Borderline Personality Disorder

[Unregistered]

Just advice, know who your friends are and don't be afraid to lean on them thats what got me through it in one piece. I know exactly how you feel however likely not as in depth. Hang in there! Thank you for making this thread it has helped me through some of the post-issues that accompany this.

Yes, I am leaning on my friends and family, including my family here. Pilots are good people. I was made to think I was the most rotten person by my wife. Nothing but insults, profanity, abuse, and hysteria. Constant chaos and drama punctuated by occassional good times which became less and less.

She has ALL the traits that Crash posted. All of them, and I've done a lot of research on it. She is BPD to a T.

I feel for you that you had to go through that with your gf. I NEVER want to go through this again.

 

[woodstock]

Thanks for the words of encouragement Woodstock.

Getting through the holidays was rough. I leaned on family and friends hard. I just have to look ahead to a better 2011, but I am just so tired of feeling sad, lonely and abandoned.

You may be sad, today, you may be lonely, today. You aren't abandoned. You are making a good choice to stop the pain. That isn't abandonment, that's actually an incredibly positive step.

Can you spend time with pets? If not your own, someone else's? Don't scoff, animals are great to be around. Walk your family's dog, or a neighbor's. I bet they'd love it - both the owner and the pet. Establish a new routine. Something to get your mind off of the past.

 

[Unregistered]

You may be sad, today, you may be lonely, today. You aren't abandoned. You are making a good choice to stop the pain. That isn't abandonment, that's actually an incredibly positive step.

True, but I feel abandoned by someone who married me took those vows, said those words before God and then treated me with utter disdain, hate and disrespect. A total sham.

Can you spend time with pets? If not your own, someone else's? Don't scoff, animals are great to be around. Walk your family's dog, or a neighbor's. I bet they'd love it - both the owner and the pet. Establish a new routine. Something to get your mind off of the past.

I don't have any pets. Maybe I can dog sit for someone. That's a good ideas.

 

[Unregistered]

selfish, expliotave, and unconcerned for the needs of others.

That pretty much sums her up.

You have to divorce this woman NOW!!! There's no other way.

I am leaning that way.

Just prepare for her behavior to get worse, BPD's are driven by the fear of abandonment. She will at first, make great overatures to mend the relationship, then become more abusive than ever.

I have read that also. I am not looking forward to that period or conversations.

I take it you've read the DSM-IV on BPD??

Not yet, but I have read a lot about BPD on line. It is trulyscary. I will look up the DSM-IV.

Thank you so much for your input. I will take your advice seriously.

 

[Unregistered]

That pretty much sums her up.



I am leaning that way.



I have read that also. I am not looking forward to that period or conversations.



Not yet, but I have read a lot about BPD on line. It is trulyscary. I will look up the DSM-IV.

Thank you so much for your input. I will take your advice seriously.

As far as personality disoders go, this is one of the worst. It will not get better. If she really has this leave her now and move on.

 

[Unregistered]

As far as personality disoders go, this is one of the worst. It will not get better. If she really has this leave her now and move on.

OP here. Well I am not a mental health professional so I can not diagnose her. A therapist we saw together for a little while led me to this possibility, (but he didn't have enough time to diagnose her) and when I started reading up on it, all the lightbulbs went off. I knew something was wrong, but she had me convinced it was all my fault, all the time. She's a master manipulator and contoller.

Bottom line. I am pretty sure she has it or something similar, but even if it didn't have a name its just pure agony and chaos and I can't live like that.

 

[Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe]

OP here. Well I am not a mental health professional so I can not diagnose her. A therapist we saw together for a little while led me to this possibility, (but he didn't have enough time to diagnose her) and when I started reading up on it, all the lightbulbs went off. I knew something was wrong, but she had me convinced it was all my fault, all the time. She's a master manipulator and contoller.

Bottom line. I am pretty sure she has it or something similar, but even if it didn't have a name its just pure agony and chaos and I can't live like that.

Given that she is unwilling to get assistance, it really doesn't matter exactly what the diagnosis is. If she is unwilling, then there is no chance for a change.

 

[Dale Young]

My dad once said... " A crazy gal will ,in turn, make you crazy. So run, dont walk.

 

[Unregistered]

My dad once said... " A crazy gal will ,in turn, make you crazy. So run, dont walk.

Everyone, including my councellor tells me to get out of it and get a divorce. I don't know for sure if she's BPD, but as I said before, she has all the traits. Another friend of mine suggested it may be an anxiety or depression issue, and she has both of those I know. It could just be part of BPD, but I'm thinking maybe meds would help her and we should keep trying. I know this is probably wishful thinking on my part and my desire on not letting go of the good I sometimes had with her.

 

[steingar]

True, but I feel abandoned by someone who married me took those vows, said those words before God and then treated me with utter disdain, hate and disrespect. A total sham.

You are mistaken. Your spouse's behavior is not entirely her fault, and she did not abandon you of her own volition. She is not in complete control of her own actions. The sooner you realize this the easier it will be.

She is as much a victim as you. However, she is no longer the person you married. As such your vows carry no weight. Put another way, if you married someone, and a mischievous soul substituted her for her hellacious twin sister, would you feel any loyalty to your vows?

 

[Unregistered]

You are mistaken. Your spouse's behavior is not entirely her fault, and she did not abandon you of her own volition. She is not in complete control of her own actions. The sooner you realize this the easier it will be.

She is as much a victim as you. However, she is no longer the person you married. As such your vows carry no weight. Put another way, if you married someone, and a mischievous soul substituted her for her hellacious twin sister, would you feel any loyalty to your vows?

I understand that she is mentally ill in some way and that is what drives her actions and horrible things she says to me, and I mean over the top, really bad stuff. I don't really feel guilty if I get a divorce as its just a freak show being married to her and it ain't me. Not that I am perfect, far from it, but I do not treat people anywhere near what she is doing to me. I guess its mostly sadness, disbelief, and wanting to have all the good things back that I had with her. It just a pervasive feeling that things are really bad, will not get better and I will never be able to find another to have the attachment I had with her.

 

[milestogo]

Hi all. I need some medical advice as it could effect my flying.

I have been on a roller coaster ride of a relationsip and marriage with a woman whom I strongly believe has Borderline Personality Disorder. She is undiagnosed and refuses to seek treatment. The relationship was extremely great at first but became gradually more and more abusive to the point of entering the surreal. Its crushed my spirit and soul and I am a shell of my former self. I am suffering from mild to moderatedepression. Sometimes worse than others.

Is there anything I can do that would not effect my medical to help my depression? Anything I can take? I know exercise, joining support groups, going to therapy, etc are all things I can do and once I get a little more will power I will start.

Advice?

I really feel for you. I have experience dealing with this I won't go into details with while logged in. Don't be too quick to call it BPD. She may just be mean and abusive. Therapy is a good start if insurance covers it or you can afford it. Support groups are also good if you can find a good one. Friends and family help as well just to discuss. My untrained opinion is that taking medication unless you are currently severely hampared or suicidal dealys dealing with the issue. Divorce may be the solution but don't jump too fast until you explore the options above. You'll need help dealing with her more outrageous demands as well. I suggest the book - "In Sheeps Clothing" as a realy good start and a short impactful read. Good Luck. PM my if you want someone directly to talk with.

 

[RJM62]

Everyone, including my councellor tells me to get out of it and get a divorce. I don't know for sure if she's BPD, but as I said before, she has all the traits. Another friend of mine suggested it may be an anxiety or depression issue, and she has both of those I know. It could just be part of BPD, but I'm thinking maybe meds would help her and we should keep trying. I know this is probably wishful thinking on my part and my desire on not letting go of the good I sometimes had with her.

I doubt that anyone could give a "definitive" diagnosis. With the exception of a very few disorders that have known organic bases that can be objectively tested for, psychodiagnostics pretty much depends on each examiner's subjective impressions. And psychologists aren't exactly famous for the precision and unanimity of their clinical impressions. Ask ten shrinks the same question, and you'll likely get twelve different answers.

Diagnosis (or lack of same) aside, your concern for her and your hopefulness / wishful thinking that meds can help her are admirable. They show a level of commitment on your part that speaks to your character. But at some point, wishful thinking can cross the line into delusional thinking; and commitment into denial of reality. That line isn't clearly marked, so just be on the lookout for it.

-Rich

 

[milestogo]

The DSM-V is actually getting rid of narcisistic disorder and a few others. I think BPD is remaining. However, it is notoriously tempting to diagnose abusive and nasty behaviour into these categories. I almost did it in the experience I had with such behaviour. My understaning of BPD is that it is connected to childhood abuse or neglect. Absent that, it may just be old fashioned nastiness.

Regardless, the effect of abuse from someone you love is devastating. Estimates from several studies including those in the UK indicate that abuse is pretty evenly spread between woman and men as the perpetrators. Male on female abuse is prone wore towards physical abuse but there are plenty of cases of female on male physical abuse. Regardless, mental abuse can be equally devastating and harder to deal with because the scars are emotional and less immediately evident.

It is particularly hard for men to admit they are being abused and to seek help for obvious cultural reasons. It has been encouraging to see the support in this forum and the lack of judgment.

 

[Unregistered]

My understaning of BPD is that it is connected to childhood abuse or neglect. Absent that, it may just be old fashioned nastiness.

I don't know if anything happened in her past or not. She never told me about anything. Yes, could just be nastiness.

Regardless, the effect of abuse from someone you love is devastating.

This has to be one of the worst things I've gone through.

It is particularly hard for men to admit they are being abused and to seek help for obvious cultural reasons. It has been encouraging to see the support in this forum and the lack of judgment.

I am new here and everyone has been great. People here have been very understanding and supportive.

In addition to BPD, I believe she is Histrionic also. You mental healthcare pro's now know what I have been dealing with. I realize I need to focus on me now, but its hard.

 

[silver-eagle]

Get out while you can still say it is her fault. Otherwise, you'll spend years and years working to keep her healthy (presuming she ever does get treatment), find yourself looking for more excuses not to be around, and end up in divorce court with YOU as the defendant and lose everything you worked for for you and her.
Or the other side is... She hurts you or herself seriously.
Treatable, sure. How much energy can YOU put into it? It HAS to be managed agressively and constantly and YOU have to be involved. The first thing is to find a doctor (start with your GP) who can help both of you.

 

[Unregistered]

Get out while you can still say it is her fault. Otherwise, you'll spend years and years working to keep her healthy (presuming she ever does get treatment), find yourself looking for more excuses not to be around, and end up in divorce court with YOU as the defendant and lose everything you worked for for you and her.
Or the other side is... She hurts you or herself seriously.
Treatable, sure. How much energy can YOU put into it? It HAS to be managed agressively and constantly and YOU have to be involved. The first thing is to find a doctor (start with your GP) who can help both of you.

That is scary stuff and knowing her personality she could do all that stuff. Its a moot point because she is in denial about having any issues at all. She almost had me convinced it was all my fault all the time. People outside of the relationship initially saw what I didn't see. Its not me, I know that.

 

[silver-eagle]

Yup. You could be the crazy one but at least you're doing something about it.
Tell her she talks to a doctor and gets help or you're out the door. Maybe when it becomes "real" for her, she actually will do something about it.
PS: Line up all the paperwork first and be ready to execute it. You can not help her until SHE HELPS HERSELF!

 

[Henning]

Hi all. I need some medical advice as it could effect my flying.

I have been on a roller coaster ride of a relationsip and marriage with a woman whom I strongly believe has Borderline Personality Disorder. She is undiagnosed and refuses to seek treatment. The relationship was extremely great at first but became gradually more and more abusive to the point of entering the surreal. Its crushed my spirit and soul and I am a shell of my former self. I am suffering from mild to moderatedepression. Sometimes worse than others.

Is there anything I can do that would not effect my medical to help my depression? Anything I can take? I know exercise, joining support groups, going to therapy, etc are all things I can do and once I get a little more will power I will start.

Advice?

Yep, since you're married, it's pretty easy to have her committed, or you can choose to leave. You need to change the status of your relationship, not go on drugs.

 

[Doggtyred]

Yep, since you're married, it's pretty easy to have her committed, or you can choose to leave. You need to change the status of your relationship, not go on drugs.

Not so in Texas.. Being bat**** crazy or angry doesn't mean you are committable. In Texas the criteria are "danger to ones self, danger to others, or at risk of decompensation".. and the judge has to agree. Then the doctor has to agree after exam.

Making someone else's life hell on earth is not always enough. Our system is spring loaded to protect the rights of the individual, not the ones they impact.

 

[Henning]

Not so in Texas.. Being bat**** crazy or angry doesn't mean you are committable. In Texas the criteria are "danger to ones self, danger to others, or at risk of decompensation".. and the judge has to agree. Then the doctor has to agree after exam.

Making someone else's life hell on earth is not always enough. Our system is spring loaded to protect the rights of the individual, not the ones they impact.

My ex wife would vehemently disagree with you.....

 

[Doggtyred]

My ex wife would vehemently disagree with you.....

There are 3 categories of folks who can swear out a mental health warrant in Texas. A police officer. A doctor. or an Interested 3rd party (that includes spouses or anyone else who witnesses the behavior).

A spouse can initiate the proceedings. But you dont have to be a spouse to do so. Or even a significant other. Or even a family member.

 

[Henning]

There are 3 categories of folks who can swear out a mental health warrant in Texas. A police officer. A doctor. or an Interested 3rd party (that includes spouses or anyone else who witnesses the behavior).

A spouse can initiate the proceedings. But you dont have to be a spouse to do so. Or even a significant other. Or even a family member.

Right, but it's pretty easy for a spouse to get the doctor to initiate the 72hr observation (especially if there is a history of injurious behavior), if she is over the edge (and has the means to cover the hospitalization costs) the doctor will know and it is easy to convince the doctor to keep her for a while.

 

[Unregistered]

Well it's me again. The OP for this thread. Just an update for all the kind people here who gave me good advice.

On the advice of friends, family, and people here I filed for divorce. However, we ended up reconciling and getting back together a few months after I posted the question here about BPD, or Bi-Polar. We initially had some good months again, and have been together until recentlty when we again seperated. It pretty much went the same way as before with her cycling between being somewhat OK, then raging with me, it seems to have a 2 - 3 week cycle and may also be affected by her menstrual cycle. Re-reading this thread has helped.

I am going through a rough spell again, and guess I just needed to vent a little. Thanks.

 

[Geico266]

Divorce and move on. Your marriage cannot be saved.

JMHO.

 

[AdamZ]

Hang in there! You will get through this. Its kind of like an instrument approach. The closer you get to breaking out the darker it gets and then BAM! Next thing you know you broke out and can see the runway in front of you.

 

[Unregistered]

Thanks guys. The problem is, I'm going to lose a lot in the divorce. A lot. I know it will be worth it, but I must be an idiot but even with all the crap she's put me through I still care about her. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

 

[Unregistered]

(not OP)

I know someone who has the same issues as your wife. My girlfriend's aunt..

Aunt meg has good days and bad days. She's either really nice, sometimes overly nice 'fake nice' or she's in a foul mood. Being in a foul mood is characterized by passive-aggressive type behavior with occasional outbursts of yelling and accusations directed at family members. Sometimes she'll be in the 'fake nice' mode all day and then suddenly freak out.

The good news is that she has children who are grown, and she gets along with them and her extended family pretty well considering her personality. They've all just learned to deal with it which basically means to hit the ignore button when she is in crazy/angry mode. The family all knows that she is 'bi polar or something'.

The bad news is that she has a little trouble keeping a job, even though she has a degree and is intelligent. The other bad news is that she is in her 50's and currently living with her on-again off-again boyfriend of several years. They've moved in together, moved out, and moved back in together twice in the two years I have known her. She had kids with husband #1 who threw in the towel a few years after they were born. Husband #2, the poor guy was living in a small garage/cabin he built on the edge of his property in the final year of his short lived marriage.

 

[Unregistered]

Thanks guys. The problem is, I'm going to lose a lot in the divorce. A lot. I know it will be worth it, but I must be an idiot but even with all the crap she's put me through I still care about her. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

If you know it will be worth it, do it. Obviously can't take any advice from strangers seriously but if your friends and councilor are of this opinion, you should take that seriously.

I know there will be a lot of short term loss in a divorce but do think about your future as well. I know relationship issues have had negative impacts on my health and productivity in the past, and that's from relatively short term problems dating women who did not have any mental health issues (well at least not this serious rofl).

 

[Unregistered]

(not OP)
currently living with her on-again off-again boyfriend of several years. They've moved in together, moved out, and moved back in together twice in the two years I have known her. She had kids with husband #1 who threw in the towel a few years after they were born. Husband #2, the poor guy was living in a small garage.

Op here. That is amazing. We were on again, off again also, usually only apart for a few days or a week at a time, but then we seperated for two months. It has always been a roller coaster ride.

 

[Matthew]

I don't know the whole history, and I'm not going to read all the previous posts - but I think a question to ask is, "Do you have a marriage anymore?" If Yes, then you'll have to deal with it, with her, and with doing whatever you can to help and support her. If No, then get to work on an exit strategy and don't look back.

 

[comanchepilot]

Thanks guys. The problem is, I'm going to lose a lot in the divorce. A lot. I know it will be worth it, but I must be an idiot but even with all the crap she's put me through I still care about her. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

Ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?

Get out. Fight her taking your stuff.

Free advice? take it for another 3 months. Plan carefully. Open new credits in your name only, start moving money into accounts only you control. Do that the last month the day the statements close in case she checks - its not tht you can hide but control is 9/10ths of negotiation.

Then - during these last three months keep a detailed log of her out bursts, how she treats you poorly, and her general craziness, rudeness etc. Also keep a sex log and do not ever instigate it - ever.

What the log is for is to be able to predict when she is at her emotional worst - put it on a recurring calendar- and then make darn well sure that your lawyer makes every effort he can to plan court appearances for her the week she is at her worst. . . .

When she goes crazy in court . .. more than once - and you need to try to set her off - well, then you 'win' because courts do not see crazy people as entitled to the same level of alimony and property . . . its human nature.

Yes, I am a dirty mean SOB and I don't fight 'fair' in court . . . never have, never will.

 

[dell30rb]

Yes, I am a dirty mean SOB and I don't fight 'fair' in court . . . never have, never will.

If it comes to divorce, it is important to remember that, unfortunately - neither will her lawyer.

 

[Unregistered]

Ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?

Yes, I brought that up with my therapist during the first seperation.

Get out. Fight her taking your stuff.

Well, she has moved out, as it is my house.

Free advice? take it for another 3 months. Plan carefully. Open new credits in your name only, start moving money into accounts only you control. Do that the last month the day the statements close in case she checks - its not tht you can hide but control is 9/10ths of negotiation.

Then - during these last three months keep a detailed log of her out bursts, how she treats you poorly, and her general craziness, rudeness etc. Also keep a sex log and do not ever instigate it - ever.

What the log is for is to be able to predict when she is at her emotional worst - put it on a recurring calendar- and then make darn well sure that your lawyer makes every effort he can to plan court appearances for her the week she is at her worst. . . .

When she goes crazy in court . .. more than once - and you need to try to set her off - well, then you 'win' because courts do not see crazy people as entitled to the same level of alimony and property . . . its human nature.

Yes, I am a dirty mean SOB and I don't fight 'fair' in court . . . never have, never will.

Thanks for the advice, but I can't keep a log now as she's gone, and I know I should have recorded all her crazy outbursts but didn't. Her ermotional worst is usally around that time of the month but it is not limited to that, but that is good advice.