Fred? or How did you and dad meet? Dad, was it a near world record carp you caught? Tell me how you did that.) or 2) Areas of their (perhaps former) expertise (Hey mom how do you make strawberry preserves or how long didi you have to work at the uranium plant?, Dad, how did the canning machine keep the tin rolling?)

My dad had cognitive decline. I used to ask him about electrical stuff (he spent most of his career as an electrician). He couldn't actually perform a job because he couldn't keep track of what he was doing, but he knew all kinds of stuff and could talk about memories.

It may be repetitive for you but it beats the heck out of the other stuff.

My dad died in 2015 and my mom in 2021. This is a bit fresh...

John
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Good points. I've noticed that while short-term memory deteriorates, memories of events far in the past tend to remain.
 
bflynn said:
Add on - retirements homes are a no. I don't care what it takes, figure out how to do it without them. If you ever visit and it looks like a bunch of old people waiting to die, you're spot on. You can hire a home care service 4 hours a day to clean, provide company, and make food for far less. But probably your parent should live with one of you.
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After my mother fell and broke her femur, I suggested that she come live with my family. Her answer? "What would I want to do that for?" Hey, I love you too, Mom.

My inlaws and my mother lived in assisted living for the latest part of their lives, and I would say it was a good experience for my inlaws and sort of a meh experience for my mother. My mother in law particularly enjoyed being with others her own age. My father in law was in poor health and was not going to enjoy anything, but appreciated being able to live with his wife. My mother was basically a hermit and didn't like being around people all that much. Her health was failing so I don't think there was any situation she would have liked.
 
Now that I'm on the other side of this I see things are very different than I expected. I think most people on here have some financial where with all. And most people think about the financial side of retirement. Lots of help there and advice both good and bad. But its something we think about and try to deal with. That said, there is almost no planning for the emotional and life changing world you are about to enter. And for most its a very drastic change in your life, and probably not anything you have planned for. There is very little support or help to transition to a very different new life. So many people end up alone sitting in front of the boob tube. If you didn't grow up with social media how do you deal with all crap that bombards you? Most of the people you regularly deal with are no longer relevant to you and even more importantly, you are no longer relevant to anyone. You probably won't retire with the same people you are used to dealing with. They will retire at some other time. So you need to start a new life, new friends, new acquaintances, new adventures etc. That is very hard to do when you get old. Changes in life are just harder to deal with as you get older. I think the later in life you retire, the harder the transition will be. I will be retired going on 4 yrs now. It is totally different than I planned. Amazingly different! Emotionally very different, and that sucks and is something i wasn't even vaguely planning for. If i would have been told of this, i would never have believed it. but now I'm living it. Good thing I'm too busy to enjoy retirement.
I hope that might lend some insight into where your parents are in life. I saw my parents and in-laws go through this and I didn't understand it. I'm now getting a taste of it.
 
Oldmanb777 said:
Now that I'm on the other side of this I see things are very different than I expected. I think most people on here have some financial where with all. And most people think about the financial side of retirement. Lots of help there and advice both good and bad. But its something we think about and try to deal with. That said, there is almost no planning for the emotional and life changing world you are about to enter. And for most its a very drastic change in your life, and probably not anything you have planned for. There is very little support or help to transition to a very different new life. So many people end up alone sitting in front of the boob tube. If you didn't grow up with social media how do you deal with all crap that bombards you? Most of the people you regularly deal with are no longer relevant to you and even more importantly, you are no longer relevant to anyone. You probably won't retire with the same people you are used to dealing with. They will retire at some other time. So you need to start a new life, new friends, new acquaintances, new adventures etc. That is very hard to do when you get old. Changes in life are just harder to deal with as you get older. I think the later in life you retire, the harder the transition will be. I will be retired going on 4 yrs now. It is totally different than I planned. Amazingly different! Emotionally very different, and that sucks and is something i wasn't even vaguely planning for. If i would have been told of this, i would never have believed it. but now I'm living it. Good thing I'm too busy to enjoy retirement.
I hope that might lend some insight into where your parents are in life. I saw my parents and in-laws go through this and I didn't understand it. I'm now getting a taste of it.
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All true. And I did seek out some advice in the years prior to retiring. Things I wanted to do when I retired (volunteer work, hobbies, flying,...), I made a start on and did at a lower level of commitment while I was still working. That eased the transition quite a bit. When I decided to leave the job, I was too busy to go to work anymore anyway.

If you stop working cold turkey, without other activites already begun or waiting for you, the transition will be challenging.
 
Zeldman said:
Agree.

My dad was busier in retirement than he was when working.
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Same here. But it's stuff I want to be busy with, it's on my own schedule, I can say "No" without risking a paycheck, and I can take as much time off as I want whenever I like.
 
Half Fast said:
All true. And I did seek out some advice in the years prior to retiring. Things I wanted to do when I retired (volunteer work, hobbies, flying,...), I made a start on and did at a lower level of commitment while I was still working. That eased the transition quite a bit. When I decided to leave the job, I was too busy to go to work anymore anyway.

If you stop working cold turkey, without other activites already begun or waiting for you, the transition will be challenging.
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When I was at my last job my cube neighbor was working on "planning his retirement." When he first told me that I thought it sounded ridiculous, but the older I get and the more people I see retire without a plan or things to do, the more I realize how smart he was for doing it.

I've been thinking about how to respond to the OP, both being in a similar situation with my mom's aging and also knowing I don't understand what the relationship there is. But my general advice would be to try to be kind about how life is from their side, and understand that you're probably their primary social interaction outside of eachother. Hopefully they can change that, and also understand that relationships evolve so there will likely be changes over time.

A few years ago I had to start making regular trips to visit my mom to help out with things and check up on her (she lives over 1,000 miles from me, so not convenient - especially with 3 small kids). At first it was a real burden and I probably felt similar to how you felt now. Over time it's improved, and hopefully it does with you. Remember they're finding their place in the world as part of retirement, and you've got a new dynamic that comes with churn.

But, do what you can as far as visiting with them goes. Make sure you still have time to do the things you need to, and from there figure out what the cadence is that you can support and try to stick to it. At least that's worked well for me.
 
Morgan3820 said:
I think it’s interesting that you all assume that it’s the parents problem. I know if I had a grown adult child stray from the Path that I put them on, I would view myself as a failure as a parent and visits from that child would be a reminder of that failure. maybe they don’t care about you as much as you think they do. Maybe they have things figured out that you are completely missing because you think you’re oh so much smarter and sophisticated. Both of my parents, veterans of the depression, and World War II, successfully navigated life through history and perils and hardship that we do not understand today. For me, The older I got the smarter my parents became. They are both passed now, but I appreciate them more every day.
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What is your definition of success for your grown adult child?
 
Lots of posts and I had to pull out the dictionary a couple times.

Seeing your parents every 2 weeks is a lot, and great to those who have good relationships with their families, but if they are screaming about politics and religion that can be difficult. Respect goes both ways, they need to respect you for who you are as well.

Politics and religion is tricky, I mean if I’m talking about it, I just keep on with really no end goal and I earn nothing from that in the end except ****ing someone off. I don’t know what gets me going but really in the end I know nothing was gained from it.

First, you need to set the ground rules, hey when we talk about politics and religion, it makes me feel sad, can we just skip that and focus on happy topics?

Then, give them some time to adjust but you need to keep reminding them. It’s hard to change, requires time and effort and doesn’t occur overnight. If it isn’t working out well, you can adjust the frequency of your involvement.

I’ve personally worked hard at keeping news out of my phone as much as possible, so that I only see it if I actively searched it, instead of advertisements / emails / etc.

Everyone has a different relationship with their families, and I would say there is no right or wrong answer. Primary focus is that you are doing what feels right to you.
 
Just trying to lend some insight into what you will be going through as you transition into retirement and old age. I wish i would have paid more attention to my parents an in-laws when they were going through it. Maybe i would have prepared better. I wasn't ready for the total change in relationships. That one really bothers me, but it is what it is. I always discounted the idea of "The price goes up when somebody comes in with grey hair". It' actually happens all the time. Must be their duty to take advantage of older people. One of my pet peeve's. Speaking of that, they become so much more irritating as you age. So maybe cut them some slack. Maybe offer some fun, interesting alternatives to what they do.
 
mandm said:
What is your definition of success for your grown adult child?
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A contributing member of society. Shared values, shared outlook on life, shared spiritual relationship. At 23 yrs old, my child is not there yet but neither was I at that age. I am optimistic and have worked to be less confrontational.
My point was, just as parents need to be patient, loving and understanding when we are in our youth. We owe them reciprocity when they become elderly and their capacity diminishes. Somebody needs to be the adult
 
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I started to say "Both my sons" and realized they are not all mine.

So, both our sons have been a little of a problem as they passed through the stage where they knew more than we did. That lasted for 5 years or so. During that time, Dad was the dummy, but Mom stayed in good graces, as he did not tell them what to do as much as I did.

To get to the heart of my advice, skip down to the last 6 or 8 lines.

I am a serious do it yourself type, and my 1971 Ford sedan went 138,000 miles before trading it in, and visited a dealer or any other repair facility 2 times. About a year after the first son moved out, I got my first call, "Dad, how can I fix this problem"'. I puzzled it out, he did the repair, and has been calling me occasionally since. Same for his brother.

Financial decisions are round tables for all three of us, and the correct answer is selected by the one with the issue, the other two are just opinions.

At 89, my wife and I have decided to move to a retirement home, and both sons are completely on board. We took tours of a number of units, and had found which criteria were important. Son 2 visited, toured with us, adding some more units, and came to a decision on one unit. He then negotiated with the renovation manager for additions to the standard plan. Today, son #1 went with us to sign the preliminary contract.

I was born early in the depression, Mom and Dad lost their jobs in the 2 months before and after they married, so my early life was tough, but we enjoyed it anyway. Mom became a widow 15 years after her wedding, but we all worked, and survived.

Mom became a little unbalanced 15 years before she died, and our sons view of her is warped by that time, and they worried that my wife and I would have similar problems, but we have done fine so far.

We realize that our sons do not want to have us go through old age in their homes, and we agree. How will we adjust to the new reality when we move out of a house we have lived in for 59 years? Time will tell, but we have friends in the same home, so expect to do fine.

Do we have differences that get to shouting matches? Yes, but rarely, as we avoid those topics, and find other areas where we do mostly agree.

If you have read this far, the bottom line is that we have found the safe topics, and bring them up at the beginning of the visit, and do not bother to address the other topics.

If your parents are addicted to political or religious shows, that can be hard, but arrive with a set of questions about when you were school age, and where you went on vocation. What relatives did you visit, and where are they now. Your generation especially. What were their favorite vacations as they grew up? How did they meet, and where did they honey moo?

Many fascinating topics, and once started, seem to grow a life of their own. I did that many times with my Mom, and learned many fascinating things about her sister and two brothers. And her Uncle, the Federal Revenue Agent in Richmond Kentucky!

Good luck on working out the secret of having a productive conversation with your parents. It is well worth it. Leave, if the subjects go off track, politely.
 
I know some people who have gone into some sort of assisted living arrangements well before they needed to . All have said it was a good move. It got them well involved into the new life well ahead of time and made the adjustment easier. Most said it was a new lease on life, or gave them a new sense of freedom and independence they didn't have when they had a house to take care of. I know from the experience with my Mother and Mother in law that some are absolutely pathetic pits. But there are some that are very nice.
New people to meet going through similar stages in life, and have similar history. New activities to indulge in. So it can be good. Finding the right place is the hard part. Maybe the OPs parents need a new venue to renew their life. Hard to make that decision. That decision is best made before it's required to be made by somebody else.
 
Oldmanb777 said:
Now that I'm on the other side of this I see things are very different than I expected. I think most people on here have some financial where with all. And most people think about the financial side of retirement. Lots of help there and advice both good and bad. But its something we think about and try to deal with. That said, there is almost no planning for the emotional and life changing world you are about to enter. And for most its a very drastic change in your life, and probably not anything you have planned for. There is very little support or help to transition to a very different new life. So many people end up alone sitting in front of the boob tube. If you didn't grow up with social media how do you deal with all crap that bombards you? Most of the people you regularly deal with are no longer relevant to you and even more importantly, you are no longer relevant to anyone. You probably won't retire with the same people you are used to dealing with. They will retire at some other time. So you need to start a new life, new friends, new acquaintances, new adventures etc. That is very hard to do when you get old. Changes in life are just harder to deal with as you get older. I think the later in life you retire, the harder the transition will be. I will be retired going on 4 yrs now. It is totally different than I planned. Amazingly different! Emotionally very different, and that sucks and is something i wasn't even vaguely planning for. If i would have been told of this, i would never have believed it. but now I'm living it. Good thing I'm too busy to enjoy retirement.
I hope that might lend some insight into where your parents are in life. I saw my parents and in-laws go through this and I didn't understand it. I'm now getting a taste of it.
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You are relevant to us. This is another great post in a whole thread of wise advice.
 
Can we spin this around where the parent doesn't get along with his son? Mine is 18, zero ambition, no job, barely passing high school, but is capable, just lazy, go to eat with him and I get barely a reply on open ended questions. I offered to pay him to work on my house, sanding trim, grunt stuff...he told his mom he wasn't going to do it....he had a car which I took away for a multitude of reasons, gave it back because his mom was complaining, had an accident not his fault and he thinks the insurance money is his? He is frustrating the eff out of me.
 
Getonit said:
Can we spin this around where the parent doesn't get along with his son? Mine is 18, zero ambition, no job, barely passing high school, but is capable, just lazy, go to eat with him and I get barely a reply on open ended questions. I offered to pay him to work on my house, sanding trim, grunt stuff...he told his mom he wasn't going to do it....he had a car which I took away for a multitude of reasons, gave it back because his mom was complaining, had an accident not his fault and he thinks the insurance money is his? He is frustrating the eff out of me.
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Throw him out to fend for himself. It makes the wife real mad but it does work ... ;)
 
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