[rant]Pirep: Carl's Jr. Jalapeno Double Cheeseburger[/rant]

Discussion in 'Hangar Talk' started by Sac Arrow, Jul 16, 2017.

  1. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    IMG_3631.JPG
    In response to @Clark1961 's call for a pirep on this burger, here it is.

    It was January of 1941 when the thin, wispy bearded Vietnamese man woke up to the rays of dawn, wondering what he might do with his day. An ordinary thin, wispy bearded Vietnamese man might to down to the street café to enjoy a glass of iced, French drip coffee and a croissant as the workers rallied to the imperialist factories under the control of the Japanese invading forces. But no, Ho Chi Minh did not enjoy a glass of iced, French drip coffee and a croissant. Actually, he hated the French. The Japanese too. Probably the Japanese more than the French. He spoke French. He lived in France. Go figure. So, instead, he, with his two top Lieutenants, rallied that morning with Vietnamese loyalists and formed the Viet Minh, the League for the Independence of Vietnam, tasked with liberating Vietnam from both the Japanese and the French. He had practice organizing communist opposition parties since 1925, so he was fairly good at that sort of thing. He had two lifelong goals – to liberate Vietnam from French colonial rule, and the unification of North and South Vietnam. If only he knew that, as we speak, there is a Carl's Jr. smack in the middle of District 7 of Saigon.
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    Yeah I get it, it's a Burger King. The Carl's is around the corner. I just don't happen to have a photo of it.

    As I was awoken by the rays of dawn on the warm morning of July 16, 2017, I as well wondered what I might do with my day. Although a glass of iced, French drip coffee sounds enticing, the Imperialist chain coffee store that exploits its workers and customers was more expedient, and plus I don’t eat croissants although I might cave in for an apple fritter or an apple filled Danish. But no, that was not to be my destiny.

    There are some people that might claim that the United States is under the colonial rule of the Mexican government. They cite evidence all around. Taco Bell. A huge, major chain that could be equated with the regular North Vietnamese Army forces. And then the independents, like Ortega’s Taqueria, which had been associated with the likes of the Viet Cong. But I think that’s crazy talk. I never did believe it. Where am I going with this you say. Be patient. This is not a political discourse, but rather a necessary segway in to the review of a burger.

    But let’s say… let’s say that was true, and I woke up to organize a revolution to overthrow colonial Mexican rule of the United States, not that I would, but let’s say I did, do you know….
    …the Carl’s Jr. Jalapeno Double Cheeseburger may never had been born. It may have never been born. Yeah. No – my mission, after enjoying a double shot of Starbucks and spying delectable treats on the row of treadmills was to rate a burger. That’s right. A Carl’s Jr. Jalapeno Double Cheeseburger.

    All right. Now, the day was already off to a bad start. First of all, it’s 100 degrees outside and plus I need to make a big detour to get twenty miles of riding in on this burger mission. But, regardless of environmental barriers, crazy cagers, and new construction involving huge, enormous tract houses soon to be owned by capitalist imperialist pigs, I make it to the Carl’s Jr.

    Me: “I would like to try that Jalapeno Double Burger. And a regular drink.”
    Her: “Okay.”
    Me: “You got that is a double, right?”
    Her: “Yes.”

    I could tell she wasn’t lying, but something seemed amiss. It was a fairly good deal. Fairly good deals are often too good to be true. I filled up my drink with iced tea, and then the carafe started leaking madly at the spigot. I had a bad feeling this would be my last iced tea.
    Now, here’s the thing about jalapeno cheese burgers that never made sense to me. Carl’s has free jalapenos. You can buy a regular cheeseburger and put jalapenos on it. For free. Now although I said it’s a good deal, I meant it was a good deal relative to the other premium cheeseburgers. You are paying a premium for those otherwise free jalapenos. The world is chock full of examples of paying for stuff that is free around you. Like those people that will buy bottled water when there is an entire ocean they can drink out of. For free. Or those guys that pay for sex when literally there are three women standing next to them in the elevator.
    What is the catch?
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    The weight and heft of the burger was agonizingly, terribly small. I opened the package and peeled off the lettuce. Those burgers were freakin’ tiny. Look at the size of those jalapenos. You know the size of jalapenos. Jalapenos aren’t that big. The burger patties were not much bigger than the jalapenos. I ordered one. I needed two. I felt awkward approaching Order Girl and ordering another one like she would look at me like “One isn’t enough for you, piggy?” So I let it go. But she also took the leaking iced tea away. I want another iced tea. I need another iced tea. But it really was small. The Bacon Western Cheeseburger? The STANDARD patties in those are TWICE the size of this ridiculous thing.

    The taste was… fine. You do get some pepper jack that you don’t get in the standard extra small infant size cheeseburger plus the spicy goo sauce. Would I get it again? I might. I might. But I would get two of them for lunch, and a dinner venue is like three or four. As opposed to one Double Western Bacon for lunch and two for dinner.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2017
  2. Zeldman

    Zeldman Final Approach

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    Don't forget the meat by products..... that thing looks more like a veggie burger....complete with imitation meat just for looks, and bad looks at that.

    My wife is not a good cook. I mean really, but I'll take her fish barf soup any day over that awful looking meat.
     
  3. Clark1961

    Clark1961 Touchdown! Greaser!

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    So you have arrived at the conclusion that the jalapeño double cheeseburger means uncle Ho lost the war against capitalism? This is all very confusing.
     
  4. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Certainly one could make that argument, but Ho Chi Minh considered communism to be a means to an end, and not an end in itself. By his own admission, he was inspired more by patriotism than communism. Note duly that although the French were forced out, croissants and baguettes were allowed to stay.
     
  5. JOhnH

    JOhnH Touchdown! Greaser!

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    No, I think he won. He has managed to make another Western capitalist product appear to be a sham.

    But from my experience in the orient, any taste test of "burgers" is invalid. First, they use something that appears to be beef, and they don't use very much of that. Sure, you can get a good, $150/pound Kobe steak, but you can't get good hamburger.

    So a pirep of an American Burger more than 50 miles off-shore is invalid.

    Sac, I'd appreciate another review next time you are in the good ole USA.
     
  6. flhrci

    flhrci En-Route

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    So, you liked it Sac?


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  7. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    I am in the USA at the moment, the review was on a Norcal Carl's. The Carl's in Vietnam does not do lettuce wrap, nor would the conversation had been in English. And you're right, the beef is different. They import their beef from Australia, and it has a different taste. The menu is largely the same, however.
     
  8. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    I didn't hate it, I just felt deceived. Surprised. Not expecting what I got. Like when we put our first major fire base smack on top of the Cu Chi tunnel network without realizing it was there.
     
  9. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Well I have a mission today. I'm going out to my local Carl's and see if they can swing a deal where they can charge me for a full size burger and make it up as a lettuce wrapped Jalapeno Cheeseburger. Or if not I'll just get two of them.

    Or I won't waste time and just go to Habit Burger. It's a lot better anyway.
     
  10. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    By the way, one of these days, your wife is going to read your posts. I suspect if I did a casual search of 'Zeldman' and 'wife is not a good cook' I would come up with at least a dozen hits.
     
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  11. nauga

    nauga Pattern Altitude

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    I suspect there's only one 'hit' he needs to be concerned about.

    Nauga,
    who says, "you gotta sleep sometime."
     
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  12. flhrci

    flhrci En-Route

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    So many missions, so little time.......
     
  13. exncsurfer

    exncsurfer Pattern Altitude

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    I was gonna say, your review sounded like the one I tried in the US. I would only add that mine was cold. I'm not sure how you make a cold burger during a lunch rush but they figured it out.
     
  14. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    The convective heat transfer coefficient on those tiny little burger patties is high.
     
  15. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    See, free Jalapenos! I could make my OWN jalapeno Santa Barbara Cobb Salad.

    IMG_3633.JPG
     
  16. Clark1961

    Clark1961 Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Ummmm, all the jalapeño are pickled....that isn't right
     
  17. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    What's wrong with that?
     
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  18. Clark1961

    Clark1961 Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Vinegar
     
  19. eman1200

    eman1200 Final Approach

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    Yo sac, coming soon......

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  20. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    See, that's my life story... (nothing there for me.)
     
  21. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Why you hating on vinegar?
     
  22. Clark1961

    Clark1961 Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Jalapeño are born pure and natural into the world. They can be consumed in their natural state, perhaps in a salsa picante. Even roasted they offer their natural flavor. Vinegar is used as a poor management system when the vendor can't be bothered to deliver the fresh ingredient.
     
  23. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Although I can tolerate them in a salsa picante, fresh jalapenos are no-joy to homie. Call me a pu$&%#$y but I'll stick with the watered down version.
     
  24. Clark1961

    Clark1961 Touchdown! Greaser!

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  25. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Hey you copied and pasted. You should have your Internet license revoked.
     
  26. Hank S

    Hank S En-Route

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    I'm supposed to have a license to be on here??? On the flip side, I have a cool certificate with some bald guy's picture on it . . . . .
     
  27. Clark1961

    Clark1961 Touchdown! Greaser!

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    I did not.