Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.


"Mom " said the boy, "what are all these women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replies.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers." she said.
 
Because it's Friday...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
 
Wally Glass decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, He was doing some pre-flight planning for a trip in his Citabria the next day. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit flying. Maybe you should sell your airplane."*

Wally gets this horrified look on his face.*

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"*

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"*

”I wasn't!“ :nono:
 
So Little Johnnie Nasty is viewing a porn and his mom walks in on him. She snatches it away from him and says "What is this you're looking at?? You are going to have to talk to your father about this when he gets home!!"

Later on that evening Little Johnnie's dad comes home and mom hand him the porn. "Little Johnnie has been looking at this! What do you think I should do about it?"

Dad studies the pictures for a few moments. "I'm not exactly sure, but whatever you do, you probably better not spank him."
 
A cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"

The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"

The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
 
meanwhile copy.jpg

I don't know how to make it bigger, so double click on the picture.
 
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My buddy's girlfriend keeps calling him a pedophile.

So he finally said to her..."A pedophile? that's an awful big word for a ten year-old."
 
So a 911 operator gets a frantic call. "Help! My buddy and I are out in the middle of the woods hunting, and I found him lying on the ground. He's not moving or breathing. I think he's dead! What do I do?"

"Calm down, I can help you. First, let's confirm he's actually dead."

Guy walks off. In the background, the 911 operator hears a gunshot. Guy comes back and replies. "Okay now what?"
 
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building...

EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED - POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired old Navy Flyer named "Snake", drunk and with a ragged dirty flight jacket and smelling of last night's rounds,strolled by the building and saw the sign. He went into the building to apply for the position.
Aghast at his appearance, the director wondered how to send him away but, to be fair, he gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old flyer held the glass up to his left eye, tilted his head toward incoming sunlight and studied the contents looking through the glass. He then took a sip and said, "It's a Southern California Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Somewhat low-grade but acceptable."
"That's correct," said the boss. Glancing at his assistant he said..."Another one, please."
The old flyer took the goblet, full of a deep red liquid, stuck his nose into the glass, sniffed deeply and took a long slow sip....rolling his eyeballs in a circle, he then looked at the director and said..."It's a Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass." said the director.
Receiving another glass, again, the derelict flyer eyed the crystal, took in a little bit of the aroma and sipped very softly....''It's a pinot blanc champagne, very high grade and exclusive,'' said the drunk calmly.
The director was astonished and winked at his assistant to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a wine glass half-full of urine.
The old and bold flyer eyed it suspiciously...a color he could not quite recall. He took a sip, swishing it over his tongue and across his teeth, spit it out, and musing upward all the while ...
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."


NEVER EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE TALENTS OF AN OLD NAVY FLYER !
 
One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
As he passes by the first woman, she looks down indignantly and says, "Well, he’s certainly not my husband."
As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and scornfully says, "He’s not my husband either."
He then passes by the third woman, Audrey, tilts her head a bit, squints, and says,
"Wait a minute. He’s not even a member of this golf club".
 
Happy St. pattys day

Talk like an Irishman : Say Whale oil beef hooked Really fast.
 
This actually happened.


General Cosgrove was interviewed on TV recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

This is a portion of an ABC interview between a female journalist Leigh Sales and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

LEIGH SALES:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

LEIGH SALES:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

LEIGH SALES:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

LEIGH SALES:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
 
If political incorrectness offends you, skip this one.


A Muslim immigrant goes to a Doctor in Dearborn Michigan and says "I feel terrible".

The Doctor examines him and then says

"You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week, Throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head hold your face over the bucket and inhale the vapors for 3 days".

The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"

"You were homesick".





.
 
......
 

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John Baker said:
If political incorrectness offends you, skip this one.





A Muslim immigrant goes to a Doctor in Dearborn Michigan and says "I feel terrible".



The Doctor examines him and then says



"You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week, Throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head hold your face over the bucket and inhale the vapors for 3 days".



The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"



"You were homesick".











.
Click to expand...


Like that one.
 
Morris Schwartz, on his deathbed, knowing the end is near, is with his
nurse, his wife, his daughter and his 2 sons.

So, he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dearest wife, please take all of the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is completely blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says,

"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been a very hardworking man to
have accumulated all of this property".

Sarah replies, "What property? The ******* has a paper route!"
 
[FONT=&quot] Typical Naval Aviator -

The Navy fighter pilot woke up - stiff as a plank in a hospital's ICU with
tubes up his nose and down his throat; wires monitoring every function and all
around his head, hell of a pain over his left ear. A drop Dead Gorgeous
Nurse was hovering over him and he realized he'd been in a serious aircraft
accident.

She looked deep and steady into his eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You
may not feel anything from the waist down . . . "

He managed to mumble in reply, "Does that mean I can feel your tits?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
It's a laugh with any title/
 

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Man, that's just wrong.

Got one of Palin?
 
That was thumbnail that I wasn't going to click on.

But think of the marketing opportunities if you had an image scrubber for sale.
 
She's very confident to have her official Presidential photo taken this early. A sign of leadership potential.
 
Caption this:
5abe3a2u.jpg
 
GUN COLLECTING

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable.

Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Michigan, he’d be called “The last white guy still living in Detroit.”

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.”

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy.”

In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas he's just "Bubba”, who's a little short on ammo.
 
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL .. . .

MY NAME IS MARY, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH
THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY-LINED FACE WAS WAY
TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN
PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD, BALDING, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, MISERABLE,

SON-OF-A-BICTH PRICK LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN HE ASKED ME:



"WHAT CLASSES DID YOU TEACH"
 
In a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."
 
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