How to spot an IT job from hell from their job description posting

denverpilot

denverpilot

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DenverPilot
A recruiter is bugging me to see if I want this job. See how many red flags YOU can spot...

I'll let you see the thoughts that run through any senior engineer's head while reading this, in italics...

I'll censor out some stuff but you can probably figure out who this is if you try. Won't take much.

I'm not going to worry too much about it, but who knows... maybe it'll be the last job on earth and I'll be turned down for it someday because I snarked at their job posting... I guess I'll starve.

Here we go...!

-----

Site Reliability Engineering (SRE) Engineer - Telephony

Job Type: Full-Time
Location: Denver, CO
Department: SRE NOC

[Just knowing it's based in a NOC already had me saying "no"... I didn't even have to read the rest, but let's, because it's FUN!]

The [Company Name Censored] environment is dynamic, success-driven, team-oriented and committed to providing world class service for its customers. Do you have the ability to thrive in a fast-paced environment? We are looking for candidates with an entrepreneurial spark!

[Awww... they forgot the whole "we're a family" thing... which says something, probably. Could they have crammed more standard buzzwords into this opening paragraph? Anyone with an entrepreneurial spark isn't going to go to work for this place, they're going to start a competitor and kick their ass. Duh. But we all know "We are looking for candidates who are dutiful little employees" doesn't really attract anyone.]

We’re not a phone company; we’re a cloud business-solutions provider. We've thrown out the old PBX along with its rigid rules and eliminated the complexity and unnecessary expense of managing business communications the old way.

[I bet you ARE a phone company. And I bet you don't get paid if the phones don't work. Thrown out the old... you mean like by configuring the system with phone numbers and a bunch of phones, and then they have to do stuff like ring and carry audio or all the other crap they might do, doesn't mean anything and you're out of business in telecom? "He who dies with the most Erlangs wins." We'll see further down just how "un-complex" your systems are...]

[Company Name Censored] is a leading Unified Communications as a Service (UCaaS) provider, offering an innovating suite of telephony, contact center, video conferencing, and collaboration products for enterprise, mid-size companies, and small businesses.

[Jack of all trades, and master of none? Like every other telecom company these days? Awesome! That'll help you focus. Yay decade old buzzwords and acronyms, too! UCaaS!! LOL. Hey just a thought, don't limit yourself to mid and small in your job postings either, don't you want a large customer? Or did you give up on doing that a long time ago and it just leaked into this posting? Just sayin'...]

Job Description:

The SRE Engineer contributes to the strategic objectives of the System Operations Division by providing telecommunication services and support. In this role you will perform the day to-day tasks for running of cloud-based environment consisting of telephony servers, media servers, fax servers, SIP proxies, etc. The SRE Engineer also investigates problems with applications and researches cloud-based VoIP telecom solutions. The SRE Engineer performs statistical analysis of data and participates in deployment procedures.

[So you're saying you haven't figured out how to create departments yet? How long have you been in business? I see Support, Operations, you listed off four separate platforms there, Troubleshooting/Systems Administration, Research & Marketing. While I appreciate that you think one engineer can do all of those things, and some can... I see a major organizational structure problems here.]

Responsibilities:

  • Administer, update and support unique components of our platform based on Linux and Windows OS, oriented on voice and fax telecommunication services for customers [Translation: We haven't decided on a technology or a platform yet. We can't commit to anything.]
  • Participate in projects intended to improve infrastructure, including the integration of new systems and software [Why the HELL would you add more things to this environment? You're hiring a RELIABILITY engineer, which indicates the above mess isn't reliable at all! You don't keep ADDING CRAP and expect reliability.]
  • Perform pre-production tests in Staging environments [Hey look, another department! QA! Holy hell.]
  • Deploying, configuring, and maintaining of voice and fax services, equipment and devices [You deploy through new product team, you configure ONCE and leave the bastard alone to do the defined job, if you're configuring things for customers you AUTOMATE that crap, you don't use mixed platforms for voice and fax, and you sure as hell don't pay an expensive engineer to do rack & stack.]
  • Responsibility for software and hardware capacity expansion [Another department, Executive Management.]
  • Keeps a keen eye on all [Company Name Censored] monitoring systems [The guy responsible for designing, testing, deploying, configuring, installing, and capacity... also handles monitoring. Riiiiiight. What exactly are you smoking? I know this is Denver and all, but seriously... leave it at home.]
  • Solves any problems that arise in services [Because while you're doing all that other stuff, forest fires are definitely on the menu with four platforms, and multiple services, while you're installing even more new things. You people really are high.]

Qualifications:

  • Bachelor’s Degree in Computer Science, Information Technology or similar [Yay, my "out'! I've been doing telephony for pushing 20 years and don't have a degree, so kiss my ass...]
  • 3+ years of experience in the position of VoIP engineer [You just said you wanted this person 100% responsible for all of your future business growth, design, installation, operations, and monitoring... and you think 3 years of experience is going to cut it. Wow. Translation: We aren't planning on paying very well.]
  • Strong grasp of Computer Science, Math and Science [We hired some guy the last time around who couldn't count his toes and was a Boulder hippie who thought "making a profit" was something someone else worried about when he designed this mess. Just a guess here.]
  • Remote administration of servers, network devices [This is a thing? Like firing up a VPN, ssh, or RDP is not something you would expect of ANY IT ENGINEER these days?]
  • Systems: Windows, Linux [Make up your mind. Seriously. I do both, but definitely have a preference for the one that can actually run for two years without a reboot. Just sayin'.]
  • Networking: Switches, Routers, Hubs, Servers, Cables, Racks, Firewalls, VLAN, TCP/IP, VoIP, BGP, SIP, RTP, RTCP, T.38 [Another department Network Engineering! I think we're up to seven departments now, right... not just a single job. And come on... who lists "TCP/IP" anymore? Seriously? For an engineer who's going to plan and build and test your ENTIRE telephony environment? EFFFFF me...]
  • Scripting skills: One of more of: Shell, Perl, Python, vbs, cmd [Ooh. "cmd"! I'll just whip out my "Learn 'cmd' in 24 Hours" book from Amazon... hey, wait a minute... isn't this department number eight, Software Engineering?]
  • Willingness to learn cloud telephony technologies. [THIS IS WHERE I LOST IT AND HAD TO POST THIS. You're hiring an engineer who's going to run well more than half of your company, as described above, and they should be "willing to learn"... HOLY ****! Are you retarded? READ WHAT YOU WROTE. OMG.]
  • 24х7 systems support [Nothing says "I have a great job running half the company" like being on call to fix it 24/7!]
  • Good communication skills [I probably won't e-mail this to you, so I guess I fail this one.]
  • Good team player [TEAM?! This job description is eight departments and twelve jobs! I think I could probably work with myself and not have too many arguments, but seriously?! What TEAM? You don't appear to have one, by this job description.]
 
Continued...



Preferred Skills:

  • VoIP knowledge and configuration of VoIP equipment (Polycom, Cisco, Linksys, etc) [I used to work for Polycom supporting the stuff you're using, probably. Cisco, I can get by on, but you're probably better off hiring a $300,000 a year CCIE with Telecom specialty if you're already down that religious path. Linksys? You just dropped LINKSYS into a serious job posting about BUSINESS telephony? Okay, stand by for a minute while I try not to throw up in my mouth a little bit.]
  • Convedia, or any kind of Telco Proxy based on Kamailio [Couldn't you just say "cheap SIP proxy nobody's ever heard of"? I'm trying to take you seriously here, but ... no wait, I'm not... moving on...]
  • SER / OpenSER / Kamailio [Didn't you just say "Kamailio" in the line above? Ahh wait I see, the one engineer who decided to use that open-source thing as it went from OpenSER to this new name, left... and nobody has a clue how the thing works... and you can't buy support contracts or training for it. AND... you didn't make him document what he did. Got it.]
  • Monitoring of Distributed Systems [You actually put this in here? LOL... ummm... what kind of distributed systems, and apparently we're talking both Linux and Windows so... are you thinking you'd like this all on the same monitoring platform?]
  • C/C++, PL-SQL [Holy hell. Let's just toss two complete programming languages at the bottom AND a specific version of SQL with NO DETAILS about why you added them nor to what level said engineer needs to know them. Is this a hint toward another Software Engineering job role inside of this job, or just need to read someone else's crappy code and tell them where they screwed up and dropped the entire platform? Inquiring minds want to know. Let me guess... that copy of OpenSER is HIGHLY HACKED UP and the guy left... and you have NO idea how you're going to maintain it, or who's going to do it.]


About [Company Name Censored]

[Company Name Censored], Inc. (NYSE: [Oh God, they're listed! I hope their investors don't see this job posting. This thing reeks of desperation.]) is a global provider of cloud unified communications and collaboration solutions. More flexible and cost-effective than legacy on-premise systems, [Company Name Censored] empowers today’s mobile and distributed workforces to be connected anywhere and on any device through voice, video, team messaging, collaboration, SMS, conferencing, online meetings, contact center, and fax. [Company Name Censored] provides an open platform that integrates with today’s leading business apps while giving customers the flexibility to customize their own workflows. [Company Name Censored] is a leader in the 2016 Gartner Magic Quadrant for Unified Communications as a Service Worldwide for the second consecutive year. [Company Name Censored] is headquartered in Belmont, Calif.

[Oh lord. The "Gartner Magic Quadrant"... the ******n J.D. Power and Associates of IT. That'll motivate anyone reading the job posting to run away faster than they were going to when they read the actual details.]

[Company Name Censored] is an EEO/AA employer. [This posting brought to you by HR and the number 12... after our lawyers approved it.]

[Note to self: E-mail recruiter and tell them it looks like about a $300,000 a year job, considering it would require every waking moment for three years, and it had better come with stock options that are already vested, a serious 401K match, and great medical. If they survive another three years without cleaning up the mess, I'll be amazed. But it'd make a decent "take the money and run" job, and if you managed to knock enough heads together hard enough you MIGHT get them on to a FEW platforms, proper corporate structure to support all three, and kill all the multiple low/no-profit products... but I doubt it.]
 
Nate, a simple "Erlang this, dude." would probably suffice. :)

BTW, after 6 months of interviewing candidates who can't possibly check even half the boxes, the CEO will ***** that there are no qualified people for the jobs he has open and will petition his congressdrone for more H1Bs.
 
I don’t know what 95% of that stuff means. But, since it’s likely that the writer of that job listing doesn’t know what 99% of that stuff is, I could probably ******** my way through the job interview.


Sent from my FISA-approved tracking device using Tapatalk
 
Nate: It used to be "we're a team". And that was replaced with the "We're a family thing"...which is soooo 2017.
Don't settle for anything less than a company that claims it is "building a community" inside its office space. ;)
 
Where are the statements at the bottom lauding to the skies the foosball, Friday afternoon team get-togethers and summer family outings to a Rockies game?
 
atbroome said:
I've worked at places like this before

https://www.forbes.com/sites/brucer...n-unified-communications-market/#4d46ccd059c2
Click to expand...

LOL. Me too.

I just had a hilarious phone call with an old boss who’s semi-retired who had actually applied for some things at this company, and they didn’t even bother responding to his applications.

The guy has 35+ years in telephony and more years than that as a hard skills electronics design engineer!!!

They’re completely screwed if they’re not calling folks like him back. Completely.

But I did read him most of that job posting and he was just groaning and laughing at the same time.

We both agreed, they have a good idea, but they also look like they got completely caught off guard by their own growth and just acquired other companies and went ape **** trying to keep up.

That’s how they ended up needing a SuperEngineer like that posting... or more likely, they will take anyone they can get who can do even 1/4 of that slapped together list.

They’re under water and barely staying afloat and probably have a total free for all going on internally with platforms and insanity. Especially if they kept all the people they acquired. The internal fights over what tend to utilize must be really impressive.

That’s our guess anyway.

Especially with a custom hacked together call router. That tech deficit isn’t going to scale. No way, no how.

And because they say they’re a “pure play” service vendor they can’t just announce that they’re buying all Cisco gear (because it will scale properly if you go ALL Cisco, and as much as that annoys me and I know it can be done cheaper, you simply MUST pick a vendor that can scale...) and go with it, because that’d kill their model of being “independent”.

They’re giving to have to make a decision and reading those CEO’s words he does not WANT to buy single-vendor. He wants telecom to be generic and able to run on any platform...

And that just doesn’t work. Not unless you build a massive massive development team and support something that can scale as big as a Cisco product can scale by simply buying already built and designed boxes.

OpenSER and Asterisk and all the open tools are really really great. Until you scale them. Then if you’re not really really careful to automate their deployment and front end them with something that can handle tens of thousands of phone calls, they become a maintenance nightmare.

I know. We had 3000+ call center agents working from home tied to Asterisk. It did numerous jobs for us, but the calls were front ended by Avaya and Audiocodes products for bulk call handling.

And it took multiple racks of 1RU Asterisk machines built identically down to the individual files on them to maintain stability in bulk on the back end. It was still CHEAP compared to some stuff, including Cisco, but it had to be done exactly one way or it would self-destruct.

What that CEO wants CAN be done but he needs a serious standard set and a solid plan on how to scale it up.

I just don’t see it from that job posting. They’re in “flail around and firefight while throwing more random tech in the fire” mode, is what it looks like to me.

I know two crotchety old engineers they should hire, not including me at all. They’d whip that mess into shape.

Scrabo said:
View attachment 63571 For some reason I automatically thought of this one....
Click to expand...

LOL LOL LOL.
 
"We're a family" . . .try asking your colleagues or employer to pitch in for your kid's tuition then.

You ain't my family, and I'm a mercenary SOB in a mercantile relationship. You'll sacrifice me like a voodoo chicken, if it becomes fiscally or poltically expedient. And you may have to guess that I quit, if a better gig finds me.
 
I'm more from the data and facilities side but that read with your comments was hilarious. The capper was the three years experience required. Three years? They need a twenty year guy that's been surfing the front of the wave, and anyone that's qualified would run like hell.

:D
 
Here are some translations I came up with based on my own 30 years in IT:

dynamic = Constant turnover.
success-driven = The execs claim all the success while you're driven mad.
committed = As in mental institution.
fast-paced = Unrealistic deadlines.
candidates with an entrepreneurial spark = They're going to pay you like an entrepreneur - little to nothing.
cloud = We're too outdated to use the new buzzword "blockchain".
you will perform the day-to-day tasks = As the newbie, you'll get stuck with all the crap jobs that everybody else is either too lazy (or too smart) to do.
fax servers = The 90's called and wants their technology back.
participates in deployment procedures = You'll be here until 3am every time there's an upgrade, which is so often you'll need to keep a sleeping bag under your desk.
unique components = All the free open source crap we cobbled together, with no support, maintenance, or SLAs.
fax telecommunication services = The 90's called. Again. And left you a message on your cassette tape answering machine.
fax services = The 90's have given up calling and are now coming over to rip that #*$&!*@ fax machine out of your office and take it back with them.
remote administration = We use dial-up modems and twenty-year-old copies of pcAnywhere.
Perl = Now the 2000's are calling...
24x7 systems support = You'll be using that sleeping bag under your desk more than you thought. Better to just sell your house and live out of the office. And we'll issue you the utmost in our 90's tech line - a pager!
leader in the 2016 Gartner Magic Quadrant = We think a dot on some graph paper will help sell more product. If you want a copy, we'll fax one to you!
 
I noticed the repeated references to fax technology.

Maybe they are implementing a new paradigm using insightful analysis to leverage the technology to the next level.
 
LoneAspen said:
remote administration = We use dial-up modems and twenty-year-old copies of pcAnywhere.
Click to expand...

I think you caused me a small stroke with that one. Bwahahahahaha. We really need to meet up for a beer.

Did I mention I was one of four people who implanted the first copies of pcAnywhere ever in one of my former employers because I got tired of getting pages on my pager to drive in and fix stupid printer problems? LOL. “PC Load Letter” indeed! ROFLMAO.

I also found some god awful thing that did the same thing as pcAnywhere for ... wait for it... wait... OS/2 Warp. It was made in Germany. Last time I checked they’re still selling it, too. LOL LOL LOL.

That crap saved me a lot of airline miles. Back when airline miles meant something.

Holy crap, they’re still in business. Looks like they dropped OS/2 support though. Hahahahaha. 30 years making remote access software. That’s just scary.

https://www.netop.com/remotesupport.htm
 
Ahh it was Denmark. Not Germany.

And their website. OMG... their “fake” contact info in grey on their contact us form...LOL LOL. Doogie Howser, MD?!

ec2a918c43e77894220dd2f4e2b2c9a7.jpg
 
This was a very useful post! I currently have two openings I am hiring for and intend to use your criteria to scrub the recs. I hope I did not make any if these errors but...
 
hankrausch said:
This was a very useful post! I currently have two openings I am hiring for and intend to use your criteria to scrub the recs. I hope I did not make any if these errors but...
Click to expand...
If you do this it will say:

Need someone to work a cushy job for lots of pay. Our company is so good we don’t really need you but you are so awesome you should be working for us. Come drink beer and play ping pong with us while we compliment each other on our perfection!
Click to expand...

Any hiring manager in IT that has time to write an awesome job description probably doesn’t actually need to hire. Any recruiter that writes a good job description is lying.
 
Last edited:
NOC = Not Overly Cool..

I dont like NOC's... Thats a deal killer right there.. 9 times out of ten you will have no life....
 
murphey said:
Where are the statements at the bottom lauding to the skies the foosball, Friday afternoon team get-togethers and summer family outings to a Rockies game?
Click to expand...
What, no coffee barista on site? Concierge service to run errands, since you're working 100+ hours a week?
 
My favorite. Job listings that ask for experience and education backgrounds that nobody except the people already working there may have. At the bottom of the listing there's the punch line - the contract rate. These people always ask for the world but pay less than what I was making 15 years ago.

They're nothing but an excuse to 'not' find a qualified candidate.
 
I'm not in that field. If somebody came into my office and started babbling about "the Magic Quadrant", I'd be surreptitiously trying to get the little spray-can of Liquid Jesus out of my handbag.
 
I want so badly to do a reality TV show where you apply to jobs like this and then video tape the interviews as you completely toy with these morons.

These are the same "telecom" people that come into my office and say we can sell you the greatest VOIP system known to man...AND we also do this and this and by the way what are you doing for DR and what is your strategy for....(fill in the blank).

I say listen, I went to an open source VOIP system over 10 years ago and have the rest of that stuff covered so unless what you are offering me costs $0 dollars I am not interested.
 
DFH65 said:
I want so badly to do a reality TV show where you apply to jobs like this and then video tape the interviews as you completely toy with these morons.
Click to expand...

You should! I think a lot of folks can relate!

I did 3 rounds of interviews with a local healthcare organization, and by the 3rd round, it was so comical that I told them, “I’m removing myself from consideration.” Between the bait-and-switch of “you’ll lead a team” to “you’re an individual contributor and we’ll think about a team” to phrases such as “you do this job for the humanity we provide” (meaning, we’re not paying you what you’re worth) to “you’ll be accountable to me for the accuracy of all programs and reporting” (meaning “I’m taking credit for all your business transformation programs, leadership successes, and cost savings”), it took all my professionalism to not tell the CIO what I exactly thought of his management structure and practices.
 
If you think that would be good, watch "The IT crowd"
 
Glad I don’t work in IT - you poor poor souls. I didn’t read the thread btw
 
rtk11 said:
You should! I think a lot of folks can relate!

I did 3 rounds of interviews with a local healthcare organization, and by the 3rd round, it was so comical that I told them, “I’m removing myself from consideration.” Between the bait-and-switch of “you’ll lead a team” to “you’re an individual contributor and we’ll think about a team” to phrases such as “you do this job for the humanity we provide” (meaning, we’re not paying you what you’re worth) to “you’ll be accountable to me for the accuracy of all programs and reporting” (meaning “I’m taking credit for all your business transformation programs, leadership successes, and cost savings”), it took all my professionalism to not tell the CIO what I exactly thought of his management structure and practices.
Click to expand...

I think Skype Interviews with absolutely crazy stuff going on in the background would be a riot.
 
It's not just IT though, it's everywhere. There is a reason for the gig economy, and it starts with "cheap" - the rates for some of the gig stuff I've seen are insultingly low. Not all, some. You get what you pay for.

I ran across a highly partisan publication that was recruiting for a temp-to-perm COO (had not yet told the person currently in the position that they were to be replaced) for $50/hour. Aside from the low rate and long commute, I decided that it would be bad career-wise to take such a partisan job in today's environment. Still glad I passed on it, though the recruiter never called me again.

Nate, that sounds like a situation where someone needs to go in to an interview, tell them what's what, offer to do the job under certain conditions. Then they can't say they weren't warned when the fail to heed the advice and it collapses.


Part of the reason that recruiters are used (and write job descriptions) is plausible deniability: the company can say "we didn't write it" when the person hired finds out its not accurate. Some high-end recruiters refund the fees to the client if the employee doesn't stay - those tend to do a much better job at recruiting and selection.
 
They lost me pretty much after "entrepreneurial." Do they want an engineer, or a salesman?
 
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