[Humor] Pun Tax Amnesty

AggieMike88

AggieMike88

Touchdown! Greaser!
Joined
Jan 13, 2010
Messages
20,805
Location
Denton, TX
Display Name
Display name:
The original "I don't know it all" of aviation.
Do you know of any really good and creative puns?

I am declaring amnesty from the usual pun tax, where the more awful (and less creative) puns are taxed and you must place the appropriate amount into the pun tax jar (also known as the Syn Tax jar), which later helped to fund the pizza for the annual Golden Snark Awards dinner.

So bring your best puns and help bring our pilot community laughing and groaning to it's knees.

---------------------------------------------------------

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there. Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one said, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and said "Then you must be....?"

Brother Michael sighed and said, "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
 
A man goes to his proctologist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I fart, it sounds like, "Honda."

The doctor says, "You mean you say, 'Honda?'"

"No," the man says. "My farts do."

"OK, open your mouth," says the doctor and looks inside. After a minute the doctor says, "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist."

The man asks, "Why a dentist?"

The doctor answers, "Because you have an absessed tooth."

"What the heck does that have to do with my condition?"

The doctor says, "Well, didn't you know? Absess makes the farts go Honda!"
 
In keeping with the monastic theme:

In a small village was a monastery with a walled garden full of exotic flowers. The Monks were world renowned for their ability to nurture the most exotic plants.

One day children were playing outside and the ball got kicked over the wall. The enterprising youths boosted one of their number over the wall to retrieve the ball. Unfortunately, he stumbled into a carnivorous plant and was eaten.

The villagers were understandably upset and demanded the monastery either remove the plant or move. The monks were unmoved and simply closed the gates and ignored the village.

So, the villagers came up with a plan: they would hire a hero to evict the monks and destroy the plant. They were able to hire a hero who soon finished the job. In celebration the villagers wanted to erect a statue of the hero and inquired as to his name. He replied "Hugh".

So remember, Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.



John
 
I was filling the right seat of a King Air once on a Talk-Like-A-Pirate national day. And boy, did we run into a great approach comtroller.
Descending on a STARrrgh, we heard "King Air four tango kilo, cross AIBEE at 5,000 and report crossing."
About 5 minutes later, we are crossing the waypoint and I report "I be over AIBEE, King Arrrr Farrr Tango Kilo"
I hear back "Four Tango kilo, Rogarrrrrr" :)

What, not exactly a pun by definition? Oh c'mon. :)
 
Once upon a time, there were two clams named George and Sam.

Folks would say, “How about those Clam brothers? Have you ever known two brothers who were so much different?”

Even as a child, George was always good to his parents, attended Sunday school regularly, and always followed the rules. And when he grew up, he maintained his saintly ways. Sam, on the other hand, grew to become a rascal, known to nip a bottle regularly, roll dice, and pursue women of questionable repute. Folks would say he reminded them of some pilots they knew.

Despite their differences, the two brothers were very close to each other and when Sam died—folks would say it was due to his fast living—George was heart broken, and for years mourned Sam’s passing.

In time, George died also, peacefully in his sleep, a Bible in his hands. When George appeared at the pearly gates, he was greeted warmly by Saint Peter who personally issued his robe, halo, and harp.

As soon as George could, he asked about his brother. “Saint Peter,” he said, “what about my brother Sam? I know it’s a stretch, but is he possibly here?”

Saint Peter shook his head sadly, pointing down below. “No, George, I’m sorry; he’s at the other place.”

Although not unexpected, George was saddened by this news, so saddened that he ventured to ask a favor of Saint Peter. “Sir,” he said, “I know you can’t admit Sam to this heavenly place, but would it be possible for me to go visit him?”

Saint Peter had never heard of such a request and only considered it at all because of George’s sterling reputation. Eventually, Saint Peter agreed, but with conditions. “Okay, George,” he said, “you may go visit your brother, but for only twenty-four hours, and then you must return here.” He added, “And you must wear your robe and halo, and take your harp with you so that those damned—pardon my expression—demons down there will know that you don’t belong there permanently”

George readily agreed and departed for the nether regions where he handed the guards, armed with pitchforks, his twenty-four hour pass. Upon being admitted, he immediately asked them if they possibly knew his brother and if they knew where he could find him.

“The demon sergeant of the guard said, “Oh, everybody down here knows him.” He pointed to a building just across the street, a street paved with fiery brimstone. “That’s his place over there.”

George looked and saw a sign on the building: “Sam’s Disco.” He zigzagged through the burning stones to the establishment and went inside. There he found his brother who had become quite successful with his combination dance joint and booze lounge. It was a happy occasion for the two brothers and they thoroughly enjoyed their reunion, so much so that George was even persuaded to have a taste of hard cider and took a spin on the dance floor with a comely sinner in a dress slit up the side.

Too soon, the twenty-four hours went by, and George had to say goodbye to his beloved, long lost brother.

As soon as he returned to the land of eternal bliss, Saint Peter came to meet him. “I was worried about you, my son,” said Saint Peter. “Did you find your brother?”

George said, “Yes, sir, and I was so glad to see him again. I had a wonderful time.”

Saint Peter looked him over and even smelled his breath. “Yes, I can see that,” said Saint Peter as he dusted off George’s robe, which had a touch of rogue on the color, and straightened the halo atop George’s head.

Then Saint Peter frowned a bit, a rarity for him. He said, “But, George, where is your harp?”

George looked anxiously around until he realized he didn’t have it. “Oh, no,” George said, “I left my harp in Sam Clam’s Disco.”

(Offered with apologies to Tony Bennett, and for those raised on Heavy Metal and Lady Gaga who may not get it, here’s a link that may offer a hint.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Bennett

Ira
 
Last edited:
RotorRambler said:
(Offered with apologies to Tony Bennett, and for those raised on Heavy Metal and Lady Gaga who may not get it, here’s a link that may offer a hint.)
Click to expand...

Just so you know, Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga are not mutually exclusive.

They even have a recent, and surprisingly good, duet album called "Cheek to Cheek."
 
Because of discord and strife beyond anyone's control, two identical twin babies from Istanbul were adopted out to two different families. One in Dubai where they named him Amal. And the other went to Madrid where he was named Juan.

As time went on, the extended family eventually planned a family reunion for the twin's 12th birthday and few them to so everyone could meet them, and they could get to know where they came from.

The twin who lived in Madrid was the first to arrive. And as he exited the jetway, there was much celebrating, hugs, kisses, photos, and a big general fuss over the young man.

Once that had settled down, the arrival of the other twin was announced, and the family started moving down the terminal with the exception of Great Uncle Yossef, who was heading for the exit.

When asked why he was leaving, he shrugged and declared, "Well, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
 
AggieMike88 said:
Because of discord and strife beyond anyone's control, two identical twin babies from Istanbul were adopted out to two different families. One in Dubai where they named him Amal. And the other went to Madrid where he was named Juan.

As time went on, the extended family eventually planned a family reunion for the twin's 12th birthday and few them to so everyone could meet them, and they could get to know where they came from.

The twin who lived in Madrid was the first to arrive. And as he exited the jetway, there was much celebrating, hugs, kisses, photos, and a big general fuss over the young man.

Once that had settled down, the arrival of the other twin was announced, and the family started moving down the terminal with the exception of Great Uncle Yossef, who was heading for the exit.

When asked why he was leaving, he shrugged and declared, "Well, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Click to expand...


:thumbsup::thumbsup:..:lol::lol::lol::lol::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
 
6PC was getting tired of Mrs. 6PC giving him all the house chores about the tomato garden, cleaning the pool, changing toilet flappers. After watching an old Michael Keaton movie, he had the inspiration of cloning himself.

But something went wrong in the lab and the resulting clone turned out to be incredibly rude. It would tease the kids and use bad language in front of them and make inappropriate gestures at Eren.

Eventually, 6PC got sick of his clone and took him for a flight, eventually pushing him out of the aircraft to it's death.

But 6PC's problems didn't end there. A farmer witnessed the plummet and called law enforcement.

The next day, Bryan was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
 
AggieMike88 said:
6PC was getting tired of Mrs. 6PC giving him all the house chores about the tomato garden, cleaning the pool, changing toilet flappers. After watching an old Michael Keaton movie, he had the inspiration of cloning himself.

But something went wrong in the lab and the resulting clone turned out to be incredibly rude. It would tease the kids and use bad language in front of them and make inappropriate gestures at Eren.

Eventually, 6PC got sick of his clone and took him for a flight, eventually pushing him out of the aircraft to it's death.

But 6PC's problems didn't end there. A farmer witnessed the plummet and called law enforcement.

The next day, Bryan was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
Click to expand...

Was that phone hooked up to 220, or 221 ?:dunno::D........:lol:
 
In a forest, two mature trees notice a new young sapling shooting up.

One of them says to the other, ‘Hey, where’d that guy come from?’

‘Must be a son-of-a-beech’ says the beech tree.

‘No, I say it’s a-son-of-a-birch’ says the first.

Along comes a woodpecker, and the trees say to it, ‘Hey, woodpecker, you know all the trees, is that new tree a son-of-a-beech or a son-of-a-birch?’

The woodpecker goes over to check it out. He pecks lightly on the sapling. He smiles, and pecks another time. He starts pecking faster, moves up, down, all around the little tree, pecking everywhere, wildly out of control.

The mature trees shout ‘Hey, woodpecker! Stop! What’s going on? Is it a son-of-a-beech or a son-of-a-birch?

The woodpecker looks up with a silly grin – ‘Neither,’ he says, ‘but it’s the tastiest piece of ash I’ve put my pecker in, in ages!’
 
A pun by Long Drink, at Callahan's –

Gentlemen, the story I am about to relate takes place in the distant future. Interstellar travel is commonplace; contacts with alien races are familiar experiences.

One day, however, a planet is discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant is an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of granite. At first it is mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life.

It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a mouth, but never eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a four-story condominium, but the organ lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lives.

This puzzles the hell out of the scientists, who try everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth – in vain. It just squats, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screams, ‘How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn’t use them?"

It just so happens that he’s the first one to ask a direct question in the thing’s presence. It rises with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thinks for a second, booms, ‘IT COULDN’T,’ and squats down again.

"My god," exclaims the xenobiologist, "Of course! It only stands to reason."​
 
This was a favorite of my high school math teacher, who was quite elderly way back then.

Once upon a time in an Indian village, there lived three squaws. Two squaws had young sons who were very overweight. The first squaw, whose son weighed 150 pounds, always placed her son on a bear hide near a pine grove; the second squaw, whose son also weighed 150 pounds, put her son on a moose hide in the shade of a large oak tree; but the third squaw, who was expecting the birth of her first son, always rested on a hippopotamus hide beside a bubbling brook. Her weight? 300 pounds!

To this day, mathematicians give credit to these women and their children for proving the Pythagorean Theorem, because you see: The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
 
gkainz said:
This was a favorite of my high school math teacher, who was quite elderly way back then.

Once upon a time in an Indian village, there lived three squaws. Two squaws had young sons who were very overweight. The first squaw, whose son weighed 150 pounds, always placed her son on a bear hide near a pine grove; the second squaw, whose son also weighed 150 pounds, put her son on a moose hide in the shade of a large oak tree; but the third squaw, who was expecting the birth of her first son, always rested on a hippopotamus hide beside a bubbling brook. Her weight? 300 pounds!

To this day, mathematicians give credit to these women and their children for proving the Pythagorean Theorem, because you see: The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Click to expand...


Oh good god.:hairraise:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top