Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!
- Thread starter Let'sgoflying!
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Tom-D
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Tom-D
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
Tom-D
Taxi to Parking
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Tom-D
That was funny... and she's special!
I was worried that some one here would be offended that she was praying.
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on the breed ...
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Translated: 'We don't need no stinking taco bulb.'
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
It depends on the breed ...
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Translated: 'We don't need no stinking taco bulb.'
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
OtisAir
Line Up and Wait
Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville,
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville Tx.
Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment. The reply came back in true USMC style:
'Thank you for your letter....
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77 So. of Kingsville...
The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose.. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'
Semper Fi
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville Tx.
Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment. The reply came back in true USMC style:
'Thank you for your letter....
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77 So. of Kingsville...
The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose.. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'
Semper Fi
steingar
Taxi to Parking
Halloween Jokes
Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell.
How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.
How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.
How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W".
How does a monster count to 21?
On his fingers.
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.
Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.
What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and
divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.
What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.
What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"
What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."
What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."
What do baseball players do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.
What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Handburgers.
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.
What do you get when you bite a ghost
A mouth full of sheet.
What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.
What do you get if you cross a vampire bat and a mummy?
A flying band-aid, or a gift-wrapped bat.
What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern?
A pumpkin patch.
What do you say to a 2-headed monster?
Hello, hello.
What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.
What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.
What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.
What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out.
What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.
What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.
What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.
What is a zombie's favorite dessert?
Ladyfingers.
What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!
What is a ghost's favorite food?
Boo-loney sandwich.
What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!
What kind of math did the monster student do best?
Scare root.
What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"
What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.
What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.
What would you get if you crossed a wolf with a polyester jacket?
A wash-and-wearwolf.
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.
What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.
What's a mummy's favorite music?
Ragtime.
What's a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!
What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries.
What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.
When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.
When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.
Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!
Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
At the blood bank.
Where do monsters go for sunset sails?
Lake Eee-rie
Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.
Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower?
To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits.
Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."
Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor.
Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It's hard to pin anything on them.
Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.
Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.
Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!
Why did the monster eat the caboose?
The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."
Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul!
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.
Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.
Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend.
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.
Why do demons and ghouls always hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.
Why don't skeletons ski?
They don't have the guts.
Why don't witches ever have babies?
Warlocks have hollow weenies.
Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell.
How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.
How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.
How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W".
How does a monster count to 21?
On his fingers.
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.
Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.
What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and
divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.
What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.
What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"
What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."
What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."
What do baseball players do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.
What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Handburgers.
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.
What do you get when you bite a ghost
A mouth full of sheet.
What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.
What do you get if you cross a vampire bat and a mummy?
A flying band-aid, or a gift-wrapped bat.
What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern?
A pumpkin patch.
What do you say to a 2-headed monster?
Hello, hello.
What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.
What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.
What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.
What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out.
What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.
What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.
What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.
What is a zombie's favorite dessert?
Ladyfingers.
What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!
What is a ghost's favorite food?
Boo-loney sandwich.
What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!
What kind of math did the monster student do best?
Scare root.
What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"
What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.
What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.
What would you get if you crossed a wolf with a polyester jacket?
A wash-and-wearwolf.
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.
What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.
What's a mummy's favorite music?
Ragtime.
What's a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!
What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries.
What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.
When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.
When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.
Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!
Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
At the blood bank.
Where do monsters go for sunset sails?
Lake Eee-rie
Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.
Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower?
To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits.
Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."
Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor.
Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It's hard to pin anything on them.
Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.
Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.
Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!
Why did the monster eat the caboose?
The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."
Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul!
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.
Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.
Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend.
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.
Why do demons and ghouls always hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.
Why don't skeletons ski?
They don't have the guts.
Why don't witches ever have babies?
Warlocks have hollow weenies.
OtisAir
Line Up and Wait
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.!!'
Florida Cracker
Ejection Handle Pulled
- Joined
- May 4, 2009
- Messages
- 12,360
- Display Name
Display name:
Florida Cracker
The older we get....
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets(Unbelievable but
sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code
so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM 'thingy.'
(keep
shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay
down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the
way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the
kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to
emergency!'
Life is tough.
It's even tougher if you're
stupid!!!!
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets(Unbelievable but
sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code
so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM 'thingy.'
(keep
shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay
down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the
way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the
kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to
emergency!'
Life is tough.
It's even tougher if you're
stupid!!!!
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
Florida Cracker
Ejection Handle Pulled
- Joined
- May 4, 2009
- Messages
- 12,360
- Display Name
Display name:
Florida Cracker
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."[/FONT]
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."[/FONT]
John Baker
Final Approach
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2008
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- 7,471
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- San Diego, California
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Display name:
John Baker
One day a duck walks into a drugstore and asks the man at the counter "Ya got any duck food?" The man looks perturbed and tells the duck "Uh, no, this is a drugstore." The duck leaves.
The next day the same duck walks in and asks the man "Ya got any duck food?" The man replies "Hey, I told you yesterday, we have no duck food here! You want a pet store or something." The duck turns around and walks out the door.
The next day the duck is back yet again, asking "Ya got any duck food?" This time the man's really irritated, and yells "NO, we don't have any duck food, and if you don't stop asking me that, I'm going to come around this counter and nail your little ducky feet to the ground!" The duck leaves hastily.
The next day the duck is back again, and the man behind the counter is ready to burst. The duck looks up, and asks him "Ya got any nails?" Surprised, the man says "What? Uh, no, no I don't..." To which the duck says "Ya got any duck food?"
The next day the same duck walks in and asks the man "Ya got any duck food?" The man replies "Hey, I told you yesterday, we have no duck food here! You want a pet store or something." The duck turns around and walks out the door.
The next day the duck is back yet again, asking "Ya got any duck food?" This time the man's really irritated, and yells "NO, we don't have any duck food, and if you don't stop asking me that, I'm going to come around this counter and nail your little ducky feet to the ground!" The duck leaves hastily.
The next day the duck is back again, and the man behind the counter is ready to burst. The duck looks up, and asks him "Ya got any nails?" Surprised, the man says "What? Uh, no, no I don't..." To which the duck says "Ya got any duck food?"
John Baker
Final Approach
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2008
- Messages
- 7,471
- Location
- San Diego, California
- Display Name
Display name:
John Baker
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is
a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is
a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops
Florida Cracker
Ejection Handle Pulled
- Joined
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- 12,360
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Display name:
Florida Cracker
UK CLASSIFIED ADS
You have to love British humor!
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little b*st*rd.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbour ' s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker. Billy Connolly -
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can ' t have a headache and sex at the same time?
You have to love British humor!
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little b*st*rd.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbour ' s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker. Billy Connolly -
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can ' t have a headache and sex at the same time?
John Baker
Final Approach
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2008
- Messages
- 7,471
- Location
- San Diego, California
- Display Name
Display name:
John Baker
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick s___ out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
John Baker
Final Approach
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2008
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- San Diego, California
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Display name:
John Baker
What a situation !!!!
> > > A skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees > this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the > little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, > 350 pounds, 20 inch #####, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
> > The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
> > The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy > says, 'What's wrong with you?'
> > In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
> > The big #### says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give > you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me, I'm 7 feet > tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch #####, my testicles weigh 3 > pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
> > The little white Irishman says:
> 'Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'!
>
> > > A skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees > this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the > little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, > 350 pounds, 20 inch #####, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
> > The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
> > The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy > says, 'What's wrong with you?'
> > In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
> > The big #### says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give > you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me, I'm 7 feet > tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch #####, my testicles weigh 3 > pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
> > The little white Irishman says:
> 'Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'!
>
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
INTERESTING ANALOGY
Marriage is like a deck of cards....................
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end ..............
you'll wish you had a f#$%^&g club and a spade.....
Marriage is like a deck of cards....................
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end ..............
you'll wish you had a f#$%^&g club and a spade.....
ScottM
Taxi to Parking
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- Jul 19, 2005
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- Variable, but somewhere on earth
- Display Name
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iBazinga!
flyingcheesehead
Touchdown! Greaser!
ScottM
Taxi to Parking
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- Jul 19, 2005
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Display name:
iBazinga!
John Baker
Final Approach
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2008
- Messages
- 7,471
- Location
- San Diego, California
- Display Name
Display name:
John Baker
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
John Baker
Final Approach
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2008
- Messages
- 7,471
- Location
- San Diego, California
- Display Name
Display name:
John Baker
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
Maybe I missed it. Was there any ethnic reference in that video?
kgruber
Final Approach
None.......
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
Of course you know this means WAR.
Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street when one say "Ooops I lost my electron" then other responds "Are you sure".
Yep, I'm positive.
OffCenter
Pre-takeoff checklist
Tom-D
Taxi to Parking
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2005
- Messages
- 34,740
- Display Name
Display name:
Tom-D
Truths For Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time
John Baker
Final Approach
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2008
- Messages
- 7,471
- Location
- San Diego, California
- Display Name
Display name:
John Baker
Difference Between Grandmothers & Grandfathers
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Oh, yes, PapPap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single *******, blind bastard, dip**** or son of a ***** anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Oh, yes, PapPap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single *******, blind bastard, dip**** or son of a ***** anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
John Baker
Final Approach
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2008
- Messages
- 7,471
- Location
- San Diego, California
- Display Name
Display name:
John Baker
[FONT=Papyrus, Times New Roman]WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? [FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don' t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chic ken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? [FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don' t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chic ken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? [FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
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John Baker
Final Approach
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2008
- Messages
- 7,471
- Location
- San Diego, California
- Display Name
Display name:
John Baker
I represent that! I will have you know that I am an equal opportunity bigot, I don't care what "race" a person may belong to, I probably don't like him, especially if he is walking on my lawn.
John
- Joined
- Jun 7, 2008
- Messages
- 22,974
- Display Name
Display name:
Bob Noel
2a - except when your wife realizes she is wrong, and you know it, and she knows you know it....
26 - amen.
Matthew
Touchdown! Greaser!
The difference between men and women:
When a woman goes to the monkey house at the zoo:
"Eww, gross! Look what he's doing! Eww, he just threw...was that what I thought it was? Oh, sick! <gag> Gross! Eww, it's doing it again! !!!"
When man goes to the monkey house at the zoo:
"Huh. I could do that."
When a woman goes to the monkey house at the zoo:
"Eww, gross! Look what he's doing! Eww, he just threw...was that what I thought it was? Oh, sick! <gag> Gross! Eww, it's doing it again! !!!"
When man goes to the monkey house at the zoo:
"Huh. I could do that."
John Baker
Final Approach
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2008
- Messages
- 7,471
- Location
- San Diego, California
- Display Name
Display name:
John Baker
Ten reasons why men like guns
And
here we go...
#10 - You
can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at
home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and
tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few
times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep
another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even
if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of
closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the
month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use
it.
#1 - You can
put a silencer on a gun!
And
here we go...
#10 - You
can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at
home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and
tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few
times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep
another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even
if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of
closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the
month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use
it.
#1 - You can
put a silencer on a gun!
Last edited:
flygirl34q
Ejection Handle Pulled
- Joined
- May 8, 2010
- Messages
- 833
- Display Name
Display name:
-
> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her
> on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping
> boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my
wife
> is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife
> received the following letter from the local Target.
>
>
>
> Dear Mrs. Harris,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused
> quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
> have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints
> against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented
by
> our video surveillance cameras.
>
>
>
> 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and
> randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares
> to go off at 5-minute intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the
> floor leading to the women's restroom.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her
> in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
> This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a
> reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union
> grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company
> money.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to
> put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
>
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign
> to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping
> department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they
> would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which
> twenty children obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could
> help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just
leave
> me alone?' EMTs were called.
>
> 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security
> camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the
> hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
>
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store
> suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he
> practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
> people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the
> loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S
> THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
>
> And last, but not least:
>
> 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
> door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet
> paper in here.'
> One of the clerks passed out.
> on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping
> boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my
wife
> is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife
> received the following letter from the local Target.
>
>
>
> Dear Mrs. Harris,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused
> quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
> have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints
> against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented
by
> our video surveillance cameras.
>
>
>
> 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and
> randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares
> to go off at 5-minute intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the
> floor leading to the women's restroom.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her
> in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
> This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a
> reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union
> grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company
> money.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to
> put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
>
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign
> to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping
> department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they
> would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which
> twenty children obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could
> help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just
leave
> me alone?' EMTs were called.
>
> 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security
> camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the
> hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
>
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store
> suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he
> practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
> people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the
> loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S
> THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
>
> And last, but not least:
>
> 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
> door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet
> paper in here.'
> One of the clerks passed out.
silver-eagle
En-Route
16a. I hate leaving my house confident and good looking only to realize 2 hours AFTER I'm at work that my fly is open and my yellow shirt is hanging out.
Ask me how I know!
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
Red Skelton said it best:
At my age if I'm walking down the street and catch a pretty girl checking me out, I look down to see if I remembered to put my pants on.
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
You gotta wonder about co-workers who don't give you a heads up...