Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Aircraft Crashes Into 4 Buildings

Brace yourself before looking at the attached image. A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
 

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Unless you were born on or after 1/1/2000, in which case it will equal 11. Nothing eerie or magical about it, it's the simplest of math. Next year, everyone's total for the same thing (provided they were born in the 1900's) will be 112.

Some people are easily amused, I guess. :yes:


Yes! :goofy::D :tongue: :cornut: :ihih:



.
 
Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
 
Aircraft Crashes Into 4 Buildings

Brace yourself before looking at the attached image. A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
I know you warned me but I almost spit coffee on my keyboard.
 
This is from my other sister:
Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.After two visits and
exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
(I just turned 60..) A little concerned about that comment,
I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much.My former doctor said
that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ****?'
 
A guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.

The guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed
carry permit.

"Okay, Sir," the cop says, "I see youhave a CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

He says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm

semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"

"Not a f***in thing..."
 
A woman from Los Angeles, CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."
 
The Kiss.





A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an

opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
 
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.


With a 5-lb
potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level.)




After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 
Canada eh?


A little Canadian humor from Canada as well as a geography lesson of the provinces. Enjoy!

Canada eh?!


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 2.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $800,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. "Weed".

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the heck needs that!

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property..
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4.. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada ...
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"?

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick ...
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle.. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from..
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and foreigners who can learn something about Canada and then enjoy a good chuckle.


Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed .

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart:

50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
 
You must watch this all the way to the end. it gets funnier at the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzabmVIU6EQ

Best thing I've seen on this thread ever. I have first hand experience with what a quarter stick will do to a trashcan full of water. We got wet a long way from ground zero. Oh to be 16 years old and immortal again.
 
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.


She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase. The
first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban did."

Wife: Increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason eez that I am better at sex than you in bed."

Wife: Really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband
say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...the gardener did."


Wife: "So how much do you want?"
 
Two young brothers decide to learn to swear. The first brother says, "I'll say 'hell' and you can say 'damn', OK?". They agree and go downstairs for breakfast.

The mother asks the first boy, "What would you like for breafast, dear?"

The first boy responds, "Ah, hell, just give me some Cherrios."

The mother backhands the boy off his chair and he runs from the room bawling.

The mother puts her hands on her hips and turns to the other brother, "What would you like for breakfast?"

The boy thinks for a second, "You can bet your @ss it's not gonna be Cherrios!"


I think that's how it goes . . . .:frog:
 
WHO'S YOUR AVIATOR-ROLE MODEL for 2011??

NO CHEATING. I was really surprised to find out who my role Model was.

FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR FLYING ROLE MODEL. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.

It's CRAZY how accurate this is! Do not peek!

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3
4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
6) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down
..................
With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL AND ALL TIME HERO is, from the list below:








1. Orville Wright
2. Chuck Yeager
3. The Red Baron
4. Chesley B. Sullenberger
5. Jimmy Doolittle
6. Billy Bishop
7. Charles Lindberg
8. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
9. "LetsGoFlying"
10. Burt Rutan

I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people.
P..S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH
IT!!

PUT YOUR NAME IN NO. 9 AND SEND IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS FOR A GOOD LAUGH!
 
WHO'S YOUR AVIATOR-ROLE MODEL for 2011??

NO CHEATING. I was really surprised to find out who my role Model was.

FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR FLYING ROLE MODEL. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.

It's CRAZY how accurate this is! Do not peek!

Meh... I don't even find these fun any more because there's nothing magic about 'em:

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3
4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
6) Add the digits together

So, we have an integer x:

1) x
2) 3x
3) 3x+3 = 3(x+1)
4) 3(3x+3) = 3(3(x+1)) = 9(x+1) = 9x + 9. Take your pick.
5) No, you'll get a 2-digit integer between 18 and 90 that's divisible by 9, since we got it by multiplying an integer by 9.
6) Anything divisible by 9, when you add the digits up, that will always equal 9. (Same trick kinda works for 3 - If you keep adding the digits up 'til you're at a single-digit number, it'll be 3, 6, or 9.)

The only reason for the "add 3" trick is so that your number doesn't end up being a 9 and you have no digits to add together.

Bah humbug!
 
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Meh... I don't even find these fun any more because there's nothing magic about 'em:



So, we have an integer x:

1) x
2) 3x
3) 3x+3 = 3(x+1)
4) 3(3x+3) = 3(3(x+1)) = 9(x+1) = 9x + 9. Take your pick.
5) No, you'll get a 2-digit integer between 18 and 90 that's divisible by 9, since we got it by multiplying an integer by 9.
6) Anything divisible by 9, when you add the digits up, that will always equal 9. (Same trick kinda works for 3 - If you keep adding the digits up 'til you're at a single-digit number, it'll be 3, 6, or 9.)

The only reason for the "add 3" trick is so that your number doesn't end up being a 9 and you have no digits to add together.

Bah humbug!

Could this be why the nerds had to play by themselves? :D

John
 
God vs. Satan


In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the
face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman
would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the
99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries
with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the
roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those
extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would
not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat
and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip
also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled
in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went
into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
 
CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY. . .


Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be ****ed off than ****ed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
 
If you think your Friday was bad, there is always someone who had a worse one.
 

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I bought a new deodorant.
The label says Remove top, push up bottom.

It hurts to walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.
 
If you think your Friday was bad, there is always someone who had a worse one.

Cute, but the last photo was obviously doctored up. Look at the rest of the picture - the waves, the vehicles/boats in the background, the shadows on the truck....
 
Those photos of that event have been floating around for a while. The Was it shopped? debate was ended then too. It's real.
 
Don't forget the title of this thread, "Joke".
Reality is never a part of what is posted here.
 
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
Shower Sex

In a recent survey, Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of Americans, said that they have had sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it!
 
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

heh - true story: we were in a restaurant and there were two couples sitting in the booth next to us. The waiter asked if they'd like any wine with dinner. The four of them all looked at each other, got real quiet, then one of them said yeah, they'll share a bottle. Then he said to the waiter, "We're Baptist, we're not supposed to drink. But we're more "Northern Baptist"".
 
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