No sympathy required

Discussion in 'Hangar Talk' started by Timbeck2, Jul 29, 2020.

  1. Timbeck2

    Timbeck2 Final Approach

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    Maybe one or two of you have noticed I haven't been on in a couple of weeks. I had to go back to Arkansas to spend mom's last days with her. She was diagnosed with liver/pancreatic cancer four months ago and passed at home with me by her side the 20th of July. She was 78 and was one fine human being in just about everyone's book that knew her, especially mine.

    It's going to be rough on my step father who in my opinion will fall dead off a ladder while working on someone's house installing their gutters, soffits and siding as that's his business and what he loves to do. He is 74 and never learned how to read or write but is one of the smartest illiterate men I've ever met. Pretty sure he's dyslexic but in the 50s and 60s that wasn't a widely diagnosed issue and parents in rural Arkansas put more stock in farm hands than education, so he quit school having never finished the eighth grade.

    Adding to the problem is his daughter, (my step sister) who is now a vulture circling around looking for bank statements, account numbers, life insurance information, etc in an attempt to "help" him with his financial affairs. She hasn't given him the time of day for 20 years yet when my mom's health is failing, she swoops in with her cape and wants to be the hero with claims that she has changed and is now in church.

    I'm not asking for sympathy, it is what it is and has been an expected thing for quite some time. I only ask that if you speak to a higher power, ask him to give my dad a break and provide some comfort in this lonely and difficult time.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2020
  2. David235

    David235 Pre-Flight

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    Prayers. Tough duty, and lots of emotions.

    Re: your step-sister, I am living that story now. My older sister completely cut my parents out of her life... until they reached their mid-90s and now she is "all in" to help. I think she can almost taste the inheritance. Sad.
     
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  3. Matthew

    Matthew Touchdown! Greaser!

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    At my age I'm seeing a lot of friends and neighbors that are having to deal with the "out of the woodwork" sibling that's beginning to circle.

    It's a pretty good reminder to get on your parents to put together a will or some other arrangements that would minimize the impact of the predators.
     
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  4. Timbeck2

    Timbeck2 Final Approach

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    My mother was an accountant and very meticulous when it came to keeping good records. They have a will (I've read it and it is over an inch thick) and is very specific on who gets what. My step sister will never have access to it because she will throw a fit when she finds out what it contains. Mom and dad know fully well the behavior of my step sister and have never fully trusted her. My mom was always the cautious voice of reason in the family and I think I inherited that from her. I now have to fill that role when it comes to dad and his future decisions. I hope that he relies on me rather than get fooled by a "reformed and concerned" daughter who has basically abandoned him for the last 20 years.
     
  5. 455 Bravo Uniform

    455 Bravo Uniform En-Route

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    Sorry for your loss. That’s nice that you were at her side. Hope this goes as smoothly as possible for you and your stepdad.
     
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  6. Skyrys62

    Skyrys62 En-Route

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    Meet the Fokkers
    It's always a solemn time losing parents.

    I fly with a picture of my dad in my flight bag.
    He was a 101st Airborne Ranger, with a lot of jumps.

    One day I'm going to throw that picture out the window, for old times sake ;)

    Prayers to you mate.
     
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  7. DFH65

    DFH65 Pattern Altitude

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    Family can be a blessing and curse. Both my wife and my parents are gone now. My parents didn't have a anything to speak of when they died a year apart several years ago and no will but my brother, sister and I just worked it out. Her parents who both died in the last year or two were in a better position and had a will but her siblings were too lazy to do the work so it basically fell on me also while we were caring for her father in his last months. Fortunately I was able to get everything arranged so that the majority of the funds were set up to be dispersed on death and avoided probate. On top of that the majority of the assets were in their house which thankfully closed by the grace of God three days before her father passed. Had he passed before the closing it would have been a nightmare.

    Will say a prayer for your father and you too. I know the pain all too well and dealing with the family on top of everything else just drains your energy.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2020
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  8. Everskyward

    Everskyward Administrator Management Council Member

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    Definitely hard on the surviving spouse, especially if they are elderly and have been married a long time. Irresponsible relatives, ugh. Glad I didn't have to deal with that.
     
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  9. Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe

    Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Not an easy time.
     
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  10. idahoflier

    idahoflier Line Up and Wait

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    Sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers....
     
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  11. GRG55

    GRG55 Final Approach

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    My deep condolences.
    Lots of parallel experience with you.
    I too lost my mother to pancreatic cancer at a pretty young age; I felt rather helpless in the face of that disease.
    My mother-in-law is 95 and still insists on living alone in the family home. We (my wife, mostly) are also dealing with the "suddenly responsible" irresponsible relative who has taken up a hover position just outside the door, like a vulture.
    I suspect one thing to be concerned about is your father being talked into signing something he should not, without benefit of advice or a second opinion.
     
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  12. Matthew

    Matthew Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Having a power of attorney can help, too. If the parent is aware enough of what's happening, but doesn't seem to have the willpower to say "no", it's very easy for him or her to say, "sorry, but xxx handles all that for me."
     
  13. Half Fast

    Half Fast Final Approach

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    Very sorry for your loss. Prayers sent.
     
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  14. danhagan

    danhagan Pattern Altitude

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    When my grandfather passed, my aunt swooped in to help my grandmother. The will was never probated then, or at my grandmothers passing. My aunt passed, and her daughter did the same thing to her own surviving brothers' kids:mad:

    Hoping the best for you and your family Tim ...
     
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  15. NealRomeoGolf

    NealRomeoGolf Pattern Altitude

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    Condolences Tim.
     
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  16. Lowflynjack

    Lowflynjack En-Route

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    You have to love family... I was at the funeral home making arrangements after my Dad passed last year when they got a call from his daughter, my step-sister. They said she was irate that I was making plans without her. She'd been out of his life for over 15 years. I took the call and she told me she wanted to see the will before I left town. I told her that would be fine but she wasn't in it. She said she wanted her share and was going to get it. I told her I was in the process of paying over $8K to the funeral home since Dad had no money, so her share would be about $2K and she was welcome to stop by and drop it off. The funeral director apologized after he broke out laughing at how quickly I shut her up. No apology needed!!

    Some people go through life waiting for someone to die and leave them money. The way I looked at it, I didn't do anything to earn my Dad's money, so I spent it all on him and his care in the final days.
     
  17. arnoha

    arnoha Cleared for Takeoff

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    My condolences to you. I've been where you are and am there right now, so I have a strong empathy. Every situation is different, but that need to deal with grief while defending those still here is a trying place to be.

    15 years ago I lost my father to prostate cancer. In that situation, it was actually my parents against each other, as my mother had filed for divorce ahead of the discovery that the cancer had metastasized and returned. It was ugly and awkward with no winners. At the end, my mother ended up caring for him until his death. He was a challenging individual, so the divorce was long overdue, but her sacrifice at the end was selfless.

    It's my mom's turn now. Inoperable glioblastoma. It's her last few months (weeks?) now. We're lucky that my brother and sister are close and we are on the same page. Don't see anyone coming out of the woodwork, but anything could happen. Currently trying to balance being with her in the last moments vs. adding to her COVID risk that would surely kill her miserably. (Fortunately, glioblastomas usually don't cause physical pain. It's a small miracle, especially after watching the opiates erase my father for the searing bone pain from his cancer.)

    Not much to say beyond condolences...stay strong and take care of yourself, too. You didn't ask for sympathy, and I understand that. You still deserve it anyway.
     
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  18. denverpilot

    denverpilot Tied Down

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    Thanks for sharing. And even if none required, condolences and sympathy still offered. Never fun.
     
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  19. Velocity173

    Velocity173 Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Sorry to hear Tim. Similar situation when my grandmother passed. A cousin of mine who hadn’t seen her in probably 20 years swooped in and took her to live with her. Once she heard that she had $$$ in stocks, she was all over it. I’d like to believe she took good care of her but there was no reason for it. She was doing fine with neighbor help and a nurse stopping by once a day.
     
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  20. midwestpa24

    midwestpa24 Pattern Altitude

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    I've never understood those types of "family", although I know I have some myself. I've told my parents, blow everything before you go. You worked hard, earned every bit of it, and don't owe use anything. Yet my siblings act offended when they see my parents buy a new vehicle for themselves. I don't know what will be worse when the time comes, losing my parents, or dealing with my siblings.
     
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  21. Half Fast

    Half Fast Final Approach

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    Think happy thoughts - maybe you'll lose your siblings first.
     
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  22. steingar

    steingar Taxi to Parking

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    Mama Steingar was 87 when she shuffled off this mortal coil. She could neither walk nor speak, and it wasn't clear she recognized anyone or anything. She'd been on a cognitive decline for the better part of a decade. Dying of cancer sometimes isn't really such a bad thing.
     
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  23. MauleSkinner

    MauleSkinner Final Approach

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    Sorry to hear, Tim...unfortunately death is a part of life, and we all have to face it in ourselves and our loved ones at some point.

    As far as relatives circling like vultures, I haven’t got a good answer. My wife had an uncle who basically cleaned out his mother’s bank accounts before the other two siblings got to the bank to settle her affairs, so the funeral was out of pocket for them. He also claimed her house (I think he eventually transferred the title into his own name, which probably required some falsification on his part). His siblings decided it was more important to save the relationship than to fight over money or stuff, but this was just another symptom of him alienating himself from the family. When my MIL passed away, he sat at the back of the church for the funeral and left without a word to the rest of the family. When he passed away, he was very much alone.
     
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  24. PaulS

    PaulS Final Approach

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    Sorry about your mom and sorry about what it sounds like you are going to have to deal with in the next few years.
     
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  25. Jumpmaster

    Jumpmaster Pre-takeoff checklist

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    Condolences and prayers in this very difficult time. The pursuit of money brings out the ugliest of behaviors in families.
     
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  26. wsuffa

    wsuffa Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Prayers and condolences for you and your family. Lost my mom in March (just as things were locking down, so we were fortunate to spend time with her at the end).

    Glad you got to spend time with her, and here's hoping that your dad takes care of himself.
     
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  27. Unkljohn

    Unkljohn Pre-Flight

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    Really sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers sent.
     
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  28. MuseChaser

    MuseChaser Cleared for Takeoff

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    News sadly received, and prayers gladly given.
     
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  29. CharlieD3

    CharlieD3 Line Up and Wait

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    Tough on families when there's added unnecessary drama...

    Prayers for the family...

    Best wishes to you...

    Your mom sounds like she was a great, strong woman... I'm sure her influence will be missed.
     
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  30. Warlock

    Warlock Cleared for Takeoff

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    Condolences...and a prayer for all. Sounds like you were raised by one tough strait lady...she probably would have an opinion on all this...reminds me of my mother. I wish you peace and the solace...as she would also.
     
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  31. Omalley1537

    Omalley1537 Line Up and Wait

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    Condolences. And sorry for you having to deal with that. I’ve unfortunately had to deal with too many of those folks in my career. Had one particular family that was left with the father who had money and a chunk of land that developers can’t wait to buy, and three good for nothing children who suddenly RE-appeared in their dads life. It was disgusting to watch how they all jockeyed for position with their dad.

    sadly, some people only possess greed and entitlement among their traits.
     
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  32. Skywalker

    Skywalker Cleared for Takeoff

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    I am sorry for your loss.

    Unfortunately this is the time when you learn more about your
    siblings or parents then you wish to. I wish you all the best and strength to get through these tough times.
     
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  33. WannFly

    WannFly Final Approach

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    Condolences Tim. I can relate, unfortunately.
     
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  34. ktup-flyer

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    Sorry for your loss, and prayers sent, Tim. Let us know if you need anything... Arkansas isn't far
     
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  35. Adrian Anderson

    Adrian Anderson Filing Flight Plan

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    Well, that's a sad story. Prayers sent.
     
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  36. Scott@KTYR

    Scott@KTYR Pattern Altitude

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    Prayers sent. So sorry for your mom’s passing. Glad you got to be with her on her final days.
     
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  37. Dave Theisen

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    So sorry to hear this, Tim. Thoughts and prayers to you and your stepdad.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2020
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  38. danhagan

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    Things get bad also if you're the executor. Had a relative pass away and the "vultures" were circling immediately (I was on vacation in California) to see what "they were going to get". Will only listed 2 people, and neither was in the "vulture club"
     
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  39. Pilawt

    Pilawt Final Approach

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    Prayers for you and your family, Tim. I've kinda been in that boat, and it's not fun.
     
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  40. Shepherd

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    Sorry for your loss.
     
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