- Joined
- May 11, 2010
- Messages
- 20,681
- Location
- Charlotte, NC
- Display Name
Display name:
Snorting his way across the USA
Okay it's like this. It was a crisp, dark, autumn morning as I arrived at the deserted rear door of the office. Chipmunks scurried about. Actually I don't think they have chipmunks here. Okay so they were squirrels. But this isn't about squirrels.
Sac: Morning!
Dirk: Do you know, do you know, what time it is?
Sac: (looking at the open ice chest full of beer) OMFG it's....BBQ time!
Dirk: (Eyeing my empty hands) I see you signed up to bring... cole slaw....
Sac: OMFG you're right! sheeott, Raley's isn't open yet...
Dirk: Safeway is....
Fast forward. It's still dark but I'll be damned if Dirk wasn't darned dead on. I proceeded through myriads of rows of canned and boxed items, frozen products like Tortino's pizzas and cheese ball things, disposable adult undergarments, health care items, a Starbucks and finally to the deli counter. It was unlit, however, there was a plethora of salad items on display. They were all perfect. Pristine. Virgin. Untouched. Unviolated. Unconsumated. Undehymenated. All different kinds with exotic sounding names and even more exotic unit prices. Like Italian Basil Pesto Caligula Arigola Caprese Salad. And Chinese Hunan Mongolia Bistro Fusion California Noodle Salad. And some quartered tomatoes with parmesan sprinkled on top for nearly five bucks a pound. I'm all about WTF.
Then there she was. Her hair was autumn brown, she had greenish eyes. She was captivating. Her presence was... commanding. "Hi, may I help you?"
"Um yeah, you have, cole slaw, right?"
"I do not have cole slaw."
"No cole slaw. Really."
"I didn't have enough to put it out on display. But... I do have some packaged up in the back. A couple small cartons. Would you like to see them?"
"Yes!"
"Here they are!" She had a radiant smile. Her breasts giggled with anxiety as her massive hips brushed past the dooway. Literally. On both sides.
"F*** yeah, I'll take them!"
At that moment there was a non verbal communication. It was like "Take them? What are you looking at, you can't have those" and was all about "really, I don't want them, the hips either, I'll stick with the cole slaw thank you."
Okay. Now did I just violate a protocol? If she became offended of my non verbal renouncement, and she put the cole slaw back in the rear fridge, it would really put me out. I feigned puppy dog eyes and angled my torso as if to suggest the hint of a slight erection, and saw that all was good when she placed them on the scales and slapped the labels on them.
Okay, now, the quantity. Yes I realize that two little tubs won't feed 20 people. It doesn't matter. Every time I get two tubs. I'm the only one that eats this stuff plus there will be massive tri tip and bratwurst, and other salads and munchies and stuff and even cupcakes and pies and probably some blow and eight ball. (or not.)
Sac: Morning!
Dirk: Do you know, do you know, what time it is?
Sac: (looking at the open ice chest full of beer) OMFG it's....BBQ time!
Dirk: (Eyeing my empty hands) I see you signed up to bring... cole slaw....
Sac: OMFG you're right! sheeott, Raley's isn't open yet...
Dirk: Safeway is....
Fast forward. It's still dark but I'll be damned if Dirk wasn't darned dead on. I proceeded through myriads of rows of canned and boxed items, frozen products like Tortino's pizzas and cheese ball things, disposable adult undergarments, health care items, a Starbucks and finally to the deli counter. It was unlit, however, there was a plethora of salad items on display. They were all perfect. Pristine. Virgin. Untouched. Unviolated. Unconsumated. Undehymenated. All different kinds with exotic sounding names and even more exotic unit prices. Like Italian Basil Pesto Caligula Arigola Caprese Salad. And Chinese Hunan Mongolia Bistro Fusion California Noodle Salad. And some quartered tomatoes with parmesan sprinkled on top for nearly five bucks a pound. I'm all about WTF.
Then there she was. Her hair was autumn brown, she had greenish eyes. She was captivating. Her presence was... commanding. "Hi, may I help you?"
"Um yeah, you have, cole slaw, right?"
"I do not have cole slaw."
"No cole slaw. Really."
"I didn't have enough to put it out on display. But... I do have some packaged up in the back. A couple small cartons. Would you like to see them?"
"Yes!"
"Here they are!" She had a radiant smile. Her breasts giggled with anxiety as her massive hips brushed past the dooway. Literally. On both sides.
"F*** yeah, I'll take them!"
At that moment there was a non verbal communication. It was like "Take them? What are you looking at, you can't have those" and was all about "really, I don't want them, the hips either, I'll stick with the cole slaw thank you."
Okay. Now did I just violate a protocol? If she became offended of my non verbal renouncement, and she put the cole slaw back in the rear fridge, it would really put me out. I feigned puppy dog eyes and angled my torso as if to suggest the hint of a slight erection, and saw that all was good when she placed them on the scales and slapped the labels on them.
Okay, now, the quantity. Yes I realize that two little tubs won't feed 20 people. It doesn't matter. Every time I get two tubs. I'm the only one that eats this stuff plus there will be massive tri tip and bratwurst, and other salads and munchies and stuff and even cupcakes and pies and probably some blow and eight ball. (or not.)
