Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'
 
The vertical stab is fodder for a 50 caliber machine gun. OTOH, I salute the RAF pilots and would willingly buy them all the beer they want.
 
gkainz said:
appropriate passive aggressive response to a local ordinance stating "All loads MUST BE STRAPPED" ... ???
Click to expand...

I've seen some rather interesting "covers" out near the dump where "all loads must be covered" ...
 
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please"
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right…whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say…"
 
e1d06c28d725aa044ded5000c792d09c.jpg
 
Deer Hunting Question

Looking forward to hunting season but I do have a question. If I shoot a buck, but I only have a doe tag, can I claim that the buck wasn't really a buck? I mean … maybe he'd always wanted to be a doe, but with no choice of his own he was born with the physical attributes of a male. And yet … on the inside he'd always known he was truly a female. I'm just wondering if I can get the game warden to buy that ********, because society and the Supreme Court does.
 
mscard88 said:
Deer Hunting Question

Looking forward to hunting season but I do have a question. If I shoot a buck, but I only have a doe tag, can I claim that the buck wasn't really a buck? I mean … maybe he'd always wanted to be a doe, but with no choice of his own he was born with the physical attributes of a male. And yet … on the inside he'd always known he was truly a female. I'm just wondering if I can get the game warden to buy that ********, because society and the Supreme Court does.
Click to expand...
It's to close to our reality today to be a funny joke.
 
that's awesome. As we all know, there are no differences between the sexes. In fact "sex" is just a social construct and a tool of patriarchal oppression.

However, you need to ask the xuck before you shoot xit how it identifies, because assuming after death is also problematic.
 
A guy shoots a deer without a permit (doe or buck, doesn't matter), and hauls it out slung over his shoulder. Game warden asks, "You got a permit for that thing?" Guy says, "What thing?"

"That thing right there."
"Where?"
"Right there, on your shoulder."

Guy looks, then says, "Gah!!! Get it off!! Get it off!!!"
 
A couple took a trip to the Holy Land and the husband decided to invite his mother-in-law. Before they even got there she was already complaining about the long flight and he knew he was in for a long trip. For two weeks they visited every major site from the bible. They walked the path that Jesus walked from where he was born in the manger to the tomb where the stone was rolled away. On one of the last days there the couple received some bad news from the hotel manager. A housekeeper had found the mother-in-law in her room dead of a heart attack. The manager informed them that they could take care of the arrangements and bury her in the holy land for only $200.00. If they decided to take her back to the U.S. the expense of preparing the body for the trip and the flight would run about $5,000.00. The husband said he would think about it and let him know the next day. The next day the hotel manager saw the husband in the lobby and asked him if he had made a decision. "I decided to take her back home for the $5,000.00" He told the manager. "That's fine" said the manager "But do you mind me asking why since we can do it here for just $200.00". "Well I've been thinking about it", said the husband, "And in the two weeks that we've been here all I've heard about was this man that they crucified and buried and then three days later he arose from the grave. For $4800.00 I'm not willing to take that chance!"
 
(Apologies if this was already posted)


Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
Have a good weekend
 
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