Tom-D
Taxi to Parking
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2005
- Messages
- 34,740
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Tom-D
PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and
not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help
but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and
not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help
but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
