Sac Arrow
Touchdown! Greaser!
- Joined
- May 11, 2010
- Messages
- 21,566
- Location
- Charlotte, NC
- Display Name
- Snorting his way across the USA
Yes, as it states, but with a different twist. You see, I catch bits and pieces of these shows on the television at the gym - but there is no sound. Well, no audio to the shows anyway. You ask, why would I watch crap like this to begin with? It's not by choice. News channels are lacking on the weekends, particularly Sundays, so I just deal with it and loosely follow these things without actually hearing the dialogue.
So why review them you might ask. It's a bit like teetering on the very top of the 90 meter ski jump having barely qualified for the Special Olympics. You know it isn't going to end well but surely it will be fun trying. Okay, let's begin:
QUEEN OF THE SOUTH
Plot:
I really don't know what the plot is. I -think- it has something to do with some sort of drug running operation from Mexico. That's the best I can parse. The characters seem to be sometimes at odds with each other an other times at ease with each other, with no general identifiable good guy/bad guy relationship identifiable without audio although there are a couple really bad guys that stand out. And then there is the clean cut black guy in the suit.
Main Characters: (Identified through IMDB)
Don Epifanio Vargas: Holy freakazoid, that's a mouthful. This guy, although with an apparently Hispanic name, looks like your average, garden variety, white middle class suburbanite insurance salesman that could use some quality gym time. In fact that's what I thought he was for the first few episodes. Exactly what his role is I'm not sure. Conflicting reports indicate that he's either the Governor of Texas, or a Mexican drug lord. But ******** he looks like a used car salesman.
Camilia Vargas: Um, I'm not sure what she does, but she appears to have a ****y relationship with most of the other women in the series as well as the men. I -think- she is either the wife or ex-wife of Don Vargas (the insurance salesman.) He shlonked her in one episode, and the very next episode she did another fat middle aged suburbanite white guy. She's not...bad looking, although on the upper age limit of what most of us would admit to fantasizing about. I'm not saying I wouldn't, but... let's just say that after three weeks of sea duty, I'd be all over that. Unless there was a stop in Thailand.
Teresa Mendoza: She looks like a younger urbanite white chick with no clearly defined role or relationship. Sometimes she's chummy with Camilia Vargas and sometimes not. She generally hangs with a group late twentyish/early thirtyish white and/or hispanic dudes. More on them later. Okay they're next.
James/El Guero/The Charger/Teo Aljarafe/Eric Watson/Zeferino: Okay six separate dudes but they all fall in to the same class. Remember when the Men's Wearhouse kicked out George Zimmer and replaced him with young, urban dudes with scruffy beards, unkempt haircuts an business casual styles that are slightly off? Well, that is these guys. What they do, and who they associate with is anyone's guess. Tereza Mendoza is bonking one of them. Hell, she could be bonking ALL of them. They all look exactly the same. I can't tell them apart anyway.
Cortez: I swear to god I had to go to the full cast list and he was buried, for such a main character. He is some sort of Colonel in the Mexican army with a set of ribbons on his chest that suggests he's done four consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. Exactly what he does I don't know, but he's affiliated with Don Vargas. Maybe Vargas sold him an insurance policy or perhaps a used car. They party together. Hell, one night Don Vargas came home to find him in the living room, and outside, one of Cortez' men was roasting a dude on a spit. Roasting an actual dude on a spit. And they made the dude in to tacos and ate them. How twisted. Now, I will speak from personal experience going back to early childhood. In my recollection, senior military officers are fairly busy dudes, and don't have time to allocate days and weeks of free time to participating in illicit activities. Just sayin'.
Tonto: Rough looking dude, some sort of enforcer. Sometimes he smacks Teresa around and holds a gun to her head, and other times he protects her from evil villains. I'm mean, with friends like that, who needs....
Clean Cut Black Guy in The Suit: He fades in and out. No clear role. No clear friends. No clear enemies. He's basically an enigma. A non-sequitur. It's like he doesn't belong. Maybe it's to through people off.
I suppose it probably makes sense if you can hear the audio, but....
SUITS
Okay... this review is going to be very easy, because without audio to relate.... Let's say that you stream a live camera in an office high atop the Mutual Insurance building in New York. You see a bunch of men and women dressed in suits milling around and talking to each other. Well, that is the entire show. Seriously. It is no more. The main character appears to be some chubby middle aged man with big teeth and a mild anger management issue all stuffed in to an Italian designer suit. What they are talking about is anybody's guess. Like, how the CPI has negatively impacted the sales of reverse mortgages. It's a painfully boring show. Painfully.
So why review them you might ask. It's a bit like teetering on the very top of the 90 meter ski jump having barely qualified for the Special Olympics. You know it isn't going to end well but surely it will be fun trying. Okay, let's begin:
QUEEN OF THE SOUTH
Plot:
I really don't know what the plot is. I -think- it has something to do with some sort of drug running operation from Mexico. That's the best I can parse. The characters seem to be sometimes at odds with each other an other times at ease with each other, with no general identifiable good guy/bad guy relationship identifiable without audio although there are a couple really bad guys that stand out. And then there is the clean cut black guy in the suit.
Main Characters: (Identified through IMDB)
Don Epifanio Vargas: Holy freakazoid, that's a mouthful. This guy, although with an apparently Hispanic name, looks like your average, garden variety, white middle class suburbanite insurance salesman that could use some quality gym time. In fact that's what I thought he was for the first few episodes. Exactly what his role is I'm not sure. Conflicting reports indicate that he's either the Governor of Texas, or a Mexican drug lord. But ******** he looks like a used car salesman.
Camilia Vargas: Um, I'm not sure what she does, but she appears to have a ****y relationship with most of the other women in the series as well as the men. I -think- she is either the wife or ex-wife of Don Vargas (the insurance salesman.) He shlonked her in one episode, and the very next episode she did another fat middle aged suburbanite white guy. She's not...bad looking, although on the upper age limit of what most of us would admit to fantasizing about. I'm not saying I wouldn't, but... let's just say that after three weeks of sea duty, I'd be all over that. Unless there was a stop in Thailand.
Teresa Mendoza: She looks like a younger urbanite white chick with no clearly defined role or relationship. Sometimes she's chummy with Camilia Vargas and sometimes not. She generally hangs with a group late twentyish/early thirtyish white and/or hispanic dudes. More on them later. Okay they're next.
James/El Guero/The Charger/Teo Aljarafe/Eric Watson/Zeferino: Okay six separate dudes but they all fall in to the same class. Remember when the Men's Wearhouse kicked out George Zimmer and replaced him with young, urban dudes with scruffy beards, unkempt haircuts an business casual styles that are slightly off? Well, that is these guys. What they do, and who they associate with is anyone's guess. Tereza Mendoza is bonking one of them. Hell, she could be bonking ALL of them. They all look exactly the same. I can't tell them apart anyway.
Cortez: I swear to god I had to go to the full cast list and he was buried, for such a main character. He is some sort of Colonel in the Mexican army with a set of ribbons on his chest that suggests he's done four consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. Exactly what he does I don't know, but he's affiliated with Don Vargas. Maybe Vargas sold him an insurance policy or perhaps a used car. They party together. Hell, one night Don Vargas came home to find him in the living room, and outside, one of Cortez' men was roasting a dude on a spit. Roasting an actual dude on a spit. And they made the dude in to tacos and ate them. How twisted. Now, I will speak from personal experience going back to early childhood. In my recollection, senior military officers are fairly busy dudes, and don't have time to allocate days and weeks of free time to participating in illicit activities. Just sayin'.
Tonto: Rough looking dude, some sort of enforcer. Sometimes he smacks Teresa around and holds a gun to her head, and other times he protects her from evil villains. I'm mean, with friends like that, who needs....
Clean Cut Black Guy in The Suit: He fades in and out. No clear role. No clear friends. No clear enemies. He's basically an enigma. A non-sequitur. It's like he doesn't belong. Maybe it's to through people off.
I suppose it probably makes sense if you can hear the audio, but....
SUITS
Okay... this review is going to be very easy, because without audio to relate.... Let's say that you stream a live camera in an office high atop the Mutual Insurance building in New York. You see a bunch of men and women dressed in suits milling around and talking to each other. Well, that is the entire show. Seriously. It is no more. The main character appears to be some chubby middle aged man with big teeth and a mild anger management issue all stuffed in to an Italian designer suit. What they are talking about is anybody's guess. Like, how the CPI has negatively impacted the sales of reverse mortgages. It's a painfully boring show. Painfully.
