Ease family concerns of flying small aircraft

cocolos

cocolos

Pre-takeoff checklist
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cocolos
I post this in another post about engine failures but I think it would be better suited in another thread.

Here's my situation: The airplane I had a partnership in was involved in an accident (all the parties involved were okay, but were hospitalized for a week).
Ever since the accident I have been trying to calm the nerves of my significant other, which is totally understandable, but she is getting more scared as I fly more. Anyone else run into this situation? If so how do you explain to them or help them(non pilot family members) feel at ease?


For those interested here's quick overview of the accident:
The closest I got was a drop of 400rpm. I switched tanks went full rich and power was restored. I was at 9.5k feet right over an airport. I landed had a mechanic help investigate but found nothing a miss. Two months later the airplane went down with another member of our club on takeoff. Thankfully he had a 10k hour CFII next to him. They both got hospitalized but I believe that was mostly because we didn't have shoulder belts otherwise I believe they would have walked away.

NTSB Report

Thanks!
 
It's a tough one. It may just not be her cup of tea. My wife isn't wild about flying either, she only gets in the plane to go someplace she wants to go.
 
Just a thought.

Have her go up with a CFI and sit in the left seat where she can control it under instruction and fly with someone that is not you. Someone giving her information and she gets tomake the plane do its thing might help. I think a portion of the people that are iffy an flying have the fear of not being in control.

May not be the case here but might help.
 
It is a test. If you stop flying you fail. Let her be uneasy, chicks love being uneasy. Logic BS, and stats, and Nall report this and that do nothing but make you look like a chump, do not invoke them. If you have to argue take a clue from Maverick and say 'that's right icewoman I am dangerous.'
 
One lesson from that: get shoulder harnesses. I hate flying with lap belt only and even carry portable shoulder units that I can connect to the backseat lap belt. Unfortunately, there's no back seat in the older 150 one of my students bought. :nonod:
 
I'm actually not in the club anymore and I just rent from my local club, which has shoulder harnesses.


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Did she quit driving when someone she knew had a car accident? Did she quit eating because someone once burned her dinner? Unfortunately most fears are irrational and cannot be alleviated through logic. Good luck with this one!
 
It isn't a rational fear and therefore probably can't be countered by a rational argument. But here's what I did:

I asked the concerned family member how many people they knew who had died in small airplanes crashes. Couldn't name a single one.

Then I asked them how many people they knew who had died in car crashes. Or motorcycle crashes. It was like a light bulb went off and the response was OH! I get it!
 
I always fire back with "most dangerous part of flying is driving to the airport!"
 
Mason said:
It isn't a rational fear and therefore probably can't be countered by a rational argument. But here's what I did:

I asked the concerned family member how many people they knew who had died in small airplanes crashes. Couldn't name a single one.

Then I asked them how many people they knew who had died in car crashes. Or motorcycle crashes. It was like a light bulb went off and the response was OH! I get it!
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And if they retorted by saying they knew lots of drivers and not so many pilots?
 
LDJones said:
One lesson from that: get shoulder harnesses. I hate flying with lap belt only and even carry portable shoulder units that I can connect to the backseat lap belt. Unfortunately, there's no back seat in the older 150 one of my students bought. :nonod:
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Link??
 
My wife and family are getting better with it but I don't talk stats and stuff to them. I have said that flying is statistically as safe as riding a motorcycle - doesn't make anyone feel great - but it's more comparable to something they know and feel like they understand better. I also take the opportunity to tell/show my wife how most of the accidents that occur are pilots just plain doing dumb stuff. Flying in weather they can't handle, etc...

That said, there are situations like this that you just can't avoid and you hope to God that your training and some luck save you. I've been very honest with people that ask me about being scared and what not and I simply reply, "I'm not scared of any phase of flight...I was trained well and continue to practice emergency procedures. That said, the one phase of flight with the fewest options is on climb out. There's a few minutes where if something bad happens your options are limited...".

As others have said - some folks just are scared to death of it and every time they see a small plane crash being reported on the news it makes it worse. It's irrational and there's probably not much you are going to do to change it.

I'm in my early 40's and hope to be flying for at least the next 25 years or so and I've told my wife that she just better get used to it. :)

At some point in the next few years I'm going to get my instrument rating and I think that will quell some of the anxiety. I'll have a hundred or more additional hours under my belt and training to achieve a rating that will certainly make me a better pilot.

Good luck with it!
 
Shawn said:
I always fire back with "most dangerous part of flying is driving to the airport!"
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Might true for commercial flights but not GA


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LDJones said:
One lesson from that: get shoulder harnesses. I hate flying with lap belt only and even carry portable shoulder units that I can connect to the backseat lap belt. Unfortunately, there's no back seat in the older 150 one of my students bought. :nonod:
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This. I am getting my multi in a Seneca without shoulder belts. Drives me nuts. I keep saying it'll only be 10 hours in it but comeonnn shoulder belts are life savers.


And on another note, what is with older CFI's not wearing them? My Seneca CFI doesn't wear them at his day-job (KA pilot) and my much older than that single-engine CFI doens't wear them ever. Am I the only CFI ever who likes them? :dunno:
 
Mason said:
It isn't a rational fear and therefore probably can't be countered by a rational argument.
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Sounds pretty rational to me. A partner in the very plane he was flying crashed and they went to the hospital. That is rational fear of the known. Don't be so dismissive.
 
cocolos said:
Might true for commercial flights but not GA
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Actually it is

kenjr said:
I have said that flying is statistically as safe as riding a motorcycle...
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Flying isn't as safe as riding a motorcycle. It is ridiculously safer than riding a motorcycle :D Not trying to dog on two wheelers, I own one as well.

ClimbnSink said:
It is a test. If you stop flying you fail. Let her be uneasy, chicks love being uneasy.
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^^This^^

I am more of a stats guy and believe the numbers don't lie. In the US, over 10,000 people are killed by drunk drivers alone every year. People killed in plane crashes...400. Never had to deal with a wide that was uneasy, but a prospective high school girlfriend's mother who was uneasy after finding out I flew her daughter to dinner. She ended up calling the school, airport, and my house trying to lash out at someone. I flat out told her, we were more likely to get in a crash driving to the airport than we were once we got to the airport.
I got her calmed down but after having that convo with her mom I never called the girl again.

I would say over 70% of my flight training has been in emergency procedures and risk mitigation. Can't say the same about drivers ed...
 
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To the OP-

Your significant other has a legitimate concern. She can either live with the risk involved in flying, or she can't. It is her right to refuse to go flying. Don't try to beat her up with statistics, or feed her lies about driving to the airport.

It is what it is. Use the truth.

If she continues to refuse flying with you, your options are-

  • Quit flying.
  • Fly solo.
  • Find another significant other.
Only you can choose which is right. She is not wrong to be concerned, so don't blame her and make her the problem. If you were flying prior to meeting her, it might work to your advantage, but then again maybe not.

Good luck, I feel for you. I fly alone mostly.
 
Well she does voice her concern but always gives a statement along the lines don't let me stop you from doing what you like. She said she does want to go flying but just not now. I guess I just need to give it time.


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cocolos said:
Well she does voice her concern but always gives a statement along the lines don't let me stop you from doing what you like. She said she does want to go flying but just not now. I guess I just need to give it time.
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There you go. Give it a rest. Fly solo for a good long while and as she sees you return safe and sound again and again, maybe then ask her to join you again. In the mean time, make sure to let her know about all the precautions and steps you take for your safety in your personal flying. Don't beat her over the head with it, but drop hints here and there. Subtle is good. Evangelical is bad.
 
cocolos said:
Well she does voice her concern but always gives a statement along the lines don't let me stop you from doing what you like. She said she does want to go flying but just not now.
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So whats the problem? ;)
 
cocolos said:
Well she does voice her concern but always gives a statement along the lines don't let me stop you from doing what you like. She said she does want to go flying but just not now. I guess I just need to give it time.


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My wife has said she will fly with me after our kids all turn eighteen. Makes me crazy.

She has gone flying with our daughter on her flight lessons. Two months ago she flew in my plane on a 2.5hr Xc with a CFi friend of mine so she could join me in Utah for a motorcycle event ( CFi flew my plane home solo)( it was much quicker than the 8 hr drive)
But I can't get her to fly with the two off us together. I only have 18 months then her excuse is moot.

At least she is not afraid to fly :)


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mrindian said:
My wife has said she will fly with me after our kids all turn eighteen. Makes me crazy.

She has gone flying with our daughter on her flight lessons. Two months ago she flew in my plane on a 2.5hr Xc with a CFi friend of mine so she could join me in Utah for a motorcycle event ( CFi flew my plane home solo)( it was much quicker than the 8 hr drive)
But I can't get her to fly with the two off us together. I only have 18 months then her excuse is moot.

At least she is not afraid to fly :)
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Wow. Sounds like you just needed to get your CFI rating. She's looking for credentials. Keep an eye on that CFI friend... ;)
 
I don't think there is much you can do about this, certainly not through logical discussions on the matter or with statistics. I've been flying for over 40 years and during that time everyone, other than my Mom, who would never ride in a small plane, has been up - Wife, kids, Dad, Uncles, Cousins, Nieces, Friends, etc. But over the years, maybe as people got older or maybe as society grew more fearful of everything, it dwindled to where now I'm either solo or with another pilot. Few others seem to be interested or brave enough despite the fact that my sixty year old airplane has never killed anyone - EVER.

The other concern however is just that your family worries about you flying and not so much anyone else going with you and I think that's what you're asking about. I think in this day and age with cell phones or maybe even a SPOT tracker you could certainly alleviate some of that stress. I know I was guilty of just taking off on a Saturday morning ala Steve Foster and not telling anyone where I was going. I'd go to the mountains or up the Lost Coast and yea, I could have been one of those guys who just disappeared and was never found.

Then my wife got sick and it became clear to me how much she was afraid of that happening and being left alone so believe me, as much as you love flying, you can't blow that off. Don't let it become a selfish issue because if you live to be as old as me you'll get plenty of it. Care for the ones you love above all.
 
Silvaire said:
I don't think there is much you can do about this, certainly not through logical discussions on the matter or with statistics. I've been flying for over 40 years and during that time everyone, other than my Mom, who would never ride in a small plane, has been up - Wife, kids, Dad, Uncles, Cousins, Nieces, Friends, etc. But over the years, maybe as people got older or maybe as society grew more fearful of everything, it dwindled to where now I'm either solo or with another pilot. Few others seem to be interested or brave enough despite the fact that my sixty year old airplane has never killed anyone - EVER.

The other concern however is just that your family worries about you flying and not so much anyone else going with you and I think that's what you're asking about. I think in this day and age with cell phones or maybe even a SPOT tracker you could certainly alleviate some of that stress. I know I was guilty of just taking off on a Saturday morning ala Steve Foster and not telling anyone where I was going. I'd go to the mountains or up the Lost Coast and yea, I could have been one of those guys who just disappeared and was never found.

Then my wife got sick and it became clear to me how much she was afraid of that happening and being left alone so believe me, as much as you love flying, you can't blow that off. Don't let it become a selfish issue because if you live to be as old as me you'll get plenty of it. Care for the ones you love above all.
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Sound advice. Thank you! Will definitely think about getting a spot.
 
Silvaire said:
I don't think there is much you can do about this, certainly not through logical discussions on the matter or with statistics. I've been flying for over 40 years and during that time everyone, other than my Mom, who would never ride in a small plane, has been up - Wife, kids, Dad, Uncles, Cousins, Nieces, Friends, etc. But over the years, maybe as people got older or maybe as society grew more fearful of everything, it dwindled to where now I'm either solo or with another pilot. Few others seem to be interested or brave enough despite the fact that my sixty year old airplane has never killed anyone - EVER.

The other concern however is just that your family worries about you flying and not so much anyone else going with you and I think that's what you're asking about. I think in this day and age with cell phones or maybe even a SPOT tracker you could certainly alleviate some of that stress. I know I was guilty of just taking off on a Saturday morning ala Steve Foster and not telling anyone where I was going. I'd go to the mountains or up the Lost Coast and yea, I could have been one of those guys who just disappeared and was never found.

Then my wife got sick and it became clear to me how much she was afraid of that happening and being left alone so believe me, as much as you love flying, you can't blow that off. Don't let it become a selfish issue because if you live to be as old as me you'll get plenty of it. Care for the ones you love above all.
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How many high hr pilots have gone out many many times flying then that one day, they never return.

Your comment on your plane never ever killing anyone, well it just takes once.

From what the stats show us, we have a lot of high hour airplanes being flown by high hour pilots who end up never coming home.

Knowing this I tell my wife this. I am just as much worried about these Statistics as you, for how many of these pilots thought, today I will go flying and will die? I do not believe one of them thought that this day will be the last.

Because I know this, I make sure to do everything I can to make this a safe and enjoyable day. I do not want to die as you do not want me to die. I get blunt, screw the pu##y footing around.

We talk about airplanes verses this and that, go over it all. But in the end she knows as a pilot I understand its up to me to stay safe. If I am thinking safety and she see's this, this eases her mind. Will she ever stop worrying? No, but neither will I.

Out of all the statistics in the NTSB data base, how many pilots knew, today I will go fly and never return?

Keeps me within my limits knowing this.

Tony
 
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well said H.A.S.

I've had several people go up with me that are almost deathly afraid of flying in a GA airplane. They all want to go back up. I'm proud of the fact that even as a low time pilot by anyone's standards - they want to fly with me. They know I'm safe, they I know I over prepare when it comes to having the right stuff with me, knowing the weather, etc... and I don't take risks or chances. I fly an airplane that I partially own that is very well maintained and one of the other owners is a 40 year pilot with over 10k hours and is a retired big airline captain. He's been in the plane about 15 years and knowing that he's the 'boss' is comforting to all of us. He's also a great resource and every long'ish XC I've flown I've picked his brain before the flight or called him while I was at my destination to get his take on weather, etc... coming home.

A combo of all those things apparently makes whatever the risk is worth it to the folks who have flown with me. I'm confident...not cocky...in my abilities and the certainly eases the nerves of the passengers...even though I only have around ~160 hours under my belt.

I hope she comes around - it would be a huge bummer for me if my wife never wanted to fly anymore. :(
 
Tell her about the Cirrus parachute. Maybe she'll let yo buy one. :D

When the subject of danger arises, I always divert the conversation to all the recent car wrecks I have seen. I also talk about the time our flight to Hilton Head was called off because of weather and the. Tell about all the bad car crashes and tailgaters and speeders and close calls we saw while driving instead. Then I tell them how much safer I feel in the air.
 
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The best I have found is, "We all die, the only choice you have is in how you live"

I don't try to deflect to car accidents or statistics, none of that matters to fear. My ex wife was terrified of flying unless we were between the trees and climbing for fences. Her dad was an AF pilot, she grew up on AF bases, she knew better, intellectually she understood and accepted that we were safer at altitude, but it didn't change anything. The only way to get past fear is to accept that "yes, what I fear may become a reality." At that point they can quit dwelling on it and it has less chance of becoming a reality.
 
I am really lucky. My wife told me to get the airplane. Prefers to fly to our destinations, weather permitting. Wants me to get my IR so weather is less of a factor for departure. Is ok with me talking my daughter up alone. The only restriction she imposes is that it cannot be just her and me until our daughter is in college and on her way in life.

I think what helped was getting her a flying lesson with a female instructor early in our relationship.
 
1600vw said:
How many high hr drivers have gone out many many times driving then that one day, they never return.

Your comment on your car never ever killing anyone, well it just takes once.

From what the stats show us, we have a lot of high hour cars being driven by high hour drivers who end up never coming home.

Knowing this I tell my wife this. I am just as much worried about these Statistics as you, for how many of these drivers thought, today I will go driving and will die? I do not believe one of them thought that this day will be the last.
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Fixed that for you. ;) :D :rolleyes:

As far as putting others at ease about flying, I'm not sure what you can say that would change their perceptions. All I can say is that I have had way more close calls driving over the past 30 years including three wrecks where other people ran into me (not my fault), but I've never even remotely had a problem flying. I realize there are risks in life that includes flying as well as driving and I accept the risk of both. Whether real or perceived, I actually feel safer flying than driving. I do consulting work and I'm currently working 130 miles from home. If I make the commute driving I have to drive through two large cities and it takes over two hours to drive. I usually make the commute flying and I pass over a class 'D' airport on flight folowing in sparse airspace. My flight is less than an hour. When I fly I'm just as relaxed and refreshed when I complete the trip. Not so when driving. I have seen far more accidents and near misses the times I've driven. Fortunately my wife came from a flying family. Her uncle taught me to fly. Any time I do fly she knows where I'm going and I call her right before I take off and when I land. Given the choice I'll be flying.
 
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Gucci Pilot said:
Never had to deal with a wide that was uneasy, but a prospective high school girlfriend's mother who was uneasy after finding out I flew her daughter to dinner. She ended up calling the school, airport, and my house trying to lash out at someone. I flat out told her, we were more likely to get in a crash driving to the airport than we were once we got to the airport.
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I have experienced this. I was told that I'd never be able to fly with her in the plane because it's "bad luck". And because it's just not safe at all. I tried showing facts and figures and examples and it didn't change her opinion one bit. Some people are set in their ways I suppose.
 
I have a friend whose wife will only fly if the whole family is in the plane.
"If I die, we all die together" she says. She is super scared of flying but under those circumstances she will fly long distances with her husband.

When Mrs. 6PC and I fly together I do tend to have the thought once or twice that on some level this could be unfair to the kids because something could happen. I know there are 1000 ways to make them orphans in our day to day life and this is only one more so I don't dwell on it.

KenJr has a link around here somewhere and it is one of my favorite flying videos.
He has a passenger that I think had never flown GA before. She is clearly anxious in the first half of the video. By the time they are landing, she seems pretty happy.
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
I have a friend whose wife will only fly if the whole family is in the plane.
"If I die, we all die together" she says. She is super scared of flying but under those circumstances she will fly long distances with her husband.

When Mrs. 6PC and I fly together I do tend to have the thought once or twice that on some level this could be unfair to the kids because something could happen. I know there are 1000 ways to make them orphans in our day to day life and this is only one more so I don't dwell on it.

KenJr has a link around here somewhere and it is one of my favorite flying videos.
He has a passenger that I think had never flown GA before. She is clearly anxious in the first half of the video. By the time they are landing, she seems pretty happy.
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Your friend's line of thinking is not unique in my experience, however the logic is faulty since not everyone always dies in an accident.
 
SixPapaCharlie said:
I have a friend whose wife will only fly if the whole family is in the plane.
"If I die, we all die together" she says. She is super scared of flying but under those circumstances she will fly long distances with her husband.

When Mrs. 6PC and I fly together I do tend to have the thought once or twice that on some level this could be unfair to the kids because something could happen. I know there are 1000 ways to make them orphans in our day to day life and this is only one more so I don't dwell on it.

KenJr has a link around here somewhere and it is one of my favorite flying videos.
He has a passenger that I think had never flown GA before. She is clearly anxious in the first half of the video. By the time they are landing, she seems pretty happy.
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My -10 either hauls me solo or the whole family on most flights. I understand.

I spent 1.3 hrs and $102 Friday practicing stalls up high without looking at airspeed, slow flight, simulated engine outs on climbout(600' agl)/crosswind/downwind. Overshot twice, undershot once, made it in 10 times- learn various ways to manage your energy. As long as my prop is turning(740 rpm-blue knob pulled out and 80 kias), oil is being pumped, my prop will stay at 31 degrees max pitch- boy what a difference that makes in your glide. We lost a -10 driver and his step granddaughter this summer .7 nm from an airport during engine failure. He stalled and spun in. When I was passing over the treetops on a gradual base turn during my 80 kt max glide, I can understand how one can try to extend the glide. Keep that nose down even though it does not look like you will make it. If I slow to 70 kias without flaps, I'll drop like a rock. 64 kias is clean stall for me. There may be a time in an actual emergency where I know I am not going to make it to the runway "clean". One must make that decision to land UNDER CONTROL-lower my electric flaps, fuel valve/power OFF and land in a field/tree tops/water. There is nothing like practicing down low, but get to know your plane up high first. We do practice this at gross too, with improved glide/higher stall speeds.

Cocolos- you could spend this "family flying down time" getting very familiar with your aircraft. Take a CFI and practice things you have never or rarely tried until it is second nature. I was a little nervous with sweaty palms at first. Friday was 90F+ inside my plane and my hand never slipped once on my wood stick grip. Good luck and we hope she will get back up with you soon.
 
One of my co-owner's wives started screaming at the first bank of the wings on her first and only ride in the airplane.

Sometimes people are just scared of stuff.

See the silly thread on spiders if you want to see some pilots freaking out about something similarly. ;)
 
She is concerned you will crash and burn in an aircraft? How terrible of her!

How about you take her out to dinner and explain your love of aviation and ask her to help solve the conflict... Maybe make a compromise of some kind.

Otherwise, you will eventually end up having to live with her anxiety and possible nagging. Or you will quit flying. Or you will get a new girlfriend and start the cycle all over again.
 
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