Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

That is a picture of you dude...

Yeah, I get no respect.

Last year on Valentines I gave her a card that said, “Gift certificate - good for one hour of fantastic love making.” Her face beamed, she said “Thank you!” and gave me a big kiss, grabbed her coat, and said “Back in an hour,” as she went out the door.
 
Yeah, I get no respect.

Last year on Valentines I gave her a card that said, “Gift certificate - good for one hour of fantastic love making.” Her face beamed, she said “Thank you!” and gave me a big kiss, grabbed her coat, and said “Back in an hour,” as she went out the door.
Did you expect anything else?
 
Ummm, maybe that's because of other reasons...when the wife demands reservations it's time to check out...

She keeps watching true crime tv shows about wives killing husbands. That’s bothersome enough, but last week I caught her taking notes...
 
She keeps watching true crime tv shows about wives killing husbands. That’s bothersome enough, but last week I caught her taking notes...
You'll prolly want her to get it right to minimize the suffering...perhaps give her pointers on how to accomplish the task...
 
You'll prolly want her to get it right to minimize the suffering...perhaps give her pointers on how to accomplish the task...

I keep hoping she’ll run across an episode where the husband dies of exhaustion in bed with 3 nymphomaniacs. So far no luck.
 
Oh, someone HAS to go do some sky art around this...
 
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:eek: Nate! You didn't....:rofl::rofl::rofl:

LOL. I literally was thinking “This is something Mark will laugh at...” when I stumbled on that on online the other night.

I love those “mixed up identity” memes. They’re all hilarious. Especially with as identity based as most narcissistic TV personalities are. ;)
 
A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.


The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its ass, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?” The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.


The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its ass, and said, “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?” The Newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.


The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its ass, and said,

“This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?” Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.


The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie,

“Just where the hell are you from?”


The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,

“You tell me, you’re the expert.”
 
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. After choosing one student in particular, she recited the following story:

"Mark, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire. A man with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"

The boy pauses.

"None" he replied thoughtfully.


"No, no, no. Lets try again, maybe you didn't hear me correctly" the teacher says patiently.

She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A man with a gun shoots one" She puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"


"None" Mark says with authority.

The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple" says Mark, "After the man shot one bird, the noise from the gun scared the other two away."


"Well" she says, "that's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."

"Thanks" chimes Mark, "now let me ask you a question."

"Okay" she says guardedly.


"There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" Mark asks innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.


"C'mon" Mark said impatiently, "which one is it, the one licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it? Which one is married?"

"Well, uh" she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"



"Naw" Mark says with surprise, "Its the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think
 
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'
 
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks...

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting and handloading, Maybe you should sell your guns."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replies, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't..."
 
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