[NA]Apologizing for past behaviors

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Let'sgoflying!

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Dave Taylor
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What do you think of the act of hunting down people from your past and apologizing for misdeeds from years ago?
I used to think, ya that's cool and sounds like a good thing.

Not so sure now.
It happened to close one a while back; a person who lied, held back this good person (the C.O. above) careerwise 20+ years ago came out of the blue and fessed up, indicated how poorly they'd behaved. CO was appropriately forgiving (well forgiveness had happened a long time ago), heard out this person & said what they wanted to hear.

The instinctual feeling from such an encounter was not what I expected of myself; C.O. agrees: it felt like helping someone through their problem, after they did you bad, now they are asking you of the gift of forgiveness although it drags up bad memories for you. And then you dislike yourself for having these instinctual bad feelings!

I say instead, keep it to yourself. Get counseling, talk to your preacher, pray about it, tell yourself you know you did wrong and are a better person now, go help someone in need as penance.

Looking for opinions or experiences.
 
I think it can go either way depending on the situation. It can also answer long standing questions and self doubts with the one who was wronged. Few things in life are cut and dried simple.
 
I don't have an opinion about whether it's a good idea or not, but one opinion I do have is that the person who benefits most from forgiveness is the forgiver.
 
Well, making amends is a part of most 12-step programs, except when to do so would harm them or others.

That seems to be a good standard. But it calls for a little judgement.
 
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Asking for forgiveness can give the wronged party an opportunity to unburden their own resentment.
 
Bob Noel said:
Asking for forgiveness can give the wronged party an opportunity to unburden their own resentment.
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yup....on the surface I'd say it's good to clear the air....if the wrong doer approaches this with humility and the expectation that this person may still not like them afterwards.

But, it depends. IF that person is so bitter from being wronged....I'm not sure it's going to have the impact the wrong doer expects.:no:

On the other hand....if the wrong doer is ready for his medicine....it could be a good thing.:yes:

I'd probably try and get at this with the help of a third person....who could do some "investigating"....then proceed from there.
 
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The thing with asking for forgiveness from someone is that you have to be willing to not RECEIVE the forgiveness you're looking for. Also, you have to be asking for forgiveness for the right reasons. You shouldn't be asking for forgiveness just for the sake of 'getting it off your chest' - that only goes to serve your own needs. You should go into it with humbleness and true humility for your wrongs if you expect the situation to play out well for both parties involved - in fact, the true purpose of asking for forgiveness should have nothing to do with your own needs, but solely focused on helping the other person through the 'wrong' that you did to them.

Just my .02...
 
CJones said:
The thing with asking for forgiveness from someone is that you have to be willing to not RECEIVE the forgiveness you're looking for. Also, you have to be asking for forgiveness for the right reasons. You shouldn't be asking for forgiveness just for the sake of 'getting it off your chest' - that only goes to serve your own needs. You should go into it with humbleness and true humility for your wrongs if you expect the situation to play out well for both parties involved - in fact, the true purpose of asking for forgiveness should have nothing to do with your own needs, but solely focused on helping the other person through the 'wrong' that you did to them.

Just my .02...
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I don't think you should be asking for forgiveness at all, and it's not really the point of the exercise. The point is to own up and humble yourself with the apology. Forgiveness or punishment is a secondary factor.
 
If you wronged someone and they know it, I think it's good to clear the air. If you wronged someone but they don't know it, it's your guilt, don't transfer it to them.
 
Having known a bunch of alcoholics who screwed up their families, their jobs, and their homes over many decades, I suspect that the discipline of having to admit the ugly details of your addiction, behavior, and moral, ethical, and physical failures, is humbling enough to do a lot of good.

As for the forgive -ee it either helps, or doesn't. That;'s about them, not the apologizer.
 
Mason said:
Well, making amends is a part of most 12-step programs, except when to do so would harm yourself or others.

That seems to be a good standard. But it calls for a little judgement.
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Good judgment seems like an unreasonable expectation from most people in 12-step programs.
 
besides the serious nature of this thread, I would like to formally apologize for any jokes and references I made towards the 'metal landing calculator'. the only problem is, I can't guarantee I won't continue to practice this behavior. like, probably later today. so, sorry for that in advance.
 
I struggled on how to form my response to this thread. I disown it but understand it at the same time.

My personal demon is the high schools girl I wanted to marry very much but a) I was a goober with no self confidence and b) she had a boyfriend and c) go back to a). My high school life was a **** up but on the other hand I grew up in a military family so it was never a big deal becsuse in a couple years it was a new venue anyway.

But she haunted me for years, since early male adolescence. But now, she has some kind of husband and family and **** like that and I'm okay with it, there is a part of me that wishes I could tell her that I'm sorry for being the ******* I was in high school.

And we're kind of halfway there. She "friended" me on Fagbook (my request) but will still not give me a personal interaction, like what time of the day is it or whatever but then again I haven't pushed it. There is a part of me that wants to apologize for carving voodoo dolls at **** like that of her ex boyfriend and sticking Kabar knives in them but I really don't know where to go.
 
I guess it just depends on the situation.

I stole something from a neighbor kid when I was about 8 years old.

The first time I saw him as an adult was at a bar in my hometown when we were in our thirties. I took cash out of my billfold...about 20 times what I estimated to be the value of what I stole from him...and tossed it on the bar in front of him.

"What's this?"

"That's for the innertube I stole from you in 1968."

"Oh, BS"

"Take it!"

"I had no idea it was you."

"It was...take it."

Then I bought him a beer and we talked for about 30 minutes getting caught up.

I honestly don't remember if he kept the money or not, it's been 20 years ago.
 
I rarely think about anything which happened 20+ years ago unless I'm reminded of it. Even then, whatever it would be doesn't matter any more. So I would consider it a little odd to get an apology from the past.
 
One thing I'm sure of is that any apologies offered need to be done with no expectations.
 
SacArrow's story of high school reminds me of a new facebook page I am part of. It is a gathering of everyone from when I was ages 5-18.
It is somewhat mind blowing. A million things from our past is discussed, most of it fun and great reminders, however....

It amazes me how grudges and anxieties about things >40 years ago can remain perfectly fresh as if they happened yesterday!
Two of our teachers are on there. Several students are still angry and talking about harsh treatment received, behind the scenes.
Others had seriously upsetting interactions with classmates and have not been able to go past that memory. One guy there was an absolute d1k to other kids, beating them up at any opportunity (we'd scan the yard/road/arena before entry in order to skulk past this bully) - now he is a respected elder in his church.
I feel completely awful about how, at age 9, we treated an entire family of kids. The big kids called them "the bunnies" because there were 15 kids and they lived in a ramshackle cabin and probably ate poorly if at all some days. Kids can be awful, once one kid started some verbal taunting, the rest had to join in. Another kid was from a family that did not bathe every day and he had a peculiar odor; his unfortunate moniker for years was "Skunk", it took me a while to even remember his real name.
Other places where apologies seem needed but might be too late.
 
A Facebook page was started up for the old neighborhoods where I grew up; shortly after joining, I got a private message from someone whose name I did not recall, telling me he was terribly sorry that he had treated me I'll when we were kids.

I had no recollection of any of it, but I guess it made him feel better in some way.

What other demons occupy his soul?
 
Sac Arrow said:
I struggled on how to form my response to this thread. I disown it but understand it at the same time.

My personal demon is the high schools girl I wanted to marry very much but a) I was a goober with no self confidence and b) she had a boyfriend and c) go back to a). My high school life was a **** up but on the other hand I grew up in a military family so it was never a big deal becsuse in a couple years it was a new venue anyway.

But she haunted me for years, since early male adolescence. But now, she has some kind of husband and family and **** like that and I'm okay with it, there is a part of me that wishes I could tell her that I'm sorry for being the ******* I was in high school.

And we're kind of halfway there. She "friended" me on Fagbook (my request) but will still not give me a personal interaction, like what time of the day is it or whatever but then again I haven't pushed it. There is a part of me that wants to apologize for carving voodoo dolls at **** like that of her ex boyfriend and sticking Kabar knives in them but I really don't know where to go.
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Well, considering the odds, she may be back on the market in a few years, albeit with a family, and likely a bunch of divorce baggage. Would you still want that package? Only you can answer that.
 
Rafiki would say, "Forget about it. It's in the past. The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.”
 
One of my wife's friends is 50 years old and refuses to look at people she went to high school with because of the way she was treated 35 years ago. Some scars last a lifetime. If some of them apologized to her I think it would mean a lot to her. But it can't undo all those years of pain.

Maybe on our 15 year HS reunion I was on the committee. One of my friends from high school didn't make it to to the 5 and 10 year so I called him. He recounted all the times he was harrassed and beat up (and he was) and wasn't interested in seeing anyone from school again. I don't think an apology would help.

After the reunion I was giving Susan a ride back to her hotel. She was the cutest and one of the most popular girls in school. As far as I knew, everyone loved her, including the other girls. We were talking and I asked "if you could go back and do it all again, would you?" She got a serious look on her face and said absolutely not. That girls are vicious at that age. I couldn't have been more surprised.
 
I'm pretty sure I've been put on the "do not contact" list after the RSVP I sent back for the 10th looked like something Samuel L Jackson would have said. I didn't get an invite to my 20th (if there was one) and don't expect one next year for the 25th.
 
Man, this is fun to read! All these folks on about some slight, or perceived slight, or some kid pushed me, or I pushed him. Apologize? C'mon - get real, it's not that anyone wants to make it right with the other guy(except for the inner tube story, that was real), all anyone wants is to get the feeling of guilt off their OWN chest.

I'm no different! Would I like to go back down memory lane and see if anyone had some sympathy for all the shyte I took? Oh hell no. And not surprising, a woman did reach out to me once about a situation when I was 15 or so. She felt sooooooooooooo bad about it, and wanted some kind of self-exculpation. Well, find your own demons to wrestle with. I moved on. Don't need to have you come and emote all over me about it, just work on the next gen, maybe you'll have something better for them to remember.

I've been asked a dozen or more times if/why I'm not on FB. This. I have no interest in hearing from anyone from my HS or prev years. I lived through it, it's over, move on, get a life for cripe sakes.
 
Sounds like some AA thing or something.

Personally I wouldn't do it.
 
I received a letter about 10 years ago from a woman that had previously worked for my dad, probably in the mid-70's. She enclosed a check for I think around $100.00, with a note that she had stolen this money from the dealership when she worked here. :dunno: Obviously she could have never said a word, and it certainly wasn't something that we knew about. I am sure it made her feel better and the check cleared! ;)
 
I remember hearing my mother comment, when I was growing up, about someone who was "living in the past." It's a temptation, for sure.
 
Gerhardt said:
One of my wife's friends is 50 years old and refuses to look at people she went to high school with because of the way she was treated 35 years ago. Some scars last a lifetime. If some of them apologized to her I think it would mean a lot to her. But it can't undo all those years of pain.

Maybe on our 15 year HS reunion I was on the committee. One of my friends from high school didn't make it to to the 5 and 10 year so I called him. He recounted all the times he was harrassed and beat up (and he was) and wasn't interested in seeing anyone from school again. I don't think an apology would help.

After the reunion I was giving Susan a ride back to her hotel. She was the cutest and one of the most popular girls in school. As far as I knew, everyone loved her, including the other girls. We were talking and I asked "if you could go back and do it all again, would you?" She got a serious look on her face and said absolutely not. That girls are vicious at that age. I couldn't have been more surprised.
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I was pretty antisocial in high school and I don't have many specific memories either good or bad. But I was curious and went to my 35th reunion. That was an eye-opener. People remembered me in a completely different way than I remembered myself. But I had a good time and will go to my 40th next month.
 
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